Monocle, not another watch ad, please

Time out. -I can`t take it anymore. I`m allergic to time. When my brain sees tructure, order and dicipline it jams. I get a terrible headache. The only thing taking the pain away is messing shit up, start a fight, lying upside down at the couch or ripping out a few pages in my appointment book. 

-Why do I want to keep track of every second of my life? Cause I`m afraid of loosing one? Cause I filled the previous onces with so great content that their worth counting? Or that I am just afraid of running out of time?

-Well, I never seem to have time to do the selfless things in life. So I guess it`s my time we`re talking about here, not national time or family time, but iTime so... what do I care what time it is.


Photo A Continuous Lean

It`s not a talkshow, it`s a dateshow

Moonshine. -We took a picture of Conan`s butt at the tonight show wrap party and one of the girls poined out "It looks like the moon", "let`s use it on tbs. It`s cable, they don`t care". "YEAH!!!!!" "Conan! Conan! Conan!".

-We tried comedy, that didn`t didn`t work. So we`re booking every hot chick in Hollywood and hoping some magic will come out of it. I mean, where do you go from the tonight show? How can you top that flop? A late night dating show. Seriously, do you think more people are gonna watch Conan on cable?

Photo wolfpix

The Russian dream

Prison. -Come to new Russia where nothing has changed. If you are among the smartest and brightest minds in the world, why be a president in the free world when you can be gunned down by the Secret KGB or spend a lifetime in jail?

There`s nothing we want do to stand in your way. Fake a trial. No problem. We`ll do anything to stop your idea turning into reality. If you believe in group mentality, if you believe that a bunch of rich farts who`s never sat their fat ass outside Kremlin knows whats best for you, then apply for a grey card now.

Loose yourself and start believe in the dumbf*#ks cause we`re not counting on you.

Russia - it`s still the same.

Photo by Zayad12Groundreport/Robert Amsterdam

Living on a dollar a minute

Poor Richie. -I can`t deal with this. How they stand it for a day is unbelievable. I can`t take it for 60 seconds. Maybe it`s cause they don`t have a chooise. Well, I do and deal with that later. Waiter! Another round on the table. I think I blew 7 thousand last night. That`s way below party standard. Way below. 7 thousand? Nothing! It`s like a developing party or some third world gathering where it`s all about getting enough drinks.


Photo Nate "Igor" Smith

Superman saved Xmas

Last minute. -I see the irony, a fantasy figure helping a fantasy figure, but hey, it`s you guys who`s celebrating the damn holiday, not us. I have enough saving the world from delusional psychos, so spare me your bullshit. What could I do? The cops confiscated Santas vehicle and my cape was in the laundry. There weren`t time to get flying permissions or buy a new cape. Besides, they don`t sell them on earth.

-I probably set off several thousand radar alarms around the world cause the air forces didn`t recognize me. So yes, it was a close call, but hey, what are they gonna do about it? I`m Superman!

Photo Jasmic

Santa taken in speed controll

For Christmas sake. -The cops confiscated my vehicle too, saying it was not according to regulations. Daaa. Do you think I`ll get around to 2 billion homes in a rental car? You need custom build NASA shit for that. Fuk! Now I gotta do it on foot. It`s gonna be a long day. Motherf*#@&%!

Photo jesse.millan

Santa photograped outside New Zealand

For real. A local paparazzi wannabe caught Santa off guard outside the shore of New Zealand. -So what? I took the boat for a ride and lost sight of where I was. Jesus Christ, I`m still on earth! Xmas isn`t until Friday, says Santa and tells the journalist to piss off. 

-Yes, you heard right. Go f*#k yourself!

Photo mikebaird

Not Hitler quite yet

Buffer nation. -Yes, I cheated, I`ve cheated all my life. On my wife, on my voters, on my f*#king everything. Cheating is how I got where I am, cheating is what made me who I am. I like to thank you all for allowing me to cheat on you. For loosing belief in any form of improvement and with Russia as my witness, there will be none as long as I`m alive. I`ll stay here as a blocking symbol for a better tomorrow.

-I get paid shit loads of cash for doing this, tons of pussy and whatever the hell I point at. If any of you think you can challenge me, I`ll punch you in the face and after that the White KGB will take care of you while you`re asleep.

-Tomorrow I`m gonna order a custom build Dreamliner from Boeing with swimming pools & air shopping centre. Hot young females from around the country are welcome onboard. I will dump you abroad when I`m done doing you. As payment you can stay abroad, look for a better life and better men. Power abuse rules, ypa!


Photo The Deceiver

All roads leads to me

Suicidal. -It irritates me that this street doesn`t bear my name. It was build for me! They wouldn`t built it unless they knew I moved inn. It was written in the stars. There wouldn`t be a single street in the nation. Not speaking about earth if I hadn`t been born. I am the new Messiah and only I understand it... Can you understand how frustrating that is?

-Your speaking to the son of God and doesn`t even realize it. All you care about it not me, not me, not me, not me... blah blah blah... Who cares what you think. I`M GOD!

-Apparently there is a lot of other walking around at night thinking their gods too. What a bunch of loosers. How brain damaged can you get? They should seek help. Talk to a head shrink or somethin. I can`t help them cause I get furious with anger if any of them come close. I know it`s not very godly of me, but their faking my identity. It`s the ultimate sin among gods. You just don`t do it. It`s abuse of power. 

-The dumb thing about this is I can`t tell. If I do, I`ll get locked up and there`s nothing I can do cause they don`t understand their wrong. So I have to carry this burden all alone. It doesn`t do anything. It`s not that I can`t do magic tricks, but lots of other knows them too. Standing there claming to be son of god and pulling out a rabbit from your hat isn`t that cool. You can get away with it in childrens parties, but the moment you do it in church it`s out he window. 

-If it`s one thing being Godly has teached me is it`s a pretty lonely business. Not much competition. Anyone with credibility left the planet years ago. You know anyone around today is a nutter, so excluding the books it`s smooth sailing. I`m the only living choice.

-The population on earth is estimated to be 22 billion people in 2100. That`s 7 for them and 15 for me. Timing my friend. How do you get the biggest following known to makind? Time, time!

-One day you will understand what I`m not getting at. Jesus died for our sins, I get ill.

Photo showbizsuperstar

iPad: Wow! Flat news!

iSame. -Damn, the screen is still flat. I thought I would get something 3Dish... Something cooler than... flat. And I who thought the news would be better. It`s the same news. How can they get better? It`s news... ???!!!

Photo Johan Larsson

Running men

Leg abuse. -People keep asking me how did you win? You??? And I keep telling them cause I`m the best. You newer saw this on television cause the tv-producers didn`t show it, but just before the finish line I pulled down my pants, wiped out my c**k and peed on everyone.

-Best thing is they can`t take me for cheating. I never used drugs, just check my piss. It`s right there, actually it`s everywhere. I got some party bladder. I newer pie when I drink. I make one hose off the next morning. Must take close to 10 liters.

-I work as a reserve firefighter when I`m not running, in case they need some extra hoses. Nobody else really wants to hire me so I`m fine with it. If the fire is close by I stay home, whip it out the window and do it from there unless there`s buildings in the way. If so I turn on the telly and call in empty.

-Athletically I do great, but on a personal level I tend to fuck it up every time. I get jealous when guys take likings in my girlfriend and to keep them off I pie on her. I can`t stop it. It`s an animal instinct I`m not in control of. I get the same face every time, "Are you out of your f*#king mind?". "Yes honey I am. Can you get me a beer while your angry at me so I don`t have to deal with you? okay, I`ll get it myself...".  

-You might ask why I run when there is so much else I could not do. It keeps me off the drugs. It`s either marathon or heroin. I wish it could take me off the streets aswell, but you can`t get everything in life can you. Not when I keep peeing on everything.  

Photo familymwr

Can`t find anything

Hide & seek. -The food store keep rearranging the groceries to get people like me buy more while I end up buying nothing cause I can`t find shit! Some corporate dick came up with the idea that if they make customers run around in the store looking for what they want they`ll put other stuff in the trolley on the way. Not me. I`m not using any of those trolleys until they install GPS on em. Then you at least don`t have to f*#k around. No, I just eat out instead. Worst part is, it`s cheaper and no dishes. Try find that in the supermarket?!

Photo Eleventh Earl of Mar

Position creates person

Multividual. -There`s no way I would have done any of this if I was sitting at the other side of the table, but from this angle - hell yeah! There`s no way I would have put up with any of this shenanigan had I been at the other end, but the pay is too good. It`s sell-outs like me who enables this shit to go on. I dislike myself for that, but I like what it brings more. I try not to think about it.

-Instead I search for negative traits in the people around me and make sure they are aware of them. That, in particular, pisses of the people at the other side of my desk. Which I have learned to take pleasure in over the years. I keep a scoreboard on how fast I can brake them. Tears is 10 points, broken heart 9, breathing problems 8 and so forth...

-My personal best is suing a gay guy for raping a woman and winning. He cried 0.0013 seconds after the verdict. He literary bursted out in tears. The solicitors had to mop the floor.

-We had this guy here we wanted to get rid of so I offered him a few suicide courses. He never showed up for any of them. Not die with dignity, if not for you then for the company, we just don`t like you and it`s the best for all of us - especially you. Since he newer bought any of it I created an accident at work. He got hit by a semitrailer in his 7th floor office. It was beautiful. The most spectacular kill I`ve ever done, but expensive.

-Before the funeral I found out it would be cheaper to let him live and even profitable keeping him. Now he was just dead weight for everybody. Well, you can`t win em all. I`m glad the police never had resources to investigate. My reputation was on the line here. I had no desire to change the tables. Now, if you`ll excuse me, I got staff to take care off.

Photo Joi

Youtube is revealing

Crap. -It wasn`t until I uploaded the movie on youtube I saw how crap it really was. I don`t know what went on in my head. The story was shit and I wanted the studios to spend 200 million dollars on it. That`s the total food budget in Somalia. How could I be so delusional? Actually, from a immigration points of view I had a point. Why not? Atleast we get something in return...


-Anyway, so here I am at McDonald serving burgers and catching up with reality. It takes longer to discover your not a genius than it takes a genius to make a discovery. And a lot of humiliation, cause you realize you ain`t got shit. I`m gonna have to serve burgers to support my family the rest of my life. I might swop to Burger King, but it`s still burgers. I wish I`d never got myself a video camera. It was so much better being deluded.

-Thanks to youtube everybody have to realize their not fantastic now, except a few lucky ones I wish I could beat up. But that takes skills I don`t have. You don`t exactly learn that at McDonalds. It`s more "call security, we got a situation" or "next...".

-I was thinking about taking a college degree or something, but when I saw the workload that had to be done I thought why try harder when I`m perfectly unhappy where I`m now.

-I should have gone into finance. There you can both be an asshole and make a lots of money at the same time. Here I got to smile to everyone. It drives me nuts. I wish I could tell someone to go f*#k`em selves like the corporate guys and get paid for it. But then again, that takes a drive and commitment that I don`t have.

-It`s sad to say, but it`s thanks to companies like McDonalds I`m off the streets. They particularly look for braindeads they can pay as little as possible. Here I`m a qualify employee. I fulfill all wanted qualities: dumb, willing to work odd ours, fits in the uniform, has no great aspirations in life, speaks English. Without the burger job I would be dead by now. So, do you want fries with that?

Photo Ben Garney

Have to stay 500 meters away from himself

Yeah! -It`s to protect me from my mouth. I don`t know why I tell you this. I`m not even supposed to be here... Apparently it`s good for the economy. Lord knows why? But there is nothing I would do for my country, that I wouldn`t do for myself.., how was that phrase again? I like pussy man, ups... Did I say that out loud? Damn those microphones. Their everywhere. Back in the days you could say that in Congress. Kennedy did and he meant it. Thats how you got elected. People wanted to know who they voted for and there is only one way to really get to know each other. Thats why the President lived in the Shag House. He couldn`t possibly fit all those women into his own house. And he needed protection from all the angry husbands, which is why the Secret Service was established. But that was before television. Now it`s all about facetime. O boy, am I gonna get into trouble now.

Photo World Economic Forum

Constant access

iHell. -The bitch wont let me be alone. 400 phone calls, 750 messages, just today!!! It`s f@#king unbelievable! I didn`t leave the house so she could continue bitch`n. I did it to get the hell out of there. Guess what honey, I don`t want to see you right now. And maybe you cool down after a few hours. But no, he`s got an iPhone. Let`s bomb him with the wireless bullshit all day long. I`d rather marry a terrorist. Atleast they blow themselves up.

-Now the iPad is coming too. As if my life isn`t distracted enough already. Yeah, thats just what I need. Another gadget to take the focus off my life. God, I can`t even remember my wife`s name. No matter she`s angry at me. How the hell can you expect me to remember our anniversary when I can even remember your name?

-My brain is not made for all this focus change. It works fine as long as it`s on autofocus, but the moment I get distracted I loose perspective of my life. I keep looking on these gadgets all the time! I mean, my eyes hurt, they really hurt!

-So I went to a therapist and he told me to get rid of my gadgets and I went "are you out of your fucking mind?!"... and he was. "Do you think my life is that much better?! Hey, I know I complain, but what else can I do?

-I can`t say out loud I hate my life, my wife, my job, my everything. Who want to hear the truth? No one, the least me! What do you think keeps me off the anti depresants? It`s the gadgets. They take the focus away from the real problem - me. So I don`t have to deal with it. Who wants to deal with me? Not even my wife means it when she says she love me. It`s just to get by.

-Why do you think she sleeps with my best friend? And why do you think I don`t care? Cause I`m not there. It`s the only way I can survive this shit. Lying there in bed while my best friend porks at my wife isn`t that easy. I need the distraction or one of us is gonna end up dead and thats not gonna be me. Now, I`m gonna charge you for this session, cause you obviously needed to learn a little about life".

-Fuker never paid.

Photo Courtney Nash

Justin Bieber called security for help to throw out the tv from his hotel room window

What? -The flat screen looked so light hanging on the wall, but it was embarrassingly heavy. I don`t know how rockstars did it in the old days. Those tv-sets must have weighted tons. Maybe that`s why icons like Keith Richards are still around - their immortal. I`m just done after the concerts. I have no energy left to trash my hotel room. I usually just sit down and play some videogame or go online.

-I stay way from facebook though, theres too many underage girls in my message box and I`m not even old enough myself. What can I do? I stick to my music man. I`m in it for the money anyway so I don`t care.
 
Photo ElHormiguero

Misses the cold war

Memory Lane. -Sometimes my buddies and I take the vans and pretend the Russians are coming - just like the old days. We start with James Bond from Russia with love, then we get hammered and load up the trucks. One time we actually meet the Russians. We must have had way too much vodka, used drugs or something. Thank god nobody saw us. That would be the end to my millitary career.

-I mean, how the hell do you explain blowing up a whole f@#king mountain?  Now we can atleast blame it on some UFO bullshit or using up the budget. Which is why we take this trips at the end of the year. There is so much amo left you want believe it. These terrorists are nothing in comparison. Their so few and far between and every time they strike the cops can handle it. It`s just a car bomb or two. The Russians had f@#king Migs and shit. 

Photo ERcheck

Half the population in Norway don`t believe in global warming anymore and their`re the onces who gave Al Gore the Nobel Price

National guilt. -We feel bad about it. The last couple of winter have been so cold we`re talking about global cooling here. Maybe earth is making up for the last few decades. This is not winter, this is hell.

-Al Gore should never won. It`s like giving the prize to the communist leader in China, whatever his name is. Who cares, he`s not an individual anyway. Not like Liu Xiaobo who speaks against the global bullshit.

Photo NASA

Security was so tight only 3 got in to the studentparty

Party hard. -I was hoping to fins spot where I coud make out with my girlfriend but there where no spots. The whole building was secured. We had to do it with the guards watching us and going through our pockets and I said, hey! It`s rubber man, it`s for safety. Then he lost it and took us straight down to the security station. I asked if he could actually do that since he was not a cop and it turned out he couldn`t. He just took his job too seriously, so he handed back the rubber, drove us back and gave me a 100 dollars if I didn`t report him.Which I did, after I received the 100 dollars.

-When we came back to the party there where so many guards there we couldn`t get in. They all looked like a bomb had gone off and they kept reporting to the same central simultaneously. It was ridiculous. So I dropped my pant and yelled out. "Everybody down on the floor. I got a fart!" Then I farted. None of them liked it. Oboy, it was a real stinker. Maybe I could have got away with it if it hadn`t been for the intense smell. Jesus Christ it was bad. It was one of those egg, kebab, beans, oatmeal onces.

-It was the fartsmoke who saved me. They all kept bumping their heads into each other while my girlfriend and I crawled out on the floor. If we knew security was gonna be that dumb we would have broken into a bank and made out in a vault instead.

Photo HIRATA Yasuyuki

Fear of the teenage mutant ninja muslim

Badass burka. -Nobody dares to fight this religious fightermentalist. It`s like God gave him strength by removing his brain so he can`t feel, see or understand pain. He just goes for it. It`s mental. He asks for more even when his heart stops pumping, ironically those bonus beatings is how he jack starts his hearth. He`s playing with death, but since nobody challenge him these days, he takes his game to the park.

-It looks ridiculous, jumping around like some combat ninja when there isn`t anyone there. Even if he was harmless, I would still not say hi. You just don`t admit knowing a guy like that publicly.

-I hope he dies in a lightning accident. Yeep, it`s probably the only thing that can take him out. The police has tried everything over the years to get the park back to the neighbourhood. Even the army came at one point, but there where too many casualties.

-Accidentally they blew up his apartment. Even though he hadn`t been there for 7 years, just the fact that he had one gave us hope that one day, one day he`ll go home. When that blew to pieces it removed all hope. We`ve been walking in oblivion ever since. There`s no hope. The madcap yelling will never end. Dozens of residents has taken suicide. Drug abuse has risen to an all nation high and life expectancy has dropped by a third.

-I hate fightermentalism. 

Foto  kamshots

Made outside China

Babyexplosion. -Isn`t she cute? We got 5 more at home thanks to the multiple child policy in Russia. Here we can f@#k like rabbits. That`s why every city call their Chinese neighborhood a town and the others Little Italy or the Spanish Quarter or something... we outnumber them.

-It`s a shame I can only make one at the time. I was hoping for twins to shorten down the production time... Anyway, every year, my husband and I take our kids back to Shanghai and ridicule our friends. "You only got one?! Ha ha ha!!!!"

-We tell customs we`re working in a kindergarden to avoid problems with the authorities. They know we`re bullshitting, but what can they do? We all look alike!

-It`s not China you should be afraid over. Their never manage to take over the world before they collapse. No, it`s the Chinese living outside China you should worry about. Cause we will take over the world - the old fashion way.


Photo Wesley Oostvogels

Drank to handle drinking pressure

Greatest disease. -I couldn`t handle the peer pressure any longer so I started smoking hash to calm my nerves. Then I got the munchies every time I smoked and gained 10 pounds after a months. So I took some classic acid too loose weight and I soon I was skinny again - but way too skinny. So I had to smoke more hash to get the munches again. About that time I couldn`t remember my name anymore and I felt really shit so I snorted some coke to get back in the game. Little did I know my time on the drug scene was nearly over.

-There was about 4 months last year where I had no memory. Only thing I remembered was waking up in court when the judge decided to send me to rehab. Apparently I had climbed up yo the top off the office building where I work butt naked and played air guitar next to the company logo all week. My co-workers has it all on camera and the hitts are getting embarrassingly high on youtube. My boss says I`m done in this continent.

-In rehab is where the real problems began. Send 50 airheads like me to a rehabilitation facility out i the wine district an your asking for it. I`ve newer poured more alcohol into my body than during those 6 months out in a closed facility. Thank god it was faraway from everything. This would newer worked in a city. All the noise! You could hear us play Highway to hell on Spotify 50 miles away. That`s when I realized... I got to get into this rehab business. It`s the only thing in life I`ll actually manage to pull off.

Photo tedmurphy

Julian Assange: -What are they gonna do, impeach me?

Accuser accused of accusations. WMA asked street rapist Reggie Brown for an expert comment:




-He doesn`t come across as a guy capable to force himself on a woman unless he`s using some kinda jedi mind trick. He`s name is Julian, he`s a skinny ass bitch. Just about any women could kick his ass on miles distance. Women are strong these days. If he was serious about getting into the rape business, he`d better go to the gym an put on some muscles or he`ll get his ass whooped. I`d say those bitches got paid a trunk load of cash to report him. There must be at least a few thousand of those around. Ask Bill Clinton.

Photos otromundoesposible_com / Franco Folini

 

Educated to death

Human sculpting. -I lost my normal eyesight from reading all the f@#king books. Now I can`t even drive my car without smashing into something. It`s not fair. I didn`t even care about those tittles. They where all boring and had nothing in them that spoke to me. Seriously, do you expect me to care about Shakespeare - ever?! I prefer Mad Men any day.

-Why did I have to learn math? I haven`t used it yet. When do you need math?! I`ve lived for 30 years and I´ve never been in a situation where I had to find out how long it takes X to get from A to B if C is f@#ked.

-I got a sore ass syndrome. My butt where never designed to sit on a wooden stool for 8 hours a day for 18 f@#king years. It`s a walking muscle for christ sake. It`s the biggest muscle in our body and we sit on it?!

-I nearly died during last exams. I was so bored my brain shut down. I had spent the last three weeks reading around the clock with no interest or sleep. My head bashed into the desk. The exam guard thought I was drunk so he let me lie there with a broken neck. 6 hours later they rushed me to the emergency hospital. Finally some action! I insisted on driving the ambulance, but they wouldn`t let me. I said it`s my f@#king neck. If you don`t like it, get out. They refused to co-operate so I threw them out. From what I saw in the rear mirror they would most likely need an ambulance themselves. Then they can drive that one. This one`s mine.

-I`ve never felt more alive than when I crashparked into the emergency room at the hospital. F@#king ey! That`s when I realized I got to get out of uni and see the real world. I`ve wasted my entire life sitting behind a desk listening to some jerk who didn`t give a shit about what he teached or smelled like.

-I never went back to class. Instead I opened a rehabilitation centre where I offer dropout programs for students who want to get back into society and live like a normal human being.

Photo dcJohn

Skullbook nation

Branding. Facebooks Personality Minister Mark Zuckerberg meet the clan leaders from Somalia to discuss personality driven society building and how they can bring their tribal society into the modern age.

-It`s very simple, says Mr Zuckerberg, the man who got half a billion people to join his facebook nation voluntarily. -Just stop do that shit your doing. Then he left. The clan people shock their heads in confusement. -Did he just leave? Is that all? Is he f@#king crazy?!

Then one elderly man understood the meaning of his words. -He`s right. It`s that simple. All we have to do is not do anything. Then they all saw the light, got high and forgot everything.

Photo ctsnow

Advertises for ammunition in sports arrangement

What?! Yes, the otherwise so peaceful nation Norway, world known for it`s Nobel`s peace prize and successful use of soft power in international conflicts allows bullet manufactories to advertise on sports arrangements. WMA asked some spectator in this ski jump tournament what they think. -When I saw the add for Nammo bullets I wanted to shoot someone right away. Fuck, they even have the bullet in the logo. How can I not want to kill someone?!


Why exactly are Nammo advertising its products at sport arrangements? -We`re trying to reach the hearts and minds of the audience just as any other brand here. And why exactly do these people need to buy your product when guns are illegal in Norway? -I guess we didn`t think that one through. Not even the cops use guns here. -I know, it`s embarrassing.

 Where Nammo secretly trying to get into the school shooting market? -Well..., let`s put it this way. There`s a lot of bad publicity involved with it, but they also use a lot of bullets cause their so bad at hitting their target. It`s like a mini version of Afghanistan. Do you think we get any better press down there? 


Since The US Army is your biggest customer, have you advertised for amo in American sport arrangements? -Are you f@#king kidding me?! Congress would come after us like dogs and eat us publicly. 


What does the athletes think about this? -I don`t think they have thought about it at all. Their a bit screwed in their heads. You sort of have to be to get into this professionally. 

How does the sports promoter feel about having the athletes support weapons of death and destruction? -Money in the bank. It`s a win win situation. The more bullet they sell. The more money we get. There`s no signs they will run out of conflicts to supply. As long as humans are humans there will always be wars. It`s the best f@#king sponsor we`ve ever had. Any ethical issues? -No. 


Photo IsoJ

Downgrading my laptop is the smarterst move I ever made

F@#k online. -Now nobody can reach me! And I can finally concentrate on what I bought the computer for. I haven`t worked a single day since I got it. I`ve just been chatting, socializing, watching videoclips, flipped trough blogs, deleted emails, scanned through newspapers... It got to a point where I couldn`t recall what my job was.

-That`s when I took a brake hoping to recover my memory. After 10 minutes still blank. My other body parts where working as normal, but my brain was slow. I decided to reboot, went to a bar and got hammered.

-Waking up the next day with a fresh start didn`t do jack shit to my memory. I was afraid I`ve lost it forever. I kicked myself in the head out of anger hoping it could help. I called up a friend and he said he`ll come over and refresh it. In that moment I asked myself: do I really want to know? No, I don`t, so I told him to concentrate on his own problems and stop being such a show off. We never spoke again. I guess he took it personally. People are so sensitive about their flaws.

Photo Bahamut0013

First time with stick shift

Ladies day. -If I knew it was that hard I would have rented a cheaper car. I`m very good with my husbands manual, I certainly know how to drive him crazy, so I though, how hard could it be?

-Obviously a bit more complicated than my husbands. He only has two gears. On and off. But with this I have to select the right speed and I can go backwards. There`s even a neutral position for when you don`t wanna go at all. Try tell that to my husband. I wonder if pilots have the same problem..?

-I like that the stick does what I want it to and that it`s not shooting in my face after 20 seconds. If I had known about this earlier I would have married a car. Now I got to deal with this pudding who`s parked himself in the garage for good. If I could only smash him through the wall like this one and get a new on the insurance claim.

Photo YannGar Photography / wikipedia

Santa is gearing up for X-Mas

Get ready to rumble. -We did some test flying with the Joint Fight Striker and I`m very pleased with the results. I ordered a fleet of 120 F-35. Rudolph is really pissed off. The world population is so much higher now. Thank God the muslims don`t want presents. The Jews are getting sloppy... if the Hindues do the same I`m sold out. The only reason I`ve keept up is because American agreed on getting it one day late. But now with the internet any everything I don`t now how long it takes before some little schmuck says "Hey, wait a minute... my half-brother in Europe got his shit yesterday!"

-We`ve been training on surgical delivery all summer. This is the first time I don`t do pipe delivery. I`ve had so much problems keeping the suit red. I have to take in to the cleaners after every drop and is slowing me down soooooooo much. I´m really looking forward to sit in the cockpit and shoot the presents. We tried out window delivery, but I can`t count on that everybody leaves their windows open. Not these days, thieves might... actually, not any days, it`s freaking cold outside so we`re sticking to the pipe.

-We did a drop at the nuclear power plants in Iran and North Korea as a part of the training program. The pipes are so big their excellent when you don`t know how to operate the heat-seeking presents. I`ve never seen people scream so much. They ran in every direction waving their arms. Like they never seen food before. It was great. Too bad it was just plastic toys...

-We start 08.00 on the 24 of December and continue non-stop until midday on the 25th. I don`t know what we`re gonna do with Iraq and Afghanistan, but we`ll figure it out. Probably just skip it this year. Blame it on global warming or something.

Photo by LadyDragonflyCC - Turkey Time!!!! / mashleymorgan

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