Ozone Layer Repair Itself, Activists Must Repay Fundraising

A much feared hole in the ozone layer above Antarctica is repairing itself without human help according to a report by New Scientists.

The scientists suggest that the 1987 ban of harmfull gasses is finally working, but Dr T, a DJ in Toulouse, France woun't have it. -I want my fucking money back.

-I gave a lot of money to the green movement in the 90s. And for no good, all my pocket money might aswell gone up in smoke. Thank goodness I inhaled, but I still want my money back!

-Making us believe we all had to do something when in truth we didn't?! What kind a society is that? Scaring young people for no reason, then leading us into the life choices that hurts the earth and on top of that blaming us for it??!!

-I want my money back.

Image Jeyaratnam Caniceus

World Sues China - See Ya In Court!

It's the biggest and the most anticipated event since the moon landing, everyone is expected to watch. The security will be insane.

To keep the responsible virus outbreak deniers safe during the trial it has been moved to the moon. -It's the only place where we can keep them out of reach from humanity, aproximately everyone on earth wants them dead, says the prosecuter representing homo sapiens.

-We doubt that the accused will ever return to earth, it will never be safe for them, unless their sentenced to death, but then we might just aswell leave them in space.

Photo Arek Socha

China Opens Wet Markets - Learned Nothing From Global Disaster

The from here on, Chinese Virus, a direct result of cultural habits, who turned the world upside down into a global catastrophe, didn't stop the Chinese Wet Market dealers, who caused the misery, to change their habits.

China, not the brightest of countries... more like massively stupid, like a kid living alone without supervision, a retarded kid, with no brain, it has to go wrong, very wrong!

Photo StockSnap 

No More Batman Movies

Hollywood has decided to stay off the bat franchise until people has forgotten about the batsoup connection. -Maybe we'll make another Batman movie next century, maybe..., says Harvey Pigstein.

-It depends how many die from the coronavirus and how long the after effects from stays with us, I have a feeling it might be longer than WW2.

The Hollywood moguls agree that it is in bad taste to continue calling it the coronavirus. They fully support the name change to covid-19, but wish the focus was more to eliminate the bat connection.

-We don't give a shit about Mexican beer.

Illustration Syaibatul Hamdi

Astronaut Stays In Space Until The Pandemic Is Over

-If COVID-19 wipes out the entire humans race, then the mission is to go down and repopulate earth again, says the astronaut jokingly.

-But it's also true, we are the last resort if it all goes to hell. For the time being we are temporary Noah's Ark in space.

-I always though living in space was riskier than earth, I was so wrong.

Photo WikiImages

Tourism Down 2 Million Percent

-We have cancelation with airplanes that aren't built yet, says travel manager Becky Escape in Enjoy Wuhan's London office.

-People say they'll rather go to space than set their foot in Wuhan, we fear tourism will never pick up. Actually I hope it never does, if it do I have to find another job, cause I'm not going to Wuhan again.

-They can take their bat soup and shove it up their *@$#. I'm out. I'm not even going to China, f*@$ that!

Photo WikimediaImages 

"Quarantine" Is My Middle Name

The master of quarantine, Quentin Tarantino, feels sorry for the one billion people who don't have the skills to sit down and chill, go for a walk, watch a movie, read a book, or write on for that matter.

-I feel for these people, I've devoted my entire career to try to help them by making movies they would watch to the end. The key was making them interesting. So I did something very different,  I asked myself: would I watch this to the end?

-In Hollywood everybody ask everyone else for answers, they make decisions based on random people's opinion. Call me stupid, but thats not how I operate. I'm a director, I call the shots!

Photo Siebbi

Adult Content Saves Humanity From Madness In Corona Isolation

The "happy" websites is experiencing its largest boost in traffic since the dawn of timecode. -You would think people got scared from the global lockdown caused by the coronavirus, but all they think of is x@$ % &% $"!?=* @*$$ %&, says search result analytic at CloudPorn United.

-I think we should wake up and realise love has nothing to do with it. We are just horrible people.

-Seriously horribly!

Illustration geralt

Queen of England Isolated in a Nuclear Submarine

-The Queen is keept safe under water until this blows off. We have enough fuel and supplies to stay under for more than a year, says Capitan England.

Other world leaders are expected to chicken out and hide under water too, especially the French, at least until it's all water under the bridge. Only consolation for the living dead is that the coronavirus is highy contagious in water.

God save the Queen.

Photo WikiImages

World OK With Trump Getting Coronavirus

In a not surprising result from a survey conducted outside USA, most people, in fact all, answered they couldn't care less about what happens in the White House.

Since nobody asked if they wished the President where infected, nobody aswered either, but everyone knows the answer. Sometimes surveys are just redundant.

Especially if it's conducted by the Palestinian Department of Foreign Affairs.

Image fjdafdafafa

Corona Sales Skyrocket

-People want a positiv Corona experience. Thy want to get infected and have a good time, knowing they'll be all right. It might feel like you are going to die, but the hangover is just for one day. People like that thrill, says Key Account Manager Luis GarcĂ­a at Corona Global Distribution in Mexico City.

-We had Americans setting out rumors that we piss in our beer, guess what happened, sales skyrocketed in the States because American beer taste like piss. So, no, we don't worry.

-Anyway, we call the Coronavirus Maovirus in Mexico, it doesn't affect sales at home. Honestly, I don't think people will notice the difference among the local drug wars, people die like flies anyway. What's the difference?

Photo stokpic

Italy Closed for Pest Control

International travel agents got considerable more complaints when Italy decided to shut down than China. -Can't say people cared much about China, it was kinda expected, but Italy???!!! Damn!!!!

-The world wasn't ready for it, at least not where we prefer to travel. If Italy hadn't been such a tourist spot, people wouldn't care. After all, we get most of their stuff at the local shopping centre.

Photo by skeeze