Vladimir Putin Stunt Doubles For James Bond

Vladimir Seven. -They where in the area and I looked at them filming this train takeover sequence and told them "this is not how you do it, reload your cameras and I`ll show you", says Vladimir Putin to Prouda.

-These acting people have no experience in the field of espionage. Even the stunt people are a bit phoney. I mean, they got balls, but they are very tiny. Tiny little girlie balls. Like ping pong balls, you squeeze them a little it`s only air inside, not hardboiled macho juice.

-When you hijack a train like this you have to go in with the mind off a killing machine. You can`t think about PG-13. I`ve done the stunts for Craig Daniel in all the Bond movies since Pierce Brosnan left. You might have noticed they are a bit rocky.

-I had time off since leaving office, Eon where rebooting the Bond franchise. I could no longer do my usual stunts for Mother Russia. You know, lets put two and two together.

-I wonder whats gonna happen now when Im back running Russia. I can`t double for Bond anymore. It`s not good for reputation. With all due respect I hope the next instalment doesn`t turn out like a Skyfall, but I`m afraid it might since I`m not in it. Well I am for 2 minutes. So there is hope.

 Photo Edmond Wells

China Legalize Cannibalism In Case Of Famine

Eat your way to the top. The Communist Party announced in a public broadcast that it`s better some survive. Some as in party members of the elite. The higher up in the party ranks you are, the higher up in the food chain you get.

-When earths natural resources are all tied up, a nation has two options. Send solders to fight for more or eat them. We choose to eat them. Killing armies of "cattle" seems like a waste of human resources to us. Instead of dying on the battlefield, they could die in the slaughterhouse.

Photo pasukaru76

Jeff Hates It When His Co-worker Doesn`t Wash His Feet

-Where did I leave my pyjamas?
Dildo head. -I hate that smell. It`s a weird combination of urine and I don`t know what. He must have had a difficult childhood, says Jeff who strongly regret selling his house in Florida and moving to Japan.

-I should have stayed in that dump. When you got co-workers like this, it`s better to be a big fish in a small pond than a little fish in a big pond.

-I could have eaten him if I was a whale or got rid of him if I was the local shop manager, but here I got to swallow his smelly scent every time I breath cause I`m only a fish clerk.

-After a 12 hour shift working with fish and feet I go straight to the saki bar and get loaded. My goal in life is to smell worse than Han Sang and I think I can outstink him so massively I loose my working permit and get sent back to the US for attempted chemical attack.

-I can`t afford the return ticket, I blew it all on porn, all 7 million of them, so this is my only hope. Winning the lotto can be a curse, especially when you`re like me, 65 years old with no responsibilities. It`s a dangerous age cause we don`t give a fuck. What do I got to lose, bitches!

Photo octal

He Meant The Profit, Not The Prophet

Many great books have been written in this sand. The
world`s biggest library according to locals. Bring your
binoculars and vivid imagination and get lost! 
Cash cow. It`s talked about as the most devastating spelling mistake in the history of the world. The one crucial moment where the Prophet Muhammad turned to his speechwriters and said "Follow the profit".

It was a very strong wind in the dessert that day so the correct pronunciation got lost in the sand.

Nobody believed he meant profit and with a 100% fall in arab sales around the world 1500 years later, they still don`t.

-I`m not a bloody capitalist, but I believe in believing. So trust me when I say I don`t care, cause I don`t. I follow the money, says MM aka modern muslim.

Photo oarranzli

Japanese Fish Shop Sells Shoes To Idiots

Conflict fish. -We tell them thats the way they are these days and if we sniff a customer from China we make sure to dip them in nuclear water first, says Oh My God It`s Ho.

-It doesn`t stop there. We sell sandals to really stupid idiots and when we get a total retard in the shop I tell them we`re sold out, but they can lick my feet for 5 dolla.

-If I got a nickel every time I pulled that off, it would be bad for business. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Photo 007 Tanuki

Mad Men Is Retitled Ordinary People In The Middle East

-I`ll take the usual satisfaction of my male ego, please.
Man men. -There is nothing mad about this show. This is the America we want, says terrorist Ali.

-We have gives the show many prizes. The Academy of bombs and literature find it very amusing. You push liberty down our throats and celebrate "how horrible it was" at the same time. It`s a very popular show here, yes.

Photo Art of the Tittle

Stephen Hawking Is Mars Counterpart To NASA`s Curiosity

The Grand Scam. He is not here to figure out whats out there in the Universe, he`s checking out our planet right in from of us.

Imagine yourself if you worked at Mars Space Centre and had to develop a rover for earth where there is 7 billion humans who would smash anything terrestrial. You don`t make one who looks like NASA's Curiosity.

Photo NASA

It Takes Talent To Get Away With Bad Behaviour, But If You Are Many Enough, It Doesn`t Take Any At All

Bad muslim. Michael Jackson got away with the worst of crimes cause he could sing, but muslims... they can`t sing. Not as a group. It`s the worst fucking rock`n roll band ever. Neither do they have any other awe making talents, but scream they know. Like adult babies.

What are we afraid of? Being beaten up by 1.6 billion muslims? It takes more than that to scare off the remaining 5.4 billion non-muslims. It takes guns and weapons they don`t know how to build. So grow up.

 Photo *Jezza

Area Muslim Wants To Dominate His American Friends

Smart rage. -I want them to obey my law. Do as I say and kneel before me. Oah! It`s remarkable that religion still works to suppress people in the West. It`s the only trick I know so... I`m very grateful, cause I can`t do it with technology, but I would if there only was an app for it. You just wait till Iran gets the bomb. That`s the last you see of your cousin Israel. Hah hah!

Photo Eye Steel Film

Top Politician Has No Clue What`s Going On

Simon says. -I wake up in the morning and there`s some fucking catastrophe happened who calls for my action and I say to myself why the hell do I bother. This never seems to end anyway. Then I put on my fake smile and tell everyone to calm down. We got the situation under control whereas in real life I have no fucking clue what just happened.

-Just stay serious and everything will work out. Thats the advice my father gave me after 16 years of running this district. What a mess. He knew better than anyone no one knows anything. Nobody knows where this is going. So if I act as I know, people will follow me, cause they want to know and I`m the only one who can tell them.

-It`s the human desire to know fucking everything who opens up for leaders to tell them fucking anything. What harm do I really cause? Would it be better if I told them it all goes to hell? How would I know anyway. It`s all a shot in the dark. Every speech is a prediction s good as the next.

-I`m gonna watch some Simpsons now.

 Photo Sheffield Tiger

Iceland Is Developing Nuclear Weapons

Iceland, the next Afghanistan.
Nuclear volcano. -We need them to bomb the volcanos, says Iceland`s defence minister.

-Unless the world wants another flight strike caused by ash we`re going ahead with our nuclear program. Off course we can stop it, but then the world has to live with the possibility off a natural bomb ging off causing destruction to the world economy.

-Our intentions is purely peaceful, I can assure you it has nothing to do with our devalued currency or the saving package we got after the financial crisis who has left us poor out of our houses while you son of a bitches live like kings down in Greece and Spain.

-Do you think it`s fair that we`re the only one who make up our bill? Do you think it`s fair that we`re the only country besides Lituania who pay the price ourselves? Do you seriously think we are going to sit and watch Greece and all the other shit countries let others pay for their fuck ups? No way Jose.

-This bomb is to blow Greece back to Utopia and set a new standard for world piss. This is fucking bullshit. Either clean up your own shit or we all go to hell. It`s no one or everyone.

 Photo Danny Nicholson

Angry Demonstrator Has Waited His Whole Life For This Moment

-Here goes nothing...
Rage against the world. -I studied opera in high school and went on to a career in unsuccessful pop groups. It all builds up to this moment. It`s like it all makes sense now. I was made to screw up.

Looking back at his life, he suddenly realised in a deep moment of truth, it was not Americas fault that he had completely fucked up every opportunity he ever had.

It wasn`t Americas fault he digged into drugs for 6 years. It wasn`t Americas fault he left his wife with 7 kids and it wasn`t Americas fault he didn`t get a chance in life. It was Libyas.

-It really fucked me up cause for the first time in my life I was speechless. I had no anger to spit out. I had nothing to do in this rally of hate. I should really get my shit together, find a job, go home to my wife and ask for forgiveness. But was I ready to leave my mob and look like a female man? No fucking way in hell. I`d rather die a pussy than be a man with balls.

-Luckily for my surroundings I had forgot to change the batteries on my speaker. So they didn`t have to be disturbed by my horrible voice. It really sucks. It`s a reason I never made in the Arab pop industry. That vocal style really sounds like crap so imagine how horrible I am. I really scare people away with my voice. Which is why I in another moment of truth realised I had found my place in life. I had finally found my destiny.

Photo David Reece

NASA Drills For Oil On Mars

-I get tears in my eyes when I think about how we fooled
the taxpayers of world to pay for this shit. It`s fucking
unbelievable, says Bush Bush.
NASA Oil Program. Curiosity is not there to look for life, it`s there to look for oil, says Texan Oil Mogul Bushy Bush Bush.

-We couldn`t tell the public that we blow 50 billion of public money searching for oil in space. Not with the current finance crisis and ongoing war on terror.

-We had to cover it up somehow. Or spend our own dollars, but that is always out of the question. The trick is to come up with an excuse who is so far off people don`t realize it`s make believe cause their not capable of dreaming it up themselves. It`s beyond their imagination.

-After fiction comes facts, thats the ground rule in leadership. If you understand that sentence you can run any country, corporation or evil empire.

-Remember the first moon landing. It was so mind blowing nobody even thought of asking what the hell for? We didn`t even need an excuse... Those where the days. Armstrong was looking for diamonds. We made trillions on that trip.

-Nobody has yet had the imagination to ask what do we do if we find life on earth. Thats the next one we`ll use to distract people on earth. That will probably keep them occupied for 5 hundred years while we go after the real question. What do we do when we find oil on Mars?

-We move there off course while you earthlings still ponder about the question is there life in space? Why you might ask? Isn't it obvious? When you find out we want to make sure there is no natural resources left for the human race to use.

-I mean, that is the real question. Is there natural resources in space? Off course it is. It`s made up of natural resources. It`s not a question about finding the resource, it`s about figuring out how to take advantage of it, or use it as you say. Now, go fuck yourself before I put you to sleep.

 Photo Idaho National Laboratory

Raging Bull Is The Top Grossing Movie Throughout History In Libya

The movie hit the ground running from day one of it`s
release. It`s a cult classic who never goes out of fashion.
Robert De Hiro. For once, Libyans ignore that the film is American. -It`s like modern technology, we need that shit so we import that. How else could we fly airplanes and blow up buildings? says Average Ali.

-Martin Scorsese is a genius. He understands our need to cultivate violence. That movie really nails it. I can watch it over and over again. And every time I beat up my wife. She hates that film.

-I know a lot of young men in America who look in the mirror and try to be Robert de Niro from Taxi " You talkin' to me?", in the Middle East we prefer Raging Bull. Any scene where he is angry.

-You westernes always get it wrong. You think we`re angry at you when we take to the streets. It`s a homage to Martin Scorseses!!! He`s a great director. We do this every time he comes out with a new picture.

-Maybe it`s the late distribution, or maybe Americans don`t want to see the truth, but Hugo was a great film. It was fucking fantastic. Where else can we say thank you than the American embassy. It`s not like Hollywood has a strong presence here.

 Photo oxfamnovib

UN Builds Road In Desert Where Angry Muslims Can Take To The Street

Road to nowhere. Rage road can fit 2 million protestors, 5 thousand wife beaters and hundreds of terrorists and they are encouraged to rage against the big satan America once they get down that road.

-They monitor with space cams to check that they work out their anger. They whole point is to build up enough rage to fuel them. The further down the path they go, the longer away they get.

Test fanatics says the real avantage here is that there is nothing to break. Or nothing of value to break.

 Photo Moyan_Brenn

This Is The Lid China Use To Hide The Truth

-Come... come... sweet truthseeker... come... 
Drive by. A car is standby 24/7, ready to drove down anyone trying to uncover the truth. -They will die a horrible death, says killdriver Hong Hong. 9/10 car accidents in China is not accidents he says. -Their target accidents.

-When a car drives down a curious journalist inside her apartment, you got to understand it`s not a safety issue. Especially not when she lived in the 19th floor.

-When 92 people die in a car crash and there was only two cars involved you got to ask yourself, maybe choosing Volvo doesn`t make a difference.

-I once had a little incident on the highway going through Beijing. It was only minor damage. A little dent on my car, but 2000 people died and none of them had cars. Thats how dangerous driving is here. You don`t even need a car to be killed in one.

 Photo eblaser

USA Shuts Down All Contact With Arabia And Return 2.6 million Muslims

-I`d never thought I`d say this, but fuck it.
Now! In a press conference at the White House President Barack Obama says -Okay, you win, you have it your way. From this day we will pull out of the Middle East and stop all our efforts to spread freedom and democracy in your part of the world.

-"As a result of this, we`ll return the 2.6 million muslims who came here to take part in our prosperity. They will be sent back on economy class with a happy meal from McDonalds and a note "Sorry, we've had enough of this shit."

-As of tomorrow we go back into cold war mode with a polar atitude against each others. It`s us against you. We got nukes to bomb you back to the origin of Islam and you got nothing.

-To the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, sorry, but you have to take second stage now. Pick a side or shut up. To the rest of the world, sorry... we tried... it`s time for real change.

 Photo SpdRacerRVA

How Can Bill Gates Get Richer When He Gives Away His Wealth?

Selfanthropy. -I give away other peoples money. Makes sense doesn`t it. If I gave it all away I wouldn`t be worth listening to. Who listens to the world poorest man. I have to stay rich to convince people, says Bill Gates to Forbes.

 Photo OnInnovation

Comedian Prepares For Running Into A Mosque And Ridicule Muhammad

-Abrakadabra simsalabim.
Suicide comedian. The comedian thinks he has about 20 second to make fun of the prophet before someone kills him.

-Therefor I`ll blow myself up after 19 seconds. It`s a dark show. Pure black sadistic satire, says Chicago Bull comedian MegaBrave.

Comedy Clubs around the world recruits stand up comedians to stand up for their comedy.

-We look for the unsuccessful onces. The onces who dream about leaving the stage with a bang. This is their opportunity to kill. To destroy the audience, says Al Comedia leader Dell'Arte who have humor cells ready to explode in laughter all over Arabia.

-A good laugh prolongs life, thats our motto. I told you it was dark, says MegaBrave.

 Photo  philcampbell

Muslims Think Western Demonstrators Act Like Chickens

-If you don`t put down that gun I will spit on ya.
Chicken run. -They are afraid of everything. They don`t even dare to run into the bullet rain, says Macho Ali.

-It`s only rain! They can`t yell or throw rocks. They don`t know how to trash buildings properly. Put shit on fire. Flags... thats easy! They have no skills in vandalism. None. Zero. Nil. Yet they want our respect?!

Photo PSP Photos

Japan Can Get A Seat In The Security Council, But They Can`t Sit In It

Elite Union. -They have to look at it from behind a glass, wall says UN humiliation officer Abarat Narsism.

-Or they can get the summary on fax after the meeting in done. Or watch it on the news as we walk in and do our thing. Yeah! That`s probably better.

 Photo Amit Chattopadhyay

Headhunter Killed Candidate For Top Position

Trailspotting.
Killer business idea. I ran over him with a train... It`s one of those who is a bit difficult to explain. It leaves me in a difficult situation.

-I either have to come up with a good enough explanation or a good enough replacement. I don`t know what to choose, says Heather.

-Off course I do. I just add some sentimentality to make it sound like I care. I don`t. I hired those gooks to get this on camera for my ego album. This is a big one. Train?! Oh my God!

-The downside with a replacement is that nobody have a reason to ask why Mr Taylor is absent. I mean, where is my fame?! So much for nothing. It`s the things you got to live with when you enter the work force.

-There is a 30.000$ intern bonus for anyone who can take down a candidate with an umbrella. The people at human resources are sick. They pay 15.000$ for an elephant. My bonus is in the hundreds... don`t ask.

 Photo Aaron Jacobs

Hezbollah's Leader Looks An Awful Lot Like Francis Ford Coppola

The Godfather. -I get that question all the time. Did you make the Godfather? No I AM THE GODFATHER. My name is Hassan and I drive Nissan Hatega. I could kill everyone of those jerks asking me that question, but then it wouldn`t be much left of Hezbollah.

-And I would get problems getting support against Israel if I did too much of that. A little is always acceptable, I need to keep my men in line, but not 9 out of 10.

-I didn`t make Apocalypse Now either, but my God I`m doing my best to make the reality version of it. Doomsday is my profession. It`s my life. It`s my everything.


Photo CYTalk

Hezbollah Will Demonstrate Against USA Every 6 Months For 500 Years

Voice disorder. -We can`t do them more often cause people loose their voice after weeks of screaming. They need a few months to recover. If we arranged it more often we risk the masses yelling without a noise coming out. Now, that would look silly. We can`t risk that.

Image Supreme Deliciousness

Witness Protection Guy Not Impressed with New Location

Middle class hero. -If I could choose between this or die again.. I think I`d choose death, says former crazy rich Wall Streeter Johnson Blue.

-Second thought I would have spent all my money on the last day. I should have rented a container boat and dumped it it the ocean.

-I couldn`t start another financial crisis. My pals had already done that, bastards. Now I`m stuck in the middle class. Gosh it sucks. How can this be the dream for anyone?

-I never dreamt about being average when I was a kid. I dreamt big cause I was smal and had no boundaries. So when I grew up I had to dream bigger to compensate my growth.

-Would I have done it again knowing I had to give up everything I stole for, my name, reputation and partners in crime and end up in the suburbs of nowhere? Not only would I have done it again. I would have done it again and again and again...

-I would have ended up here anyway. What else is there? Might as well take the fun way.

Photo taberandrew

It`s Better To Be Eaten By Shark Than Bear

Teddy shark. -You don`t have to stay awake for the digestive process if you get taken by a shark. Cause you a likely to drown before that happens. But with a bear there is no water around, says Bear Hunter Hunter Bear.

-People ask me if I do what I do cause of my name. I ask them in return what came first, the egg or the chicken. Then they get confused and leave thinking I`m crazy and they never try to establish contact with me again. Never.

-It`s complete isolation. It came to the point where I had to stop say it`s compulsory to leave my hometown with a rifle. You are by law forced to bring a weapon with you if you leave the village. Not even in Texas are people forced to arm up leaving their house. But we are where I`m from. When I said backpacking, the police would always show up within 10 minutes for a talk.

-But you know I`m a social guy, so whenever I got lonely or bored with the people around me I would bring it up. I still do to this day, but it`s not so effective now, cause I`m in jail.

 Photo mikebaird

Carpenters Happy They Can Fart Outside

We get storage problems in this line of work cause we bend
over so much. The lid goes off either we want it or not.
Fartnugget. -There are days when I am relieved to work outside. Yes, thank god. There are certain days when you call in sick cause you know you`ll loose the job if it`s indoor. You just pass too much gas, says fartpenter.

-It`s an untalked about problem among builders. We sometimes loose clients cause we fart. The owner is not used the hear our body perfume, neither the scent and calls for a less smelly guy.

-Someone who doesn`t fart so much. Someone who can pass gas without having to tell the entire area "Hey, I stink". Someone who doesn`t have the need to mark the house when he walks into it.

-Someone who doesn`t make the whole place feel like a garbage dump cause he farted too much. Someone who doesn`t change the color on the walls with his stink bombs. Someone who`s farts doesn`t set off the fire alarm. Someone who at least admits it was him when you`r stuck trying to explain the fire fighters what happened.

-Someone who doesn`t just walk into a McDonalds, farts and walk out. Someone who doesn`t try to fart his way out of every situation. Someone who admits he has a fart problem and attends Fartoholics Anonymous meetings, although it is hard to stay silent and secret. Discretion is not the word here.

-Someone who has the balls to stand up and say "Let`s fart together, let`s put down our cheeks and fart. Why make war when we can fart?". Someone who has the guts to say to all human kind: "We stink! Your smell might be different than mine, but it`s all shit. Their awful. We have to respect that awfulness in each other".

-And "You have to learn to live with my sacraments and I with yours. First then, can we live in stinking piss, shit and fart. That is the one thing we all have in common. Whatever it is that we do, it all ends up in the loo stinking like dead frogs".

Photo CarbonNYC

Israel Offer To Solve The China Japan Dispute

1.3 billion v 0.13 billion. -We know how to operate between two major competing world views. And we got the arsenal to blow up both countries. So give it to us and we`ll suck out the oil for ya. We aren`t Gods people for nothing. He choosed us, not China or the Japs. Us! Or US as they like to say over there, says Israels Conflict minister Elijah Argueias.

-This Senkaku Islands makes the muslims vs America look like chicken shit. It`s the pinacle of conflicts. Lets us take it cause we`re bored with our own. We need something bigger. This is it!

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Drug Cartel Hired To Smuggle Common Sense Into Bullshit Dictatorships

Axis of information. The former death sentence guys got released from death row if they where willing to risk their life in duty serving the common sense of human kind.

Surprisingly, the content of the delivery package had no negative affect on the guys. The United Nations, who`s behind the operation, where surprised to learn they did it for the risk, not the cash, the pussy or the blow. They where in it for the action itself.

What better than to let them out again. The Info Squads first assignment was to smuggle a hole library into Beijing. 10.000 books of regime free information. The second assignment was to remove all the porn from US libraries and the third to install a bridge on the moon.

-Why are we doing the bridge thing? asked Bobby, the 200 pound gorilla member of the team. -We where just testing if your paying attention. We can`t have dumb people operating in this unit, but we need you too be dumb enough to do the shit we ask you. So a no question would also be acceptable, says IQ Operation Headmaster.

The requirements to join the squad is that you have read one book in your life or at least looked at a book, but not too many. -We don`t want smart asses here you start complain about overtime or workers rights. We`re fighting for human rights here, we don`t have time for shit like working conditions.

Photo Mike_fleming

Sales Of Brain Washing Machines Explodes In The Middle East

Head spin. Their so popular shops are sold out of religious detergent. Imams says the washing procedure is much more efficient than the traditional schooling.

-With the old technology it took ages cause every world had to be written down in the sand and then the wind came and screw it all up. Paper was a revolution for us but now, thanks to religious powder we can do it all in 2 hours. It`s amazing.

Photo + Rainbow +

The Joker Don`t Get The Logic In The Julian Assange Case

-It was the actor who played me who died, not me. I`m fine.
Well.., maybe not fine, but definitely still here.
Fame rider. -I`m a master in twisted logistics, but this... I don`t get it, says the Joker in an interview with Quiz Magazine quidone in his prison cell.

-I have plenty of time and follow the news very closely, when I can`t be out there and kill people I got to kill something... but the complexity of the story boils down to nothing.

-It`s like their watering out water with sexy lemons. Turning wikileaks into sexyleaks. It doesn`t make sense cause Julian Assange is not sexy. Neither could a computer nerd like him be physically capable of raping two women. It seems more likely he got raped.

-Why can`t the Swedish police question him in the UK? It`s their investigation. Let them do the traveling. Or ask me to interrogate him. I`ll get a confession out of him. Hey! Nobody screws up the good guys like me. Give him to me. Give me something! Don`t let me rotten in hell. I`m so lonely. Give me some company I can kill. If not I`ll die of loneliness.

-Let me represent America, Sweden or whatever, please! It`s all a joke anyway. I`m the right man for this case cause I can screw it up way better. And I mean way better. Way Better!

 Photo Gage Skidmore

Rich American Ate Denver At Political Rally

It`s hard to imagine this being digested in some rich guys
stomach.
The Hunger Club. The unknow multi trillionaire billionaire, referred to as mr Huge, decided to attack the voters instead of the opponent in the upcoming election.

Attack adds aren`t the same. Huge spent gasillions of dollars to get rid of his hate candidate in the previous election. 10 years ago that would have worked. Now he needs bullets.

If he can`t buy his pocket candidate into the White House, mr Larger Than Economy is prepared to use weapons of mass eating. A real smörgåsbord of violence.

-If I reduce the number of voters down to one - ME - then I know for sure I get my puppet in the WH or doggie house as I like to call it, says the shy city eater in a press release to funeral agents nationwide.

-But I don`t think I can do the whole country by myself. I need help from the other anonymous SuperPack donors from Hell. 12 would be enough. Like the last supper, where our Jesus President understand we all betrayed him. Hah hah hah!

 Photo Jeffrey Beall

Arabic Autumn

AA session. Every season has it`s feeling. Spring had it`s sense of hope, summer despair and autumn... well it`s fall.

The Autumnthorities change the war seasons one step closer to the cold war until it all starts over again next year. It`s the 4 seasons of war. War war war war.

 Photo oxfamnovib

Strippers Enjoy Fire Stations

Fire down below. -We particularly like to put them up on the totem pole and see them come down to earth again, say Fire Marshall Hunter Horny.

-9 out of 10 emergency calls is false. Usually we charge 500$ for a fake emergency, but if you want to call it in from the station it`s 5000$.

-The fake call inns are so popular we put together a unit full of female strippers to cope with the heavy demand. They have call-outs to birthday parties, bachelor parties, divorce parties... The Strip Brigade is very popular.

-Sometimes it gets so hot where they are the real alarm goes off and we have to send a second team to cool off the place. We even had the alarm going off here to, at the fire station. The next district came with their troops and it turned into the biggest wet t-shirt competition ever.

 Photo gojeffrey

USA Can`t Boycott Egypt & Libya Cause They Don`t Import Their Shit

Good times. Their goods are too bad for the American market anyway. It can`t even be sold in a second hand Store in US, cause the cheap Chinese shit is better.

 DUCKofD3AT

Guy Hanging On The Wall, Tired Of Just Sitting There

Mean player. -I`m really tired, tired of life, tired of being tired, yeah… I`m really tired. But I think `m more tired of waiting than anything else. The director said cut two weeks ago and called everybody back in position for another take. Then they left.

-I have no idea where they went. since I was stuck up here I though I might swell eat a lot of hash to ease the time. In retrospect I hope that they came back and did their thing, but I also hope they didn`t let me hang here.

-My problem now is how can I find out without humiliating myself further. At what point can I walk away without shame. If that at all is possible. Could I fake a leg injury and claime wast sums in "erstattining" or can I sneak out of here without being caught on the security cameras.

-This is the challenges a professional stuntman meets in his daily work. It`s all about taking the right amount of risk. Enough to keep your name hot, but not so hot it gets carved in stone. I can probably get 10 years of work outa this if i make through the winter. with my friend Bob the security guard, I can fake my exit and come back in 5 months without anyone spotting it on camera. 

-The Bond movie just got bumped up another 10 million $ baby.

Photo  Dave McLear

4 Egyptian Diplomats Killed In LA Riots

Boom boom chicka boom boom.
Monkey time. Out of nowhere riots broke loose in Los Angeles and a massive mob destroyed the Egyptian Embassy.

4 diplomats got killed in what seemed like a middle eastern thing in the middle of the city. -I don`t get it, but I like it. I completely understand why they do this monkey sport there. It`s great. I`m high as fuck.

The riots supposedly began when Joe Abraham, a typist in a law firm, decided to stand up for his country. -I have had enough of American diplomats getting killed abroad so I though "why not kill some foreign diplomats at home". I passed out a few twitter messages and said some bogus movie from Libya made fun of Jesus Christ and two hours later down town was a war scene. It`s fucking awesome. 

Lowlife WMA has spoken with said it was a blast. -Suddenly I felt alive. I have no idea what we are fighting for, honestly I don`t care. It`s too much fun. Let`s smash another embassy! 

Biology Professor at UCLA Alfred Smart got his car burned up during the worst part of the rampage. -It only confirms my theory. The 0.05% difference in DNA between humans and monkeys really is 0.05%. 

 Photo motorised

iPhone Galaxy - Give Me 5


Hi Five. The spectacular phone is back. Bigger, better and faster, but not greater. Atleast it`s legal… Seriously, when did anybody copy South Korea?! Or did they...

 Photo M Glasgow

Chelsea Graffiti Artists Aren't Like Other Street Artists

Chelsea Toosball Club. -Can you shut up please, I try to concentrate here, says Graffiti artist Aron King to an old lady yelling for help.

The lady seems to have fallen over and begs Aron to call an ambulance: -Can you please shut up. I`m in the middle of something here.

A bypasser helps the old lady and gives Aron a nasty look for not helping. -Are you gonna start too now. Oh my God. As if the old bitch wasn`t enough, young mr nice guy is gonna rub it in. Go f#%$ yourself, sir.

Minutes later the police pulls over. -Thank God, I never though you`ll come. You never do. Can you please remove young frankensmiley and that old hag so I can get some work done here. I`m an artist! I want some respect, God dammit.

The Police Officers asked the kind man what had happened here. -Are f@#&*#" kidding?! Are you never gonna shut up? Do I have to listen to your jada jada jada jada all day now?

The Police Officers turns to Aron and tells him to keep quiet. -So your the boss now? Are you out of your mind? Who do you think you are? The Law? Hah! I do the talking here and I demand an explanation. Why can`t I get some silence!!!

 Foto blech​

Who Looked At This Can And Though We Need This In 2 Liters?

New York Obesity Festival. Which product designer seriously though there was a need for this? How can you look at that and think "You know what, there is a gap in the market for 2 liter beverages with free refill".

So we`re really talking 4 liter consumption containers... Why not fill a truck instead.

 Photo vwb5

Argentina Claims Ireland And The English Channel

Double Trouble. The presidential speech in Buenos Aires caused shock waves as it pointed out the Falklands is not worth fighting for.

-It`s just a peace of land in the ocean full of traitors. We need to fight for something bigger. Let`s grab Nordern Ireland! The British aren`t able to govern those people. They have been fighting forever. For what? Religion? Jesu Christ, they behave like muslims!

-Whats the difference between shia muslims and catholics and protestants and sunni muslims? It`s all the same shit. Unlike Britain we can justify our invasion with freedom and democracy and save UK a hell of a lot of humiliation before Iraq decides to do the same.

 Photo blmurch

Chilax Airport

Chill grill. -Take a plane, grab a bite, smoke a joint or just chill... Suit yourself, it`s Chilax Airport, says air traffic controller John Slack at the sky lounge.

-I should be at work now, but I prefer to sit here and do nothing. I love my job. I could work here all day.

 Photo  Goodnight London

Boris Johnson Makes Bid For US President In 2016

Leaving the UK behind. -I`m ready to take on the world.
Transatlantic politics. Unlike Arnold, Boris is born "over there" and can, like Obama, run for the high seat. -People speculate if I want to outdo David Cameron... Why bother. I`m the Mayor of London, I don`t career down.

-I`ve offered a settlement to Mr Obama, should he win. If I get the Oval Office, he gets London as retirement package.

-I think both countries benefit. After 8 years of change the Americans must carve stability and after another 4 years of me I think Londoners needs some space. What better than bring in an alien.

 Photo BackBoris2012

How China Decide It`s New Leader? Mud Wrestling

-If you can battle the She Wolf for more than 30 seconds
you`re considered worthy for slack ass job in the ministry.
Classless election. The Communist Convention in Beijing doesn`t have to nominate and confirm it`s candidate or agree on a political platform and unify the party like the Americans. They don`t have to do jack shit. Thats why they do mud wrestling instead.

-It`s much more fun. Especially behind closed doors. Then they can go for it in a whole other way than if it was televised. It never will. Mudding men is something you will never see on Chinese tv. Never, says Dr. China.

-But for us on the inside it`s fun. We all know it`s whoever willing to do whatever it costs to become the new leader... who become the new leader. The amount of humiliation involved is paramount. Thats why the position is called Paramount leader of China. It`s the number one humiliated human in China.

 Photo antjeverena

China Dominates Paralympics - Is The Country Full Of Retards?

Special China. Winning 95 gold medals of a total of 231 is freaking bizarre.

-I don`t know if I would brag about that, says Olympic commentator John Speaker. I think I would tone it down a bit, probably keep quiet or put a lid on it.

Ping Pong Dong from China doesn`t think it`s weird at all that they take home most of the medals.

-Every third lunatic on the planet is Chinese so it`s only our fair share. Anything less would be totally unexceptable. This is not the normal Olympics, this is the weird shit. Jesus Christ, have you ever bought anything made in China? God, what do you think those people who make that look like? Jesus...!

 Photo suran2007

The Paramount Leader Of China Swops the Red Button with a Fun Button

-What do you do? You run the worlds most powerful
country and one day you wake up yourself asking
whats in it for me?
Fire control. The old red button, which was hooked up to the atomic arsenal, ready to be launched anywhere in the world within zero hours, has been replaced with a more appropriate approach to the world.

Paramount himself says he had a moment of truth where he realized the old button had a negative world view attached to it. -It wasn`t much space for negotiation or fancy diplomacy. We have diplomatic relations with 171 countries now, we can`t blow them up. Some of them would definitely go down in the bang if we launched our rocket supply.

-It was when the military leaders told me it didn`t matter which direction they sent it, the damage would be so massive you could not tell one from the other, I understood the need for change. We might need the natural resources in the area. Power is nice, but money go first.

-Therefor I had the entire nuclear program replaced with Chinese fireworks. The moment I press the fun button, the entire world turns into new years eve. It`s really cool. We got 4000 giga ton of heavy duty fireworks ready to be launch all over the world, space and the freaking universe. It`s massive!

-The only backdraw is that the fireworks comes with a due date. It has to be used within 2 years and I`m soooooo loo@*%&#$%king forward to it! Arghhhh!

 Photo hodgers

Ryan Gosling Plans Robbery During Film Shoot

Crimewood. The star of hit movies such as Drive, Crazy Stupid Love and The Ides Of March is tired of Hollywood and has turned to crime to keep his mind busy.

-It`s the same questions, the same screaming, the same boring old cut!... one more time... and action! I can`t keep it up unless I do something illegal. I have to have some excitement in my life. This safety in Hollywood drives me nuts, says Ryan in an interview with Crime Magazine.

-It will be interesting to see how far I can push this until someone sets the foot down. We`ve already had a few episodes where the producers made it clear to the judge that if I leave the set for a few weeks 400 people is out of a job.

-I know of people in the industry who has done this for decades, not cause they want to, but because they can. Thats what separates me from the rest of the stars. I do it cause I want to. I`m not showing off like the others.

-I`m using my fame to launch this side of me. My whole approach to acting is very different. You see, I`m not acting. I`m like this. I`m a son of a bitch in real life and Hollywood seemed like a reasonable place for a guy like me.

-I never understood why so many people are drawn to this profession when they are nothing like what they portray onscreen. Why show everybody you can pretend to be an ashole? I would try my best at being the good guy. I don`t get it...

Photo mimosveta

Historian: We Never Had Wars Over Cutlery

Albert Frank is a professor at Greyhound University.
Tea party movement. -We have had wars over money and territory, but never cutlery... we should drink more tea, says historian Albert Frank. Lots of tea, and coffee too. Anything that takes our mind of fighting.

Albert argues that if you serve coffee to price fighters when they enter the ring, people will no longer be willing to pay. -I don`t think people want to see two men sit in a ring drinking coffee. It`s not what they paid for.

He think the same logic applies to warfare. -If you invade another country armed with tea, the locals will laugh at you. Imagine a suicide drinker trying to explode himself. People will crack up.

The historian points out that armies have to rethink their approach to the navy. -Tea torpedoes virtually have no effect. It disarms itself automatically after launch.

The air force too has to reassess their means. -Dropping a tons of coffee on top of cities will only make people angry. It`s like having a bird shit at your clothes. It`s not the right approach to win hearts and minds. I suggest they drop instant coffee or tea bags and let the people down there mix in the water themselves.

-The whole idea of air bombing is ridiculous. Earth has it own drop system. Everything that needs to be dropped is dropped by mother earth. It`s called clouds, I don`t see the reason why we should add anything to that. It`s perfect the way it is.

 Photo 360 Creativity

Gary Dourdan Asked To Leave Real Crime Scene Investigation

-I just want my job back, says Gary who
left CSI at the beginning of season 9. 
SIA: Star Infected Area. When his neighbour got caught up in some shit and the Police came to the rescue, CSI actor Gary Dourdan was asked to leave the crime scene cause he messed up the evidence.

-He was touching everything and gave directions on how to behave and shit. It was sick. We told him, if you don`t leave soon we`ll charge you for tripple murder cause you have left so much DNA here it beyond dumb, says officer Scully.

-At first he agreed, seconds later he turned famous on us "But I`m a method actor, I know this better than you. How can I play you if I don`t know what you do. I did this for 8 seasons, mam. Leave it to the pros."

-We had to call in the Star Squad, the famous Hollywood Heros who disables egos. It only took them 50 seconds. After that Gary Dourdan was just Gary with pee in his pants.

 Photo mmccurdin

Clint Eastwoods Chair Put To Sleep By Heavyset Italian Dude

Chairman. In an interview with Time Magazine right before his death, Clint Eastwood`s bar stool says he enjoyed his 15 minutes of fame. "I liked the fact that for a few minutes, every chair in the country thought I was the Presidents chair".

-Most American chairs these days cater to fat cheeks, but the presidents butt cheeks... their nice and firm. And he has to keep on his toes otherwise they change him.

-I`m guaranteed a fresh pair of buttballs every 4rth year. Who else get that? Thats the privilege of working in the Oval Office. On the downside I might have to stick with an ashole for 8 years, but on the other side, I might get a woman soon.

-But the truth is I work in a convention centre in Tampa, Florida. I`m in the bar reserve. I wasn`t even called out for duty during the Republican Convention, Mormons aren`t known to drink much. It was Clint who came down to the storage room and picked me up. "You`ll do", he said and grabbed my third leg.

-He told me to sit still and not say anything. He would do the talking. At first I was angry cause I know quite a few party tricks. I`m called up on stage infront of billions of people and I don`t get to shine? In hindsight I`m thankful cause it was weird enough as it was.

-I`ve offered my services to the Democrats Convention, but they turned down my offer to appear as Mitt Romney. To avoid last minute changes I was put far back in the storage room and by default brought out for the National Weight Loss Convention. Unfortunately some foreigner sneaked inn and brought me down.

Clint Eastwoods chair would have turned 80 this Autumn.

 Photo swanksalot

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...