The Postman Changes Name To Commercial Man

Junkman. Kids doesn`t recognise Pat's profession. "He's a postman". "What's a postman?". "A man who go home to people with their mail". "So you mean a burglar?". "No, a postman". "okay, I see, a rapist".

Too many parents has had this conversation with their kids about Postman Pat. Once a recognisable character, now a weirdo wherever he go.

"Why does he wear that uniform, is he in the retarded military? What's mail? Is it a kind of Anthrax? Is a mail car a tanks for handicapped? Why is his head so big? Does he have a lot of water in there?

Just a few question parents face these days.

Photo William Mewes

Hollywood Makes Gay Remake Of When Harry Met Sally

When Harry met Harry. -In fact, we're regaying the entire back catalogue. Die Hard will re introduced as Gay Hard. 20% of the audience wants to see these stories from a gay perspective, says studio executive.

-There's a lot of money in gay editions. We already make Chinese versions for China. There's more gays than Chinese! If we can tap into the gay market... it's a global cash cow.

Poster iTunes

Snowden Takes A Tom Hanks At Moscow Airport

The Terminal. The whistleblower went to Hong Kong out of fear from the reaction he would get at home in the United States. Little did he know that wasn't enough. He had to carry on all the way to former US enemy number 1, Russia, to escape it. Word has it he's now on his way to the moon.

Photo A. Savin

If We Knew NSA Got This Exposed We'd Use More Money On Design

Operation huh?! -It's a boring buildings and it's getting more attention than The Louvre. We even have tourists trying to enter the premises. The want to see the treasure. What it's all about. We keep them in the basement.

-And you guys worry about who we spy on? You should come to the premises.

Photo Commons Wikimedia

NSA: Yes We Have Spied In China, But There's Nothing To Steal

Who Framed Roger Rabbit? -There's absolutely nothing. Absolutely positively nothing of interest. Not even to the dumbest of engineers. We're not out to remake the 50's.

-For the Chinese on the other hand... they could spy in Mongolia and find things of interest. They probably do!

Photo Commons Wikimedia

Computer Jesus Escapes The Evil Empire

Liberty Will. -He's the closest you get to Jesus these days, but he must be killed first to obtain that status. If not he'll be forgotten, so they better kill him, says FF.

-So one man really can make a difference... even a white dude in his late twenties. I bet Obama didn`t see that coming. God sure works in mysterious ways.

Photo The Guardian

NSA Only Surveil Harry

! When NSA where accused of listening in to every American phone call and email NSA got furious.

-We only tap into Harry in Minnesota. He's been acting up after he meet Sally. He says things like "I love you honey bunny", buys her flowers. It's all very weird, says NSA.

Harry's friend George says he married 19 times during college and it's typical for him to overdo things. -He wouldn't just say I love you on the phone, he has to climb Mount Everest to say it.

-It might look a bit weird on the computer when you hear him say "I love you" from hundreds of tourist attractions around the world and it's only him going, but thats our Harry.

-I personally think NSA are more worried about his brake ups than some mumbo jumbo. Cause Harry doesn't just brake up. He tries to burn down entire cities. If it's a French woman, he will buy petrol and take the first plane to Paris, but he never gets that far.

-He always falls in love with someone else within a few hours and it's the same story all over again. We've all been there... maybe not at the same scale, but you know, thats our Harry.

Photo soapbeard

Multimillionaire Josè Agree Life In Brazil Has Gotten Way Better

-Who needs a Nobel Peace Prize?! Am I right guys? Yeah!
Slumdog Trillionaire. -Before I was only a millionaire, now I`m a multimillionaire. Who knows what the future holds. Maybe I'll top Forbes List one day. The way things change... it looks promising.

-Life is so much better with 41 cars. Compared to 17 it's awesome. I feel so much more mobile now. And being able to fire people without even thinking about replacing them... it's magic. I don't have to pretend to care anymore.

-Something happened when my income reached the sky. I became above earth. I own this shit now. It belongs to me. I stop by my workers and take a piss on them to remind them: I own you guys.

-I did that to my wife too, publicly. She didn't like it. I had to go through 19 replacements before I found one who do. I know she's playing, but I don't tell. It's part of the game. I get such a kick out of it. When she eventually leave I'll say "but I though you liked piss? I`m doing this for you?!".

-Top that.

Photo karindalziel

NSA Have Fun At Work

Ecological data farming. -We're 1.4 million with a security clearance, we've stopped 50 terrorist attacks in 12 years. There's a LOT of down time.

-There`s a misconception that we're spying on people. We're playing with them, like any other google employee.

-We enter people's brains through computer simulations, kinda like Second Life. Actually it is Second Life. Damn, I should have never said that, damn!

Image ssoosay

Liz Sues Coca-Cola For Copyright Infringement

Pandora's bottle. -I can`t stand that Coca-Cola use my name to spread diabetes. They must stop pretending to be me. I`m not endorsing this product, says Liz.

-As a source of infection to a serious illness, they must wear their name and company logo wherever they are so people can avoid them.

Photo betsyweber

US Citizen Wants NSA Discount From His Phone Operator

-What? It`s not even an assault weapon?!
Deer Hunting In New York City. -I`m not paying for them. If they want to look at my shit, then pay. I demand a 20% cut on all bills dating back to 9/11, says John Ali.

-Hey, don`t look at me. I know my market value. I`m a popular guy. People check my facebook page to see where the action is.

-Tomorrow I`m buying explosives. That`ll sure raise some eyebrows. On Friday I`m heading to New York to get a present for my sister and on Sunday I fly to her wedding in Jemen.

-Hey, I`m making the gold necklace from scratch okay?!

Photo Sassy Wire

Northern Ireland Is The G-Spot

Submit. -I found the resort, it was difficult, but worth it, says Obama about getting to meeting. Putin too came on time, but is not so sure it`s worth it. Angela Merkel is more experience and had no problems finding it.

France always finds a way, whoever they send. Italy too, so they say. Japan however has a tendency to get a bit lost. -It`s not our game. We already know where it is. We don`t look for things we know where are. It`s deep in our culture... It`s a pragmatic thing.

Photo Lough Erne Resort

Darth Vader Got Nothing For Father`s Day

Clown Wars. -Not even a tie. That`s evil. Just the way I like it, says Darth to Space Out Magazine.

-It`s why I didn`t tell Luke I`m his father. Cause he would have given me one. Do you know how stupid I`d look with a tie?

Photo Sam Howzit

John Galliano Is Welcome In Palestine

The Riddler. -We have plenty of room for anti semitism. The more the better. The JG Jew video... wow! says Hamas`fashion curator Abbas.

-We hope he can come to Gaza and design the Springtime For Hitler Collection. It`s already been a movie and a broadway show. Let`s turn it into a Disney on Ice show on the red carpet!

John Galliano`s says he has received a similar offer from Kim Jong-un and that he would rather drink again than accept the offers.


TV Industry Thanks Talent Competition Winner Number 400.000

TV Reality. -If they din`t understand it`s not room for that many stars in Hollywood before they won, their not likely to understand it after either, but they have to, because we`re exchanging them with 400.000 new ones, says tv producer Satania.

By 2050 there will be as many winners as the population of Zimbabwe.

Photo The U.S. Army

Mark Zuckerberg Not Keen On Giving An Interview Right Now

What... me?! Neither is Larry Page or any of the other giants of Silicon Valley. -They rather wait until they got a hot new invention to take the top of the NSA scandal. It better be good, says media analyst.

-It`s like when you lost your virginity, you don`t feel like a conversation with your parents, but you know they now.

Photo b_d_solis

Tiger Woods Mistook Echelon For A Golf Tournament

Tyrannosaurus golf. -It`s sounds like the name of a sponsored game. When I saw the photo I din`t realise the balls where 80 feet high, says Tiger.

-It says a lot about NSA, they got balls. Too bad their juice is artificial.

Photo Commons Wikimedia

NSA Has Agreed To Produce America's Funniest Home Videos

Reality surveillance. Yes, you might appear in it. Satellite surveillance, shopping centre cameras, drone cameras camouflaged as mosquitoes... if you did anything stupid and NSA saw it, which they did cause they see all the stupid shit you do, it`s your Hollywood calling card.

Logo Washington Post

All Foreign Intelligence Subscribe To The Guardian

Guardian Angel. -Sometimes I have difficulties understanding my enemies. Are you fighting or helping us, says chief of Staff at Bangladesh Intelligence.

-We could never pull together the resources to find out this. I`m so glad we spend half our budget on our Guardian subscription.

-The other half went to a second hand laptop so we can access wikileaks. Those two combined and we`re a powerhouse.

 Photo Rev Dan Catt

Dubai Data Farm: There`s At Least 50 NSA`s Around The World

Rock on! -If they only cost $1.2 billion I believe every oil sheik got one. Why not, it`s pocket money, says Dubai Data farmer Ali.

-I know of three. Two had to shut it down cause they only used it for porn. The third still does. I haven`t seen him since he built the complex in 2007. Neither has his wife`s. Every Chinese city got one. It`s not that spectacular...

Photo Jay Tamboli

NSA Want A Camera In Every Pants

Godzilla! -Guess what? We already have it. And there`s more... we got a black box in every foreigners butt. And a microphone inside their brain so we can hear their though before they have them. It`s called pre pre precaution, says NSA Supervisor.

Photo National Geographic

Animals Think Earth Has Been Taken Over By Aliens

-What is this?
Animalistic. -I don`t know what these species are about but they sure do as they please. If we only understood what they`re here for so we could move around them, says Bernie the Reindeer.

-I`ve lost so many to these earth ships. Boom, your hit. Boom, your down. Boom, for no reason. No one ate them. No one, they just let them lie there...

-It`s the most narcissistic evil creatures in space. If only they could go back. Imagine that, no aliens on our planet. God that would be good.

Photo JanneM

Nadeem Has Been Stuck In Traffic For 3 Years

Stuck in life. -There`a few things I didn`t anticipate when I bought the car, like I would notice trees grow or see rust spread on cars ahead of me.

-Journalist ask which albums would you bring to a deserted island, they should ask which would you bring in your car.

-The people at work must have thought I left. My boss have stopped calling. I told him I was stuck in traffic. After 6 weeks he hanged up on me.

-My wife has probably left too. I ran out of batteries last time we talked, two years ago. She must have thought I was with someone else. I was, I was with my car. I think that was it for her.

Photo Lingaraj G J

NSA Admit It Was Too Bold To Spy On Mankind And Not Be Detected

NSA is not comfortable with the kind of attention it give
to others.
Imperial Death Star. The Guardian is making a name for itself when being the first out of 7 billion people to reveal we`re all being spied on. -NSA had it coming. I mean, they knew by the time the journalist typed the story, but they had it coming.

-It`s not like we would discover it if they hadn`t done it or wouldn`t want to be revealed. I find it hard to believe they would sponsor a terrorist attack campaign featuring ads informing the public that the government is listening.

-It wouldn`t have the same impact. It would be rather sad rally. "It`s that all you got? Really, no phones? Wow!" That would backfire. Potential meatheads would take up terror like soccer.

Photo NSA

PRISM Is Part Of Obama Care

Prisoner of view. -The government sees things differently. How can that be so surprising? responds Obama to the surveillance outrage. -Have you seen the cover of the Pink Floyd album The Dark Side of the Moon?

-Get it and get politics.

Photo Center for American Progress Action Fund

NSA Use Metadata To Detect Internal Terrorist Attacks

It all goes here.
Not So fAst. -We`re mining through the entire world info to detect cancer and other lethal diseases. We come to learn that terrorists only kill a fraction of the people dying.

-The real enemy is cancer, obesity and traffic accidents. We`re going after them now in the No Danger Left Behind program.

Photo Binder.donedat

Boxer Hits On Woman

Domestic dating. -She`s a total knockout. I have to give it my best, says Sugar Ray Lennon before he punch his new love to the ground.

-Damn, I went to hard on her. I should have gone with an uppercut to soften it up. This is why dating is so difficult, they all fall for me.

Photo I .. C .. U

Terrorists Tell Americans Not Take Themselves So Seriously

Ali Bang Bang. -We`re focusing on China now, but we have problems getting the news out there. China doesn`t report it.

-The media works different there. When we succeed you hear nothing, when we screw up you hear everything.

-And the people too, there is nobody within the system who sympathise with us. It`s like why are we doing this?

Photo maHidoodi

Crime Writer Wrote Novel On Illegal Pad

Busted. -It's the best novel I've ever read and I can't publish it. I have to turn it in, says the publisher at Action Books.

-I keep telling the writer if you want to make it in this business you can't saw down the branch your sitting on. It's the fifth book he writes on stolen paper. It's a catastrophe. His wife tell me he's writing out of hate of trees. I believe her.

Photo owlpacino

Celebrity Go On Web Shows To Promote His New Thing

Few media. -I hope we can boost the sales of my new thing with one item, says big shot after doing 30 shows in a row. It`s worth it if I connect with that one customer. That one person who is willing to spend 30 bucks on me.

-If I do 400 shows a week, for a whole year, it might have the same impact as not getting on Letterman.

 Photo betsyweber

Mission Impossible 3D Printer For Home Use

Home Improvement. Afraid of being caught cheating on your spouse? The MI 3D printer fixes that. Need a tool fast? Or a gun to shoot a burglar? MI 3D is your friend in distress.

The printer gets you out of all kinds of trouble. New inflatable car? No problem. Make your inventory royal? Or did you want a new house?

Photo Radio Free Europe Radio Liberty

Spy Spies On Spy Spying On Spies

Housekeeping. Everybody at the International Spy Museum is a suspect. -Our staff blends in with the visitors to seek out those planing to attack or steal knowledge, says director Secretson.

-If our exhibition leaked to the public we have to shut down the entire operation. If visitors can see what we are showing there's no point of coming.

Photo cliff1066™

Cycle Seat Sick Off Butt Sweat

Please be seated. -People step on me and sweat on me and I have to take it time after time. I hate fitness studios. It`s the worst for us. It`s like being sent to Auschwitz.

-As a bike I`m a 40`s jew to begin with. There`s no place for me in this world. It`s only slave stuff, but some are worse than others. Being a mountain bike isn`t that bad.

-Tour de France is gas chamber. No doubt. Constant farting, sweating, and ball juice. They even use bananas to moister their crotch. Ugh! That`s seriously a nasty lubricant. Brrr!

Photo Swastiverma

Sweden Destroys Homes Belonging To Rioters

Shitheads. Swedish authorities have gathered the identity of every rioter in the Stockholm nightmare and put together a multi damage force to burn down their cars and homes.

-We`re withdrawing our armed forces in Afghanistan for this, says mission destroy general No More Bullshit.

-It`s our way of showing our disappointment with the immigrants. They could have made something out of themselves. At least contributed on some level. Not just sit there for years and burn it to the ground.

-We will be way more aggressive. Ha ha ha. HA HA HA! Let`s bring Afghanistan to Sweden!

Photo Commons Wikimedia

NASA In Shock, Google Has Already Mapped Out Mars

Google Space. Larry Page and his scientists at the googleplex has already had their drones working on Mars for 5 years when NASA hit the stage with their Curiosity.

-It was kinda old fashioned. I would never go for a 18th century type of vehicle in space. Not on this milky road. Too much astroids, but you know. State money... no competition. You get what you pay for.

-Our planet view is in hi def 3D on your phone, not the news, baby.

Photo wikimedia commons

Terrorist Leaders Send Flowers To Western Media

Money makes the fight go on. Terrorist leaders based in the Afghan mountains send their thanks to news desks after spreading their message free of charge for more than 10 years.

-We could never put up the money for that kind of advertising. Certainly not now, says the terrorists.

-Western media has been crucial to us. We could not have done this without them. We would certainly not come as far.

-It`s time we acknowledge that and to show our gratitude we kindly ask for a 10% share of the profits made cause there`s no way they could have made that kinda money without us.

-Pay or pay the price!

Photo sHIFT Focus

If Nurses Where Valued Like Stars, Renée Would Make $1.3 Billion

Cash is queen. -If that was the case when I grew up I would be a nurse, no doubt. 3 years - done! Have you got any idea of how long it took me to get that kind a salary in Hollywood? asks Renée Zellweger.

-I could have done 3 masters in that time. Not that I would, but I could.

-Most actors, musicians... artists in general, would seek out the health sector. Maybe it`s a good thing they don`t. I have a feeling the service wouldn`t be the same.

-Come to think of it, thats probably why we pay them these ridiculous salaries - too stay out.

Photo Nurse Betty Soundtrack

Prague To Open World Largest Harbour

In deep land. 496 km² of pure shipping and 1.3 million dock workers. -It`s the only way I know how to deal with this flood, says the Mayor of the Czech capital.

-It keeps coming back every year. Simon and Garfunkel can sing all they want. There`s no way to bridge this troubled water. Either somebody drinks it or we build the docks.

Photo vodosbor

After 4 Days Of Fighting Rioter And Police Take A Break

Home run. -I don`t know what`s it`s about. I`m here on holiday and it`s been the best f#%*& 4 days of my life, says Mark

-I can`t complain about this. I get to bang chicks and smash buildings. My two favourite activities. Finally I find a place who values the same things as me.

-Normally I get prison for this.

Photo xmacex

Woman Favorite In Iran`s Presidential Election

Born to run. With the support of the Supreme Leader and the Iranian public 5 year old Israeli born Katinka Bush is the favourite leading up to the election.

-She has no problem defeating the men. Her way of handling reality is something they can`t match. She can make grown ups cry, says UN Election Inspector Giljotine Francis and adds how could it possibly be any worse...?

Photo mangostar

Terrorists Stay Out Of Bangladesh - Too Dangerous

House of Cards. -We would never set off a bomb there. Chances something else kills us is too high, says suicide bomber waiting in what he jokingly calls death row.

-I wouldn`t get my virgins. I`m in it for the babes. Screw the mission.

-Besides, we use textiles to make our bombs. Why would we want to kill our suppliers? Do you know how many pants it takes to make one bomb?

-I thought so.

Photo rijans