One bomb policy

No Child Left Alive. Several countries around China introduces a one bomb policy to keep the population from exploding. -The biggest threat is not a baby boom from within, but from without, says the Population Minister in Singapore. -Our young generation is too busy with internet porn to make babies. What we fear is if the commies decide to dump their people here.


-We`re only 5 million, what can we do if they ship 50 million here? We have to arm the whole country and hope for the best.

 Photo 【J】

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 Photo justinbaeder

Battle Hymn of the Bear Mother

Fighting-class mom. -It`s unbeliable what you go through to raising kids. When I wrote this book I couldn`t tell the difference between the war in Tjetchenia and dealing with my children. They where both battle arenas. Endless fights to put on their clothes, feed them, get them to school. I drove them in the tank. It was war one way or the other anyway and I had to get to work.

-War on children is like war on terror. After 10 years you realize their not going to listen. You can only do your best and hope for the rest.

Photo Growl Roar

Run away dad

His Royal Lateness Prince Charles

Absurdistan

Demolition forces. -After 10 years of this I am really looking forward to come home to a metal hospital. I can`t wait to see my old friend spit at me. Or loose my mind every time I hear a siren. Boy is it gonna be fun abuse drugs and live on the street for the rest of my life.

-When people see me under the highway with a trolley they know I fought for Haliburton. I`m one of the guys who stood up and made those contracts possible. Would I have done if I knew I`ll end up in a dumbster? Hell yeah. I was already on my way to the dumbster. The only difference was the Army offered me to be Rambo on the way. Imagine what happened if I stayed. I can`t get away with this in the states?!

Photo The U.S. Army

When China falls it will set off the biggest earthquake in history

Chinami. -It can wipe out the human race, says analytics at the earthquake center. -Chinese people will flood all over us, the great wall of China will mute some off it, but other than that - we`re f#@ked. Some people compare it with the meteor who knocked out the dinosaurs, but recent studies shows that it was the Chinese. -Yeah, they have been here before. Their also behind the big bang. Typical commy. Make a lot of fuss out of nothing. The evidence is all over the universe.

Photo openDemocracy

Pocket cinema

The iPhone experience. Lot`s of girls complain about boyfriends whipping out their d#@k on movie dates.

-They want to take us out to see movies behind bushes or in public toilets. It`s not a turn on when they put their hands in the pockets and "Oh.. I forgot the iPhone at home, but maybe you like this". -I always take a bite. When they scream I say "Ups, I though it was a hot dog. Did it hurt? I`m so sorry". But, I`m not.

Photo blakeburris

Pentagon rethinks everything

The love room. -We got enough bombs to blow up Europe, the President can delete China by pressing del on his red iPhone and yet we can`t beat a bunch of savages in Afghanistan. Their cavemen!!! We defeated the Russian Empire with 80`s technology for f#@k sake! says US smokesperson.

-Clearly it`s not working. Whatever it is that we try to do. I don`t know what it is anymore. I lost track several binoculars ago. So we`re demolishing Pentagon and building a giant heart instead.

-We will no longer send young men and women to fight. From now on they will make love. Wherever there is trouble in the world, the US Lovely will come inn and tears down the place with rap music & beer.

Photo US Army Africa

Towering Inferno

Run for your life. The 1974 disaster movie is turning into real life. -We had no idea we where making a documentary. It`s like Network, who would have guessed? says the director.

-There hasn`t been many tv stars who became presidents. But the republicans still have things to destroy. It must be virtually impossible for them to get politician these days. But he is just in it to sell White House apartments in his new Presidential Tower. Imagine the price if he won?

-Has anybody thought about what would happen if he becomes the apprentice elect? He would fire everyone in the government within 2012 hours.


Poster Cain and Todd Benson

The Obama tapes

Sing certificate. On a closer examination of Obamas birth certificate it turns out the guy is related to Nat King Cole. In fact, his been a late night entertainer his whole life. He never went to Harvard. This picture is from a Sinatra tribute concert in Las Vegas 2006. It`s unbelievable nobody found out earlier. Guess nobody expect a black politician to come from those circuits. It all makes sense now...

Photo Joe Crimmings Photography

Obama was offered the lead in The Hangover Part II

Changeover. -He was positive to the part because it reflected the post-blackout misadventure of the next election, but neither Congress or the Senate wanted to hear anything about it. In the end he turned it down. But he promised he would go see it with his pals.

According to staff interns the first was a big hit in the White House. Apparently it`s the first cross over movie that appealed to both democrats and republicans. Rumors has it they united in front of the flat screens and bonded like the morons in the movie.

Poster curtesy of HangoverPart2Warner Brothers

Theme park buys Fukushima

Nuclear house. -When we saw how much attention the nuclear accident got we thought this is what we need. Kids these days aren`t scared of spiders and snakes, they use them as pets. Haunted house is a joke to them. We needed something scarier, something nuclear. Then Fukushima came along and boom, that`s it.

-Look at the media sales. Customers want nuclear scary and we`re all about money. We got it so cheap too. They practically gave it away. Like they didn`t want to have anything to do with it anymore. Imagine if we where to build the attraction ourself. Probably would have blown to pieces before we even finished it.

-Everybody entering the amusement park has to wear those white protective suit. Other than that it is pretty much the same except for the radioactive cloud leaking out of the attraction. There is nothing we can do about that, but that seems to be part of the attraction, says CEO of Deadly Attractions Parker Jones.

Photo jurvetson

Apple target New York in new ad campaign. -We are the big apple now!

Old York. -New York looks like something made in China. Let`s face it. We`re bigger, better and smaller at the same time, says Apple marketer Johnny Loud. There`s nothing here you can`t get on iPad except oh... I forgot, air pollution, no parking space, crime...

Photo thenesmiths

Royale with cheese

Say cheese. Prince William has chosen who he will live his public life with. WMA congratulates Kate Middleton and hope they live happily ever after in the public eye and don`t let the tabloids tear them apart.

Photo UK_repsome

Why do they sound so angry?

Fool language. -We are pissed off. It`s our thing. The Greeks are lazy, the Americans think they rule the world, we`re angry. It`s what we do and we`re good at it. Look how we howl at the Americans. For 10 years man. With what? Our mouths. It`s all we got. People don`t realize this, but it`s our lack of guns that makes us talk like this. If someone cracked the code and understood it`s all for show with nothing to back it up we`re done. It`s over. No Khalifat for you, my friend.

Photo Christiaan Briggs

The meaning of death

Black comedy. While the Iraqistan war cost 120.000 lives last year 1.2 million people died in traffic around the world without even starting a fight.

If the coalition forces implemented a war on roadkill instead of terror 10 years ago millions of lives and billions of dollars could have been spared by simply rebuilding roads.

Photo Ken Lund

US Army to nuke Mexican drug cartel

Up in smoke. -Our troops need a quick fix, an easy win to boost our self esteem. The drug cartels seemed like an easy target.

-If they don`t surrender to Mexican authority we will nuke them until they do. Their all hidden up in the mountain anyway. God, if only we could do that in Iraqistan...

Photo jurvetson

Writing the book was a labour of hate

Hatechild. -I would never write it unless I had too. Unfortunately it`s more pleasurable writing than spending time in jail. If made more as a stripper I would do that. That`s how motivated I was. I was seriously considering doing the time instead of paying back my depth. I`ve never been as happy as when I finnished this book. Not even when I got divorced and lost custody to the children.

-That the book became a surprise hit makes me hate it even more. Now I got to go on book tours talking about it too. As if I didn`t get enough when I wrote it. And to all the fans who come up and say they love it... sorry can`t help ya. It was just something I had to do to keep the creditors at bay.  It`s always been like this. I`ve never written anything cause I wanted to. I tell you, I got a really tense relationship with my publisher.

Photo Louis Pagan

Air pollution is impossible in North Korea, they can`t afford fuel.

North Choreography. It`s the cleanest cities in the world. There`s no air pollution, no food, soon there`ll be no people too.

-The power shortage is so serious they shut down the traffic lights. What`s the point? Nobody uses them. I can sit here and play packman on the operating system all day long without ever passing level one. There`s not enough cars to eat! says traffic controller Noyamaha.

-It`s the most boring job in the world, says traffic police Carsan. -Statistically it`s a bigger chance of getting hit by a car inside a kindergarden than out here in the streets. In my breaks, I lie down on the road. I don`t even bother going to the sidewalk. There someone might step on me. I rather take the chance of not getting hit by a car.

Foto yeowatzup

North Koraen & South Korean: Will they ever unite?

The book of borders. -No, no f@#king way. I read their version of the Korean and I don`t like it. It`s wrong. Our Shia Korean is the right Korean. The truth. The Sunni Korean is bullshit.

How can they expect to cooperate with us when they don`t even want to submit? asks the general of the North Army.

Photo yeowatzup

The Chinese Police is the best brainwashed force in the world

Keystone Cops. -The Arab leaders envy us, says head of Manipulation at the Chinese Police Academy. -They can`t get their heads around how we manage to control one billion people. Neither can we, hah hah hah... F@#k man, nobody thought we would make it this far. Sooner or later it will get out of control. The only thing preventing it from happening is that it`s  already out of control. Nobody knows where to take it. I just hope it doesn`t take us with it.

Photo Beijing Patrol

Economic Union

Money project. The EU is a closed market where approved players get access to 500 million consumers.

This is achieved through a common set of trade blocks applied by each member which enables the players to move freely within the confined space while the rest of the world is shut out.


Photo openDemocracy 

Attacked by angry fire

Peace invasion. -Yeah, they where really mean as opposed to my best buddy who was in a great mood when he shot at us last week. Something must have snapped. I`ve newer seen anger like that before. They didn`t even try to kill their own?

 Foto DVIDSHUB

Consumers boycott China

Wasteland. Waste managements around the world is setting out blue trash bins for consumers who wish to throw away their Chinese shit.

-When I heard about the missing dissidents I threw everything I had from China. It would have broken soon anyway. When there`s so many other cheap labour abusing countries too choose from... Why care about China?

-I don`t live in ching chong country so I can tell the Elite`s Republic whatever I want and if they don`t like it they can just go f@#k themselves. I got the local police protecting me and guess what, if they try anything, we have an army too.

Photo FaceMePLS

The Chinese President`s clothes is missing

Elite republic of China. The clothes keeps disappearing one by one and nobody knows where they go.

After a throughout investigation it turns out the President actually didn`t have any clothes and the police is now faced with the difficult task of telling him he`s been walking around in the nude like his predecessors in a nudist colony.

However, that was also 60 years ago.

Photo gfpeck

Why muslim men wear turban

Ridiculous. "But this is meaningless", says the men, but so is the hijab answers the Supreme Leader of Iran.

-Now I understand how it is for women to be wrapped up. I totally lost my sex appeal. I haven`t had any lady attention since I put on that turban. To them I`m just another greenhorn.

 Photo Tanel Teemusk

Hugh Hefner confirms that the Easter bunny is using his playboy mansion

Viagra 3000 -She needed a place where she could do a lot of egging. With the falling Arabic leaders there where not enough harems left to get the job done so I kindly lend her mine and it`s been the best spring in my life.


Foto Luke Ford

Burned e-book

Burning love. -I didn`t burn the iPad2, cause I want to read other books, so I downloaded the fire app and used that instead. The grapics was awesome. You can blow it up. Throw it at someone. Fire it out of a rocket launch. Start a riot. Do the nazi book burning show. You name it.

-The world become a better place when I burned the lord of the rings books. Especially now after I went completely bananas on a J. R. R. Tolkien convention and smashed everything. I know the fans will be provoked and treaten to kill me and blah blah blah... As if they don`t get enough violence from seeing the films.

Photo x-foto.ch

Heaven is an app on earth

Applesation. Belinda Carlisle was way ahead of her time. Take a closer look at her lyrics and you`ll see why:
 
"Oh, baby, do you know that`s worth? Oh heaven is an app on earth. They say heaven apps come first. Who make heaven a place on app? Oh heaven is an app on earth."

Ya dig?

Photo victoriapeckham

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

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