My Name Is Kim Jong-un And I Endorse Pizza Hut

-And I like to look at women's asses so they can wear
high heals now.
Pizza Kim. -It is important in a society like ours that we all look alike. Since I am the only fat person here this is no longer true. Therefore either I have to loose weight or you all have to gain.

-After serious thought I have come to the conclusion that the people of North Korea have to gain weight. I am under no circumstances going on a diet. No circumstances what so ever! If I get sick and die, then you all have to die aswel.

To solve this problem I hereby give my support to Pizza Hut. May you eat until you puke. That`s an order by the way.

Nicked from CBS NEWS

Russia Aims At 4 Billion People Within Year 2200

The Crab got China in it`s claws.
USSR-XXXL. -Our aim is to make China look like a little fart. They already do on the map, but not in people`s minds. Therefore if we tripple their population, their fucked, says population growth programmer Arseniy Afantasiy.

-Yeah, we`re going to eat the rest of the world. With 4 billion people who needs the United Nations? Who need the support of anyone?

-4 billion Russians is like Stalin on steroids. It`s a one way ticket to Moscow with a mission to die for crab and country.

Photo World Nuclear Association

Niel Armstrong On His Deathbed: Iron Sky Is True!

SpaceWar. Just before Niel Armstrong left earth he told his nurse that those space aliens really exists and that he needed to clear his hearth before he returned to space for good.

-He told me to be his bitch and give him one last ride. No, just kidding. He said that he had keept this a secret all his life to protect us from walking around scared on earth.

"It can blow up any moment", is what he said. "You can`t see this from earth, but from the moon it`s pretty clear. Thats why all photos from space have been photoshopped. It`s a giant mushroom up there that can fall down on our planet and turn it all into mud".

He sincerely hoped movies like Men in Black would make it easier for us to realize the truth, but as long as humans believed in God and all that comes with it he saw no point breaking it to us.

-If I had NASA would have faked my death, but now that I`m old and bold enough there is little they can do. What do I have to loose? Two weeks?! Big deal. The Nazis is coming back. I`ve seen it myself, they freaking live up there on the dark side. And they are only one of millions of dangerous creatures threatening earth on a daily basis.

-Thats his last words... now I want my fame.

 Photo Tony Crider

Suburb Man Proud Of Not Having A TV

Reality life. -My life is just as those shitty programs anyway. Why would I want to look at a HD mirror for fucks sake!

-Atleast thats what I said. Truth is I couldn`t afford one. How screwed up is that? I couldn`t admit it. Even losers got standards man.

-Whats the difference anyway. You either live in a box or a bubble. Who cares?

Photo iamtheo

Cathy Married Dude Without College Degree And Lost All Her Friends

Bachelor marriage. -My friends was all against it saying stuff like we don`t want him coming to our dinner parties and my parents went like, this is suicide Cathy, he will drag you down the sewer.

-But the fact of the matter is, I know, and thats why I want him, cause when it comes to the bedroom he really delivers. If not, he knows it`s the streets and I show no mercy.

-My parents where right, I lost my job cause I came late to work every morning... if you know what I mean. So now I`ve started a company. I travel around and do talks at Colleges and tell the women to quit cause it`s worth it!

Photo Women_in_Uniform

Iran Denies Women Studies > Iranian Women Denies Men Pussy

-Asholes before intelligence baby, This is Iran. 
University of Desperation. 65% of the students in Iran are women and they are constantly subject to racism from the sex who makes up the remaining 35%. Wow, what a go!

It takes courage to bully an overdog. Courage and stupidity. If you think Iran was behind before, wait and see what happens to their prestigious nuclear program when 2/3 of the nations knowledge shuts down. It`s not called success.

 Photo Amir Farshad Ebrahimi

Samsung Spy Married Apple Boss

Spywedding. The entire product line from Apple is expected to appear, not with a made in South Korea tag, but a copied by Samsung.

-People are so used to copying so they don`t care anymore. Look at the Galaxy, it`s a rip off, but who cared? says head of product copying at Samsung.

-We take whatever is out there and copy it without the development cost. It`s a win win situation.

-We sell it cheaper, we sell more units, we run away with the profit. It`s that simple. It`s the Asian way. Actually, thats how the phrase take away came about.

-We basically got the entire Apple catalogue for the next 5 years secured thanks to Chong so she`s going to file for divorce now and find someone else to marry. We`re thinking off someone inside Facebook, Twitter or the mother of betrayals, Sony he he.

-Remember their old slogan It`s a Sony? Guess what, It`s a rip off!

 Photo epSos.de

South Africa Is Not Keen On Europe After The Finance Crisis

-I like it when white people bow. Oh I like it, says Zuma.
Zumatheid. It has long been a weet dream among ANC to rule their old landlords, but the ongoing financial crisis in Europe has made it less and less desirable.

-It`s not fun to own a bunch of looser`s when they got nothing. We had plenty. Off course they wanted us, everybody did... I`mean do... including us. Which is why I decided to keep the Apartheid goldmine instead of going after Europe.

-It was easier. To get Europe I needed a fully educated population. I would need 50 million people to guard that continent, but now that I can`t cash in on it. Why educated South Africa? It`s better for me to keep things the way they where.

-People will buy that Mandela shit another 20 years. Then I`m too old anyway.

Photo World Economic Forum

Norway Bad Place For Terrorists Right Now

Dead end. With an angry population demanding their prime ministers head on a plate for the way the government handled the 22/7 massacre, terrorists are reluctant about going to Norway. -We don`t see that as an option right now, not even for family reunions, says Muhammad Also.

-We try to stay out of Europe to be on the safe side. We read up a bit on Norwegian history and it`s more violent than ours. They where the Vikings. They even left their mark in Turkey and that was far away from Norway 1200 years ago.

-You don`t fuck with satan unless you want to loose.

 Photo Intrepid wanderer

Matt Damon Joins The Cast On The Expendables in 2042

Preboot. Matt Damon signed up to do The Expendables 32 in 30 years from now. -I`ll start the ageing process right away, says Matt.

-I like to go deep into character and I want everybody to believe I am over my prime. I`m not only gonna look old, I`ll be old! I`ll be old off set too. I`m gonna use the walker, get the cough right, the high blood pressure, the uncontrolled farts...

-The wrinkles, the shitty plastic surgery, the desperate need for attention, the anger of growing old lonely, the feeling of betray from the government.., I`ll come across older than the whole cast combined!

 Photo Siebbi

Jamie Oliver Criticise Asians For Eating Too Much Rice

Jamie`s Asia. -You don`t have to eat rice EVERYDAY! I`m going there on vacation next year and I`d like to have the problem fixed by then.

The British cook world known for his ability to spit while talking is seriously disappointed over Asians cruelty against rice. I mean seriously, SERIOUSLY!

-It could be so much better. They have to fix this poor problem so they can do something about it. And I mean now, cause I`m going there on holiday soon and I`m not going to France one more time, if you know what I mean.
 Photo really short

The Inexpendables Old Guys

Punch above your age.  
Still going old. -Do you want to watch old fit people or young fat people? says the casting director at Hollywood Star Agency.

-We busted our balls trying to find young actors to beat up, but they where all fat, says Arnold.

-It`s the reason this movie came about. It`s an ensamble peace originally intended to showcase young talent, but there wheren`t any. They where all fat.

-So they went to Sly, rumours had it he was still working out and the producers asked him can you still do this? Then he said a lot of stuff nobody understood and the producers decided to just sign him and pretend they got it.

-Casting the rest of the roles was the easiest job Hollywood Star had ever done. It took 2 minutes. In fact it took only one minute, no wait it took 2. My memory is getting sloppy. Anyway... The only fit people left in USA was us so they had no choice unless they wanted to turn it into a French gay movie.

-They had to change a few lines to make the story age relevant. "Who`s your granddaddy" instead of "Listen, bitch" and "Put on your seatbelt" instead of "I`m gonna fuck you up so bad even Satan think it`s enough"... Big deal. As long as I get to kill alot of people on screen I`ll say whatever they put in my mouth. It`s not the words that counts, its the body count.

 Photo acin355

Two Years For Flashing Their Opinion In Public

Talk about silence. International popstars boycott Russia as long as there is enough fans elsewhere and political turists promise to spend their holiday money elsewhere.

-As long as Kremlin hold prisoners of opinion I choose to punish them buy not spending my money there, say Greek girl. -Not that I have much of it... It`s the principle.

Streaming Water Counts for 40% of Global Rain

Dropify. Waterdrops and snow still dominate the water marked by 61% but streaming water is passing downloaded water as the number one source of water worldwide.

-As long as the water is weet, I don`t care how I get it and as long as I can swallow it., says wet t-shirt competitor Anne Hank.

Photo silent shot

The World Can`t Get Enough Russian Pussy

Satisfaction. -When we finally can put pussy in the headlines and get away with it, you would think we would celebrate and end it at that, but it`s never enough is it. You offer your pussy but they want the whole body, says media analyst Stranger Fun.

-Pussy Riot give great head, I mean headlines, but the world media feeding 7 billion people. They can`t do them all.

 Photo ostromentsky

Russian Pussy

She`s gonna get some and she wants it.
Pussy and the guards. Salt N Pepa, the New York band who gave the world the hit Push It it 1985 says Yes!!! finally, thats what we meant.

-Whenever we said push, we really meant ..., but we didn`t have the lady balls to do what the Pussy Riot is doing. We just called it Salt N Pepa. You do the math.

-If we had performed that song in it`s intended version at the New York Abyssinian Baptist Church and told Ronald Reagan to go to hell, something would have happened. Maybe not a Putin Riot, but definitely a shut up in jail black bitch. It was the 80s. 

Photo Krassotkin

Drug Addicts Miss The Olympic Drug Scandals

A hard days night.
Olympic drama. -We felt like the games was for us too, like truly celebrating humanity for all it`s worth. We felts so for those who got caught. It was like one of us going down on a higher level. Man.., we looked up those guys, says concrete man.

-We`re still amazed to this day how they managed to do all that under the influence of substances. I can`t get anything done. It doesn`t matter what. How could they do that on drugs?!

 Photo kouk

Chinese Love That Yellow Simpson Cartoon

Springtime for Mao. -If its the ridiculement of American society or the self recognition, or both... At first I think they thought it pretty racial, until they found out it was set in Springfield USA, says US diplomat Barry Chong.

-The animators in Korea must have asked themselves "Are you kidding me?" when the that order first came. "Yeah we want one season and make everybody yellow", cause the South Koreans are kinda yellow too.

-So they probably said. "Let`s make them Chinese looking. Make sure that yellow color is bright and make Homer half monkey, half Chinese so it`s not too obvious".

Photo arteyfotografia

Dickhead Puts Up This Shit Every Time He Wants Attention

CSI: Home. -God, what an idiot, says police officer Tough Coolfeld. Every week I got to take it down and tell him nobody wants to rape you. You`re the wrong sex and guess what, you`re ugly.

-Why on earth would anyone steel anything from him? He is still using Commodore 64. A broken one and he doesn`t notice.

-He thinks his neighbours think he must be some bad ass heavyweight since there`s always something happening at his place. What he doesn`t realize is that they have always known and see this as a great opportunity to avoid him. What a bozo.

 Photo Alan Cleaver

WikiLeaks Reveals The Olympic TV Ratings: Nobody Gives A Shit

Who wants to watch rich spoiled people celebrating each
 other? They could atleast turned it into Paradise Games.
Seatmaster. According to Nielsen International, more people was watching the games from the arenas than at home.

-People are bussy, plus a lot of people don`t have homes anymore cause of the financial crisis. It`s really shit, seriously!

-More people tuned into the Simpson in Manilla. Atleast it`s funny... adds the whistleblower who also gives really good head.

-I can`t say my name in public. If people find out I give good head they will come for my mouth. I don`t like it when people shut me up like that. They pay no respect to what I say.

Photo C Michael Hogan

Romney Choosed Ryan To Get The Homosexual Voters

-Don`t worry folks. I`m bringing the white back into
the White House.
Yeah, Arrrgh! In a swingdoor attack Republican candidate Mitt Romney choose up and coming anti Obama star Ryan Seacrest as his co-star in the never ending Oscar race.

-He`s a white guy who actually got skills and his not old. Do you know how hard we had to look to find that. We all thought I had to bite the apple and get a negro. But thanks to my demeanor I didn`t! yells Romney.

-He`s a young Reagan, but I`ll be gone before he gets that far. It`s the way it should be, age before beauty. Did you get that Obama.
 
Photo tvnewsbadge

Juan Antonio Samaranch Said This Is The Best Games Ever 11 Times

The joker
Samurai. What a liar!!!!!!! They can`t all be the best. Some of them has to be crap.

In an interview with the Spanish Plauge shortly before he passed away, he revealed most of them sucked, especially the French, which is why they never got the games in his time.

-I hated them. Always bragging about their wine and bla bla bla bla bla. This is a sporting event. Cut the haute couture. We`re not putting on a fashion show here. It`s not a special interest event like the French Cinema. It`s the bloddy Olympics!

-The only thing I wish people understood is that bribes is absolutely crucial to selecting the host nation. If they can`t make us happy, how can they please the world? It takes money. And courage. If you got the balls to do that, we know your up for the task.

-You know, we can`t hold this game in a backyard. It`s not the toilet games or the development games. It`s the Olympics, bitch.

Photo Kremlin.ru

Mongolia Got Zero Gold Medals As Expected

Low expectations. They never stood a chance against the power nations. You would think they did since they get all this high mountain air training naturally, but once again it boils down to money.

-Their poor. The Olympics is for the wealthy... or the poor and wealthy. If a nation has enough poors they can always squeeze out some juice and create a small rich athletics club to bring back the trophies, says the current President of the International Olympic Committee Jacques Rogge.

-But you need a lot of poors to squeeze out enough milk to feed the few. China needed 1.4 billions to get 37 gold medals. Thats one advantage with the finance crisis. Europe will improve considerable in sports. Especially if the Euro collapse. Then they`ll win everything. Might as well call it the European Games. The only thing holding China back from total domination is the booming economy. Who wants to run for their lives when they can sit at home and watch it on tv?

-It takes a crazy person or a poor country to do that. Honestly, the carrot doesn`t work in real life. Not even in disguise as a medal. You have to be on a fairytale level to buy it. If your poor you`ll buy anything, not cause you believe in it, but because it`s the only offer. If your crazy you`ll buy it not because it`s the only offer, but because you believe in it.

In the end it`s the once who dare think they can win who end up winning. Not because they are the best, but they where the only one doing it.

 Photo scjody

The Tiny Little Island Scooped 29 Gold Medals. That`s F#%@ Insane!

Some argue Great Britain never left being the worlds
number one country. They just kept it a secret. That must
 have been a well kept secret, says others. 
Homerun. Considering it`s only 51 million of them, it equals China getting more than 1000 goldies!!!

-I know says the Mayor of London Boris Johnson. It`s why we hosted the games. To show the world once and for all we`re back on top.

-Maybe not in politics or defense spendings, but definitely on a human level. Look at us, we`re the best. Who doesn`t want to shag us!

-Even Hitler would have given up his race shit for this. That`s one for the Queen, baby. Hit it Madam! Yeah! Touchdown! Strike the pose! Yeehaa! Who rules the world? Britannia!!!!

 Photo  Dave Catchpole

Support Dick Leadership

-Look at that ass, holy shit!
Dickhead. -We cant have leaders who think with their pussy. We need leaders who use their head, says Vladimir Putin.

To make his point he`s holding a pussy control fun raising orgy at the Stoli Vodka factory.

-It will be a lot of pussy so it`s important to keep the situation under control. Therefor I`ll bring my buddies.

 Photo Jedimentat44

American Gays Think Putin Is Easier To Swallow Than Mitt Romney

Election dogs. -Putin ask for 13% flat income tax, whereas Romney wants us to pay for everything, says Madam and Eve.

-Putin makes sure Russians get their pension and Romney make sure Americans don`t.

-Besides, Putin is a former KGB agent full of mystery while Romney is full of shit.

 Photo infomatique

Curiosity Found Elvis`s Diary On Mars

Space King. Elvis has left the planet, but he left his thoughts. The reading is brain damaging to Elvis fans. His real name is Yro Bruss and he`s from the planet Moskis in outer space.

-He came to us as part of a science project, says Nasa engineer Porky Fanhill. He was a student at Buster High and got picked out to play music on earth cause nobody in his class would volunteer.

-When he came here he was not prepared he had to make the music as well. Neither the career. What he thought was a long weekend at earth turned into a 42 year long liferide. At the end he would do anything to get home to space. Even kill himself. Witch he apparently did hundreds of times, but he kept waking up. So he had to fake it and travel away.

-The last page is ripped off, but the last words reads "Earth, I love you guys, but I love space better. That`s where I belong. Space, sweet space".

 Photo NASA Goddard Photo and Video

Sells Cars To Marathon Runners

The car dealership hunting for customers along the Olympic
 tracks in London. 
Smarter, better, way faster.  -I make my case early. Why do you run? The car is here. You don`t need to do this to yourself. Don`t you feel stupid when lazy people drive past you? says Mr Trust.

-When I got them confused I rubb in my sales argument. The car can drive a marathon four in the morning. It can do it hundreds of times without working out.
 
Photo geograph

China Caught With A Jumbojet Full Of Drugs

-Here trying to escape London.
Drug Airline. -We got suspicious when the plane flew way faster than whats possible. Maybe it`s not only the athletes, maybe its the entire country. We`re talking the economy, politics, military, military... I run out of alternatives, says the Olympic Official.

-The only thing we don`t check is IOC. We know it`s f`d. When the motherload is screwed, who can blame China for playing by the rules?

 Photo BriYYZ

China Give Every Chinese A Mao Number To Replace Their Name

Soon every citizen on earth wil reseve a Mao number
to replace their name. First out in Japan, then USA, Russia,
Germany and so forth. Greece is the only country left out.
All for none, none for all. From today every chinese get their name replaced by a Mao number, popular called mass number, ranging from 1-1.4 billion.

 -We`re running out of names and so many have the onces we have now it makes no sense anymore. It all jam.

Teachers across the country is not looking forward to keep track of all the numbers. -We have a hard enough time trying to separate them, says 12854732435. Not mentioning petition.

Photo Alex`s blog

England Is Too Small for The Olympics: We Need More space Now!!!

Rub it in. London turned out to be too small to host the Olympics and England is not big enough. The games are too big.

In an effort to save the games from total catastrophy France has agreed to lend out 2 /3rds of its land mass for the remains of the game and keep Paris as back up city in case of complete break down.

-This is a dream come through for us says the French. We get to save the Brits and humiliate them at the same time. It`s better than winning the war. Thank god London snatched the games right infront of us.

Photo public domain image

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...