Steve Jobs says it will not rain information from the iCloud

iGod. -It`s leakproof, says Jobs. Instead of staying in balance with suck and release technology like a regular cloud, our will get bigger and bigger until, literally, the sky falls down. I`m kidding you. When the sky is full it will continue out in space. There should be enough space there, he he.

-Having your information floating around is the safest way to store it cause nobody can reach it, not even us.

Photo ellhoisa

Sepp Blatter new dictator in FIFA

The emperor's new balls. United Nations security council holds an emergency meeting about the FIFA election. -Their currently discussing which asshole list to put him on, says a UN diplomat. The French seems to be okay with him and suggests the bad kitty list whereas Greece, who is not a member of the Security Council, wants him dead. When asked how the hell did they get into the Security Council, the Greeks say they just want him dead.
 
Photo AsianFC

YouToo

3 billion daily youers. -We admit that we have more viewers than just you, said the spokeswoman on the YouTube press conference. -It`s you too, then there`s you, you, you and you. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you...

In fact, it`s so many the spokeswoman gave up and video shared it instead.

Photo webtreats

Intimate technology

Inside computer. Soon computer will be fluid. Instead of watching it you can drink it. You don`t have to press a button, just think it.

Nobody will listen to music in the future, they will feel it instead. Same with movies, they want to be inn the film. Whats great about this technology is that you can do exactly the same as you would anyway if you didn`t have it.

Photo turkletom

Berlusconi sent to the international love court for crimes against marriage

Sex child. According to the indictment, Berlusconi had countless affairs with other women while married. -He pledged guilty, but not guilty and shows no sign of regret. He behave like he`s on a date in court. I guess he doesn`t see the difference since their both in his pants, says WMA reporter Nasty Digger.

His party, Fcuk Italy, has been his base for conquering women and votes. For every women, he get votes from men who wish they could do the same. He becomes a way for them to live out their dream. Sadly for Italy, there are enough men like that to give him majority.

What his voters doesn`t realize is that they vote on the guy who took their women. In reality, it`s Berlusconi who live their dream.

Photo torre.elena

US impose aging ban at airports

Old detector. -Growing old is bad for your health. It`s deadly if you do too much of it. Therefor passengers are not allowed to get any older in our airports, says United States Health Minister.

-It`s still legal to get older at home, but in public it`s getting harder and harder to find places to age, cafe`s wont let us breathe and libraries shuts the door says Rahmond, 86.  It`s coming to the points where our only option is growing old dreadfully.

Photo gliuoo

Acropolis before they teared it down

Time heals all lies. -It was good for business. People didn`t care about it when it was here. And it wasn`t as fancy as the myths. We had the option to either rebuild it or tear it down. We ended up doing noting. We where too lazy, says the old Greek. Years went by and the place looked dodgy. We organized some people to do maintenance, but they never came.

-It was when the insurance claim came we sat down to create the myth. Cameras where still hard to find in those days, all we needed to prove our scam was drawings and some bogus stories.

-I heard the dinosaur people was up to something similar. They where opening a museum and had their merchandising screwed up by this lunatic designer. But it sold like crazy. In fact the exhibition was so boring everybody went to the gift shop. Then one of the guys went "Let`s redo this" and next thing you know an archaeolog with money problems goes along with finding these "huge skeletons".

-The fraud brokers behind the finance crisis seems to be the only ones who learned anything from our history.

Photo MattJP

MacBook Amateur

Book of moron. -It`s for the idiots who end up using the pro editions anyway. Our engineers got fed up with creating great machines for these jerks. So they sat down and went "to hell with it, lets create a peace of shit", says head of development at Apple.

-It turned out to be really complicated. Their so used to making great stuff they completely forgot how to f@#k shit up. We ended up headhunting employees from Microsoft to speed things up. I think it`s the longest development process we have ever had here. When they finally finished the prototype everybody got really disappointed. The stupid machine worked.

-No matter how hard we threw it into the wall it would not stop working. It was like "Oh my God, we got a new bestseller, not again, please lord...".

-I don`t know what we`re going to do now. Hire a bunch of retards? Apply a Hitler code of work ethics?  Nothing works. Not even naming one Air helped. "Hey, it`s just air, it`s nothing inside you wont find in an airhead. Why the hell do you need a computer made of air when you got cloud computing for free?!" I give up.

Photo Serigne Diagne

-Beer helps me focus more clearly on the game

Stadium pub. Fans are gearing up to watch the match at the open air pub. -They can`t afford a big screen tv here, so they planted grass instead. The money ran out when they built the wall, if it rains we have to suck it, says Pete.

-You would think they had space enough for chairs to everyone, or at least be thrilled if anyone showed up. Instead it seems like the more they treat us like pigs, the more we want it. I f@#king pay for this shit. Unbelievable?!

-Thats why I make sure I`m loaded before the game. It`s unbearable. I don`t want to remember anything but the goals and beer helps me do that. 

-The only backdraw is I sometimes think it`s a game on my Playstation. I get so furious when I can`t control the players I get mouth diarrhea. The guard doesn`t appreciate my advise and throw me out of the stadium. If only they could tell the players. I can`t believe they don`t value my expertise. I payed to be here!

Chinese copnology doesn`t match up for shit

The Copyist Party of China. -Nobody wants Chinese copnology. Not even copy it. The least pay for it. China is one of the few countries who doesn`t have to worry about industrial espionage, says the Chinese Institute of Copywrong. -When we try to sell our stuff abroad governments think its a practical joke. They laugh and laugh and laugh. When they realize we`re serious their not even ashamed. The most common reply is "Are you f@#king kidding me?!", then "Why on earth would I buy second grade new?" "Are you out of you f@#king mind...?"

-One would think that at least Asians was interested in our stealoventions, but no, those arrogant pricks wants the American stuff. I tell them, why waste your money on the new stuff when you can get the old stuff ten times cheaper. By the time you get home it will be ancient technology anyway.

-The great thing about our knowledge is that you don`t have to worry about brakedown. It will brakedown!

Photo World Economic Forum

US Army: -We have to do more nuclear testing where bin Laden is buried

Underwater bombmarine. -We`re getting help from Japanese scientist to make sure there is a lot of leakage, says contra terrorist Joe America.

-The dead terrorist testing program has been a succees and we`re now looking into including living terrorist. We could for example do live feed bombings. With the right slow motion cameras that could be a winner on youtube. 

-We`re dropping a few internet sensations in the weeks to come. Suicide society is my favorite. It`s gonna kick ass.

Photo ssoosay

US did nuclear testing where bin Laden is buried

Nuke`m low. -We felt that it was about time we tested a few of these mother*#@#ers. We haven`t blown up anything since.., I was about to say Fukushima, but they did that one themselves, says army general Hot Water.

-It`s about time terrorists get a feeling of what will happen if they cross the border. We have reached a point now where we have had enough. This is a message to those terrorists who still hasn`t realized bin Laden is dead. He`s dead!

Photo The Official CTBTO Photostream

Oprah gets her own planet

Planet Oprah. -My new show The Oprah Winfrey Universe will be broadcasted throughout space. We`re currently negotiating with other solar systems so it`s too early to say which stars gets the star.

-Anyway, my new planet will start shining universally this Friday and in the other galaxies next Friday.


-My people are also talking to God about doing a program in heaven, but she, it`s a she, is envious. She was like "Don`t go there, girl". -A girl gotta know her limitations, says Oprah before she boarded her Galaxy Force One.


Photo greginhollywood

Obama: -It was when my gray hair popped out I realized I had Irish roots

American Guinness. -I`m glad it wasn`t red. Turning red at 50 would be weird and it would make my re-election hard, says Obama. -People would say "Gee, is he going crazy?" or "What the f@#k, a red head in the White House?!"

-Strangely enough it would appeal to rednecks and
make it impossible for people like Sarah Palin to run against me. Who the hell is she gonna appeal to: black men?!

Photo Barnacles Hostels

Men who wear pants while surfing the web spend less time online

Web pants. -Our study found out they actually have a life, which was a huge surprise to us cause we though their where all wasting their life, says Google Analytic Barbara Cronkite.

-Not that it`s bad.., it was just a shock to us. All this time we though they where the once`s surfing porn online and it turned out to be our employees. It`s San Francisco. What can you do?

-It`s weird to think about, but half of our data halls are filled with porn.

Photo Andrew Feinberg

Unintelligent design

City of fish & ships. Fist of all, it can`t swim. It looks like a fish, but it`s a building. Buildings can`t swim. You would think the people in City of Arts and Sciences in Valencia knew. Maybe it`s cause their Spanish...

This is unintelligent design. No matter how you twist it, building can`t swim.

Photo surfzone™

Fraud Protection Program

Financial Bureau of Investigation. -We have 7 thousand crisis criminals in our fraud protection program. They all agreed to continue as nothing happened as long as we gave them legal anonymity.

For security reasons we had to erase some bankers out of the photo. As you can not see - it`s working.

Photo Train Chartering & Private Rail Cars

Gaddafi is hiding in a Darth Vader costume

Clan wars. -He spends more and more time with his imaginary friends, says one of his nurses in an interview with Hide & Seek.

-After the revolutionaries teamed up with the West he build a dictator alliance with Darth Vader. He tried to get Russia and China onboard but they said they had to draw the line somewhere.

-We have to dress up in these storm trooper costumes at work now. It`s really getting out of hand. He walking around with the light saber picking fights with his sons. I have to get out of here!


-He ordered to kill Han Solo?! He thinks it`s the Millennium Falcon whos bombing Libya. His people are following Harrison Ford to find out where he is. I don`t know how much longer I can take this...


Photo Official Star Wars Blog

-Ich bin laden

Osama bin Lager. WMA came across this guy in a nightclub downtown Berlin who claimed to be laden. -After 8 lagers I think I qualify, said the German and called up NSA to tell them they got the wrong guy. Sadly, neither WMA or "Harry" could recall any of the conversation with NSA the next day, but our WMA reporter managed to get a snapshot of the world most notorious criminal before he disappeared in a taxi with his girlfriend.

WMA has reason to believe this is the reason we are not shown pictures of Osama bin Laden. And probably why bin Laden`s kill-inn was shot in the head. It makes the autopsy impossible. Word.

Photo theopie

Trump on why he bailed out

Stick to my guns. -Raping a maid, lying about a love child at the inauguration in front of your wife, killing bin Laden... When I looked in the mirror this morning I came to the conclusion I don`t have the balls for major league.

Photo Gage Skidmore

That guy from Thor is Arnold`s love child

Love hurts. Actually it`s a sex child, love alone isn`t enough to make a baby. Love is more like the door opener these days. For adoption, artificial insemination, the old dinosaur way or however you want to produce it.

Photo Big C Harvey

Arnold reveals he`s the father of 437 love childs in the California area

Leave Arnold. -It was gonna come out sooner or later. I mean, the later the better. Now that I`m done governating I don`t care, says the former Governor. -I`ve had this problem all my life. I can`t stop womanizing. I`ve tried everything, marriage, secretaries, public office, movie stardom, bodybuilding... nothing helps.

-To protect the women FBI is offering the Arnold Protection Program to anyone within a 10 miles circuit from me. From now I will also notify Golds Gym 10 min before I arrive to give women time to escape, but also an opportunity to stay.

-I`m currently trying out a new stealth condom which makes the sperm invisible and impossible to detect, but I`ve tried earlier prototypes before and made the mistake of believing in technology. Kevlar can stop bullets, but it couldn`t stop me.

Photo Caitlyn Willows

Johnny Depp attacked by real pirates

Motherf@*#er. -We where shooting this scene outside Somalia and son of a #@@&#!!. This lame ass locals stormed us dressed like us. At first I though it was a costume party. Some dumb joke. But they didn`t put down their swords. A guy cut my arm and I yelled "What the f*#%&$ is this???!!!".


 -Two minutes later the Movie Seals came and spray killed them. Body parts was flying everywhere. We got it all on film. Too bad we can`t use any of it cause there where no helicopters or automatic weapons in the time period this film is set. You`re just gonna have to believe me as I tell you.


-I hope the President of the Walt Disney Company approves the footage for the blu-ray extra material. It`s the best acting I`ve ever done. Our crew let the camera go as the seals attacked and I got my hands on a AK-47 and went crazy. I think I killed 20 pirates. For real. You should have seen the look on my face. Blood everywhere. Real Blood! I was so excited. None of this fake shit. Then off course, it was cut out to get the "PG-13 rating". Man, am I going to do an X-rated snuff splatter next!


Photo ATempletonPhoto.com

The rape fixer

Check out time. Nobody knows his name, where he is or even if he is? Except the powerful few who do.

WMA spoke to the women who knows the guy who has no idea what he`s talking about. He told us to meet mister mysterious at the Shangri la at dawn.

We got there early incase we where late. Beautiful women by the dozens where hooking up with alzheimer`s. Hours went by, days, even months. Who cares what time it is when your surrounded by such beauties.

Before we forgot it, FBI came and ran a guest check looking for a missing mess team. It turned out to be us. Wow, months pass by when your on a hot story. We asked the feds if they knew anything about the rap fixer and they laughed at us. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Then they laughed some more. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Really intense this time.

They handcuffed us into their van, puked and vomited all over us. Farted us in the face and dumped us at the Mexican border with no cash, clothes or pussy. Then they shoveled dirt in our faces until you couldn`t tell what race we where and called the border patrol: "HIV infested malaria refugees are breaking into America to rape our women". And that was all we got to report before bullets came flying our way.

Photo UggBoy♥UggGirl

Toys "R" Us buys Microsoft

MicroToys. -We needed some cool new toys in our product line and istead of developing something fersh ourselves we layed 8.5 billin dollars on the table and said "ah.. Microsoft will do".

-It saves us a lot of trouble says the retired data Engineers at Seniorsoft. Creating new software, expanding the business, hire people... I can`t imagine going through all that again.

-We considered buying Microsoft for years, but found their products too large for our shelfs, says Toys boss del Playa. -Over the last few years the company become so small we decided not to think about it anymore. This is not official, but that night one Toys R Us employee bought it spontaneously when drunksurfing the web.

Photo liewcf

Planking is an old ancient tradition

History group. This is one of the very first plankers back in ancient Egypt. According to legend this guy lay down on an erupting volcano. The most famous plank in history belongs to the Neanderthal who lay down underneath the meter who wiped out the dinosaurs. Sadly there is no recollection of the body. It all went away in the blast.

The old school plankers didn`t snap engravements, run away and publish it on their wall. They did it for the damage. They wanted to die. They wheren`t playing around like kids today. Quality of life was so poor in those days planking was a way of showing disrespect to society and protest against the life they where given.

Cause of the bodies poor state after the plank, each planker had to be preserved before the honorary engravings on the Egyptian wall of fame. Centuries later, when living conditions got better, people forgot about the plankers and mixed them up with mummies, who originally, where large scale diaper users.

Foto p_a_h

Avatar dream came true

Second chance. -I woke up and there she was, in 3D. I`m so glad I didn`t have a nightmare. Can you imagine waking up in hell? I was so lucky.

-My terapist told me to stop daydreaming. She said I was wasting my time and that I should dream at night when I was asleep.

-Little did I know she was right. She was so right. I really was wasting my time. All I had to do was not remember my dreams when I woke up. That`s how my dream came true.

Photo rafeejewell

Cannes fashion festival

Star carpet. The world's oldest and most prestigious fashion show takes place on the red carpet infront of Cannes film festival in France each year. The event is so spectacular that the models who usually do this line of work are dumped for the benefit of filmstars.

-We do it to plug our movies. If we didn`t I don`t think anyone would notice what was screening. Or even notice if it`s a cinema inside, says Uma Thurman in a fake interview with The Onion.

Photo www.chicagofabulousblog.com

CIA runs Jimmy Kimmel through security one last time before the roast of Osama bin Laden

White House Correspondent Video. -It`s the first time I`m hosting a roast without the selected target present, but since he is already toasted there is not much I can do about that. It would have been fun to see the look on his face as we trashed him, says Jimmy. 

-But I`m glad his friends couldn`t make it. Self irony doesn`t seem to be their strongest side. Besides, it`s scary enough doing standup as it is. We have to deal with bombing on stange everyday, as if we`re going to have the audience explode too?

Photo Bill Dings

Armani Seals captured the latest fashion trend

Secret Suit. The United States Armani Seals are known for their ability to operate pubs, strip clubs and catwalks, but it is their ability to work under the quilt who separates them from other financial units. 

Armani seals are trained in a wide variety of missions including direct approach, special sex operation, unconventional love, foreign flirt, hostage sandwich, counter-marriage and other missionary positions.

It was under an interrogation in Fashion Bashion 8 years the Central Style Intelligence got a tip on where to find the latest trend. They got the name of a model who was carrying the popular trends. 4 years later they where able to locate the model on a fashion show in Milano. 

After following him up and down the catwalk for 4 years the undercover agents discovered him delivering clothes to a compound outside Paris. National Fashion Agency ran a Magazine check on the address and it turned out it wasn`t subscribing to fashion TV. When they didn`t find any fashion magazines in the trash outside the compound they got very suspicious and got the feeling someone big within the fashion organization was living here. A stylist or maybe the designer.

In a top secret catwalk operation 24 Armani Seals stormed the compound and took the trend hostage. Unfortunately the designer died in the suit-out, but they got all his drawings...   

Photo Dplanet::

President of Pakistan: Why do we have to be neighbors with Afghanistan?

Troublestan. -Why can`t we border Canada instead?Afghanistan is like than son in law you wish where dead cause he goes in and out of prison and puts shame on the family, but you can`t kill him cause he`s the father of your grandchildren and he lives next door. Obama, if you think USA is a mess, look in the dictionaty under mess. It`s says Pakistan. We are the definition of mess. Come here and run this shithole and I promise you after two weeks you`ll be so morally corrupt you`ll think New Orleans is the prettiest place on earth.

Photo Bahrain Ministry of Foreign Affairs

Future archaeologist will think we where all Chinese

Chinese empire. -Since no one can tell cross eyed or yellow skin from a skeleton I think archaeologists in the future will think we where Chinese by all the stuff they`ll find.

That all our remains was made in one place and shipped around the entire globe is too wild for anybody to even think of.

Photo Archaeologist Ticia Verveer

Putin admits he secretly wanted to hunt down bin Laden and kill him

Vladimir Rambo. -I was ready to invade Afghanistan one more time - just to get his head on a plate. Then I would invited President Obama for dinner and serve him.

Putin tells us that all those bare chested shots of him has been mistaken for photo ups while they where in fact leaks from training camps to kill bin Laden.

He also admits that he could really need the 50 million $ reward, but the Americans wouldn`t have to deal with the whole photo issue says Medvedev because there wouldn`t be anything left to photograph after Putin`s done with him.


Photo maiak.info

Signs up for Libya as a regular soldier

Last man fighting. -With the upcoming election I decided not to do another monkey campaign with a republican playmate. I`m going after Gaddafi instead. I`m spending my last days on the ground fighting for freedom in Libya. I got too much gun powder running through my veins to retire.

-I was born a soldier and I will die a soldier. Few people know this, but I was born on the battlefield. My mother gave birth to me during the civil war and two minutes old my dad gave me my first gun to protect my mom. If you look closely at the declaration of independence you will see my name on it.

-My wife asked me if I`m afraid of Gaddafi and I told her no. I hear he`s crazy, but when it comes to war, I`m crazier.


Photo Barrybar

Donald Trump Celebrity President

Trump House. -It`s the awesomest building to get your name on. Off course I`m running for president. I got Las Vegas down, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles... now I`m doing Washington. If I have to be president to get it, so be it. Murdoch got an American citizenship to do business here, not live here. I don`t see the difference. I look at it as president estate.

-Lissen, other than the birth certificate I was right about everything. It doesn`t matter how good the president is. The power is in the senate. Which is my point. If so, why don`t have me as your leader? You want bullshit, I give you bullshit. Look, you are all fabulous and you can blame me as much as you wish for the birth certificate attack. But, I tell you, you wanted it. You wanted it and you wanted it bad. I gave it too you!

Photo Gage Skidmore

Stoneused jeans

Authentic crap. -We struck a deal with a hypercamp for ADHD kids. They borrow a pair of new jeans on entry and use them there for the duration of the camp. It`s important that they don`t wear them any longer than two week. If they do it`s nothing left of them, says the Lewis manufacturer.

-We could have the people who make them wear them but all the diseases floating around the production plants made us go for the local fast & furious. You don`t want fungus from the pants. This way we actually do some of the ethical bullshit we brag about on our company webpage. It`s unbelievable.

Photo Wootang01

Who to hate now?

Evil shoes to fill. -I already miss hating bin Laden. It`s like the ex-girlfriend I loved to hate. Number two on FBI`s most wanted list, a multisex offender, murderer and animal abuser doesn`t do it for me. I need something eviler. Something more nasty. I need Osama 2, king of the jungle, says lonesome Joe.

-God damit, I spent two hours every day for the last ten years hating this guy. That`s 7.300 hours of pure hatred. He occupied 1/3 of my media time. Thats a big hole to leave in someone`s life. That son of a *@#&%!!

Photo ripkas

Global sunshine

Earthburned. Scientists have long mistaken the sun for heating up the earth, while in fact it is earth who heats up earth. Our planet has central heating. Why else would earth be 7 thousand degrees celsius hot in the centre and only 25 degrees on the crust? If the sun was heating our planet wouldn`t it be the other way? Wouldn`t we be deep fried? To prove the point. We all know the sun is hot on the surface, but it`s seven thousand times hotter inside.

Earth is not a dying star. It`s not a planet who will go to sleep in 7 thousand years. It is a sun who has just begun to shine. Like a car it needs time to get hot. Where a Lamborghini Aventador might need 7 minutes to reach top temperature. Earth might need 7 billion years. The engine is slightly bibber. A 6.5 liter V12 is faster to heat up than a 1260000000000000000000.5 liter  V1.08321×1012 km3 planet cylinder.

Most people don`t know that the sun is not a sun. It`s a spark plug under the space hood who`s job is to ignite earth. Those who have realized have been taken recruited to special mental institutions where they are given thought stimulating drugs nutrition to stimulate further discoveries.

Science must be the only field where good timing is a bad sign.

Photo thebadastronomer

Trump-Out

Will certificate. People obsessed with birth certificates are either old pedophiles afraid of dating too young or young gold diggers afraid of dating too long.

Photo Boss Tweed

Women takes to the streets of Arabia: We can scream too!

Pandora`s box. -Yes they can, confirms an anonymous man WMA speaks too. In fact their very good at it. So good that we need them to win the revolution. We know that there`s no going back after they open the lidd, but continuing like this is no alternative either...

-I saw this woman being interviewed by western media and she did the monkey behavior. It was spot on. As good as any man. The tv-crew was mesmerized. When they turned of the camera she went back to normal and left the rest of us wondering where did that come from? She was a major talent, obviously. Imagine walking around with skills like that and having to keep it it cause your a woman?!

Photo AaronBerkovich

New survey confirms old surveys are shit

Appolling. -We sent out a few old surveys and asked people what they thought and to our surprise they pulled down their pants and shat on them - even in public libraries. I couldn`t believe it. But then I looked at the surveys and I believed it. It was full off shit. The facts was stinking. Like someone had paid us to feed people with crap and then recycle that crap into shit and use it to sell more shit.

Photo liz_com1981

All the President's Hair

The Grey Office. In the sequel to all the Presidents Men Woodward and Bernstein investigates why all president`s hair turn grey. Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman who plays the famous journalists are surprised by what they find out. -It`s all the hard work. As actors we where surprised to learn they weren`t all idiots. Neither did they watch tv all day and complain about the news. How could we know?

 Photo Beverly & Pack

Groseland

Grim journey. -The bin Laden villa will be easer to re-sell than the Fritzl house. There is plenty of goofheads around who`ll put up good cash to live there, says a local real estate agent. People are going to come here from all over the world after all this media publicity.

-I might open a sausage shop and sell pork to the infidels. Just to rub it inn.

Photo pentopad

Pakistan: Ehh ohh ahh ahh

Sympathy with the devil. The entire government has been unavailable for comments about their knowledge of Osama bin Laden`s whereabouts. -Pakistan is closed. We`re renovating the sewer system and not opening until we have cleaned up all the shit. This might take a while, says press secretary at the Pakistan Intelligence.

Produces opinions to the upcoming election

Scrabble bites. -It`s my job, I put words in politicians mouths. I can`t tell you who, my contract doesn`t allow me too, but if you listen closely to what I play, I mean say, you figure it out.

-I find the scrabble quite helpful when it comes to captivating people`s attention. It`s awkward, doesn`t make sense and totally out of context. Which makes it perfect for politics. Who honestly listens to a politician cause it resonates with your understanding of the world, except for the 2008 Obama edition. Who the hell cares about anything else than entertainment? Have you ever stood up from the coach after hearing a politician and said to yourself. He`s right, I have to do something about this. Scrabble works just fine, says Trumps political adviser.

Photo Chris P Jobling

Osama dumped over Titanic

Fish food. -It is one of the deadliest peacetime disaster of all time and the only place suitable we could think of on the top of our heads. I mean, who wants bin Laden buried in their front lawn?

-We didn`t want to risk having his body floating around or being caught by a fishing boat? To make sure he sank properly we took some precautions during his funeral.

-To prepare his body we stuffed him with explosives like a turkey bomber. Then we laid him in tailor made AMG-119 Penguin missile coffin.

-The original plan was to shoot him into a skyscraper. There where talks about blowing him up in space too. Fire him through a planet and blow it to peaces. It kinda got out of hand. We`re not making Jackass 4 here. Fish food is ok with me, says the general for the super force who took him.

Photo mashleymorgan

Charlie Sheen: I took leave of absence from myself

Enemy of the self. -My life was too perfect. I was married to this beautiful woman whom I have two great kids with. I do what I love for a living and I make more money than I`m able to spend. Sooner or later I would f#@k it up right?! There`s no way I could keep this up for long. So I decided to get over with it. I left myself and become a giant dope head for two months. Getting a divorce on my return was not part of the perfect life rescue plan.

Photo justaufo

Donald Trump talks about his German heritage, the plan to take over the world and how he got those magic lips

Heil Hitler. At his speech at the Conservative convention Trump revealed how he will take over the world. -The plan is simple. First get Obama out of the White House. Then I`ll win the election. After that I`ll gear up the war on terror to include everything on earth except the republican party.

After the stunning applaud Trump revealed the secret to his magic monkey butt lips. -People often ask me, "Trump, how did you get those fabulous lips?" -"Botox".

Photo Gage Skidmore

The 72 virgins complain about bin Laden

10000 ft club. The 72 virgins who`s taking Osama bin Laden`s soul to heaven is not happy with their passenger. -I don`t want to do this anymore. I got stuff to do. I have exams coming up. I don`t have time to please this peace of shit. Why would I want to spoils my virginity together with 71 other chicks on a mass murderer? says the virgin.

Photo markhillary

Drives together for individualism

Train of thought. -We all like to feel the wind in our hair when we drive alone out in the countryside. Since we share the same values we like to gather and show our individuality together, says the bikeherd.

Photo | El Caganer

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...