Shopping Mall Died From Cash Attack

Cha ching. Suddenly the cash registrars stopped. -The mall swallowed too much money. It had more customers that it could handle. It was never built for so much trade. 

-Over time it build up and... too much goods in the centre artery, says the paramedic.

-There was nothing we could do. It was dead when we arrived. There was no point throwing 5 billion dollars into the cash registrars and hope for the best. They where already clogged.

-From the outside it looks like online murder, but it was suicide all along. The mall must have known what it had coming if it didn't scale down, but greed got the better of it, rich bastard.

Photo Sam Howzit

Russia Is The New North Korea

Take another look. -I don't have the balls to invade Seoul. I don't. I'll send a rocket, or two at most, if someone pulls me up against a wall, but thats it. What Putin does in Ukraine is f@#king unbelievable. He's my new hero now, says Kim Jong-un to Fantasy Times.

From representing only one-thousandth of the world's population Putin makes a lot of fuzz. -He commands too much attention for such a small crowd. Their not that important, says philosopher Hanzi Muller.

-Putin is like my toilet seat. Yes, its important, it serves a purpose in my flat, but I ignore it and yes, I forget to put it down on occasions and my wife lets me know every time.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Rambo 5 Sets New World Record In Killing People

Bloody hell. Rambo 5 Pedophile Killer tops all previous attempts at murdering large groups of people. -He's the only one who can slaughter 400.000 people in 2 hours without using nukes, says the producer.

-The biggest problem during production was where to put the dead bodies. They kept pilling up and made it hard to see Rambo. They got in the way of the violence.

Sylvester Stallone, who portray the troubled war veteran says he never got tired of walking in dead bodies. -0.001 seconds in, the movie turned into a zombie party and stayed like that until the end. It's the most fun I've ever had. I spray blast bullets non-stop for 2 hours.

Photo iTunes /Amazon

Scientists Found Safety Hole In Space

Black sheep of the universe. What was formerly known as black holes turns out to be a huge security gap in the universe.

-Our galaxy is in danger of collapsing unless these security bridges are tightened. Dark matter is spreading throughout the galaxy and it destroy us, unless we change planet in 14 days, says Doctor Who.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Only Lazy Cruise Ship Passengers Would Survive A Global Flood Today

Fatman's Ark. One might wonder why we constantly select those who couldn't care less to bring humanity forward in case of a world wide flood.

-Their only backup. World leaders doesn't take it seriously. Look at the selection. How can any of these people bring hope for the future? says the Captain. -I bet their glad to get rid of them.

Photo Gail Frederick

How Would You Kill Jesus Today?

Nailed it. -You mean the guy walking around in sheets like he's Hare Krishna? He gotta be crazy. I'd pop a cap in his head, says ghettonigger ZJ. -Yo, this is my turf, can't walk around like a lunatic when I'm selling drugs. Man, it's bad for business.

-I'd use a weapon. No way I'd go full contact with a guy like that, says Martial Art champion Baruti. You never know what kind tricks he's got up his sleeve.

-As the President of the United States I say it's stupid to take on Jesus in the first place. You don't want to mess with the son of God. But if you have to, you better do it good cause you don't want that guy coming back. So yes, I'd nuke him.

-I use nails to hang up his picture, but not to kill him, says executioner Mengyano At Beijing Prison. -I'd prefer electricity if we could afford it.

Photo tonystl

CEOs, Are You Worth The Salary Of Millions Sweatshop Workers?

Larger than Wall Steet. -Yes, says Moonves and leaves the journalist bedazzled.

-What if you got paid in rice. Would you feed Ukraine or eat it all?

-I would eat it all.

-And if you got paid in fish that expired tomorrow?

-I would rather dump it in the ocean than serve anyone but myself. Got it? Capiche?

Photo Wikipedia

The Queen Prefer Bubble Tea

Afternoon wind. -It speeds up my digestive system and I love farting in public. Nobody says a word. I get suck a kick out of it, says the Queen.

-Speaking of being an old fart, sometimes I release gas that smells like its been down there for decades. Oh, their the best ones. They can break a ballroom.

Photo Wikipedia

Man Tried On Condom In Store

Springtime for Hitler. Not short of self esteem the man known as Mr. Big put on the Durex XXL inside the Chemist to make sure it fit.

-I don't see the difference between trying on pants or condoms before I buy it. I want one that's big enough. I'm not planing on being a daddy anytime soon. Seriously, we should test them too.

Photo bark

Captain America Confirm US Is Best At Fake Fighting

The Pseudo Soldier. Captain America is captivating cinema goers world wide once again. So why are Hollywood making another blockbuster with this guy? What is it Captain America have that Rambo doesn't?

-Dignity. We had to dig deep in our vault to find him. Deep, says Hollywood producer Trash Johnson.

-He's not fighting for democracy, oil or any other hidden agenda. He's fighting cause he's an actor in a movie and he want to show the world he can make it look real. Much like the US Army.

Poster Marvel Captain America

Google Ads Predicted Putin's Invasion

Haystack in a needle. According to his search log it was beyond doubt he was sending his troops into Crimea.

-We matched him with ads on war stuff, guns, books, noteworthy sites in Ukraine... stuff like that.

-As a Google engineer it was obvious. It's spring, he's back in power and wants to show the world he's the boss... Any idiot could see that coming.

Photo heartbeaz