Shocking News: Santa Wants something In Return

X Games. This just in: for the first time in history, Santa wants a cut. He threatens go go on strike unless he gets a 20% stake of every gift he gives away.

In his defence he says, quote "What have you ever done for me?".

And continues: "None of you ever send me a Xmas card, it's all wish lists, it's all about you".

"You never give me anything and when you grow up you have the balls to don't even believe in me anymore".

"You grown ups are the scum of the world. Startings wars and doing everything I told you not to".

Photo Karen Warfel

Putin Urge Sanctioned Athletes To Apply For Asylum In Russia

Thai food. -We are a friendly country who include people of all walks of life, especially winners. If these other countries are so stupid to exclude the best of their own we are happy to take them, says Putin.

-I don't see doping as problematic, their sacrificing everything to win, including their health. Thats dedication and we praise dedication in mother Russia. Besides, life expectancy is 60 here, how bad can doping be compared to our regular food? Grow up.

Photo Kremlin

An Elephant Bribed Mugabe

Animal Fram. The President of Zimbabwe received the sum of 200 million dollars for making private arrangements for Dumbo. Dumbo, who has become filthy rich over the years since his movies went in syndication, is in Africa to make a new movie for Disney and wanted to quote "live life" while he was abroad.

-He wanted to do things that are illegal in the US. Things that I do all the time. He was willing to pay good money. I might be old, but I'm not dumb, says Mugabe.

Disney has decided to digitize the live action movie and release it as a Pixar animation. Dumbo is currently in rehab and unavailable for comment.

Photo Wikipedia

Norwegian Police Shuts Down Nightclubs for playing HipHop and R&B

Taste cops. What sounds like some shit the Nazi's could have done, is really taking place in Europe right now. While Germany forbid profiling years ago, knowing where that ends... Norway goes at it again.

They believe the music attracts wrongdoers. Like individuality is a thing of the past and young partygoers never caused trouble before hiphop entered the scene.

So if the kids can't go out and have fun, what are they going to do? Sit home and become terrorists? Lets guess how long it takes before the whole world ridicules Norway, again. 1 day..? 2 days..? WMA is waiting in awe!

Photo Blå

Car Accident Was Act Of Terror

Everything is Terror. -It's all terror, says the Transport Minister in Chile. -It's such a shame. My cousin was such a great stuntman and thrill seeker, there's nothing he wouldn't do to loose his mind.

-When acts of terror take people away from us, we must not give in, we must not change our ways by giving in to fear, then they win.

-We must not make better roads, we must prevail with our ignorance. Thats what terrorists are for and not only do they want the blame, they deserve the blame.

-Critics claim some people are plain nutcases and should not have access to certain things like vehicles or assault rifles, but I say: don't listen to them. Look at all the awful things the terrorist do. What difference does a little extra do? We don't know half the shit they do. So keep calm and carry on!

Photo Ralph Klein

Erdoğan is a Big Turkey

Gobble gobble. Following the President of Turkey's request to prosecute a German comedian Jan Böhmermann for making fun of him, Comics United has issued the following statement to all news agents, embassies and outdoor toilets:

Erdoğan is a wild Turkey who needs to be tamed and we encourage all walks of life to ridicule him, cause he is the Turkey President of the world!

Photo Kremlin.ru

Black is the New Black

New deal. Wtf, a black Bond?! Yes, get used to it. Rumour has it, their #$&% doing it.

-When Idris Elba puts on the tuxedo he will end racism. He's gonna be so %$&# cool white people will smear shoe polish in their face to imitate him, says Bond producer Bubba Asparagus

-But realistically, where do you find a white guy with balls these days?! Daniel Craig didn't only portray a dying breed, he was the last one.

So, besides bringing a huge dick to the screen, how different will a black 007 be? -Obviously, there will be extended love scenes, but we haven't figured out how to keep the movie under 4 hours. I mean, he's really hung.

Illustration Peggy and Marco Lachmann-Anke

Fees Killed 20 In Economic Accident

In disaster we trust. -The bank fucked up and the customers where killed instantly, says an onlooker at the scene of he crime. According to the Police the bank where stalling payments to gain interest, but thats to complicated to be investigated. -We just accept it.

A total of 3 million people died world wide in fee related accidents last year. Thats 2 million more dead than traffic accidents. Former head of US Nasty Bank Goldman Sachs has this to says in his defence: -"I think people are getting better at using safety belts".

Politicians world wide has no comment...

Illustration Mary Pahlke

Long Time Customer Demand $250.000 In Redress For Involuntary Promotional Work

Back in the USSR. -I have walked this street with advertising for 30 years. The grocery store would not have the position it has in the market place today without my contribution. Yet, those suckers keep all the profitt.

-I now bring my own bag which reads food poisoning and I will use it until I receive my settlement and if I don't I'll use it for the next 30.

Then we should be about even...

Photo Waltteri Paulaharju

IKEA Opens Airport Terminal

IKEA Living. -You can now fly for free to any IKEA in the world and stay at the shopping centre. We're turning it in to a hotel, says Ingvar Kamprad.

-You don't need your house anymore. Come live with us. We'll raise your kids in our ballroom and you don't have to assemble the furniture. We have done it already.

-We got a in-house hospital, you can deliver your baby in our shopping centre. You don't even have to leave. You can live and die here. We have Disneyland in the basement, there's a fotball stadium at the second floor.

-You don't even need your own family, come live with our staff!

Photo Olav Gustaf Johnsen blog

In No Way Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Look Like The Pyramids

Rest in Fame. -That's purely coincidental. Hey, the Egyptians didn't play Rock and Roll, that came 4.600 years later. There weren't even sound back then. Come on! Leave it, says Someone.

-Can't you see it's a hall! Damnit. I'm telling you, it's a hall. It's right there in the name: Hall of Fame! We're honouring our heros, not faraones... Thats soooooooo different!

Photo by David Mark

Art Expert: -This Pitch Is a Fraud

Game on. A football club in trouble tried to sell their pitch on auction at Salisbury.

-It's worthless. Sorry, I can't help them, we don't sell counterfeit, says art dealer Pan Papers.

-To tell the truth, which I never do, not even now or ever, if I where them, I would not try to make money on it and instead let the kids have it.

-Does that make sense at all? It sure as *#$% doesn't to me, but sometimes you got to wing it.

The club remains nameless.

Photo Tom Dehli

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...