Australian Forrest Fire: Relax, It's Just Aboriginals Boiling Water

-They where never good tea drinkers, don't make such a big thing out of it, sooner or later they'll go tired of all the fires and switch to iced tea, says Aron Dumbster from Melbourne.

-What? Am I a racist for saying that? Thats not racist, it's two very different cultures trying to emerge. If the Brits wasn't drinking afternoon tea everyday, we might have had to deal with these fires maybe once a year, like the peace pipe fires, not everyday!

Photo Fir0002/Flagstaffotos

In the Midst of the Forrest Fire, John Completely Lost It

-Nobody can tell, atleast thats what I thought, if I'd only waited another minute... It was kinda seen as waisting resources, the fire was a little bit too far away. More like 200 meters to be exact. Lots of people got their clothes ruined, says John who doesn't really regret the incident.

-It was too cool, it was my 15 minute of fame, with the trial and all I think we're talking being on the nation's lips for weeks. I got more out of this than I could ever imagine.

John, who is waiting to serve 10 years in a maximum stupidity prison, says that with the book deals and tv-series contract he'll walk out of prison a rich man. -I would never made that much money if I'd stayed in the job. Now I can sit on my ass and watch myself portrayed on tv.

 -I hope they get to do 10 season, if they do, we can meet in the final episode out in reality. How about that?!

Photo skeeze

Uses Global Warming to Boil Water

-We figured out, lets try using global warming for something positive, for a change, we all know the negative sides, but is there any positive ways we can use this? Yes!, making tea! says Nadia in Beirut.

-I don' think I will see this mug of water reach the boiling point in my lifetime, but maybe my grandchildren can benefit from what my friend and I started here at the beach.

-It makes sence that hot girls solves global warming, after all, we have dealt with this issue a long time already, first we where hot girls, then we where hot babes, then hot chicks, then hot moms, we have all the experience the world has to offer concerning heat issues.

Photo Julita 

Yui Buy All Her Presents Online and Sends It to the Wrong Addresses

-I send my parents presents to my brother and my sisters to my aunt and on Xmas eve I call them up and go "that too bad, it must have been mixed up, I'm so sorry you get all this extra work now..." Ha ha ha!

-I only do it with heavy stuff and with short dated food. My upbringing wasn't the best, I was a horrible child, my parents did their best, but there was nothing they could do. I was a total psycho and I'm continuing this behaviour in my adult years. As most my age do.

-It's all about me you see, all the time! It's not about giving, it's about how you give it! You old guys don't get that. Ultimately, the present is for me.

Photo Masashi Wakui

Santa In Negotiations To Make an Action Movie

The bidding war among the studio, in what is seen as the opportunity of the century, is nothing compared to the rather complicated demands of Santa and his team. And then there is scheduling...

Santa, who according to trade gossip is rather keen on shaking off his old fashioned image as a do godder for all kinds of shit, as he puts it. He wants back the respect he once had and sees making an action movie i Hollywood as an oportunity to get just that.

-In this film the kids die, nobody gets shit. I play a villian who is a mix of Rambo and the Joker. I want kids to fear me, I want them to believe I can make hell on earth if they behave badly, says Santa and points out:

-I'ts not enough to reward good behavior with presents these days. I have to punish bad behavoir too. I might have to kill their parent.

-From now on the kids has to prove their good, if not, I'll slaughter their parents, their pets, neigbours, friends... anything that moves.

Photo 12019

The British Empire: It's All Water Under the Bridge

Brexit is coming, Great Britain is leaving the Union, but even if they like it or not, they're still in Europe, they're not going anywhere...

Photo liushuquan

5G Makes It Impossible Taking Secrets To The Grave

-We are going to save so much space, imagine all the secrets who don't need room any longer. We've had people with so many secrets they could fill up an entire graveyard themselves, says gravedigger Johnny Dark.

-Finally the people who bury the Intelligence Community can get some rest before they pass over themselves.

Photo Gábor Bejó  

Even Mormons Believe 72 Virgins Is Too Much

The masters of polygrami question what good these men are for these women. -They are certainly not much of use dead, says Moron Mormonson.

-The whole thing is pretty lame, have they even though about condoms? With so much screwing around and no protection, paradise gotta be full of diseases by now, I mean, can you even get to heaven and not get AIDS these days?

-And for as long as Islam has existed, has anyone bothered to ask the women what they think? Is consent even a word in Arabic? It's time Arabic women demand 72 young stallions when they please. Women has to stand up for themselves, cause men are not doing it. I'm certainly not.

Photo wnk1029

London Bridge Attacker Denied Access to Paradise

-Right now Usman Khan is boiling in hell. When he is fully cooked, Satan will fry him in a nuclear reactor for 5 million years. What happens after that is not possible for humans to imagine, but I can assure you it's bad, it's very bad says Hell's spokesperson Satan junior.

Photo Johannes Plenio

Greta Thunberg Got a Boyfriend, Drops the Climate Stuff

Greta Thunberg and her new boyfriend Sebastian, a dj from Skåne, are planing to escape to the Amazonas jungle. Sebastian, who allegedly don't believe in climate change, has agreed to participate in the wild teenage fantasy.

-Running away has always been a dream of mine, ever since I was a little girl. Since I get the opportunity already as a medium girl, thanks to all this, I'm gonna take it. Why wait when I don't have to? says Greta to a journalist 5 times older than her.

Photo European Parlament

The Rich Celebrate White Friday on Black Friday

-We celebrate that we don't need to buy cheap inexpensive goods. We can buy whatever we want, whenever we want. No questions asked, says Richie Godman.

-Everyday is Black Friday to us, so White Friday, thats the one day we get together at the riviera and laugh at all the other people who got a tiny little window to shop what they desperatly need.

Black Friday is a selfhelp day for the poor masses, it's how we avoid giving aid. Without Black Friday I would have to share my wealth with these people and there's no way I'm doing that. Thats why we arrange Black Friday. Let the poor do the work themselves... ha ha!

Photo Hans

Most Joked About In History

Acording to NSA 400 trillion Trump jokes have been told since he entered the world stage. Thats a staggering 172 million jokes a second and a world record. More people laugh at him than Chaplin.

-It will probably never be beaten, says NSA analysts Francisca Hiding. The whole world is laughing at him. It doesn't happen that often. And never for that long.

People have laughed non stop at this guy for 4 years now. No moviestar in history has shown staying power like that. It's ridiculous.

Photo The White House

Climate Change Deniers Want Age Limit in the UN Building

-We don't want to be told how to live our life by teenangers, especially not retarded onces, says George Coolio in the comment section on haters online.

-Thee's enough dummies among the adults.

Photo Praytino 

Boris Johnson to Wrestle Donald Trump in the White House

"You'd better be there". "I live there, bonzo".

As negotiations fell through between the two nations, Boris Johnson and Donald Trump decided to lay it all on the floor and wrestle for it. Whoever wins gets it all.

Mudwrestling and boxing where also considered along with cagefighting and Muay Thai, but since both men are best at showmanship, wrestling felt like the natural choice.

If Boris loose USA gets UK back and if Donald loose, UK gets France. The match will take place Sunday, September 5th, 2020.

Photo The White House

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. It took the Nazis 5 years to kill 6 million jews.

Ali Baba junior says he got the enlightenment when he looked into a beer glass.

-It was Trump beer. The guy is too busy making money, he would't kill potential consumers, no matter how much he hates them. although I would like to see a settlement of humans on Mars, just as a precaution, you never know with this guy.

Photo by WikiLmages

Earth Melts Ice To Cool Down

In the latest interview with Paranoid Times, earth says it's just putting a few ice cubes in the drinks, who will be served to intergalactic monsters, so please do no worry about global warming, enjoy the time you have left before you are eaten by the biggest monsters in space.

Photo by Taken from Pixabay

Mysteriously Few Grey Haired Leaders In China

What is it with Chinese leaders, they look so perfect. It's like their all hair models.

Where did the West go wrong? Was pollution a good thing? Did it make the Chinese strong? Or is it colouring their hair? Keeping it smooth and strong?

When you compare with American leaders, they turn either grey, white or bold. It's why it's called the White House, by the time your done, you've aged...

The White House could have been named the Grey House or the Bold House, but not the Black House, turning black doesn't provide the same privileges in America as in China.

Photo Voice Of America

Mexico, First Country To Declare Trump Terrorist

Finally, what we have all been waiting for, it's official, The White House is taken over by terrorists. The rest of the world is expected to follow suit as Mexico takes the first bold step to put Trump on their terrorist watch list.

-We will keep a close eye on his movements and keep the world informed on his whereabouts. We have disconnected the red button in his office and changed the codes to the nuclear arsenal as a first line of disaster defence.

-The whole world knows he's up to no good. He's a small match for a United World. There's no need to worry, Mexico is on it, says military general Haseen Itall.

Photo Agustín Barrios 

Trump Is African-American, His Lips Gives Him Away

-He is, confirms lead singer of Rolling Stones and world lip authority Mick Jagger. -I've never seen a white man with lips like that, so he definitely originates from Africa.

Too bad he inherited the big lips, if I where to choose one big thing from my African ancestors it wouldn't be the lips.

Isn't it typical for men who weren't lucky in that department to be big mouthed?! I know all about it. I got a big mouth, but I'm not big mouthed, I don't need to, there's the difference...

Photo Haberlernet Net

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame Offered To Ring The Opening Bell At Wall Street

Quasimodo has also got an offer to ring the bell at WWF and is deeply moved by the outstanding offers while Notre-Dame is rebuilt.

-I thought I was a monster and that nobody wanted to see me, now I get the most spectacular ring jobs in the business. What happened?

-I hear there's even a book written about me and that it's quite famous and has been for, like, 150 years... I had no idea.

Photo Wikipedia Wall Street

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame Out Of Work

-This is the first time since the 15th century I haven't had a job, I'm not sure how the job market will react to my skillset, so much has changed in the last 600 years, you all got those digital things nowadays.., says Quasimodo.

-It looks like I'll have to hit the doll for a few years until they build it up.

Photo LeLaisserPasserA38

Easter Bunny Killed By Landmine

-It was not a pretty sight, says witnesses who saw the bunny explode. -He seemed so happy, then kaboom! At least he went out with a bang!

Parents WMA has talked with say that however bad it looks, their kids kinda expected something like this would happen, so their not worried about telling them. Their gonna ask, did you film it?

Photo Dennis Larsen

Fixed 737 Max 8 With Duck Tape

-I always keep a roll handy, I fly like a manic, so I always need to fix something in air. Sometimes I use it on passengers to, if I see someone is getting airsick I tape their mouth.

-I even taped a guys ass once, he was farting like a pig..., says Captain Soon Tobefired-Bigtime.

Photo StockSnap

ISIS Warrior Has To Go Back To Being A Looser

He was promised a leadership job in the Islamic state with competitive salary. He was looking forward to finally earning millions of dollars.

He only made a few lousy bucks washing floors in a hopping centre that was about to be closed, but he could continue the American dream in the caliphate and work his way up, until it collapsed and made him a no paid prison toilet cleaner.

Photo Beacon of Hope 

The Leader of 0.02% of the Human Population Wants Us To Believe He Can Kill Anybody On Earth With His Rockets

Anyone, anytime, with the touch of a button, thats his salespitch to the world, and to back it up he's made slick Hollywood animation videos where computer animated submarines send animated rockets  into the sky.

Accompanied by a narrator who tells us they can reach the whole world within hours.

Wow, what a bunch of crap.

Photo Dimitro Sevastopol

China Buys Europe

Tired of humans rights and copyrights laws, the Asian giant figured out it's better to buy them out. -We already make everything they need, lets take the last step, says Chinas real estate agent Sun.

-Look, Europeans move their factories to China, let us buy Europe so Europeans can keep their factories in Europe.

-It's a good offer, another option is war, and we both know China wins. We can afford to loose one billion people, you don't even have one billion people, so it would be a wise choice to take our offer before we change our minds.

Photo Joseph

Melania Takes Out Divorce, Sick Of Trump

Melania Trump is reportedly sick of her husbands behaviour and has filed for divorce. Trump tried to talk her into continuing as a second lady, but negotiations fell through. She wants half.

According to White House rumours, Trump offered her Canada instead and threw in Mexico to shut her up, but Melania turns out to be a better dealmaker than her husband.

She can literary travel back to Eastern Europe with Eastern USA in her suitcase. That's a First Lady!

Photo The White House

President Trump Is Broke

The President is wearing a fake Rolex. The real one is in a pawnbroker in Harlem. Trump promises nobody will notice. He has bought second hand suits and ties that look similar to his trademark look White House Trash.

Trump admits he never had any money. It was all a lie. And he didn't reveal is taxes because he was so ashamed of being poor. "I did't pay tax cause there was nothing to tax".

Photo IoSonoUnaFotoCamera

Shocking Amount Of Fake Gold In Trump Towers

Thieves where stunned by how little their stolen goods from the Trump Tower was worth, when they tried to sell it on the black market. Similar rumours from other Trump Towers has circulated for a while, and today it became official.

A group of inmates serving long sentences for breaking in and stealing luxury goods who turned out worthless has issued a criminal warning. "Don't steal from Trump Towers, it's worthless".

Analytics don't think this will affect the market value of the brand name at all. Since the tenants bought the lie the first time around, their likely to buy it again and again and again. There's no signs of tenants wanting to move so, there you go...

Photo Jude Joshua

Breaking News: Earth Crashed In Space

At 06.00 hours this morning, GMT Standard Time, earth crashed with a planet who was, up to this point, invisible to the human eye. How long it has been in earth's flyzone is among many questions NASA is working on.

-This is one of those rare occasions when the questions are more difficult than the answers. We have to re-write history, or re-imagine it. How do we explain the dinosaurs disappearing now? It sure is tempting to, just for once, pretend it never happened, says NASA's spokeswoman Cortez Alienz.

Photo Free-Photos

No School Pupils In Dictator States Strike For Climate Change

They care about the topic, but they are not willing to risk their life for it. -I'd much rather die of natural causes, says Anonymous "Johnson".

-If I join the movement it will shorten my life expectancy with 40 years. It's not worth it. If I die of global warming, I've hit the jackpot. There's so much else to die from when gangsters run the country.

-Our only comfort is that global warming kills them too. Revenge is ours!

Photo J.W.Vein

Changing Weight Distribution From 4 Million Leaving Venezuela Affects Earths Orbit

Since the emigration started in 2009, 280 million kilos of weight has been redistributed on earth and it has caused our planet to circle one millimetre to the left around the sun, according to Spanish NASA.

-We don't know if this is good or bad or indifferent, but we all know who to blame if a meteor hits us, says earthologist Pepe: The Jews!

Satellite Photo Google Maps

Lego To Build Mega Cities In North Korea - For Real

The Denish toy company is in chock after North Korea ordered 20 new mega cities around the country. -Off course it's humbling, but they must have got it wrong.

The spokesperson for the National City Planing Committee in North Korea says he is impressed by Lego who manage to sell buildings in boxes. -At first we had problems wrapping our heads around it, we have been isolated from the world for so long...

Too long, apparently.

Photo Efraimstochter

Ex-Con Just Knows He Got A Great Voice

-People might think I got a huge ego, but I'm just openly great. Some people are openly gay, I'm openly great, says Manuele who does dirty jobs for a biker gang when he's not on a stage.

-I've always had a great voice, but it really matured when I began smoking and drinking heavily. After a few years of that I hit the sealing and didn't know to improv when luck struck my way and I was thrown in jail.

-The experience of solitude added a thick layer of anger to my voice that really resonated with people. My first performance as an ex-con sold out. I got radio time, tv shows, bd boy this and bod boy that, all I had do do was fake some anger and the money flushed in.

-I don' feel bad about faking anger, people love to forgive a sinner and I'm making quite a good living doing it, but looking back, I should rather have faked being a bad boy, cause nobody fact checks it. I can have claimed whatever...

Photo The Eyes Of New York

North Korea Has Developed Short Meeting Rockets

The summit with the American President was quickly canceled when it leaked that Kim Jong-un was planing to attack Trump with nuclear gas.

-It was a clever plan to take out Trump in Vietnam, we would have thought it was the food, says the Secret Service agent who unveiled the plot.

-They bombed the hallways in the hotel on arrival. Luckily for us they haven't done enough testing and hadn't figured out the launching mechanism.

-The North Koreans where afraid Trump, considering his age, had mastered the silent weapon and was going to use it on Kim Jong-un in Vietnam. They deny all plans to use it, but admit being armed to their teeth and ready to defend themselves.

Trump Says He Talked North Korea Into Giving Up Their Nukes - Just Like That

-I said, North Korea needs food. The nukes contain a lot of energy... eat them. Everybody is happy. Sometimes someone just need to talk sense to these people.

-It was a great moment. Kim got the message, I really enjoyed it. I'm a great negotiator, probably the greatest ever, says Trump before he interrupts himself.

-If they don't, Kimmy-boy has to deal with mine, on a personal level, so there's no need for reasoning, it's all pretty clear cut.

-You know, like black or white, in nuclear terms, not racist, but more clear, like kill, kill, kill, instead of KKK. The Ku Klux Klan didn't kill everyone, but I will.

England Is Turning Itself Into EUs Own North Korea

Despite being an Island surrounded by oceans on all sides, England is burning the few remaining bridges to the European mainland. Do they really hate Europe that much? Whats next? Forbid the world to speak English?

England has nuclear weapons, and, can be, if this madness continues, a serious threat to the civilised world. How likely is it, that England, the once mighty Empire, turns into world enemy number one?

In a world run by dictators, it's very likely. It wasn't the Nazis who declared WW2, it was the British. It's the biggest enough is enough ever set in motion and they weren't even at the height of their game.

So, what's stopping them? Nothing.

Image by PIRO4D

Trump Not Representative Of People Living In White Houses

-I will paint my house green if people begin to think it's a connection. The guy is a maniac. I would leave earth if I could. I sincerely envy astronauts who can go to the International Space Station while this is going on, says Mateo.

-First Bush, then Trump?! Well.., I have learned one thing from them. I can only trust black Americans.

Photo Free-Photos

Mexico Willing To Pay For Wall Around The White House

"Consider it a compromise. We will not pay for the border wall, but we will pay for a wall around Trump, he obviously needs one." says Mexico is an official flyer delivered to every American household.

The flyer, nicknamed The Declaration of Sanity, continues: "Lets work together on this, it's a win win situation. Actually, it's a win win win situation".

"Trump and his republican party corporates with Russia, so drop the Mueller investigation and let Mexico, in the spirit of even-steven, cooperate with the democratic party and we'll see who's last man standing".

Photo Michal Jarmoluk

The Residents at the Hospital for the Criminally Insane Get Trump

-We understand where he's coming from. He is like us, a natural born leader. The world has always been run by the worst of us. We are just waiting for him to get us out of here, says "Walter" who speaks for the whole world.

Timmy says "Trumps behaviour speaks to me in ways words can't". Despite having issues with walls, he agrees with the President on the Mexico situation. "We need to build the wall to keep the good guys out!".

-Otherwise they'll lock us up!

Photo Peter H

African Union Proud To Be Bugged By China

The African Union says in a statement that this shows the world its Africa that matters. "The Chinese are not interested in Brexit, in the European Union, in Trump or America, it's us they focus on.

We have waited for this moment a long time. By 2050 there will be 2 billion Africans on this continent. It's an illusion that China will take over the world after USA.

It will be us who sets the world agenda and we understand their frustration, cause we surveil them too, but we don't get caught..."

Flag African Union

Polar Bear Broke Into Home, Ate The Food And Used The Toilet

The residents in Novaya Zemlya in Russia are horrified by the invasion of 50 polar bears in their neighbourhood, but also impressed by their behaviour.

-The bear flushed! I'm not used to that... my husband never does. If this keeps up I might get myself a polar bear, says Tatiana Ivakina.

Photo robynm

Nuclear War Looks Great In Space!

-If we decide to go out with a bang, at least it will be a head turner around the Universe, kinda like a blond in space, it will raise some eyebrows, says retired Nasa astronaut Billy "the Kid".

-With the current atom bomb/dictator situation it can happen any day now. This is our exit point. This is where humans blow up the planet.

-We had a good run. We where this close to escape before the big local bang. Dam-it, a few more hundred years and we could have all left earth before our dictators blew it up.

-Why is technology both the solution and the problem? Because when the solution is the problem, the problem is not the solution. We are doomed to do this, it's our destiny.

-Think about it, why else equip monkeys with smartbrains?

 -If you put a monkey infront of a keyboard, soner or later he will write a sentence. Same goes for us. Put us on the planet, soner or later we will blow it up.

Photo skeeze

Putin Got Nothing To Fear Cause Nobody Wants Russia

-Nobody in their right mind will invade a bunch of crap. Hitler was a maniac, laughs former Sovjet Union citizen, now NATO spindoctor Mindaugas Garbys.

-The Russian army is completely unnecessary. Nobody wants to invade a bunch of corrupt oligarchs who holds millions of poor people hostage. Who wants to deal with that?!

-No, we help them to escape, by offering them Nato membership. Thats how we beat them.

Photo Nato

Pope Travels To The Moon!!!

-I am deeply concerned about whats happening on our planet and I'm going to heaven to seek advice from God, says the Pope.

-God received my preyers from the Vatican last week and agreed to meet me on the dark side of the moon. The meeting is scheduled to last 15 minutes.

God doesn't want to ruin people's faith. So the meeting will not be televised. -Belief is of absolute importance, without that, there is no hope. Without hope, humanity is doomed. Therefore God will not reveal herself.

Photo Comfreak

Amazon To Open It's First Production Plant In The Amazon

The internet giant is coming home! Indigenous people celebrate by throwing spears and firing arrows at the building site.

-Their so full of energy, says a representative from the Corruption Party, who is always in power in Brazil. We might have to put the down.

Photo pioordozgoith