Santa's On Steroids

Tour de World. Santa Claus tested positive in a drug test before Xmas and has been banned from Xmas for 2 years. -This is ridiculous, says Santa to BBC North Pole.

-How the #@$% can I get this done without it? There's too many kids! Too many addresses. I got one day?! Jesus, I'm not Jesus!

-Do you think Rudolph help? Seriously, an animal? Give me a stealth jet fighter or shut up. It's either that or drugs.

Photo Frankzed

The Virgin Galactic Explosion Looked Like Popcorn in the Sky

Explod-O-Pop. -Like a massive bowl of popcorn, the kind of size you would go for after smoking a joint of legal marihuana, says ground operator Bill Shift.

-The kind you go for when you think you can fly. When your high enough to believe boundaries doesn't apply to you.

Illustration Sam Churchill

Binge-Watch For A Good Cause

Breaking good. -People run marathons for charity. They put on fund raising shows and all sorts of shit. I though to myself, it got to be an easier way to do this...

Photo Al Lbrahim

Halloween Came Early to the Canadian Parliament

What do you expect? The shooter failed at scaring 35 million Canadians to join the Islamic State. Ottawa Police issued the following statement after the incident:

-The terrorist is dead and the world continues without him.

Photo Tsai project

Key Members of IOC Taken Out By Special Forces

Cash against humanity. The UN approved coalition against corruption lead by South Africa is proud to announce 5 European countries has joined the alliance.

-Without the support of these 5 western countries it would be difficult for us to legitimise the military action taken against the IOC headquarter in Switzerland.

-The President of the Olympic Committee was buried underneath the Fisht Olympic Stadium in Sochi within 24 hours of death. He was hiding in the town Lausanne. Corrupt leaders should know this, there is no safe house for white collar crime. We will hunt you down wherever you are.

Photo Marion Doss

The Writer behind Women in Space & Women in Combat is Out with the New Book: Women in Fast Food Restaurants

♀ & A. -As I was writing these books about amazing women I noticed there where a lot of them who'd rather sit at home watch television than go to space. In fact 99.999% choose earth in any given situation.

-So it hit me, why would these women strive for second best when their already #1? If giving birth isn't the biggest miracle on earth what is? I sat down and talked to these women who doesn't want to a soldier, CEO or an astronaut and surprisingly to me, they where quite happy with the men doing all the work.

-I asked myself why am I writing these books about amazing women when the majority isn't up for it? Money! And now I got a new subject!

Photo Trevor Cummings

Kim Jong-Un Found In All You Can Eat Restaurant

Deal with it. -They have a eat till you drop offer and Kim is still standing. 37 days, man. He's going for the world record times ten! says North Korean insider.

Photo IBT

Michael Jackson Fans, Get Ready For Thriller Ebola Edition

Bad. Too bad Michael wasn't around for the breakout, he would have loved it - in his own special way. Some people make art of the darkest nightmare.

Thriller on iTunes/Amazon

When Asked What Fragrance He Use, Elon Musk Says Electricity

Loaded. -Nothing attracts women like the scent of an electric sports car. And being the guy behind PayPal doesn't hurt either. But enough about that, I'm tired of doing it on earth. I want to spread my musk in space.

-I cant call my company SpaceX for SpaceSex, even though thats the intention behind the mars mission. It's a long ride. Gotta do something, right?!

Photo Brian Solis

17 and Queen of the World

Elizabeth III. Teenage ignorance can pay off. When taking on an enemy like the Taliban its an advantage to be completely oblivious to the threat at hand. No matter how great the cause, being young and stupid is greater when facing all time bandits like the women hating Taliban.

The award inspire girls all over the world to fight for their right. -If I knew I could get shot in the face, get a facial and the Nobel Prize, I would have done it first, says one of her school friends.

-I'm telling you, there's going to be lots of girls in the running next year. I'm sure getting one before she gets another. There won't be space left for the boys.

Photo Claude TRUONG-NGOC

Teenager Won The Nobel Peace Prize, What's Next, Children?

Lucky Lucy. -We're considering dogs. Dogs are mans best friend. No other creature on earth has done more to calm down mankind over the years than our four legged friend, besides prostitutes, says the Nobel committee.

-At some point we're thinking of just giving it away. Totally random, like a lottery. Throw it in a park. Whoever find it, win.

Photo The Norwegian Primeminister's Office

Ebola: -"Here I Come!"

"I'm the king of the world". Ebola is certainly making a name for itself these days by taking names and spreading across continents like a terrorists wet dream.

There's no cure for nature. This time it's coming for us all.

Photo European Commission DG ECHO

If Nobody Apply For The Olympics, IOC Has To Beg Cities To Host It

The IOC Gangster Headquarter
Fairer, cheaper, reasonable. -I wouldn't sleep with the President of IOC, so he would have to try other tricks to court us, like paying the whole thing, says the Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel.

Photo Siege cio

United Kingdom To Elect If They Want To Keep Scotland

Catch 22. -They didn't see that coming did they, bloody Scots, says voters. According to street talk Brits are anxious to get rid of those bloody Scotsmen.

-They take up too much time you kno, talking bull, nobody understands them either. It's like a nation of retards, so let them have it. See how that goes... Nobody talks about the great Scottish Empire.

Photo Warren Rohner

The ISIS Executioner Used Niqab Since He Was A Little Boy

Girly boy. -My face is so ugly people wouldn't watch the beheading videos if I showed it. It's that ugly, says the guy with the balaclava.

-It looks like someone threw acid in my face, except nobody did, I'm that repulsive.

-People throw up when they see me. Imagine what dating was like to me. Lets face it. I got issues.

Photo The Guardian

North Korea Aim Nukes At Moscow

-The bastard is stealing my act.
Vladimir Putistan. Not entirely cool with whats happening in Ukraine, Kim Jong-un order military exercise on the Russian border. -We could be the next Crimea unless I take action. This country is not big enough for 2 dictators.

-Only I get to invade North Korea.

Photo KNCA

Isis In Talks With Ben & Jerry About Their Own Ice Cream Flavour

Mouthful. -It's gonna taste like shit. It'l have rocks and dirt in it. We want it to be so disgusting everybody talks about it, says Isis.

-Basically it's a mix of everything you don't want in your mouth. Our goal is to scare everybody from eating it. We got just the receipt for that.

Photo Pan-Arabia Enquier


Putin Wants More News Coverage Than Any Other President In The World

PlayStation. War is the only way to get headlines. If finding the AIDS cure did, Putin would be on it. Sad, but true. It's how the world works.

Any leader with respect for themselves starts a war.

Photo Kremlin

6 Year Olds Not Afraid of Messing With Putin

-I can see Russia from here.
No Respect. -My dad says he's an idiot. I'll beat him up any day. If he comes to my kindergarden I'll #@*k him up.

-Mommy say no when I take whatever I want. Putin is lucky with his mommy. We should change moms.

-I'm more afraid of dad farting than nuclear bombs.

Photo Mats Eriksson

iPhone 6 With Taser App

Kill Your Darlings. -It's only a matter of time before the Star Wars light sabre app will be available, says Industrial Light & Magic at the Skywalker ranch.

-We can only get so far effect wise inside movies. We reached the end a few years ago so we're focusing on real life effects these days.

-A Transformers app is in the works. That'll sure blow some minds. Remember the old car phones? It's the other way around. It's a foldable car inside the phone.

Photo Slashgear

-Ice Bucket Challenge? NO THANKS!

Melting Plot. -I'm not even going to explain that one. What are you humans doing. What on earth are you up to? Not even a person with Lou Gehrig's disease would do that, says the Polar bear.

-Do you want to swop places..? I'm in - anytime.

Photo Happy Jack

George W. Bush Presidential Library No 1 Destination For Party Animals

Only in America.
Word. -It's basically turned into a frat house. We noticed it on our opening day. There was a lot of request for books about cocaine addition, but nobody read them. Two minutes later we would find them on the floor somewhere, says the librarian.

-The toilets where really popular in the beginning. Everybody had to go to there all the time. So we figured out we got to find a way to get these people to read. The answer was much easier than anticipated; beer.

-It's much better to drink and read than drink and drive. How drunk can you get on beer really? So we introduced a two drink minimum. Now, the toilets are used for vomiting and urinating volumes of piss. And the kids are reading again. Who said they don't like litterature?

-We're lending out so much easy listening books and erotic fiction we're putting bookstores to shame. Their only closing down cause they don't know how to run them. You got to know your audience.

-And parents don't have to worry about their teenagers going to some bad gangster party on Friday night, cause they know there's no drinking pressure at the George W. Bush Presidential Library, but we have to give people a choice. Who knows, one day they might become President too. All it takes is the right parents.

-Books is certainly not taking you that far.

Map Google Maps

Caught Cheating On His Wife On Google Street View

U-Turn. -I was looking for directions to my best friends new place and there he was banging her right in front of me on my iPad, says Sharon.

-I drove over immediately. I was too furious to realise it wasn't live. When I smashed my way into the bedroom, braking furniture for thousands of dollars, suddenly I too had some explaining to do since neither of them was there.

-So I let him have it. What are friends for? You can't buy love.

Photo Robbie Shade

-The Nobel Peace Prize Should Be Dynamite Not Award Money

-There's a few things I want to get off my chest. This is very close to my 
heart.
Satisfaction. -It's completely misunderstood. Nobel invented dynamite. He understood we would use this on ourselves, lets use it on the bad ones. He tried to set a standard, says Keith Richards.

-When Obama got it, he got a licence to blow up the world. He could have ended the misery in the Middle East the next day, but he didn't, cause he got cash.

-What difference does a few lousy millions do? It's not enough to build a school. The winner should get the prize money in bombs who expire 2 days after the award ceremony.

Photo Wikipedia

Putin Marks Territory In Eastern Ukraine

Redrawing the world map. -I urinate on the buildings I want and I take a dump on those we can bomb, says Putin.

-I have to drink beer to keep this up. I've never been unable to come up with enough shit and piss. This is new for me .

-It's a bit humiliating taking off my pants in the middle of the road and take a shit. It's not the kind of thing I'm used too. I mean, not publicly.

Photo azattyp.org

Luxembourg Seek Peace Treaty with Russia

Make a wish. -But we're not at war, says Putin. -Thats's right, but we never know when your in charge, points the prime minister of Luxembourg out.

-Judging from what you're doing in Eastern Europe building your own little mini Russia in the heart of Europe doesn't seem too far off.

-Think about it. You don't have the balls to invade Germany. They'll put up a hell of a fight, but Luxembourg? It's a walk in the park.

Photo Sludge G

-I Get A Lot Of Pussy

Ladies horse. -It's so big they have to see it. It's like this need they have. I'm not even trying. Yet I'm the most popular man in town.

-It's weird. Every date I'm on they reserve table for 10. Just because I'm hung like a horse it doesn't mean I eat like one. Having that said, I can gain 40 pounds and women don't care. Their not seeing me for my fitness.

-I hear guys get big shoes with silicon. I understand them. Don't underestimate the power of size. But the ladies will be disappointed when they realise it's a garden hose.

Photo Business Insider

Snowy Egret Doesn't Care About Punk Rock

Bad to the bone. -He's only interested in sex, food and sleep. Exactly like the Sex Pistols, says wildlife observer Pat from Florida.

-I bet he cares as little about flying as the Pistols does about their music.

Photo Andy Morffew

What Where They Thinking?

Aircastle. -They weren't, they where dreamers, but somehow they managed to build it. They must have been so stoned. Hashish came much later, but one can evoke the same feeling by being high on oneself, especially in Kremlin, says local.

-I think people where happy the leaders was occupied with building rather than people.

-Thats why you see these flagship buildings around the world. Good times.

Photo Wikipedia

Old Study Shows Scientists Tried To Solve Problem

Old is the new ancient. -I can't figure out what the problem was, but it seems like they tried very hard to fix it. What surprised me the most was how well developed they where. They had their own language, surprisingly close to ours, they had cars, planes, electricity...

-It amazes me that the civilisations before us could get that far before they collapsed.

Photo Tulane Public Relations

Ebola Doctor: -It Can Solve The Population Problem

Thoughts from the isolation room. -Ebola can wipe out hundreds of millions of people. As long as so many scientists die trying to find a cure, maybe we should let them die, says Ebola doctor Francis Chicken.

-It could solve unexpected problems. Like traffic jams. Suddenly there is too much food in the world. AIDS stops being a problem cause everybody dies of Ebola.

Photo pingnews.com

Putin's Bucket List

10 years to go.
-Invade Country.
-Shoot down plane.
-Go nuts in Vegas with Angela Merkel.
-Ride a gorilla.
-Drink Vodka on the Moon.
-Be the most unpopular person in America.
-Destabilise everything.
-Bring the world to brick of Nuclear War.
-Sign peace treaty.
-Destroy earth.

Photo Kremlin

It's Not Jews and Palestinians who's Fighting - It's Humans

Labelmakers. Humans are the only species on earth dumb enough to believe humans can be anything else than humans. Too the excitant that they kill them. Every other creature on earth is pretty damn sure who they deal with when their among their own.

Not to say they don't kill each other. They just do it for other reason. Survival. Humans on the other hand, is so obsessed with their self image they forget who they are. They have enough food, but the first thing they do when they wake up in the morning is looking in the mirror.

And humans doesn't only define themselves, they define each other too. For whatever reason, they devaluate an image every now and then. If you happen to have that label, your in deep shit. Everybody is out to kill you.

There's no logic to it. Suddenly a colour comes out of fashion. An origin or heritage becomes unpopular. An age, a gender, a condition... you name it. Mostly anything under the sun is up for grabs.

To distract attention from this horrible caste system humans tell themselves you don't choose your parents when you born into this world. Truth is, you don't choose your labels.

Foto NASA

Planes: Fire & Rescue Straight To Netflix in Eastern Ukraine

Black Hawk Down. -We're not risking Russian Rebels mistaking the movie for an international flight, says the entertainment giant in a press release to the Ukrainian cinema goers.

-We're Disney, we don't negotiate with separatist.

Poster Disney's Planes: Fire & Rescue

-Damn!

-I need 10 Snowdens right now.
The Industrial Media War. The whole world ask questions about the plane that was shot down  in pro Russian separatist territory inside Eastern Ukraine.

-How do I talk myself out of this one?

-Dammit. Hamas shoots thousands of rockets into Israel and can't hit a thing and my guys shoots one rocket and hits a passenger plane.

-I could blame it on the jews or shot down another one to shut them up. Hmm mm m. I think I'll have pancakes for dinner tonight.

Photo Kremlin

Rap Community Not Cool With Ex-Terrorists

American Bad. -Nah, not cool, man. Nope. No. That's a definitive no. You are not welcome! says Diddy.

-I'm not in a position to judge other people for their wrongdoings, but we got to draw the line somewhere. If your on the terrorist list... Man, we rap about nigger shit, not NSA.

-I mean how f#@ked up are you? How can a 13 year old white wannabe growing up in the suburbs ever relate to that? It's bullshit. I'm not producing that shit. I'm not even touching it.

-If any of those Jihad Jerks shows up in my studio I'll call the cops and I never call the cops. Never!

Photo Commons Wikimedia

-"The Food Sucks", says Londoner About Life as a Terrorist

Dumb & Dumber 3. -I ate a lot of shit before I converted into hardcore Islam, but now my diet is even shittier. USA always nag about whats in our heads, but never care about whats in our stomachs.

-Man, the shit I got to eat... If you think our hearts and minds are full of toxic waste, wait till you see what comes out of my ass. It's f@#king poisonous.

-I can kill people with my toilet dumplings. I don't need explosives. I just go into the toilet onboard a plane or in a mega city... man down.

-It's actually been like this for years. We stopped using suicide bombs before 9/11, but who will acknowledge explosive diarrhea destroyed half a train station?

-It's humiliating, but I eat more fast food than I did on the doll. Global terrorists have an understanding, "What happens at McDonalds stays at McDonalds". It's not like Jihad is gonna make me start cooking?!

- If I ever get caught my backup lie is research. I do a lot of research. It's one of the perks with this "job". I try to eat as many burgers as I can, before I eventually, die on the job. It's not like a healthy diet is gonna make me live longer, now is it.

Photo digitalpimp.

ISIS Seeks Mega Morons

Nobody Want You. -We're looking for the biggest f@#kups. Smart enough to fire a gun, but stupid enough to believe in fairytales, says social media terrorist Bulla.

-Are you a big disaster? A huge disappointment?

-We have just what you need! The only thing that can make your life even worse.

-Death.

Photo Wikipedia

Putin Supports Peace Price To Snowden -I'll Accept It On His Behalf

Newsblower. Vladimir Putin says in an interview with Russian TV that he's more than happy to give Obama a little kick at the Nobel Ceremony. -I'll bring Snowden. Take him for a walk in front of the world media. I'd love to do that.

-I'm taking him on an Anti-Western Tour anyway. We'll travel in my nuclear sub, Water Force 1 and stop for pictures and interviews in every major city. Whoever tries to catch him gets to taste the nukes. What better place to kick it of than the Nobel Peace Price?!

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Arabs Ignore How Scandinavia Became A Peace Loving Continent

Jesus... Go back in time and Scandinavia was as violent as the Middle East today. The Vikings was the terrorists of the days. Feared by everyone. How did they go from Vikings to Volvo? Christianity...

-That is one word Muslims don't want to hear. Especially as a solution to their problems, says Imam Allah.

-I know Christianity brought the idea of forgiveness to the world and that made it possible for the Vikings to live with each other.

-But it was introduced by the most violent and feared Viking of them all, Olaf II of Norway. In 1030 he took on the whole Nation in the Battle of Stiklestad. He lost, but won the fight.

-You have to be a total meathead to do this in the Middle East today. ISIS and Al Qaeda aren't crazy enough. They don't have the balls to go against their own. The least take on the entire muslim world in one great battle for Christianity.

Map Pakistan Defence

ISIS: The New Kids On The Block

Guitar gun solo. Watch out for their new album S.C.A.R.Y. cause it's scary like shit, says the promoter. -Actually it's so scary nobody dares listen to it, but they buy it when sales point guns at their heads.

-We've sold 2000 copies without firing a bullet. Then we fired a few and sold another amazing 29 million copies. It's mind boggling how eager people are when they see a gun.

-We are the most lovefeared Jihad artist around. Nobody is more scared than our target audience and it's growing. Soon we'll be the biggest act in town.

Sport Actors Guild Appalled By Bad Diving. -You Can Do Worse Than That!

Fake it till you make it. Carlos Eccentricos, two time Academy Award winner for best male diving, speaks up against the poor acting skills among male football player.

-This World Cup has been revealing. There's a lot of bad acting going on. I teach a masterclass in diving at the FIFA Institute of Performing Sports. The players in the World Cup are as bad as the first year students. 

-To be a great diver it's important to understand the game, yourself and the people around you. Women are genetically better at this than men who never understand how shitty it looks when they do it. I call the area outside the goal ladies room. -It all about using your emotions, sensitivities and manipulative skills. It's not lying, it's just suggesting... you suggest you where taken down. Nothing wrong in that. 

-It's mens macho image who ruins it for them. When they fake an injury they do it like they've been overrun by a tank. It's so not believable. To be a great diver you have to open up, let go and be a pussy. Thats why transvestites make the best players. They enter the goal area like they've had a sex operation. 

Photo FIFA

Japan Cracks Down On Dancing While Allowing Prostitution

Freedom of movement. Japan has shaken the dust of an old law who forbids dancing. In the old empire it was seen as dangerous because it could lead to sexual behaviour. Has it ever occurred the law enforcement to ask themselves if prostitution does the same?

As hosts of the Olympics in 2020, Japan might reconsider the Al Qaida message their currently sending to the world. If not, there is hope. The Hiroshima Badass Band Gangbang Japan is not afraid to challenge the authorities. This weekend and every weekend to come for as long as it takes, they will arrange their all time hit club concept MonsterSex. 

-We're broadcasting it live on youtube. If the police wants to storm it their welcome to make asses of themselves to the international community. And for those who like to come, the dress code is condoms and shoes.

Poster Stockgraphicdesigns

Alberto In The Favela: -Brazil Should Have Spent $86 Million On Me

Nutcase. -I got two balls. I don't need to run around for another one. The least kick it back into the sack. My balls doesn't fall out.

-I understand that if you only have one you want to win to get the other, but I already got two. It's 2-0 before I enter the stadium. Hey! I'd pay $86 million to se an old dude score double goals with his balls.

Photo Daniel Zanini H.

Apple First Company To Get a Star At Hollywood Walk of Fame

Starstruck. Getting a star at 38 is early, at that age it's mostly reserved car crashers. So it's more a reflection of how huge they really are.

Apple has ruled the world for more than a decade now and it's still exploding. There will probably be several stars later on to reflect their standing among the stars.

Photo Apple

25 Years Since The Chinese Authorities Killed A Whole Bunch Of People

-I've lost my shoe. I think it's under the tank. Can you move aside, please.
So I can have a look.
Cinderella Square. -They died for nothing, says Chinese Historian Yum Yum. No other country has dumped so many into poverty and left them there 50 years before feeding some of them.

-In 1949, 4 years after the Second World War, Communism seemed like the better alternative. We saw what democracy led to.

-Then we somehow managed to kill 30 million people without a war. By the 80s it was like Jesus Christ. Thankfully democracies helped us recover by exploiting our work force.

XXX-Men Nights of Future Fun Didn't Slip Though The PG-13 Rating

X-Men Orgies. The 4 hour long porn opus was cut down to 4 seconds by the censors who admittedly enjoyed it, but hey, kids are watching.

-Not that they can't access the same online, but we can't put it on the big screen. After all, we still have some double standards. Make it violent and we'll let it pass, states the Motion Picture Assholes of America.

Photo/Tickets X-MenMovies.com


The Hairdressers Who Cut The Chinese Leaders Don’t Take Any Risks

One world one haircut. -We go for the stability look, says Mingli.  We have to get permission to cut every single hair. There’s no time to fool around with the latest trends. The fashion change before we finish, so the result would be devastating. Imagine the Paramount Leader with a Mohawk?!

Photo Lars Plougmann

Fire Department Expect Less Wildfires As People Switch To E-Cigarettes

Smokey and the Bandit. -I don't know if I should be firing or crying. I wont need half the fighters I have today. I might even be out of a job myself, says Fire Chief Alberto Jose in San Diego, California.

-Guys like us need the action. Since there's so little to do, some of my best men began robbing banks. The rest became street fighters. Domestic fires are already down. I can't fix the numbers forever. Damn you e-cig. Your'e killing me and I don't smoke!

Photo Miramar Fire Department

Throwing Governments Becomes New Olympic Event

Country fighting. Thailand and Egypt has already qualified. Despite many attempts, Syria don't make the minimum requirement. Still, lots of things can happen before Rio 2016.  North Korea and Afghanistan are definitely among the runner ups and who knows, there might be another giant surprise from Asia.

Photo Adrian8_8

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...