Black is the New Black

New deal. Wtf, a black Bond?! Yes, get used to it. Rumour has it, their #$&% doing it.

-When Idris Elba puts on the tuxedo he will end racism. He's gonna be so %$&# cool white people will smear shoe polish in their face to imitate him, says Bond producer Bubba Asparagus

-But realistically, where do you find a white guy with balls these days?! Daniel Craig didn't only portray a dying breed, he was the last one.

So, besides bringing a huge dick to the screen, how different will a black 007 be? -Obviously, there will be extended love scenes, but we haven't figured out how to keep the movie under 4 hours. I mean, he's really hung.

Illustration Peggy and Marco Lachmann-Anke

Fees Killed 20 In Economic Accident

In disaster we trust. -The bank fucked up and the customers where killed instantly, says an onlooker at the scene of he crime. According to the Police the bank where stalling payments to gain interest, but thats to complicated to be investigated. -We just accept it.

A total of 3 million people died world wide in fee related accidents last year. Thats 2 million more dead than traffic accidents. Former head of US Nasty Bank Goldman Sachs has this to says in his defence: -"I think people are getting better at using safety belts".

Politicians world wide has no comment...

Illustration Mary Pahlke

Long Time Customer Demand $250.000 In Redress For Involuntary Promotional Work

Back in the USSR. -I have walked this street with advertising for 30 years. The grocery store would not have the position it has in the market place today without my contribution. Yet, those suckers keep all the profitt.

-I now bring my own bag which reads food poisoning and I will use it until I receive my settlement and if I don't I'll use it for the next 30.

Then we should be about even...

Photo Waltteri Paulaharju

IKEA Opens Airport Terminal

IKEA Living. -You can now fly for free to any IKEA in the world and stay at the shopping centre. We're turning it in to a hotel, says Ingvar Kamprad.

-You don't need your house anymore. Come live with us. We'll raise your kids in our ballroom and you don't have to assemble the furniture. We have done it already.

-We got a in-house hospital, you can deliver your baby in our shopping centre. You don't even have to leave. You can live and die here. We have Disneyland in the basement, there's a fotball stadium at the second floor.

-You don't even need your own family, come live with our staff!

Photo Olav Gustaf Johnsen blog

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...