Chinese Security Organ: -Littering Is An Act Of Terrorism

Literally. -It undermines everything we fear. It's an attack on our values. It suggest we are filthy. It's damaging our self image and hygiene, says official sources.

Every Chinese agree that litter terrorists should be killed before any prosecution takes place.

Even dead people agree.

-But their difficult to catch cause they operate in small cells, sometimes pocket cells. And tracking down a solo trash bomber is virtually impossible, says the same same, but different source. So how can they stop them before they commit acts of littering?

-We do random mass killing. Statistically we will kill a terrorist now and then. One in a million definitely has the potential to become one and one is one many. One for all, all for one.

Photo IvanWalsh.com

NSA Boss: -I've Seen Better Days

Cry vs Cry. -You should thank us Merkel. Do you know how boring it is to listen to your rants? You never stop, God dammit. Do you have to make every deal on the phone? Can't you use some face time and save us the work, says NSA Boss Keith Alexander.

-We're not doing it for fun, if we where we would have tapped the porn industry, but there's no terrorists there, bitch, excuse my language, madam.

-We kept an eye on you after the first world war, but you f@king managed to start a second one didn't you. So don't give us bullshit for paying attention. Who want that mayhem again?

-Listen, everybody's doing it, we're just better at it so stop whining.

Photo Commons Wikipedia

Editor Of Lonely Planet Admit It's Getting Crowded

Bad title. -Nobody buys it anymore. They buy the book, but they don't believe in it.

-Like Christianity or any other religion in societies where consumerism take over, it's fake believe.

-I don't think we had one customer last year who found a lonely spot.

-It was people everywhere and they all had the books so they have themselves to blame. We don't force people to travel. We encourage.

-Big difference. There's no money in forced traveling. It's actually quite expensive cause then we have to cover the cost.

-We're in it for the money. That's why we stay at home. We hope to fool everyone out of here. Have you ever seen a Lonely Planet from where we publish? No, and there never will cause we want to keep the money for ourself.

Photo James Cridland

I Based My Life On Scooby-Doo

Doghattan. -I don't know how to explain it, Scooby was born in 1969, 34 years later than me, maybe it's my memory, but watching how Scooby went through life inspired me, says Woody Allen to Dog Magazine.

-Do whatever you want and don't be too smart about it. I wanted that. Thanks Hanna-Barbera, you gave me a great life.

Photo Luiz Fernando / Sonia Maria

Angela Merkel Sends ISAF Troops Into Pentagon

-Son of a bitch!
USNSA. 350 ISAF soldier stormed Pentagon this morning to shut down the NSA surveillance program.

The soldiers, whom many where Americans currently serving in Afghanistan, said it was weird to be back.

-I had other expectations in mind for my return. I thought I would meet my girlfriend at the airport. We didn't even use it. We came in through Mexico, says Average Army.

Photo tgoldkamp

If Hitler Had Gone Into Football He Could Have Done Something

My amazing face.
Duke of Manchester. -It's sad to read through history and see talents choose the wrong pitch. He clearly had something going for him, but politics... who cares? says Ferguson.

-Had he tried to take over the world in sports he could have managed 3-4 teams easily and won their respectful leagues. He could have gotten Europe that way.

-The World Cup was already established, all he really had to do was win it. He sure made it difficult for himself.

-When I read about those guys I realise they'd be great coaches. Napoleon could have taken France to new heights without having to slaughter half the continent.

-I wonder if the soldiers ever asked "Why can't we play football instead?", but I never ask myself what I would do if there was no football cause I know the f*#king answer.

Book cover Amazon

Apple Revolutionise Web Porn

Scratch that ass.
iGrose. -Let's face it. Most people use the web for porn. We can't ignore it any longer. We are the world largest pornprovider.

-It's in our logo. It's the apple from the garden of good and evil and somebody has already taken a bite from it. What do we expect from our customers? Not continue eating?

-From now on all our products will run on the operation system iShag. It's surveillance safe, you can screw online, but they can't screw you.

-The future of the company is on the line here. Steve hoped this day would never come, but he knew it would. Which is why his last words to me was, f#@k it!

Photo deerkoski

Tucker Is Positive Peeing Out The Window Can Stop The Wildfire

-I drink too much beer... I'll kill two birds with one stone.
Crash dance. -Especially with a huge hose like mine. If every by-passer gave to the cause, it might go away.

Firefighter Dan Hanson says he has tried many times and that it's a bad idea.

-Especially since you have to get so close. I know Tucker thinks he's loaded, but compared to our equipment, 20 centimetres isn't much to brag about.

-I know for a fact that dinosaur's put out fires like that, so Tucker isn't completely thick, he just hasn't evolved much since then. There's still tribes in the Amazons who practise it, but then again, there you go...

-It wouldn't surprise me if I saw a pissfire car crash video on youtube one of these days. It would surprise me more if I didn't.

Photo DBduo Photography

Curiosity Makes Shocking Discovery: Men Are From Mars!

Robocop. And so are women, which is even more shocking. -We thought they where from Venus, says NASA in a statement to the American public.

-This is very disappointing. I'm not sure I want to know what else Curiosity might find on Mars, says Gladys Day who works as an astronaut for NASA.

-I've always felt that my husband is a bit of a pussy, but to know that he actually is, is quite disturbing to me.

-I don't want people to think of me as a lesbian in uniform. I don't want them to look at me as a dyke because I married a man. I want my Venus. I want my roots back.

Photo  Global News Pointer

Dogs Cause More Global Damage Than Humans

-Bad dog, you've been a bad dog.
Doggy style. According to the post Bush administration, a Golden Retriever, operating out of Bagdad, is 4 months away from developing a nuclear bomb. CIA admit they did not see that coming.

The nuclear program has been developed in all secrecy with the financial support of Pedigree Pal. -This comes as a shock to all of us, says the owner of the dog, a UN Weapon Inspector from Sweden.

The dog says in an barking interview with Swedish Television that he had no intention to take over the world, he only wanted some attention from his owner. -Hey, I'm a dog, I did it my way. I make a lot of noise when I want attention.

Photo Anders Ljungberg

Syria Wants To Ban The Use Of Chemical Medications

Weapons of individual destruction. -If we can't use if for weapons, you can't use it for medication either, says Assad in a speech to pretty much every country in the world.

-In the end it's all about control and I can't afford that level of sophistication. I got to mass medicate.

Photo FreedomHouse

NSA doesn't have time to go through everything before the sun explodes

Words from the universe. It's too much, it's way too much. It's one of these things. At the end of the day it's better to ignore it all. Which is why planets are left dead cold in space. It's not a keeper, galactically speaking.

Photo Ivan McClellan Photography

Snowden Reveals Spiders Spy On Their Web Too

Natural law. -Spiders operate very much like NSA. They build a network who looks transparent and out of no where you get caught into a trap. And before have time to process "where did that come from" they come and eat you.

-There's no trial, there's no justice, it's pure hunt to kill. The only comfort is you wont be raped cause your too f#@ed.

Photo public domain

Disappointing Few Druggies Have Emigrated To NZ After The Legalisation

NZ Hammer. -Where is all the money? Why should we keep up with this drugs is good if we don't see any money? Show me the money or Cuba Gooding Jr gets it.

-Drugs isn't any better than greed in huge quantities. Haven't we learned anything from Michael Douglas in Wall Street?

-The attitude who brought us the finance crisis. Oliver Stone should never made that films. That film caused the black Monday in 1987 and what does he do? Make it again.

-It's all Michael Douglas fault. Same with the Vietnam war. It's his fault. If he wasn't such a great actor we wouldn't be in this shit now. We wouldn't fall for his showmanships once again in Wall Street 2. God damn, we knew what he was up to. That son of a %&$*@. I want my money back.

-What is he doing these days. Playing a fag? Watch out. He's fooling us. Just like Liberace. Dressing like a pimp while he eats cock for supper. The guys full of shit, figuratively speaking. Did I mention I'm a liberal? I'm appalled by it.

Photo US Embassy New Zealand

Telemarketer Shot Down In The Street

-Let's get out of here. He was a telemarketer. Whoever shot
him did us a favour. 
Think about it. -When I heard it was a telemarketer I didn't know if I should send a rescue team or not. I was really hesitated.

-Do I want to help this person? Do I? DO I??? ???

-I decided the best thing I could do for my own conscience and society at large was to stall it, says the 911 operator who got a pay rise once her manager saw on the news that the rescue team didn't make it in time.

Witnesses says he talked in his smartphone when he was gunned down. -His last words where "I'll call you back". He never did, lier!

 Photo Marshall Astor - Food Fetishist

Iranian Optician Recommend Customers To Masturbate More

Some people just need a haircut.
Jungle business. -It's good for business, they go blind, I sell more glasses. Soon I'll expand my portfolio with walking sticks. I expect a massive sale once people get one with it, says Urdu Abdi.

-I make a lot of money, everybody is happy. I give some to charity, like the Stay Blind Foundation. What more can you ask of me. I'm a business man. It's the end of racism! Finally we look alike.

Photo peretzp

Hollywood Star Finds Commercials More Satisfying Than Blockbusters

Bad to the bone. -Artistically speaking their more fulfilling on every level. The movies I make these days feels like 30 second ads who's stretched out to 2 hours, sometimes 3, says Christopher Walken.

-After the 70s I never thought I'd see the day I'd sell my body for clothing. Sex, drugs maybe, but never clothes.

-Today I choose my roles from what the character wear. If the wardrobe is hot, there should be enough skeletons in the closet to cary a whole movie.

-I can't have every picture I'm in rely on my own bone. I only deliver in my screen time. When I get a small part, I throw them a small bone. If I get a big part, they get a huge bonejob. Thats why I like these small commercials cause its all bone.

-It's one boning after another boning. Just boning and boning and boning. When you reach my age quality matters. I ain't got time for shit.

Photo Wikipedia

Getting Aids Was Awesome

Clear and pleasant danger. -Living with it is another thing, but getting it was so much better than my boyfriend, tells Hilda.

-If he could do that I would never get it, but as long as he performs at the level he does, the danger is always present. All women face this.

-The guy who gave it to me was as bad a match for me as the disease itself. He was from Jamaica, me from Germany, neither of us spoke the same language. I could never live with him, but now I do. Having Aids is much like still having that guy in my body.

-Truth is I would get it again if I could. And I did. You should have seen the face of my GP "you got Aids again?!". "You whore!" I had to correct him on that. I didn't receive money. But I understood what he meant. If I could I would.

Photo Tetra Pak

Catherine Reads Between The Pictures To find A Deeper Meaning

Toiletpaper. -I'm a business woman so I need to be informed about whats goes on in the world. I can't rely on my male colleague's cause they only watch the photos. They flip through it like a family album.

-I'm surprised so many of these stories are written by men cause so few of them seem to read these days.

-It's like they all forgot how to do it overnight when the iPad came. At least thats how they behave. I'm amazed some of them can still put together a text message. It' a lot of words to remember for a guy who hardly use them.

-We have to simplify the English language otherwise we will soon get a male population who can't read or write. The number of words has to be reduced to at least half by 2020. Our culture is at stake here.

-If we don't acknowledge that men wont be able to write their own name in 5 years our culture will disavow. Who wants to admit they don't understand anything?

-But we have the technology to save us. Ironically, it's the same touchscreen technology who caused the problem, much like writing itself killed off the oral tradition.

-Wow, we have gone full circle, it's back to pointing now. So much development for so little progress. It's insights like this that makes me realise Britain never stopped being a development country. And I traveled all the way from Pakistan to understand that.

-I thought "we are all the same" meant we are all great - not poor. Damn! I want to see my Grandma.

Photo VirginMoney 

Journalist Joe Only Care About The Story If He Get His Feet In It

Footloose. -I try to squeeze my feet in at any opportunity. In most cases they want my face... or nothing at all. It's a real face/off every time. If I got a hot story I can force them in, but with a bad one I got to kiss the editors feet not to get sacked.

-I'm a foot fetistist so for me the kissing part is okay. He doesn't understand that. Only feetmasochists do. We like it. 90 percent of the worlds speeding is done by sadofeetisists cause we like to step on it.

Photo jsmjr

Mexico Is Terrorists Favourite Holiday Destination

War versus war. -Bombs explode around us and people get killed, it feels like home, but I don't have to deal with it. It's not my war. I can sit in the dark and enjoy my tequila, says Ali.

-It's fun to watch the war on drugs. As a terrorist I can tell you, these douchebags have no idea what their doing.

-It's obvious from the line of business their inn. In any other professional, if your do drugs, you'll screw up. These people doesn't do anything but drugs. It's all they do. 60.000+ dead people speaks for itself. They should have won by now.

-They should have conquered the whole bloody continent. But, it's not my battle. I'm here to take a break. Get away from it all. Recharge my batteries before I go home and kill some more. It's a funny world we live in. One man's death is another man's break.

Photo iivangm

Baghdad Offer Designated Parking Spaces For Car Bombs

This Gentleman gets a ticket for using a bomb parking without proper
permit. On a closer look he doesn't even have explosives under the hood.

People bomber. Every embassy, public building and shopping centre will in addition to free handicap parking offer designated spaces for car bombs. 

-It's getting out of hand. There's so many we have to offer bomb parking. We have to keep up with the way our society develop announces traffic controller Ali Drive.

-I mean, It's keeping out of touch who got us here in the first place. Let's adjust. That's all I'm saying. Let's try to keep up with the times for once. How hard can it be? My f@*# children manages to keep up with the Kardashians...

-Nobody likes handicapped people for the free parking either, but that little extra room enables them to take part in society. If we give auto bombers the extra space they need to show the world "Hey! I'm strong and powerful, don't mess with me or I *#@& you up" less people could get hurt and we didn't have to arrest them all the time.

Photo The U.S. Army

Hezbollah Builds United Terrorist Headquarter Next To The UN Building

New York minute. -We need to get organised. We can't continue fighting this beast with cheesecake and firecrackers. It's not as easy for us to infiltrate the Pentagon as it is for them to infiltrate a cave, says Hezbollah's press secretary.

-We don't have the gun power or men necessary to scare anything more than a Mayor. Locating ourself next to our enemy is our only hope. The United Terrorist building can be used for plane crashes, false alarms... the things we do.

Photo Zingaro. I am a gipsy too.

Syria Will Probably Never Get The Olympics

Waria. Even when promising not to use chemical weapons, IOC still refuse Assad to host the games.

-A hundred years ago he could. Syria had the quality we looked for then, safe bribery, says IOC-digger Toni Belarado.

-Who wants to receive gifts from Assad today? I'm not risking my IOC membership for the worlds most wanted dictator. 

-I'm not risking ending up on CIA's terrorist list. Besides, IOC also have to think about the safety of the athlete's, the audience and the broadcasting deals. That's where the real money is.

-If there was any, they could get the Autumn Games, tops.

-The Assad regime is a natural destination for a terrorist game. If they could manage to organise anything else than car bombings… but I think their stuck with car bombings.

Photo hjalmarGD

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...