World Class Countries Reinvents Poverty

A long way down. Poverty used to be something that really sucked until it sort of turned fashionable.

-It became hip to run out of money somewhere around when credit cards emerged, says Amanda.

-Before, too much alcohol was the ticket to a lousy life. It was easy. That`s not enough these days, there is so much more to it. It really takes an effort to screw up.

-I`ve spent 6 years trying to f#@k it up. Looking back I ask myself, how have I managed to go through all that?

-I traveled the world for 2 years to run out of cash and when I came back, it took me another 4 good years to loose my apartment and everything that came with it.

-It was too many safety nets. Every time I failed somebody picked me up. It takes forever to hit ground zero and since I aim for the basement... you do the math. I don`t see an end to this...

Photo ewedistrict

Luke Skywalker Was Originally A Movie About A Roofer, Then George Lucas Had One Of His Creative Outburst

Clown Wars. -The roofer idea disappeared in the big picture. Not that I didn`t have space for it in the Star Wars universe, it was too down to earth, says George Lucas in a revealing interview with Vanity Share.

His friend tell he had the same kind of outburst when he bought his first car. He wanted to make it into a death star slash popcorn machine.

-He worked day and night for 2 months to find a way to transfer movie magic to real life before he crashed the whole car. It`s not his style to quit. He destroys stuff.

-Like the time he asked his neighbours to go on vacation cause he wanted to test a new landmine. Landmine? Yes, he wanted to detonate it in their living room and drive through it with a tank to see if it hold. They moved out and he bought the house for half of what he offered the week before.

-Or when his assistant on Star Wars IV told him he could`t call the character, now known as Darth Vader, for Alfred. He went into this crazy creative frenzy and came back with the name Black Vader, king of the computer jungle.

-He has his moments, thats for sure.

Photo  Wikipedia Star Wars

Nature Spent 200 Million Years Developing Humans And Need More Time

Destiny`s child. -We have made a lot of progress since the early days. They where stalky and didn`t function well. A lot of upgrades came over time, but the real quantum leap was 50 million years ago when humans went mobile, says the spokesperson for mother nature.

-The homo sapiens edition could move and communicate to the world around them. It was a huge boost. Later upgrades introduced language and culture to refine and improve the maneuvering skills.

-As with cell phones, lots of different cultural systems emerged around the planet and they could not communicate with each other. This was a huge problem for 50 million years and still is.

-We desperately look forward to introduce the latest global communication program that will help humans understand and interact better. But we need another 100 million years to test the brainware.

-We don`t want to launch faulty humanware on a grand scale. Imagine the damage. We try a selected few every now and then. Steve Jobs... he functioned too well so we had to take him back before he changed too much. The cloud thing is pushing it a little. Einstein was a champion of ours and Marie Curie. Most women are. The men are so few and far between we tend to celebrate everyone of them. Poor men.

Illustration Leonardo da Vinci

Great Work Revealed In Sheltered Workshop

Perfect for squeeze parking.
Dumbmobile. -These retard are freaking geniuses. I`ve never seen artistery on this level. It shocking. People with such low IQ should not deliver quality like this. We shut down the operation at once, says Playmobil.

-We expected toy cars, not fully functional electric cars. My friends in Detroit where blown away. Not only where they more energy efficient than anything on the market, they where elastic?!

An apology letter has been sent to the parents of the disabled with a promise that their talents will never be understood again. -We will under no circumstances mistake them for smart people again and we will do anything in our power to surpress their abilities in the future.

Photo ell brown

Thank You For Not Choosing Us

Starfall. "We appreciate if you find somewhere else to stay", reads the sign from customer service in the entrance at Dubai Hotel.

-It`s only me and Sue Helen from Botswana at work today. She hardly speaks English and we got 6000 guests to cater. It`s a living nightmare. Unless they want to sleep in hell I suggest the outdoors.

The hell concept is a new thing in five star hotels. The guest, usually overblown by money and delusioned by the asslickers around them, are offered to feel like shit. To make it real, the manager fired 99.99% of the staff.

-I put them in the dumpster. That way I din`t have to fire them. They quit by themselves. The humiliation saved me the paperwork and you know... legal rights. Not that they where legal.

-To top off the offer I wake up the guest with a brass orchestra at 4 in the morning following a trip to the zoo. Compliments of the hotel as I like to say, but they understand it`s either that or Bulldog, my 300 pound black gorilla guard will I`ll throw them out the window.

-The higher up they live the more they agree. Except for the suicidals, they don`t care. Neither do we. I call them porch monkeys... or smash monkeys. Depends on how smashed they get. Anything above 80th usually do. And if I hit a few incoming guests... Strike!

-I live for that moment.

Photo   Crazy Diamond

Hairdresser Know Who Shot John F Kennedy

Hairmaster. Wazo should have run for office, but he chose hair. The best do. It`s a huge problem.

-John F Kennedy was very close to become a hairstylist. But he knew that would get him killed. So we went with politics. But you could tell by his silver lining that he had taken the scissors with him to the White House. Sadly, it got the better part of him.

-It was always the hair that got him into trouble. He won the election showing off that smooth silk yellowish blond hair on tv during the debate with Nixon. Everybody think it was the make up. It was the hair.

-And Marilyn Monroe, what a piece of hair. Off course he fell for her. What a haircut.

-Poor boy, he had it coming. He was born Hair F Kennedy. Wisely changed to John F Kennedy... not as obvious. He should have stayed away like the rest of us.

-What makes us so damn good is our ability to cut, cut taxes, military expenses... it`s alway one of the two and we can do both cause we are so used to cutting. There is no budget in hell we can`t trim.

Photo Tony Martin (NT)

Ted And Gary Realize Humans Can Win Tour de France Now

Tour de Fair. -Yeah, now people like us can win. Normal people who doesn`t dope themselves into droids.

-I think Fair Trade should expand into Fair Sport and introduce death penalty if anyone crosses the line. But the race has to move out of France.

-How could they not notice Armstrongs performance was influence by substances? Cause theirs where too.

-Their all a little bit drunk. A little wine here, a little Champagne there. Olala. Do you think the French would behave like they do if they where sober? Do you think they would eat those truffels? Olala.

Photo dhReno

Chinese Don`t Like Being Labelled Yellow

Stick it to the post it note.
You all stick the same. Particularly not by the blacks. -I prefer gook anyday from those niggers. I mean, come on! Their black.

-There`s no black empire rising anywhere. What black country did ever poses a threat to anybody?

-Your talking to the Chinese, bitch. The leader of the imprisoned world, says one of the many million Han`s.

-Whatever, but we do the stacking and we put their exports in the yellow shelves. Weither its movies, litteratur, noodles.. I mean music, it all goes in the yellow section, says Harlem shop keeper and bad boy activist ASAP, -but my friends call me as slow as possible.

-That`s short for nigger. I can say it, you can`t. Otherwise I`ll gook you up.

Photo Dyntr

-I Prefer Land Rover Instead Of My Wheelchair Anytime

Size Matters. -It makes me feel like I have a dick. A big one. A big juicy junglebeast. Muahaha. Which is why I never open the door. I could never deliver. That`s why I take it out on the engine instead. Vroooooom.

-Did you know Formula 1 and Nascar driver are wheelchair users at heart? They prefer wheels.

-There is something about driving over everything that appeals more to us. We don`t have to stay. We just leave all the time. We`re constantly leaving. For some, like us, it`s all about leaving afterwards. Why bother with the blah blah blah when we can leave right away?

-Runners have the same thing, but not as much cause they give up. I fill up.

-Next year I`ll swop my jeep for a Moon Rover and explore not walking in space. What better place to be for a man who can`t walk. Earth is the only place in the universe where walking is useful. Nearly everywhere else it`s useless.

-Who needs to walk on the milky way? The milkman?  Who needs to walk in the black hole? Negros? What good will walking do on the sun? Prevent you from melting?

-No, space travel is all about patience and I got patience written all over my body. I was born a spaceman. I`m an astronaut on earth.

Photo landrovermena

Men In Black Elevator Missing

Stairways to ignorance. Sony Pictures is looking everywhere for the MiB3 elevator that was reported missing 2 days ago.

-I think somebody stole it. Probably at night. Maybe they needed it at home. There is lots of people out there who still don`t have elevator care says conspiracy theorists Krazy.

-It could be a promotional stunt. The movie features time travel, but I don`t understand how that will affect sales now. It`s already on dvd, says Jeff, marketing guy at Disney who is sick of envy.

-I wish I had that franchise. I wish I had every successful movie coming out of my ass. There is so way I could think of them so why not shit them out. I could squeeze out a hit movie every 3 hours.

Johanna at Columbia say they already tried it and that she no longer wish to explain how it went. -It`s one of those ideas that got us carried away. Suddenly we though we had a way to avoid the talent.

-You have to see it from our perspective. The amount of shit we have to put up with from these creatives made the idea attractive to us. We could make box office history with half the crap.

Joel, Johanna`s desktop bitch, miss the feeling he had before he went to the "talent toilet" the first time. -I thought I was going to win an oscar. It was afterwards, when I looked at it, that I realised it was a peace of shit. Sometimes the mind play funny tricks on you.

-Like, when I was in Bangkok and meet the love of my wallet. Or when I went to Greece to run for Crime minister. What was I up too?

Just before this article went to air the elevator was found where it was missing. It turns out it was there the whole time. Nobody noticed it thanks to their smartphones.

Photo jodyfrost

Terrorist Got No Time To Evaluate Mission

Killed by action. -When he died it was over. Everybody could go home safely. He never got to see that part, says terrorist expert and office boy with zero field experience Donald Jerk.

-First thing that happen afterwords was that everybody was geared up at putting things back to the way they where. Then they did that and made sure something like this can never happen again. It was a total failure.

-If he was alive today, if he could see how dead he is and how wrong he was? If he could see what a giant fiasco he was and at what scale he screwed up I think he would have killed himself.

-For some people maybe suicide is a good thing. If everybody who believe in 72 virgins got offered nine thousand for pre-bombing themselves, it could make a difference. When they believe in 72, it should be possible to stretch it to nine thousand.

-Throw in a convertible if they sign up a like minded. The sky is the limit.

Photo Rebecca-Lee

Toni Is Bored With The Gun Debate: -Let`s Discuss Bazooka Control

Farmland security. -I can fire 5 of these babies in a second, but I`m not allowed to use them when I work security at the White House. The Secret Service don`t let me anywhere near that house with my bazooka.

-As opposed to guns, who can`t be used for much else than murder, a bazooka is also a handy tool. If you need to demolish your house. Press one button - demolished. Simple, effective, leaves no trace. Perfect.

-Cops should use bazookas. They would get more respect then. It`s perfect for road patrol. The laser sight can measure speed. If the car cross the limit, bomb it.

Photo digitizedchaos

T.J. Hooker Was Not A Prostitute

Cockbuster. -I know he always wanted to, but the Union blocked it. There was a conflict of interest, says William Shatner, who played the police detective in the hit tv series from the 80s.

 -Other than that I`ve signed an agreement not to talk about the origins of the show. I still get $1500 a week to keep my mouth shut. TJ Hooker was not a prostitute. That`s all there will ever come out of my mouth. I don`t do Q & die.

Photo diamondNikon

Christine Was Anti-Gun Her Whole Life, But That Changed When A Thief Broke Into Her House

-I love my gun.  He`s like my ex-husband. He does all the dirty work and
I`m not telling you the rest. Not even close.
Gun candy. -I swear to God. I believe in the goodness of others, but when that son of a bitch banged on my door, I wished I had a gun to blast off his head.

The thief Christine talks about is not a regular thief, he`s a violent motherf@#ker with 6 armed robberies on his tab and 40 murders plus minus. You really never know who kills who in those shootouts.

-He made so much noise entering the house I though Godzilla was trying to get in. I remember I wished for it to be Sandy. I knew I could deal with a storm breaking my house, but not a human. You see bad blood runs through my family.

-I`m brought up hyper religious to stay out of violence. It`s the only way. Cause people like me kill for fun, when we smell blood heavens gate closes.

-When the thief got in I took my family out the back door and closed all the exits. I took the Van and drove to the nearest gun shop and got the heaviest peace of shit my $2000 credit limit allowed.

-Needless to say the thief never got out of the house. Not alive.

-But it was too late for me to go back living there again. I had trouble enough explaining the judge why I put 6000 bullets in Mr thief`s head. The army was my only option. That or drugs. I choose the first and got the better of the two.

-Two months have gone by and I have killed hundreds in the Jutango desert. None of the other soldiers dare talk to me. We comunicate through radio only. They get me. My family didn`t. They always thought I joked when I said heaven is hell on earth.

Photo laradanielle

Dreamliners Grounded Before They Fall Down

Inspection team entering the jet to see
what`s wrong with the son of a bitch.
Crashlander. -We like to be ahead, says US Federal Aviation Administration`s safety commander Bill Rough. -The plane will always come down. They rarely disappear in the sky. We have jet to see one get lost in space. Even the moon shuttles find their way home.

-We know it`s a battery flaw, but we got to show some power every now and then. I still think a drunken ashole onboard can cause more harm than a lithium battery, but there`s nothing we can do about that. It`s out of our jurisdiction.

-It`s the battery producer who should get their asses kicked, not the assembly company. They only put the peaces together. But that wouldn`t get headlines. The public have to feel we care. It`s better that we take down Boing and let them handle it. Then we can walk away with the glory instead of doing all the hard work.

Photo Kentaro Iemoto@Tokyo

Funeral Agent Not Happy With Drone Killings: They Leave Nothing To Us

Rest in peaces. -Normally the state pay the costs for unwanted people, but there`s nothing left of them. Not even a bone to put in the coffin. What are going to do, cremate air? asks Paul D.

-We can`t put up fantasy tombstones like "Maybe Harold Floyd lies here" or "Let`s pretend Mike Mashunga rests here". Who will buy that? Certainly not the state. We loose big business.

-I miss the old days when hit men left bodies anywhere. You can say whatever you want about the drug war in Mexico, but they pay their respect to the funeral service.

Photo ♔ Georgie R

Oprah Admits She Used Viewing Enhancing Drugs When Armstrong Won Tour de France

Network charges. -I had a glass of red wine, okay a few bottles, the ride is so boring. Nothing happens. The wheels go round and round and round. Wow. What a surprise, says Opie.

-I`m allowed to use it. What is the problem? Lets put the focus back on you Lance. I didn`t use it to make the telecast go by faster, I took it to make it bearable. There is a difference in that.

Photo nayrb7

Few Rockstars Become Rockstars These Days

Zero dark thirsty. To be a real rockstar you have to either be a filmaker or a rap artist or something in between. Rockstar isn`t enough anymore. When was the last time you heard a rockband do anything but oldies?

When you can pretend being a rockstar by playing a stupid game called rockstar, you know the bar isn`t high anymore.

As if you couldn`t sink any lower. You know you hit rock bottom when a diet energy drink found in supermarkets try to cash inn on your status and gives you zero royalties.

 theimpulsivebuy

2 Out Of 3 Gay Men Prefer Homogenizated Milk

Erotic milk. -I had to come up with something to boost sales. Who cares really what gay men prefer? I don`t think their appetite for men affect their taste in drinks... or does it? says advertising agent George Flop.

-It`s one of the great unsolved mysteries of our time. Nobody knows. Until now, I had no idea anybody wanted to know. Maybe I came across a huge unmilked market. That I can suck dry.

-I`m starting to get a hang of this business. I started Friday. I have no idea what I`m doing. When I realised nobody else does either I realised I was on the right track.

-I went to the wrong interview by default. I had no idea I was talking to an advertising agency. So I bullshitted my way through it and by the end I had the job. My ability to talk crap must have impressed them. That or my huge dick.

-I always wear three pair socks in my underpants when I hunt for jobs. When I sit down and my tight pants force up my bulge, female interviewers give me the job there and then 80% of the time. 1 out of 10 males do it too, so it gives me a success rate of nearly 50%, which is pretty darn good. Considering I don`t know shit.

Photo sffoghorn

Helicopter Pilot Wants To Bitch Slap His Neighbour With The Blades

Yellow airmarine. After a fight this morning, the pilot was in no condition to fly, but calling in sick was not an option for Johnny.

-I called 911 and took the ambulance to work. As soon as I was alone in the emergency room I sneaked out and faked my way to the rescue team.

-I want to make a surprise visit at the cocksuckers apartment with the helicopter. Knock, knock! Who`s there? "Here`s Johnny!". Splash splash splash splash.

-Splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash splash... sorry.

-We where looking for a base jumper who is stuck in a mountain, but I lost direction when I thought of how to destroy my neighbour. Planing on how to get rid of someone is not smart while your on a rescue misson. I should have been in the army.

-I would have done so much better. There my mind and body can work together and give me peace at heart.

Photo pdam2

Israel Built 8 Millon Apartments On The West Bank

??? ??? -How did that happen? asks Aqsa from Palestine. -I don`t know, says people around her. Word is 4 million apartments is for Palestinians and 4 for Israelis.

-We got a little help from the Chinese. Their good at building ghost towns, says the West Bank Minister of Israel.

-We smuggled in two hundred thousand workers from the old mighty and built in behind the dust from the building process.

-What are we going to fight for now? asks Aqsa. Who am I if I can`t throw bricks at Israel no more? A pussy? Maybe I should use it for something else.

The reaction back in Israel is 50/50. Half the country want to move in and half wants to bomb it. Why? Cause it`s there. -It`s my god given right to bomb anything I like. When I go on vacation in Europe and see something I don`t like, I blow up a bomb. It`s basic freedom of expression. Whats the big deal? It`s how I talk, says Amir.

-Nobody suspects an Israeli suicide bomber, except I am a survivor bomber.

Who the hell knew.

Photo No Lands Too Foreign

The Cookie Monster Has Mixed Feelings About Internet Cookies

-Me don`t like store cookies, me like eat cookies!
Tracking Street. -Me don`t like, but me like cookies. Me confused. Oh nom nom nom nom nom. Taste weird, says the Cookie Monster.

-Me like tv cookie better. Me eat tv cookie. Om nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

-TV cookies. Om nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

Photo 4nitsirk

Oprah`s Armstrong Interview Will Draw More Viewers Than Super Bowl

Lance running away from some people trying to kill him.
Run, Forrest, Run! The French will watch in anger, the Italians in awe and the rest of the world, USA included, in "are you kidding me?!".

-Whatever the outcome of the interview, I will advice him to never go back to France. He would be safer in an Al-Qaeda training camp wearing a t-shirt saying Fuck bin Laden, says Oprah.

Photo David Ortez

Lana Del Ray Has A Really Horny Voice

-This car is really good for my voice... I mean image.
Deep throat 2. -I think she can swallow the mic. She doesn`t sound like a spitter, but she does, says sound engineer Tom Johnson.

-I have to use protection on the mic to keep her wet lips from drooling on it. It could electrocute her.

-Listening to the music is like enjoying a soft porn movie with your ears. She`s the new benchmark of horny. Pure oral pleasure. And she gives good head. My headphones are steaming hot when I listen to her.

Photo jaguarcarsmena

Joe Likes To Pie On His Buddies Midair

Rain man. -I always jump last and so far nobody has noticed the drops of pie coming down on them from the clear sky. I wonder if they would notice a turtle, asks soldier Joe.

-Actually I think not, but that could get me in serious trouble. I can always talk my way out of a few pie drops, but a cable?

-"I was so scared I shat myself..." thinking off it, I think it might work. Halleluja! I got a new trick underway. Watch out. Coming to you from the bottom of my rectum - drop bombs.

Photo US Army Africa

Looking At The Photo He Realised He Was Not At One With Nature

Could you dress like this without taking drugs?
Circus du Soleil on wheels. -Cycling is not about being one with the elements. Far from it. It`s about conquer land as fast as you can, says professional cyclist Zebra Man.

-I understand now why the price money is so big. Nobody would ever do this if it wasn`t, cause the land is already taken. It`s not like I walk away with France if I win.

-And all the talk about drug use is useless. The question is not whether you need drugs to win, it`s rather could you enter without it?

-Isn`t the way we athletes dress a positive indicator enough. Do we seriously need to be tested when our outfits scream drug use?

Photo Team Traveller

With 313 Million Obese People, USA Still Weight In As A Superpower

Leader of the fat world. The days are gone when USA could outnumber other nations, if they ever could.

But even with 7 billion people, USA still stands strong as the heavyweight champion of the world. Why? Out of the 490 billion kilos of humans on earth, USA still pounds number one on the weight scale.

China needs five to one American, which is to say they have to double their population, if they`ll ever stand a chance, cause Americans are not dieting.

Photo kennethkonica

Shopper Wonder Where All The Groceries Go

Multiple dejavosis. -I did this two days ago, says Reggie. -What happened to it? Where is it? Did they fall down a black hole? Sometimes it feels like the goods disappears before I get to the checkout. What is happening. Is my smartphone eating it at night? Is it that smart?

Photo Editor B

Great Moments In Yellow History

Gookipedia. China has always had a chip on their shoulder since the heydays of the Emperors. But, with their growing power, China feel more comfortable telling their version:

The first human being on the moon was Lu Hanstrong. He was a superspy who grew tired of his job. After successfully killing Kennedy and making CIA believe the Russians where behind it, he felt there where few challenges left on earth. So he developed an interest for the moon.

He undertook serious plastic surgery, reentered USA and infiltrated NASA where he quickly became the top astronaut and got selected for the moon landing. Actually the whole crew where Chinese. Do you think we where going to leave our best man in the hands of Americans? 

We saved a lot of money letting the squinty eyed do all the hard work. It took Hanstrong 1 second on the moon to understand this place it totally uninteresting. But he finished the walk and did the talk not to blow his cover. 

If you wondered why NASA lost contact right before showtime... they never lost it. What could that be? A planet blocking the signal? No, Hanstrong yelled out "This place is shit, it`s total rubbish. It`s nothing here. Absolutely nothing!!!"

After that China decided to end the space infiltration program and concentrate on earth. Through making cheap electronic goods and fooling the greatest companies to come make their brand products here and sel them back at home, we now monitor the entire world. Every kitchen, every room, every place you find electronic products made in China - we`re listening. 

Celebrity Went On Tour To Promote Her Book And Told The Entire Story

-Leave no surprises. They might go unnoticed by chance. Remember, you
have to read a book twice to get it. Nobody will read this twice. I`m not
 Shakespeare, I`m a tv star. So get on with it and do the first for them.
Ghost audience. The expected pageturner become a pagestopper before readers has finished the book.

-Sales opened huge. We hit the New York Times Bestseller list after only two hours and by the time we did Nebraska sales dropped with 200%. Which is impossible, says known celebrity.

-When I fail, I prefer to fail big, so my publisher adjusted the number to help sales with some headlines, but people had already heard the tale. Sales went down another 100% which is also impossibly. I take it as a statement. They got it now.

-I think people started to get it when I came to Chicago. Only 2 people came to hear me. Out of 11 million. The message got through. It`s a proof social media works, cause none of the established media was interested, yet through facey, tveeter and youtoo, they got it. If not they would have been there. All 11 million.

Photo Robert Scoble

Man Caught Bird Flu After Shaving His Ass

People who get the bird flu is known for taking a dump
like birds. They puul down their pants and shit wherever
 they are - just like birds.
Animalistic. If shaving his ass had something to do with it is still unknown, but he was, according to passers by, shaving his butt while he feed the ducks.

-Weird combo, but not outstanding in this area, says Linda, a housekeeper in Soho London.

-Yesterday we had a guy jumping up and down for 6 hours while screaming "Ready for lift off". Then he simulated the moon landing and finished off with the moonwalk.

Photo fotologic

Rent A Muslim, A New Initiative To Calm Down Europeans

Do you want bombs with that? -You can hire Islamo for an hour or half a day or up to a week if you really want to find out what Islam is all about. They`ll tell you anything, show you everything and even make you laugh to calm your nerves. For 50 Euro a day, it`s cheaper than cars. And you don`t need insurance. Save you half the money right there, screams customer service.

-The people who worry about insurance is the onces who end up never renting. Their too set in their world view. Not open to anything new as explosions... hah hah hah, thats one of our jokes. I`m testing you. BANG!!!! He he. KABOOM!!! Boy this is fun. I should be a comedian.

-We take cash only, no I`m kidding, we take your daughter. HA HA HA! Off course we leave her, she could be a witness, we take appliances only. HA HA HA.

Photo Moyan_Brenn

Weed Smokers Prefer Not To Be Associated With Justin Bieber

No space for Justin Bieber.
Justin Weeder. -We understand him and totally agree with his choice of relaxation, but when it comes to having a public figure representing our shit, we prefer a poster man, not a poster boy. He`s too cute. Weed is for the not so cute, says Weed America in a toxic statement.

 mikecogh

New Adult On The Block

Toy boy. Making his way into your living room through television or to your bedroom via internet. Jimmy Kimmel is the new half old face of American late night tv.

In a time when people don`t have to go to bed at 11.35  - cause there`s no job waiting the next morning, Jimmy steps in as the nanny master for a whole generation of delusional fuckups.

Ask not how you can fuck up your country, but how your country can fuck you up. Wise words from George F Kennedy. The son of former one term idiot Alfred Hugecock.

Photo globochem3x1minus1

Apple Doesn`t Have The Heart To Tell Their Customers: Sorry Guys, But Most Of You Aren`t Geniuses

Captain Cook.
Bad data. -From watching the stuff they upload in the cloud... It`s pretty shit, says Apple Boss Tim Cook.

-I`m glad Steve Jobs never got to see this. It would have killed his heart. Seriously, it`s really depressing to see the amount of garbage. I mean, we spent trillions developing these clouds and it`s already full of bad writing, ugly photos, stupid videos...

-Thank god it`s the employees who push our company forward - it`s certainly not the users.

Photo igrec

Kid To Enter Random NRA Clubhouse And Kill Everybody

Adult control. -Why should we always be the target? says little Ben. -Maybe we should stop crying and realize mommy and daddy won`t be there if a gunman enters the schoolyard.

-It`s time we stand up for ourself instead of hiring another armed adult to protect us. It`s always adults who shoot. A child would never start a war. The solution is to get rid of adults.

Photo Paul Keller

The First Black Man In Europe

The horse man
Cocksucker. -He didn`t make babies, he made cities, tells Professor in Secret History at The University of Edinburgh Kate Deep. -He founded the Roman Empire with his dick and you can see his traces in todays Italians, French, Greeks and Spaniards. They carry on his blackness in their skin and hair.

-Apparently he could fertilize women on 50 meters distance. There is no photos to prove this, plenty of paintings, but no photos. However, if you take the number of children he left and divide it with the number of years he lived you soon realize he had a machine gun in his pants.

-But that didn`t stop him from firing blanks in the dark. History has it he glazed the moon. Thanks to him we know it as white.

-Which brings up an important question. Who was first? Was it the spacemen from Nasa or the seamen from Africa?

-He made his living working as a pole. Both for flags and dancers. He still holds the world record in pole vaulting. The Roman army got the idea for the catapult from watching him practice. It`s also where the idea of the rifle came from.

-Lots of inventions came from watching this man, Kama Sutra, rope, steel... when the French finally got hold of something that lasts, off course they had to make the Eiffel Tower.

... ropes, nunchakus, bridges, trains, airplanes, cranes, deep sea drilling... The guy initially kickstarted western civilisation. He could shag in orbit. By comparison Africa`s birthrate dropped by 8 millions the week he left. It`s true what they say, one penis can really make a difference.

-Which is why we keep it a secret. Imagine what it would do to white Europeans self image if they got to know their culture is the heritage of a black penis?

Photo NateBW

Cardiac Surgeon Reveal Angry Patient Was Not Good At Heart

Eye of the tiger. -His heart was black as the devil. I`ve never been so close to satan. I could feel the cold as we opened his chest. The hole operation room got cold. We had to turn on the heaters and we`re in Hawai!

-Sometimes, when I operate cold hearted bastards, I wish for an excuse to abandon. Earthquake, war or the strength to fake a power shut down.

Photo Spirit-Fire

Where Other People Try To Avoid Pissing, Pete Takes A Dump

Male resistant. Nobody knows where he got it from, but Pete thinks it`s the only way to find out if a relationship can really hold. -If she puts up with that, she puts up with anything. I know I can trust her. Now, what she is going to do to test my trustabilities is beyond my understanding, but I know I will fail.

-I`m a man, I will fail at this marriage. I am programmed from mother nature to fuck up. I will shag other women, screw up at work, blow my responsibilities, crash the car, burn down the house twice and get into trouble with the Police at least 5 times. Thats my manhood talking.

-The remaining 99% I will do fine. I`ll be a good dad, I`ll forget myself and dream your dream. I`ll stop being me. No more farting at the table or falling asleep in the driveway. No more sleepless nights infront of the computer watching porn or dicking around at the strip. Just you and me. Forever. 99% of the time.

Photo Joe Shlabotnik

Oligarch Park Wherever He Wants Cause He Is So F#@king Important

-Some don`t understand I`m the king. Like the local police in Monaco.
They didn`t believe me until I paid a huge sum of cash to prove that I have
a huge sum of cash. 
V.I.P. BI.T.C.H. -I feel that it is important for them to know the King has arrived. Pedestrians like to know whos parking infront of other cars. They feel comfort in knowing it`s me. And I deliver that to them cause I`m a giver.

-I got 15 thousand people holding up parking spaces for me around the world in case I need to make an entrance. The Streets of LA, NY, Rio, Paris, Dubai, Hong Kong, Beijing, London, Cape Town... are not crowded 24/7. I might turn up when there is free parking and I can`t have that, says Oli, short for Oil of Oluck.

-In case of an emergency I got a helicopter ready do bungee drop me off. And a stunt man to do me, while I take public transport. That is every Oligarchs nightmare... be seen in public transport. If that happens you jump infront of a train, buss, airplane to reclame your honor. "He died for his reputation", it`s the highest honor a russian can get. He fucked everybody, included himself.

Photo CarSpotter

Gay Guy Likes To "Hang Out" In The Gym

Average Gay. Tony Blark admits he doesn`t train much in the gym. -I spend most of my time looking at other men so there is not much room to focus on that. But I have to do the minimum to get away with it. It`s not like the beach where I can walk around in sunglasses and do jack shit.

-Guys looks at girls and girls looks at guys and girls, some look in the mirror, others on tv, I watch men - big deal. Life`s a freak show. Deal with it.

Photo Kevin @ LoneStarBreed

When Electric Cars Take Over, Shell Will Rent Out Penis Pumps

Boner fide. -Well, the car was a penis extension to begin with. So we cut to the bone and offer the genuin deal. Pump up your penis. Choose from Premium to Super. Believe me, you`ll never need an electric car with a train in your pants. Men don`t size down. Unless your thinking of a plane I suggest you shut it, says Head of Steel at Shell sales dep Harry Hard.

Photo zombieite

Gunter Can`t Afford To Visit His Mom At The Hospital Cause The Parking Is Too Expensive

Paymobile. -I thought they stopped treating people like this after they left Saxenhausen, says Gunter who grew up outside, but close enough to make that claim, abroad, if you forget he wasn`t born until after WW2. The Devil Parking Company, former Hitler`s Friends, makes no excuse for fucking up peoples lifes.

-It`s one of the few professions left in the free world where I can legally be an ashole. I was too much into the Hitler shit as a kid to do anything else. I tried prison guard but boy did they kick me out of there, says Naziart Goebbels.

-We particularly specialise in parking spaces where people are desperate enough to pay insane prices: hospitals, airports, city centres, anywhere overcrowded basically.

-The last few years we have invested heavily in video surveillance, not to catch unpayers, but to get the desperate moments on camera. We make a best of video this years that we shoed at the X-mas party. Oh my god. Better than Americas Home Video. It was natural Jackass. Pure organic comedy... brilliant... if your into lederhosen.

Photo David Shankbone

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...