Shocking News: Santa Wants something In Return

X Games. This just in: for the first time in history, Santa wants a cut. He threatens go go on strike unless he gets a 20% stake of every gift he gives away.

In his defence he says, quote "What have you ever done for me?".

And continues: "None of you ever send me a Xmas card, it's all wish lists, it's all about you".

"You never give me anything and when you grow up you have the balls to don't even believe in me anymore".

"You grown ups are the scum of the world. Startings wars and doing everything I told you not to".

Photo Karen Warfel

Putin Urge Sanctioned Athletes To Apply For Asylum In Russia

Thai food. -We are a friendly country who include people of all walks of life, especially winners. If these other countries are so stupid to exclude the best of their own we are happy to take them, says Putin.

-I don't see doping as problematic, their sacrificing everything to win, including their health. Thats dedication and we praise dedication in mother Russia. Besides, life expectancy is 60 here, how bad can doping be compared to our regular food? Grow up.

Photo Kremlin

An Elephant Bribed Mugabe

Animal Fram. The President of Zimbabwe received the sum of 200 million dollars for making private arrangements for Dumbo. Dumbo, who has become filthy rich over the years since his movies went in syndication, is in Africa to make a new movie for Disney and wanted to quote "live life" while he was abroad.

-He wanted to do things that are illegal in the US. Things that I do all the time. He was willing to pay good money. I might be old, but I'm not dumb, says Mugabe.

Disney has decided to digitize the live action movie and release it as a Pixar animation. Dumbo is currently in rehab and unavailable for comment.

Photo Wikipedia

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...