America`s funniest cell phone videos

D`oh! With over 300 million cameramen this is the biggest tv production ever. And when you have 360 million monkeys on audition around the clock 24/7 something funny is bound to happen. Statistically it will go down in history as the funniest show ever made.

Photo peruisay

First case of pork flu

Porkdemic. Why am I not surprised. Have you seen the food these people eat? Egg, bacon beans & muffin and thats just the breakfast. It`s a miracle England hasn`t been conquered by bacterias before.

  Foto Eneas

Paranoid CIA agents thought the carpet would fly off

Walkie-talkie. -Just thinking off it gives me the munchies. We had too many smoke grenades. Luckily they had those yellow lines on the carpet to guide us, cause I had no ideas where we where going with this. I had enough trouble as it was putting one foot in front of the other. If it hadn`t been for all those years with meaningless marching I could newer pulled it off.

-If the press knew how close I was to issue a rug bombing, I would be in deep shit. Thank god it was April Fool`s Day.

Foto Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Al Qaeda claims credit for the riots in Egypt and Libya

Statushunters. -But aren`t you a woman? -There`s no such thing as wrong sex. There`s bad sex, great sex, boring sex, repetitious sex, illegal sex... sex is newer wrong, it`s usually right.

You mean like right now? -Yeah. Well, if it`s the right thing... Do you mind if I let the tape recorder run and take some photos? -Not at all. Thank god, otherwise my boss would get very angry. Going through all this to get a interview and don`t get any. -I know what your saying, we women go through this all the time.

Foto zigwamp

Great moments in history 2

Putin: What the hell is wrong with this guy?


Gaddafi was the only man who could make Berlusconi look like a little girl

The beauty and the beast. You`ll newer get that kind a power Berlusconi. Italy just isn`t the place for it. Besides, now it`s too late anyway.

Photo daveeza

Great moments in history

Gaddafi falling asleep at the UN

Photo Jesse B. Awalt

Sticking it to the man

Cool Arabia. Probably more famous for his bad ass Dolce & Gaddafi sunglasses than anything. On seeing his eyes up close, good choice. We`ll miss the sunglasses...


United States of Persia

Out of tune. Songwriter Abdullah Ali has difficulties translating Leonard Cohen famous lyrics into Arabic. -First off all, the Arabic revolution is more complicated than the cold war. I can`t make it first we take Egypt, then we take Iran. What about Libya? Then there`s Saudi Arabia, the mess in Iraq, Afghanistan, Morocco. It`s impossible getting it all down to one stanza. I need a f*#king opera.

Photo xploitme

Ran out of reality show ideas

All tv is a stage. -Actually, we ran out of new ideas years ago, but thanks to our short collective memory we`ve been able to run some of the concept for 10 years, says reality producer George Fiction. Frankly, I don`t think anyone would notice if we had the same "cast" each year. For American Idol 11 we`re filming a toilet this year to see if anybody notice a difference.

Photo o5com

One Thousand and One Ways To Overthrow A Dictator

Democrazy. The popular collection of war tales from the Middle East is number one at the Teheran Times Best-Seller List. It tells the story of the great people who is shocked to discover that their leaders are unfaithful. When they later discover that the whole establishment is f@#ked they have them executed and in their furious anger decide that all leaders are the same.

Photo David Ooms

Breakfast face cause trouble in diners

Facial crisis. It the only time a day where you are unstable enough to acctually punch someone in the face who tries to take your photo, smash their cell phone and be okay with it.

-It`s a growing problem, says Police investigator Herbert in the Canadian face recognition unit. -Some get their faces so rearranged we can`t recognize them in our computer systems. We have registrered a growing number

of hard core thugs seeking these diners. If you encounter any of these, our advice is, go for it. Give them the full facial experience. It might be the last time we ever get to punish these criminals. So if not for your own pleasure, then do it for your country.

Photo lejoe

Original Safari

Living dead. When your in the middle of South-Africa and a lion is sitting next to you, thats when you realize you got out on the wrong side of bed.

-I was going on a trip back to the motherland to see how my ansestors where living. After about 50 seconds I turned on my Ipod and said f@#k this. I don`t understand why "African Americans" get so turned on by their roots. It`s like a afrodisiac to them. Hey, it`s boring. I want Shakira, Beyonce, not ogu bugo bom bom. It`s bullshit. Let it go. Life goes on. Gotta adjust to the times. We`re Americans now.

Photo  Robbert van der Steeg

Scientists researched connections between income tax and sperm quality

Taxman. -We found that men with a high level of income tax  had worse sperm than those with low taxes. Not surprisingly taxpayer zero`s have the most potent sperm. It`s actually so good that a woman working in the lab got pregnant just looking at it. Luckily she meet the donor at a social gathering after the test, otherwise the pregnancy might have been a  bit difficult to explain. I know it sounds weird, but she claims she newer broke the company policy. We got cameras here and everything. Strangely the recordings from that excact evening is deleted... Anyway, it`s gonna be a rich kid. They could see the diamond rings on the ultra sound, says the scientist.

Photo  boellstiftung

Economic selection

Shake that wallet. Get rich or die trying. It might sound different, but it isn`t really. It`s just the clothes of the time. Natural selection has never been natural with the human race, says human researcher John Smarty from Evolution Institute.   Photo Sandy Chase

The twitter bird spotted in San Francisco Bay Area

Twitterbytes. -This is the real twitter bird, the actual bird that sparked the idea to make twitter and do you know why? Cause it never shuts up! says bird watcher and resident in the San Francisco Bay Area. -It`s been outside my window for weeks now and I`m going mad. I`m telling it it`s okay now. I`ve seen you, please fly away. But it`s so desperate for attention it has forgotten how to fly.

I`ve called the cops but they go "Do you think we`re gonna go there for a bird?" "You don`t know what bird it is. It`s the mother of all birds. I`ts the..." "If you don`t stop calling 911 we`re gonna send a car over, but it want be to pick up the bird, okay". "Mothe@*#".

Photo biggertree 

Tired of being someone`s dog

Doggy style. -I want my own house, says Max Dogfeld. I`m tired of public toilets. It`s not that I dislike humans, it`s just that it never goes anywhere. They never evolve. Walking, cuddling and eating seems like the only thing they know. I wanna do grown up stuff. Run around town late at night. Come home early in the morning looking like shit... You know, dog stuff. Not that puppy crap. I`mean,.. it`s better than being treated like a pussy, but come on. Give me a break here.

Photo  julesagogo

Internet investigated for the murder on Blockbuster

Starved to death. -It`s one of the ugliest cases we`ve had. From what we know the victim had been suffering a very long time before it collapsed and ended up hospital. The damages where so big the doctors couldn`t do much. The autopsy report shows signs of financial strangling , stock value rape and high cash pressure. They`ve just been totally dominated by whoever did this. They never stood a chance at survival.

Photo {Guerrilla Futures | Jason Tester}

Uma Thurman has been assigned to kill internet

Internet kill bitch. -She seems like the perfect woman. Watching her movies convinced us she can actually pull this off, says head of paranoia at Central Internet Agency. We`re also considering sending her into Afghanistan to finnish the job, but we`re keeping her back incase Julian Assange slips free of the American-Swedish rape accusations.

Photo david_shankbone

I changed my mind

Too cool for school. -I should have gone into rap music. This just ain`t my cup of tea. I`m from the hood man, reveals Obama in an interview with Vibe magazine. These cats have no rhythm. Washington is like argghhhhh. You know what I`m saying?!  I should have a Grammy, not Nobels Peace prize.

-I believed we could change, we can`t, so to hell with it. I`m gonna focus on myself from now on and you guys do whatever you want. I`m outta here.

Photo Muhammad

TOD: Ideas worth burying

Appalling talks by horrible people. Hosni Mubarak is holding a 18 hour lecture at the TOD convention. The speech will buried in a graveyard close by and will not be available to the public. Saddams Hussein`s fourth double goes on after Hosni and will be followed by George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden. That speech will be destroyed by the military and not made available even to the graveyard.

Photo World Economic Forum

Valentine`s Card

Love now pay later. Visa is rubbing their hand in extacy over all the lovers who chose to express their affection with a plastic card. -We love it, says the people at Visa. -It`s so romantic. Believe me. I`ve worked in banking for 40 years and nothing works better than cash. Flowers, confectionery and paper cards are all sweet and nice but doesn`t get the job done, it`s the gravy. You need hard cash and lots of it. The more, the better your odds.

Photo killrbeez

Middle East leaders poop in their thawbs

Dictator flu. Twitter messages from close staff and servants confirm that the leaders drop poop a lot around the palaces. -Their like horses these days. All we do is run around and pick up their shit. And their so nervous they don`t even notice, says one staff member. Another points out how this so clearly illustrate why they should change into democracy and start wearing pants.

Photo i-medya

Kim Kardashian fake tape

Sexulum Vitae. Forget education if you want to get ahead in life. A CV will not get you any further than McDonald`s these days. Get a sex tape instead and the next day you`ll have your own fragrance.

Photo Kalumba2009

Too many historic moments

Nobody cares. -We are in danger of overdocumenting life on a scale that inhabits us living our lives, says History Executive Officer at Musée du Louvre. -We don`t have the space. Something has to go. We can`t keep pretend we`ll remember everything.

Photo Benh Lieu Song

Lies of the world

Bonzo journalism. The newspaper has developed such a narrow world view it makes headlines about itself. Douglas Adams was wrong, it`s not a restaurant at the end of the universe, it`s a newspaper.

Photo Annie Mole

President Mubarak walks away like an Egyptian

Standing on the shoulders of Mummies. Following in the footsteps of his historic predecessors, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak walks away with the same ignorant attitude as the Pharaoh`s before him: "What? Me? No no no. It was ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Photo RamyRaoof

Silvio Berlusconi`s biopic turned into a crazy comedy

Spaghetti western. -Bush got a movie when he was still in office so I thought it would be cool to do the same with Berlusconi while he is still in the horehouse, says the director. -We tried our best making it serious. We got the best writers, the best actors, the best everything. Nobody managed to take it serious. It was too off the wall. Not even our greatest comedy minds could come up with this story. Anthony Hopkins plays Berlusconi and after every take he went "are you serious?" and I said "Yes, it`s that bad, please do it again and try not to laugh".

Photo scriptingnews

Wikileaks reveals Google’s ranking algorithms

??? Companies around the world are spending billions to find out how it works, but nobody understands it. Not even Pentagon can figure it out how to manipulate it.The algorithm is simple. It`s quality plus integrity divided by relevance. It`s like Einstein`s E=mc2. Looks simple, but nobody gets it, especially quality and integrity.

Photo BrentDPayne

Selling Alaska to USA for 7 million $ is paying off

The Alaska Payback. -We don`t have to deal with Sarah Palin, says Prime Minister of Russia Vladimir Putin. It`s the greatest sale we ever did. She`s doing more damage to the US from within than any of our sleeping agents could ever to. It just fantastic to watch it on tv. She makes headlines every day! And for the price of 7 million dollars. It`s a bargain. She`s priceless.

Photo  World Economic Forum

Super Bowling XLV

Strike! Despite not working, loosing their homes, wifes and kids, the Dallas Jobless pulled off an amazing game. It has made them better players. Like it fueled them or something. -Well, if they had jobs I`m sure they would rather be at home watching the game on tv than playing it, says the coach. But these freaks of nature could never get jobs, least keep them. It`s like a zoo here God dammit.

Photo Myrone Delacruz

Horndogs in the military

Love war. The problem is that they get so worked up they forget their in a war. They might suddenly fcuk during combat. You never know and you never know who`s their next target. Their so horny they`ll fcuk anything - even the enemy. Now that`s serving your country.

Photo US Army Africa

Individual me

You are the one. Not the one, but one of them. The 7 billions and counting... Doesn`t make you feel so f@#king special does it - unless you got a mac.

Photo Vironevaeh 

The Black Bitch

Pretty ugly. Poster poster on the wall, who is the worst of them all? It`s Natalie Portman. She turned evil.

Photo allaboutgeorge

Mystery shopper found dead

Until shopping do us apart. The police is faced with a difficult investigation since they have no clue who he is. -He worked for a secret shopping agency and was here a on a mission to unravel a huge international shopping syndicate, but that`s where it ends... says the Police investigator. Customers speculate whether it`s a competing brand who`s behind the murder. We might never know...

Photo scillystuff 

Announces diagnose competition

Medical times. The pharmaceutical industry arranges an open disease competition. The winner will be rewarded by getting the illness named after her plus 10 million dollars in a foreign bank account. The jury emphasize suggestions who are spotted early on, preferably before the age of 3. Who are incurable, but able to improve with life long supply of expensive medical treatment.

The sickness must also be serious enough to justify medical attention, but not so serious that the diagnosed can`t work and looses the ability to pay for the treatment.

Photo zoetnet

ADHD brakes out in Egypt

Mass AD/HD. If this happened in a democracy everybody would be diagnosed and put on medication. Wait, everyone in democracies are diagnosed and medicated.

Photo غفّاري

Lost millions on outside trading

Stack market.  -We got outside info about the company we bought from this guy drinking in the park. He had no idea what he was talking about and we took his word for it. I mean, how could he? He`d never worked there.

Photo jenschapter3