Billboard Make Street Way Prettier

Truth be sold. -This area is so run down we should be lucky advertisers bother. It`s so much easier to ignore the homeless who live under the sign. If it`s a good add it`s f#@* impossible, says local Tim.

-I`ve saved so much since began ignoring them. I look at the add and forget to roll down the window and give. So I spend the money on whats advertised instead.

Photo Michael Cory

US Speeds Up Border Fence Building To Stop Mexican Workers Return

The Mexican dream. US Border Patrol, formerly known for gunning down illegal immigrants, now face a different problem. The fuckers won`t come. -We have nobody to shoot at. They return voluntary, says US killing machine Barber Johnson.

-Thank God for drug trafficking. Otherwise we wouldn`t have anything to do. We could shoot monkeys.., but it`s not the same. They don`t have cash and there`s no status. Monkey business and monkeys is two different things. I learned that where the sun don`t shine.

Mexicans have been seen playing Bob Dylan`s Time Are A Changing right up in the faces off patrol guards moments before they piss over to the Mexican side. Who`s going to work the floor on K-Mart now? White people? Certainly not Mexicans. Their all driving Porche`s and BMWs now.

Photo Wonderlane

Mountain Lucy Aims At Making The Cover Of National Geographic In 2 Million Years

-Few think about it, but archaeologists find homo sapiens like your
neighbour, not interesting people at all. They had to die and and stay
dead for thousands of years before anyone paid attention to them.
Out of this World. -After loosing American Idol I had a serious setback. I didn`t know who I was. I had these images of myself that nobody else had so I went into coma. When I woke up, two weeks later, enough time had passed so I could enter Canadian Idol without anyone noticing. Then loosing there I got serious problems.

-I understood I`ll never make it in this world. Everything I ever lived for suddenly disappears right infront of me without even happening. Right there and then I made a pack with myself, If I can`t make it in this life, I`ll make it in the next.

-I took on my boots and went hiking. My plan is to find the right spot where archaeologists of the future can find me intact. The only survivor of the electric age. I quite fancy the idea of Indiana Jones holding me in his hands and putting the world in motion to stop the evil doers from getting my body.

-I know I`m hot, but wait till the end of time and I`ll be on any fucking magazine cover! You know what they say: age before beauty. I`m going to prove them right!

Photo Bods

Wild Turkeys Survived Thanksgiving

Turkeyschwitz. The two tukeys had escaped from Olson Chicken Farm in Calcutta six years ago and have been living on the loose ever since.

-It`s rare that they get so old. Most are killed instantly at early adolescent. There`s no point keeping them alive until Thanksgiving when we can freeze them down. Just a waste of money, says Mr Olson.

He tells WMA that some of the Turkeys people eat have been frozen for years. -It`s like people who are frozen down and hope they can wake up in the future when science is up to their problem. Only the turks don`t ask for eternal life. They ask to be eaten.

Mr Olsen is not afraid that the two animals on the loose will return to rescue the others. -This is not Chicken Run, their stupid, they`ll never understand I treat them like Jews during World War 2. They don`t have the brains to see the similarities between me and Hitler.

-Could you imagine the Nazis eat Jews? Ugh! Let`s not go there.

Photo The Holy Hand Grenade!

Student Eager to Write Biography On Sexy Writer Paula Broadwell

Ghostshagger. -I want to write it in the style she wrote about General David Petraeus. Home visits with lots of sex, says the student from Helsinki, Finland.

-Then after that I would like to write it again - same way, 2-300 times.

Photo hildgrim

George Bush Senior Too Old To Replace Larry Hagman

Daddy Day Care. -He`s already older than Hagman by 7 years. Having that said, his audition was awesome, but Larry never went there with the part so we needed a younger guy who could do it all again. So we went with junior, says the Dallas casting director.

-We`re glad we made that decision. The Bond people never took James on a trip to the elderly center. I don`t think we want to see that. JR Ewing has to be out there screwing women and his business partners. Who want`s to fantasize about the realities of life?

Photo Marion Doss

George W Bush Takes Over as JR Ewing After Larry Hagman

Lead different. -We see this the way they do it with Bond. Bush is the new face to front Dallas. We know he can do the part, everbody is happy, says soapmaker Dear God.

-Years from now fans will argue who was the best Ewing. Larry was like Sean Connery, he sat the example and made the role world known. Bush is more like Roger Moore. It`s too good to be true. Who would think a former President could end up a Hollywood actor?

Photo Live & Local

Fat Albert Talks About Crossfat

Pathmaker. -Hey! Hey! Hey! This is Bill Cosby coming at you with food and fun. If your not careful you might add a few pounds before I`m done.

-I work in lazyness now. I`m a PT. I coach people in fatness. And I`m one of the best. You`re guaranteed gaining weight if you hire me.

-I specialize in crossfat which is a new disipline in fatworks. It`s a combination of working infront of a pc all day long and watching tv when you come home. I`ve had customers whos put in an average of 17 hours a day and my god they look awful.

-I don`t recommend more than that cause you need 8 hours of sleep. Crossfat is tough on the body and you need to recover. You also need time to go the toilet so I recommend scheduling it into your program so you don`t loose a shit.

-It`s humiliating having poo fall down from you ass while your not aware of it and exposing it to others is not only grose and uneccesary. It is damaging for the sport. It hurts our reputation. We need a shitfree environment to make this movement grow.

Photo WilliamNilly

Wall Street Celebrates Thankstaking

Overblown Turkey. -It hurts seeing the financial crisis be something that can be solved. We could have taken more. Thats the sad part. Realizing we could have gotten away with more, says crimebanker Greedy Gonzales.

Photo Abeeeer

Pentagon Envy Apple`s New Headquarter

Garden of Eden. -They get to make cool gadgets that people spend money to get, while we have to make boring policies nobody wants so who we have to spend money to force them on people. It`s not fair. They take all the glory while we do all the hard work, complains Admiral Fightfeld.

-Yeah, whatever, responds Steve Jobs successor to the criticism.

-I will personally plant a tree in the middle of the garden on opening day and to those of you who see things differently, the crazy onces, the misfits, the troublemakers, to those who think outside the circle and believe they can change the world... you know what to do.

Photo Official website of Cupertino City Council

Palestine Asked Israelis To Go Inside Their Homes Before They Bombed It

Kaboom. -It didn`t work, but it was a close call. My brother could smell something was wrong when Hamas asked us to step inside, says little Abraham.

-If it wasn`t for my brother, we would have not died, cause the missile was stopped by the Iron Dome. So we didn`t get to see any awesome explosions. I ran up all those stairs for nothing.

Photo yanec 

Israel Plan To Invade Germany: -We See No Other Option

-The world already looks at us as the big Satan, We feel it`s time to live up
to our reputation for a change. We`re sick of not deserving it.
Goose-Strip. -We have been surrounded by problems ever since we got this peace of land. Was giving it to us some sick joke? asks Israels religious slash prime minister Netanyahu.

-The Germans owe us for WW2 and 65 years of hell. It`s time for major payback. And I can`t see any reason why they shouldn`t welcome us.

-We`ll fix the European economy in a minute. We`ll make the Turks seem like a small minority and we`re already brainwashed, so they don`t have to "make us fit into society", we actually work for a living.

Photo IsraelinUSA

The World Has Had Enough, Time To Kill Off The Gaza Religions

Bombadilla life. -I don`t care who`s right anymore. It has come to the point where they have all wrong if they continue. Cut the crap or die, says all knowing hardass Billy Dickhead.

-From tomorrow I`m withdrawing my peace negotiations. If they still want to fight, let them fight. I`m not going to do anything to stop them anymore cause their not even trying. This is on them. No more mercy.

-I got other balls to fry, says Billy Dickhead while he solves the rest of the world problems and cuts the hair on his customer in Las Vegas, USA.

-I should be President... -I know, confirms Billy Dickhead to himself outloud. At this point the customer fakes an sms and leaves in a hurry claiming his 70 year old wife is giving birth.

Photo Physicians for Human Rights - Israel

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST!!! - Just Kidding

Gotcha! -Let`s all be Italians! suggested a street diplomat and for a second there it looked like he was getting through.

Middle Eastern`s are like Italians without the guns. So why not. It could work. The Italians put up with Vatican City in the heart of Rome. They have had the most corrupt man lead their country for years and they scream all the time.

Do it!

Photo Rex 

Earth Take Time-Out In Selecting The Next City To Destroy

Mamagedon. Word has it Mother Earth consider giving the moon a serious wake up call. -It hasn`t done much for me lately. Maybe I should get rid of it, says the mother of all gods.

-Every 5 million years I give birth to a planet. Humans stupidly mistake volcanoes for volcanoes... It`s a birth canal. I`m multi vaginal. Every month I have my period somewhere in the world. Mammals loose blod, I loose magma.

-Life didn`t begin at the big bang. It began at the big birth. She was my grandplanet, Mother space. She got billions of planets. All over. I`ll never forget her. We can`t live like that today. To many of us already. She was really swinging in space.

Photo Bluedharma

Guy Without Military Experience Spent $5000 To Look Like Latino Bond

Delicious. -Some call them college drop outs, but here at Diesel we like to call them customers, says the key account manager at Diesel Paraguay.

-There`s an awful lot of them. Rich American kids with too much money to understand the value of education. We like them. They come here on holiday thinking it`s much cheaper here and it is so we make special tripple price for you my friend.

-And they got a lot of friends. Lot.

-The Diesel Terrorist look sells like crazy. We gave it a touch of Che Guevara so both confused idiots and anti-Americans, where ever they come from, some even come from America...

-I personally get a kick out of those sells. Their special dollars to me. It`s fuck you with a twist and they don`t get it. But my bank account does.

Photo TheSLine

Israel and Palestine Go At It Again

!!!!!!!! And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

And again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

And again.

Photo CyprusPictures

BBC To Headhunt The Pope

Top of the popes. -We need someone with better insight into covering up pedophile scandals, says BBC Child Abuse spokesman.

-Someone who has benefitted from standing on the shoulders of giant sex offenders. Someone who has done it before and knows how to do it again. The Vatican seem like such a natural place to go.

The Vatican on the other hand was quite surprised when BBC came to them. -We where thinking of going to them. It`s only a matter of time before the next pope come from BBC.

Photo  Padmanaba01

SuperPack Guy Regret He Didn`t Buy Sri Lanka Instead of Mitt Romney

-At least I still got the cheese, aurgh!
Mine, MINE! -I thought you can always get Sri Lanka, but I didn`t have that kind of money twice, says all time rich guy and part time knucklehead.

-It was the human side of me who got the better part of me. It`s good to have an excuse when you bet 35 billion dollars on the wrong horse.

-It got to tempting having the president as my bitch. Giving him so much money he had to obey my wishes, like a dog on a leash... like having the President live in my White dog House... there`s something about money that corrupts the soul... mmm mm mmm m.

-Mm mmm m mmm m mmmm mm mm mmm m m.

-Yeah, there`s definitely something corrupting about 35 billion dollars... arrrrrghh!

-ARRGGGHHHH!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!! UH!!!

Photo CarbonNYC

Kid Thanks Hollywood For Distributing Their Films To His Part Of The World, Otherwise He Has To Watch Those Cambodian Movies

Foreign aid. -Their so pathetic, their always running in the woods and yelling and shit. I don`t know why, maybe they try to look important or beat Forrest Gump or whatever, says the little smartass kid.

-It`s so weird, I live in dreamland, but they put out so much crap here it makes me want to see movies from Hollywood.

-I really like those big bang bang bang bang car chase "Wow, did you see that" explosion stuff. I get goosebumps like when I stay too long in the water.

-The movies makes it easier to live in paradise. Knowing that there is someone out there who care about my imagination and don`t give a shit about safety make me feel safe at night.

Photo Frontierofficial

Gas Sent Diver Off Course

Tony Fart. -I`m glad he wasn`t playing basketball or anything like that, but he knows he can`t stay long offshore incase of a blast. Thats why we live in a boat, says his long time girlfriend.

-If it wasn`t for my desire to sail we could not be a couple. The ocean keeps us together. It has saved his life and others with the the same condition so many times, it makes up for all it takes.

-Some men snore, others fart. It`s nothing to be ashamed off. I`ve been with a lot of weirdos, but nothing beats having your guy catapult away when you climax.

Photo Frontierofficial

Hamas Fire Back At Israel To Their Big Surprise

Ping pong. They all hit they ground, but one actually hit something, says Hamas next leader to be killed. -I keep my identity secret for he time being. I want to do as much damage before Israel find me.

-We think firing back like amateur idiots will give us much needed sympathy in the world press. Thats what we`re really aiming at.

-If we hit too well, we loose the world. We need to loose, but attack big enough to get Israel to loose control. Thats what we do around here. Coffee?

Photo Erik Charlton

Israel Kill Military Chief of Hamas And Hope He Will Not Be Replaced

Too much history. -We have absolutely no data confirming our hope theory, in fact all knowledge points towards the contrary, but we have a lot of guns and amo... says Israels Attackminister.

-Look, I have an impossible job explaining this. There`s no way anybody would give their thumbs up in advance. No country on earth except arms dealers would support this. Thats why we went ahead and demand  forgiveness later.

-I personally think it would be more effective to fill our bombs with bananas. How can they respond to that with another airstrike? But I`m the attackminister and imagine how people would not re-elect me if I suggest to bomb the Gaza Strip with appels and oranges. It would be tragic to my career. I would bring shame on my family, my party, my neighbours and my wife would take the kids and leave me yelling "I didn`t marry a vegetarian!".

-I ask myself many times... If we turned the Gaza Strip into a huge strip club, would the men fight then?  Maybe we`re asking the wrong question. Maybe life is not about who was here first, but who is here now. If you get fundamental questions like that wrong early on... no wonder we fight.

Photo rafahkid

Area Muslim Doesn`t Want To Change The World

Man of the hour. -I feel like leaving it alone for a while. It has changed too many times lately. For instance, this morning I was selling coconuts, now after midday, I can`t sell it cause they can be mistaken for homemade bombs.

-Before everything was much easier. I never did anything I wanted to. It was all laid out for me. Now I`m getting all these choices. I can choose this and that...

-Choosing to do sinful things was never optional before. I never had the opportunity to be personal bad. It always had to be institutional. Now it doesn`t and it`s tempting. I know the consequences of not getting caught. That is new to me. Totally new. Whereas being good isn`t.

 -What can I say. I like to explore new things...

Photo U.S Embassy Kabul Afghanistan

When The CIA Boss Can`t Keep The Affairs With His Mistresses Secret, The Whole Organisation Is In Deep Trouble

Bond bad. -You know I had to let you go. But before you leave, between you and me, how was she? said Obama to his former top CIA dog.

-She was worth it. Definitely. The war on terror is coming to an end and I try to get as much peace of ass that I possibly can while CIA is still hot among the chicks.

-I`m married to Michelle, so I don`t have to think like that. Besides there`s something called long time relationship, but you wouldn't know anything about that would you?

-I guess thats too much to ask for a CIA operative in times like this.

Photo The U.S. Army

Taking Down Armstrong Is Strauss Kahn`s Work

Judge Dreadful. He couldn`t go after the President, not even if Romney won. So he fried a smaller fish, says sources in the French government. Discussions about who they could fry went on for months before Kahn`s wife left him. Then it was that son of a bitch who won Tour de France way to many times.

WMA was surprised about Kahn`s willingness to discuss the accusations. He more than answered, he hit on our reporter and tried to drag her into a rom and rape her, but enough about that.

-We all knew that yankee was drugged. They all where, but it was god for our economy. They gave us much needed attention and money. So we let those rats work for us, says Kahn.

-As a thank you for arresting me for having sex with a prostitute in New York, we reveal one of the American countrymen`s bad action here. Unfortunately we can`t take anyone for having sex here. Thats why people come to France. It`s what we do. But some prefer to cycle. To us, that is a crime.

Photo World Trade Organization

That Fucker Really Got It Good Ey!

El Salvador! -What a dick, says Gunter, who studies electrical science at the Www dot University somewhere in dreamland. He`s in his 12th year and has never felt better.

-It`s moments like this, when I see my roommate shit his pants that makes it all worth it. 100 dollars to see him eat 25 hotdogs. Fuck that was disgusting.

-He should have swallowed his proud and puked it right up, but he was to self aware. Like it`s sexy to eat freaking 25 hotdogs?!

-I`ve never seen a hotdog come out of a mans ass. Next time I`m gonna get him to eat his credit card and when it`s time to pay the dinner he can pull down his pant...

Photo oati

Lance Armstrong Opens Up About The Drug Abuse

Lancenot. -It started out as a bet in a poker game. I lost a lot and had to sell drugs to pay my dues. A friend of mine knew this guy who knew this guy and he had some dough he wanted to get rid off, says Lance.

-I though maybe it`s better if I sell this in Europe, so my friends and family doesn`t get to know about it if I get caught. So we came up with this brilliant idea of going on a bicycle tour in Europe and take it from there. I mean who`s going to think a cyclist sells drugs?

-So we went to France. I`ve never heard of the place. I thought it was a city in Germany, but it turned out it was a country of their own, with their own language and guess what, bicycle race. Who has bicycle races these days? ?????? It was too good to be true.

-On my first trip I noticed people where cycling fast, like they where chasing a carrot or something so I had to speed up to not fall behind. As this continued I though to myself "I might as well take some dough to keep up".

-As soon as I sold even I did and I won whole the race which surprised me, cause I was selling to the other contesters. Maybe it`s my cancer background. After facing death I don`t care anymore. I took ten times the recommended drug abuse. I bet none of the other pussies dared that.

-So here I was back in USA with no depth and a bright future of going back and make some profit. Why not? It`s the perfect smuggler route around "France". Just wait a year so people don`t get suspicious.

-Next year everybody wanted it. I made so much money I eventually had to start a charity to fix my books and not to talk about divert attention. The French where so French about an American winning Tour de France year in and year out. I see now why so many French immigrated to America. I would have immigrated to Siberia myself. It also explains why there is so many dummies in America today.

-Yeah, so thats my story. The reason I`m here in Adelaide down under is to put my past behind me and pretend it`s not there. Anybody up for tour Australia?

Photo  

Tree Decided to End It After A Lifetime In The Dark

Forrest dumb. -I never stood a chance. Those skyscrapers on Manhattan outsun me 24/7. How can I compete with that?

-And that stupid saying: If you can`t beat them join them. How can I join a building of fifth ave? How am I gonna get there, Nature`s Taxi?

-And that crap never give up I only come in 100m. The skyscrapers touch the sky. Thats why their called skyscrapers. My name is not tree scraper and doping won`t make me 6 times longer.

-I really hate in when people say the sky is the limit. No, the skyline is the limit. Believe me, I live and die by it.

Photo jebb

Lincoln Had That Muslim Hairdo Right Down

Original muslim. The declaration of independence was originally written in three languages. English, German and Arabian. The German and Arabian got lost over the years and there is talk about a hindu too.

All the images of Abe with long Muslim beard has been carefully destroyed ages ago. The US Archives only kept those with "appropriate length".

All his hindu clothes are burned. The Koran is long removed and pictures of the prophet too. Same with the imagery of naked Jesus with his 12 nude men going at it from door to door. Al gone.

Photo guano

Romney Regret He Didn`t Run For Messiah

Kingdom come. -A black guy could never won in religion. I choosed the wrong race. I should have gone with my gut instinct and not try to hide my mormonism to win people over. I could have gone for the world and I went for a tiny part of it instead... I could still be pope though... with some... campaign money.

-It is me who needs real recovery now. God, I`m gonna miss this mic. It`s like my second dick. I like to hold it with that hard firm look. It gives me the illusion of control. Who said I`m into bondage?

-God gave me gift of talking to spread his word and I used it for what? Become President of The United States Of America? No matter it didn`t work. I was spreading the wrong gospel.

Photo cornstalker

Michelle Is Getting It Tonight

The American Dream
3 times a lady. Election night is falling over the White House. Obama has not confirmed but close sources and the entire nation know Michelle is getting it tonight.

Secret Service has turned of the surveillance equipment tonight and the President is scheduled for a late start tomorrow.

Photo Tom Lohdan

Mitt Romney Got Cockblocked By Obama

Godbama. -I`m not giving away the White House keys yet, I`m not done, says Obama in a powertrip talk to his crew off camera.

-Mitt can be my secretary off defeated rivals. It`s a few of them by now. They need nurturing like the war vets.

-He could be my minister of agriculture cause he`s so god damn old. Plus mormons know a lot about that stuff, but seriously he should get the business department, If his ego allowed him to work for me.

Something tells me he`s not ready to be my bitch yet. He based his whole campaign on getting that nigga out of here. Poor boy.

Photo ProgressOhio

Dude Already Forgot Mitt Romneys Name

Mayfly. -Now, what was his name again? That mormon man... something on M... no, I forgot. Celebrities come and go, says US Dude.

-You can`t expect me to remember the name of every one hit wonder. I have difficulties enough remembering their lyrics, uh... message. It was something like blah blah blah blah.

 Photo valli_mark

Romney Looks At The Prospects Of Being A Used Car Salesman

-I`d like a future with that.
The tongue. -I`m not overwhelmed by it, no I`m not. not at all. In fact I`m appalled by it. But a salesman got to do what a salesman got to do. I could probably get Rent a Wreck into the major league amont rental car companies.

-I could also buy up a chain of pawnbrokers and turn it into fine wine stores selling the same shit. I can sell horseshit as pork or porkshit as beef.

-I could also get a job at McDonalds. I could get a job as a mormon.

-I could get caught trying to kill Obama in Presidential envy. I could join the boy scouts and start all over again. I could follow in Michael Jacksons footsteps, but that is not a good idea.

 Photo katherinecresto

Voter Killed Himself After Watching A String Of Negative Campaign Ads

RIP TV. After two hour of ads breaking into the programming every 15 minutes Brad was convinced both candidates would bring the nation to hell. In his farewell note he wrote it doesn`t matter who won. USA will blow up tomorrow anyway.

Psychiatrists says this reaction is normal and that their surprised not more people has killed themselves. Especially among 18-100 who can vote and watch a lot of tv. -We thought maybe the world population would drop by 10% since so few of them get to vote in this election. It would certainly hurt me, says Franco the psychiatrist.

-We where kinda hoping for a bost in medicine sales, not officially, off course. This kind of fear mongering can bring down whole nations. It`s not god for anything except us. And we don`t even have to endorse it. There`s no superpack, no campaign contributions. It`s pure profit, baby.

Photo dsb nola

Donald Trump Desperately Tries To Convince Voters Obama Is A Terrorist By Not Finding Out

I`m fired. -The answer is the question my friend, says Donald Triumphant to whoever still listens to the old prick.

-I got my men looking into this. My men as in gay lovers. There`s a lot of male gold diggers out there desperat to do whatever to get their hands on some money. I don`t see the harm in abusing that against them, as long as their not terrorist muslims with a secret agenda to blow up America.

-They do everything the woman do and less. I`m not into the man on man or mano-a-mano thing, even dough I wear Armani. I prefer women and I hate it when my men overdo it. Then I mean my men as in mountain swallowers or money fuckers. God I hate it, but I understand it. I would have done the same if I wear in their position. I know where they come from. I worked my way up the chain too.

-I`m not surprised about the rumors Obama killed Kennedy cause I set them out. But to be sure I set my men to investigate further and they found some revealing facts. I would make a better president than Obama and Mitt Romney. True story. And I have an impressive dick. Every hooker in Vegas can confirm.

Photo Gage Skidmore

The World Has Agreed To Install Obama If Romney Wins

-We will probably use unecessary brutal force to complete the mission,
you know, for old times sake, says Put. 
Powervote. The United Nations, the African Union and the Asian Whatever has come to the conclusion the world will invade United States Of America and reinstall Obama in the White House if the American people choose Romney.

-Somebody has to tell them whats best for them. We like Obama, we like what he has done and we want him to continue that, says Vladimir Putin. -On behalf of all the other schmucks who lacks the balls to say it out loud. The Russian troops will bomb USA from the minute the result is wrong.

-Even the Syrians agree Obama is a better choice. They know whats coming if Romney gets the army. Total mayhem. We like weak America and we prefer weak America to continue. To our understanding it is best Bama continues. We don`t want to risk Romney actually succeed at getting the economy going.

 Photo maiak.info 

Jodie Don`t Care Who Wins Anymore, More Concerned If There Is No Winner

Resurrection. -I can`t take this one more time, if at all. I am seriously concerned about next time cause there is no way to escape it.

-I can`t leave my country and expect it to be a non subject there. It`s the talk of the day everywhere in the world, says Jodie who`s never been outside her State or state of mind.

-So I`m thinking about space travel. I understand the attraction now. I never did before, but now I do. I would actually pay gazillions of dollars to leave earth and come back when it`s over.

Photo La Melodie

Patient Escaped From Hospital With Broken Leg

-I want my private life coming, coming back,
Hospitality. The patient was so full of durgs he didn`t know north from south west, but he knew he wanted to go to Buenos Aires and dance the tango. -Thats a tall order from Paris with trains, says the doctor who picked him up from the TVG station.

-It`s the fourth time he does something like this. He saw a documentary on tv about the flamingo dance in Argentina and suddenly he thinks he knows the language and can dance like a cabron.

-Last time he thought he was a professional soccer player for Real Madrid and ran across the stadion but naked yelling Gestapo! Before that he rang on people`s doorbell and said "mi casa su casa", walked right inn and ate from their fridge until he dropped.

Some patients are better off left alone.

Photo cookipediachef

Fed Up Joe Votes For The Candidate With The Dirtiest Smear Campaign

Smalltalk. -More than anything I want this election over with already. I feel like I`ve heard the arguments so many times they go on auto-repeat in my head. I need a few weeks to unwind, says Joe.

-If you ask me why I don`t care, I`ll tell you I do, but about the wrong issues. When I come home and take off these clothes, I`m an ashole. I don`t care about others. I don`t care about faking it either. I`m a selfish prick who thinks about me and me only. And I`m proud of it.

-When I hear about global warming, I don`t care, cause it happens after I die. It doesn`t affect me. You might say "what about your grand children?" Fuck èm! I want my SUV more.

Photo s.maentz

Wolverine Pass On Offer To Star In Sex-Men

Latex Mutiny. -I`m not comfortable fucking someone else on camera. I`ll kill them, torture them, eat them, but I got limits. I will not do one on one in full nudity. I got standards, says Wolverine.

-Lot of people wonder if I do wolfs. Sometimes. It all depends on the mood. If it`s late and the moon is shining I`ll do it. It`s not much stopping me then.

-I prefer doggy style, wolfs really don`t have styles. It`s more of a combat existence. It doesn`t translate well to sex. It too tough for rough love, it`s more like rape love. It`s disgusting.

Photo marvelousRoland

Athlete Pee In Pool To Win Game

Marking territory
Pister. -From experience I know opponents play worse sniffing my urin. They wonder what is that smell. Then they ask themselves is it possible?

-When they realize it is, they get paralyzed like my piss has some kind of power over them. They feel surrounded by piss and performing well disgust them, says Urin Boy.

Photo istolethetv

New York Marathon Canceled To Make Space For New York Water Polo

Head above water. New York mayor Bloomberg invite everybody with swimsuits to participate in the world`s first open grand slam tournament in water polo.

-I know it`s ridiculous, but I have no islamists to blame and I desperately need to redirect attention. The Big Apple can only take so much negative press before it hurt our tourist industry.

-So if you think I do this for the locals, think again. It`s all about the money.

Photo tpower1978

Luke Skywalker Gets His Own Tonight Show

Night of too many stars. Forget peace in the galaxy. Disney plans to gear up the war machine after taking control of the Death Star. -War is drama. -We need drama to fill endless episodes of the Star Wars saga.  Peace has to go... sorry folks, but war is good for the economy.

Luke Skywalker is surprised about the format he`s assigned to work in, but he understands the need to adjust to the times.

-I just don`t know what to say. I hear we`re redoing the Letterman shows from 1982-93. As long as there is a teleprompter feeding me words I`m okay with Bugs Bunny. Did you read those Star Wars scripts? They where insane.

Photo nickstone333

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...