Missing Plane Found Outside Australia, Putin Is On The Case

Benchmark. As soon as the news hit Russia Putin dived into the ocean to bring back the missing Russian passenger.

-He just took off, says one of his assistants.

-He does that. First time he was President it was weird, but after 2 terms we got used to it.

-When he came back we knew what was coming. Don't be surprised if he claims the ocean outside Perth to protect the deceased.

Photo Kremlin

Putin Got Talent

Moment of truth. The judges at the Ukrainian talent show admit it takes talent to overtake parts of a country.

-He couldn't have done it if he was retarded. So, yes, he has talent, but it's not enough to win the hearts and mind of Ukrainians.

-We're simply not looking for the kind of talent he possess.

Photo Ukraine Got Talent

Chinese Politician Denies Corruption And Kills Journalist On Camera

Communist-digger. -He had the right to be angry, says the CEO of CCCTV, Media Puppy Tai Wong. These questions followed him everywhere. He could not step out of his Mercedes SLK 55 AMG without being asked.

-Or the Bentley Continental GT V8 S Convertible. Or the Lamborghini Veneno or any of his private planes.

-Our infrastructure doesn't allow our politicians to get everywhere with a car. He took responsibility and traveled by plane, sometimes helicopter.

-He spent 11 months of the year in Las Vegas to give room to fellow citizens and you question his loyalty?

Photo Jonathan Kos-Read

No Plane Has Showed Up At The Airport Lost And Found

What's next, an airport missing?
Upsi Dupsi. The world wide lost and found database has not come across the missing plane from Malaysia Airlines. -Usually we handle stuff that's missing from planes, not planes, says luggage tracker Adèle.

-That's sort of not our business if the whole plane goes down. It's more like whoever built it. Or flew it... I don't know. I get $11 an hour.

-If you want to know where it is you got to pay more than that! $6000 is a start. I'll give you some clues where to look. Give me $20.000 and I'll tell you where it is.

Photo Vasile Cotovanu

Vladimir Putin Wants France

Okay. World leaders asked themselves what Putins next move is and together they came up with France. -Since we all disagreed, we put the suggestions in a bowl and picked one, says Angelina Jolie.

-Cause nobody will ask Putin. I mean, who wants to look like a buffoon. You don't ask in this job, you tell.

-We figured Putin likes the Eiffel Tower, it's made of steel, it's way macho and the number one phallic symbol in the world.

-Nothing would giggle his nuts more than bashing free love in the streets of Paris. It would get him off like a tornado. I know this sounds harsh, but it's France, we're just gonna give it to him. We're tired of war and we're tired of negging. The French complain abut everything. Putin... take it!

Photo G8 UK

Local Burglar Skips Breaking Into Putin's New Home After Crimea

-I figured he was out of town...
Dumb luck. -I don't want 20.000 soldiers on my lawn. Some people are better left alone, even for bad guys like me.

-There are easier targets out there. In fact, it's only easier targets out there. Come to think of it, the World Bank would be way less risky.

-Safety is the number 2 issue in this business, but sometimes it becomes number 1. In the case of Put it's not an issue at all. It's either death or death.

-I have to stop drinking. It distorts my judgement.

Photo The Moscow Times

Tech Genius Failed Because He Didn’t Have A Garage

Growuptial agreement. He had a great idea and money, but lacked that one crucial ingredient, a run down garage. -Steve Jobs was lucky, if I had had the option to choose between my garage and my million dollar home one more time. I would have worked in the garage, says Tim.

-My Porsche 911 was occupying it at the time. It never occurred to me that it could be so important.

-Which is why I raise my kids there. They are the most precious thing to me now and I can't risk screwing up them too.

-So I keep it locked at all times. Their better off there. They will never make it in life if they grow up in the house.

Photo Wikipedia

Harley Davidson Is Not Worried About Their Customer's Reputation

Speak of the devil. -In the beginning we where. We though, oh my god, this is the end. These assholes will give us a bad rip. Little did we know it was good for business, says Head of Bad Advertising at HD.

-It turned out to be a lot of dushbags around the country with no outlet for their identity and whats on their mind. And not to speak about globally.

-We have the technology to make them virtually silent today, but that would actually damage sales.

-It would put us out of business. The day your not waking up the entire neighbourhood with our motorcycle, we're doomed.

Photo chippykev 

FIFA: No Way We're Having A Paralympic World Cup

Football fundamentalism. -There's enough retard watching the games already. We can't have them on the pitch too. It's enough with the crowd.

-Thank god the majority watch it at home.

-No handicapped, no women, no sheeps... just spoiled men. Women can watch with the handicapped, but never anticipate. What is the problem? Too muslim? Come on!

Photo calciostreaming

Paralympians Are Angry At Ukraine: Hey, We Are Still Doing This!

Game of Thrones. -Why are they treating us like retards? We are not finished. Dammit! Couldn't they wait 2 weeks? says unknown gold medalist.

-For fucks sake, I want attention!

The Ukrainian demonstrators strongly apologise the inconvenience. -We forgot about that, but in all honesty, few people watch it.

Photo  Atos International

Who Think About Ukrainians Safety In Russia?

Highway to hell.
Blowing up in the wind. -Why haven't Ukrainian soldiers stormed Kremlin to protect their citizens? asks fed up demonstrator in Kiev ready to take a bullet for his country.

-Why don't Ukraine invade father Russia and hold him hostage until he obey democracy?

-And why on earth aren't they having massive millitary exercises on the Russian border?

-To quote Tina Tuner "What's love got to do with it". Nothing!

Photo julien.barrier

Radical Muslim Looks For Random Thing To Get Angry At

Terrorist bubble. -I've told my friends to text me if they see anything. I'm too tired to walk around myself. I got to keep the organisation going. It's a lot of thinking.

-It's hard to look like a leader when I don't have any followers. Especially a strong one. Therefor I'm looking for a more random enemy, like a cat.

-I can win that battle. Everybody must start somewhere. I can get maybe 2-3 underage followers for a stunt like that. Next thing you know I'm crashing a model plane into a building.

-In 6 years time I see myself at the top of my game, leading some revolution somewhere. I don't know what else to say. I was born this way. Some people are just born great.

Photo ryan.dowd

Recording Artist Admit The Next Record Will Probably Be Much Better

-I don't really smoke.
Unlive. -It's getting better each time. For the majority of people it would be best to wait until I reach a certain level, but to get there I need people to pay for this crap.

-It's what the record companies refer to as a cash-22.

-I’m 17 so I figured I got about 70-80 years. Besides, it’s up to the technology. I’m not in the studio, I’m on the cover. Robots sell bad. They have a image problem.

Long Time Until We See A Superhero Movie With Bankman

Moneywood. -We have no plans for such an opus. In generally, movies about money make little money. Especially if their positive, says studio head.

-If we focus on the negative aspects it might work as an art movie, but the art house people have already sucked every dollar out that market.

-When the audience get tired of superheroes, we have to wait 20 years before they want to see them again. If we put Bankman out there, they'll never return.

Photo jfingas

The Tonight Show Look Like It’s Broadcasted From Ancient Egypt

New Egypt. -We wanted to make it feel like a modern classic. Like it's been around forever and that it doesn't matter who the host is, says Executive Producer Lorne Michaels.

-The show is bigger than Leno, but Leno is bigger than LA so we moved it to New York to avoid his shadow. I think it stops somewhere in Milwaukee, ask the weather channel. It's been cloudy there lately.

Photo Wikipedia

Chocolate From Vietnam May Contain Traces Of Napalm

What goes around comes around. Foreign companies who move their production to Vietnam has to change the warning label. There is no longer a sustainable risk there might be nuts in the chocolate.

-It's a fact, says Head of Abusive Low Wages and Human Suffering For The Benefit Of The Few at the production plant in Vietnam. -One day we make shoes, the next day chocolate, it will be all sorts of shit in it.

-But for those who are allergic to napalm. Like war vets. It's a whole other story. We have covered ourself with changing the warning label from nuts to napalm. Chocolate is bad for you anyway. Some say it's good... depends on the bar.

-In America, Coca Cola contained cocaine 43 years after the Civil War. We're still coping from the Vietnam War. Give us some time. We can do this for 5 more years. At least we're open about it. It's not like we put it there.

picture by Moyan Brenn on Flickr

The Irish In Canada Doesn't Color Their River Cause It's Already Green

Tar baby. Thanks to fracking and tar sand the Irish doesn't need to paint their river green for St Patrick's Day. But it's a different kind of green. One that's not as innocent as regular green.

-It's a condition here. It's how we live now. Inside a coffeemaker.

Photo howlmontreal

The Green Hornet Celebrates St Patrick's Day Every Day

-That's why Kato drives.
3 times a lady. -I'm green, St Patrick is green. I got serious alcohol problems. Which is why the next Green Hornet movie is taking so long.

-I'm drunk most of the time. And when I'm not I'm watching Spider-man. That guy got it made!

Photo Doug Kline

Larry King: -I've Been Married 8 Times And I Strongly Recommend It

Timeshare marriage. -I tell my children, and my children and my child and whoever's left, that you only live once. Life is loooooooooooong and there's so many potential spouses. So many...

-You're born with legs. Legs kids. Legs! Keep moving!

-Run for Christ's sake.

Photo Edward Headington

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...