The Vatican options Steve Jobs biography for possible Bible rewrite

The awesome testament. In a desperate attempt to sex up the Bible the pope and his gang of old men want to squeeze inn a chapter with Steve Jobs in the holy book. -We discussed introducing a page 3 girl but that did not go down well. Therefor we hope the brain of cosmic computer genius Steve Jobs will be enough, but no f*@#ing way we`ll show the apple logo. It goes against everything we stand for except little boys. We hope this stunt will attract new customers and bring fresh money into our overloaded bank accounts. We don`t even count money anymore, we count banks he he. HAH HAH HAH! Sweet Jesus! 

Photo Emilio García

Individual feels so #*@% special knowing it`s 7 billion more like him

The one. -I feel like the chosen one, says Lowrider. -Like I`m the only one, except for the other who are exactly like me and could replace me anytime should I not be able to deliver. But there`s something special to that, having 7 billions ready to take my place. Who else has that? Who else can call in late for work and say someone will cover for me when you hire someone new? Only I can that cause nobody else has the balls to be as sleazy as I.

Photo jondoeforty1

Tourist not impressed with mankind after visiting cradle of humanity

Evolution of disappointment. -What is there to be blown away by? This is where human beings came into existence 2.5 million years ago and we developed into us?!!! Look at what Steve Jobs did in 10 years. The Gods must be joking with us. They have had all the time in the world and no one had the balls to say this is how you do it? They must be a bunch of Microsoft engineers or Yahoo! guys.

Photo flowcomm

After 9 billion bullets, one finally hit Gaddafi

Libyas dead man. The United Nations denies the intention with firing 9 billion bullets at Gaddafi was to kill him. -They where warning shots.The bomb flights too. Just warnings. Now that the colonel is dead the UN dont know who to spend their bullets at. With the Afghan war coming to a close and no other major conflicts in sight they will temporary shoot at the moon to keep their weapons warm untill the next war comes along.

Image ssoosay

The financial elite is pissing in their pants

Tell your boss. Sales of adult diapers has gone through the roof at international stock markets. - I hate to ruin my expensive suit, therefore I grabbed my sons diapers this morning. I need it more than him right now, says the stock broker who hates to admit he hopes his little son doesn`t need them, but involuntarily know he will every 4th hour. They sell it at Tiffany's now under the slogan "Not in your pants?!".

Photo david_shankbone

Get ready for Tourette Society`s anal meeting

Dancescript. The Tourette Society`s annual meeting turns into a shitball every year. Usually it don`t last more than a few minutes before nasty take over. This year it didn`t even get started before the monkeys got at it. The following is a transcript the club by law has to record for insurance reasons.

-I hereby declare the mee... meee... me... . FUCK!!!! FUUUCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hereby declare the meet meet meeting ing meeting o O o op FUCK! MOTHERFUCKER KILL JUICE Balllicker assmunkey Bullpork ARk! OPEN!

-First off we have to decide whether or not to raise the membership fee with 50 $. Raise your hands in favor... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 TRAITORS, FUCK MONKEYS!!!! ÆÆÆÆÆÆH!!!!! 9,10,11,12 FUCK!

-Against... 1,2,3...3 3?! ??? I`LL KILL YOU!!! ÆÆÆH!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!!! Fuck this. Mettings closed!  Ass bitches!

Photo Eric and Christian

Julian Assange alerts more trouble. -It will be louder than Metallica!

Leak concert. WikiLeaks has booked the O2 Arena in London on the next leak tour. -We`re counting on massive reactions from the crowd. The controversial RockLeaker has put together the loudest sound system ever not to let the audience disturb him. -You can hear my voice on the moon. There`s no way anyone can override it. It`s too loud, it`s so loud it will fill the entire atmosphere, says Assange.

Photo markescapes

Obama admits he liked white women in his days

President appeal. -I shagged quite a few. Tons... Chicks called my fraternity the meatpounding district. The campus guys though the guys living there got a lot of pussy, but it was just me. I shagged them all. Day and night. But that was all in my college days. I`m married now to beautiful Michelle. But she`s no stranger to dick. She`s certainly had her share.

Photo jurvetson

Maradona was allergic to artificial turf

Jointball. -When I smoked it I got this bad cough and rash all over my body. But you know I couldn`t play on normal grass cause I would start cutting it and make myself a joint when no one was watching.

-I never fell to get a penalty. I needed some grass. I was a smokeballer. How else do you think I came up with the ideas for those fantastic goals? It was the pot. I`m a pothead. A professional potplayer.

Photo Amarhgil

The black economy goes like hell

Financial money rush. -Never been better, man. Greace is on fucking fire. Colombia rocks like rocket dope. Spain is coming alone nicely, Portugal too. Italy has always been on the other side. Germany is a sad story. They either go all the way or not at all. The Nazi shit is still too recent...

-Asia is a freaking paradise. You got nutheads running every second country with total control. What more can you ask for? Africa is the only continent who could top that in fraud and corruption, but the efficiency... The Middle East? Forget it. I mean, it`s corrupt like hell, but even gangsters got standards. Central & South America will always be a good place. Especially Argentina. With so much natzi blood running around it has to be, says the Shadow.

Photo AndYaDontStop

THX change their slogan to nobody is listening

The audience is talking. The company announced the change of attitude in a press release since nobody came to their press conference.

-Their all sitting with their mePhones and BitchBerries, says a sound engineer at THX. We didn`t even put on the sound track on the last movie we put out. Guess what, nobody noticed. Not as in they didn`t notice, they didn`t notice the film.

Photo (Wikimedia Commons) THX

The iMan

ComputerMe. Was he Jesus? Yes he was. Here are some clues. He ate from the tree of knowledge. He turned an apple into Mac, iPad, iPhone, iPod, iTunes, App Store, a Cloud and fed the world. Quite an improvement from 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish! The guy walked on technology...


He had the whole world in his mouth

Take a bite. Earth was listening... not since the return of God some 2000 plus minus years ago, depending on your religion, has a press conference caused more halleluja among the chosen.

Rumors in heaven has it Jesus wasn`t so thrilled with Jobs and worried about his big return. "Leave some tricks for me! How can I get peoples attention after your version of the apple? Ours clearly suck in comparison!".

"I can`t do the waterwalk again. The moonwalk is taken, besides it`s too far away. Nobody will see it. Hollywood has taken their special effects far beyond what I ever did. And now your ruining my shot at technology. Damn you Steve. Now you know why. I`m jealous!"

Photo aditza121

Los Amigos

City of Mexicans. -Pushing the envelope is for Americans, we cross borders, says Juan Emmanuelle. Soon I`m moving into Canada. Then Alaska, the North Pole, I don`t know whats on the other side, but I`ll find out. I recon I`ll be back in LA in 30-40 years with a permanent fake visa and that will probably be it for me with country surfing.

Photo kla4067