Santa Wish There Was More Jews

X Games. -It would improve my job significantly. If 99% of all kids where either jewish or some other religion who doesn’t celebrate Xmas, maybe I could do this properly. I’ve never been a fan of mass shopping.

-I didn’t want to sell out to Coca-Cola, but how can I get the job done if I don’t? Do you think the kids pay for this shit? Somebody got to put up the money.

-Just the rocket fuel fucks up my budget and I got to ride stealth otherwise I’ll be shoot down.

-Next year I’ll use the postal office and they'll get the presents when they get them.

Photo elPadawan

South African Sadomasochists Misses Apartheid

Tabootheid. -To us it was paradise, but saying that out loud today is the worst pickup line. Which is why I use it. 

-It gives me a little taste of what made this country so great, says Nelson.

Photo manuel | MC

-If Iran #@&% Us On This Deal They Are So Dead

Motherbomb. -One sign of a nuke and KABOOOOOM. One #*%&§ word of anti-semitism… KABOOOOOM. One joke... 

-One joke... 

 says Israels Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

Photo Wikipedia

Toronto’s Mayor Offered Job In Mexico

Mayor League. -We need a guy who’s been around town. Too many politicians are too perfect these days. They live in the cloud. Ford has his feet firmly placed on the ground, we need that now. We don’t need another leader looking for a high in the shy. It always end in disaster, says Mexico Joé.

Ford on the other hand has the following statement: -20 years ago I would have been the President of Colombia, that is unfortunately not possible any longer, but I'm a strong supporter of local dealerships.

Photo HiMY SYeD / photopia

Doctor Gets $2.7 Million For Recommending Horseshit

Doctor cash. He willingly admits he is the type of person who would have done great working for Hitler. -I’m very versatile, I got few standards, I would have done great with Stalin and Mao too, says the doctor who’s building a new home with 17 bathrooms.

-My latest wife always ask me the same question. What are we going to do with all this money? And I tell her: more bathrooms. Why? Cause I’m full of shit.

-I marry cause I forget their names. It’s easier that they're all “wife”. It’s a role they step into and they all play really well to begin with.

-It’s the bathroom part they can’t handle. Why do you spend all your money on bathrooms? It’s the same whining every time. It’s so disappointing. I think I’ve found the right one and she turns out to be hollow.

Photo dno1967b

Medicine Manufacturer Pay Close Attention To Population Growth

Greed is growth. -The most important thing is not that people live longer, but that they buy their drugs from us. If not, we rather seen them die.

-In fact, if they get their medicine from one of our competitors we prefer killing them... whatever it takes to beat the competition.

-But as for now we’re currently not allowed within the framework of our company. Which is why we into extend into law and weaponry.

Photo thedib

Typhoon Survivor Swear He Will Come Back As Mental Hitler Or Jesus

Doctor Who. -It’s either or. I don’t know which yet. My mind is blocked at the moment. I lost everything, my family, my friends, my car… so I don’t know which I will land on, but it will be one of them for sure.

The emergency psychiatrist at the camp has mentioned to him on a number of occasions that there’s nobody who’s asking him that question.

-It pisses me off when she says that. I’m clearly chosen for greatness, he says staring at the camp he shares with 2 million other survivors.

-I don’t understand why they resent the question. This is the perfect place to find out. Where else can I do role-play on a scale like this? Technically we can still blame the Typhoon should it go wrong.

Photo EU Humanitarian Aid and Civil Protection

Homeless Filipino Not Ashamed After The Typhoon

Ocean 11. -Being homeless saved me from seeing it vanish and not having a family spared them from drown, says José.

-I’m at a place in my life now where I can’t sink any lower, so a Typhoon isnt’s something I’m particularly afraid off. It usually means free food and loads of new friends. I shouldn’t be saying this, but my wish came through.

Foto akosihub

The Nazi’s Understood When It Was Time To Surrender, Al-Qaeda Doesn't

Underdumb. -Hitler would never go at an enemy 1 billion time stronger than himself. He made sure he was the most powerful before he went for it. 

-He would never attack an enemy who has thousands of nuclear bombs without having one of his own, certainly not with a slingshot. Al-Qaeda never got that concept, says the History Professor At Virginia University.

Photo Adelaide Archivist

UN Wants 300 Years Of Stability In Germany Before Stopping Surveillance

Look Who’s Listening. They’ve done it twice, the danger of genocide will always lurk in the background of German politicians. It didn’t take more than 30 years from WW1 before they where at it again, so we like to keep an ear on you for at least 250 more years.

-Off course, as you say Merkel, friends don’t spy on each other, but you are not an ordinary friend, you are a friend with a history. We’re not letting you out on probation after killing millions just yet. Not in a million years.

Photo Wikipedia

Ghostwriter Looked Like He Had Seen A Ghost

Writer's cock. -I had finished my autobiography and after reading it through I realised I had. I should have written it in my own name.

-Everybody know ghostwriters are behind celebrity books. Their not known for writing. If they where: that's what they would be doing, but they don't, cause they suck at it.

-They're like the kid in school who's terrible at everything and suddenly hands in this master peace everybody know he copied from the web. That's what I do for a living. I should have used a ghostwriter.

Photo kusmierz

Smoking Doesn't Kill Enough Says Chinese Executioner

Murder she smoked. -It doesn't at all take the toll of my job. I got people lined up further than the eye can see and a breathtaking 1.2 billion people living outside these walls, are you kidding me?

-If it was up to me the whole country would be on heroine.

Photo Wikipedia

NSA Has Had It: -You Deal With The Terrorists

Oy! -Next time a bomb goes off and believe me it will, go to Edward Snowden and Julian Assange for help cause we’re not doing shit, says NSA in a statement to the cry baby governments in Europe and the rest of the world. -Your on your own now, we’re shutting down.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

2D Printers Was Good For When People Thought The World Was Flat

Print Your Reality. -Iran looks forward to make nukes with 3D printers, terrorists look forward to make drones and cops looks forward to make fake evidence, says 3D contractor Tyler Gone.

-I’m gonna make a fake passport, print out a hole stash of cash and leave it all.

Photo Creative Tools

Journalist Got Upset Stomach From Covering Horrible Trial

Monday morning case. -I spent more time in the toilet than the courtroom, after 15 minutes I couldn't handle it any more. It was too dark, says journalist Ben Spencer who covered the trial for Time Magazine.

-I don't even know what happened day 2 so I made up something. I haven't received any complaints, probably cause nobody read more than the headline. I spent the rest of the week at the hotel room watching porn to get it off my mind.

Photo TheeErin

Who Killed Osama bin Laden More Secret Than Who Killed JFK

The Who. -It's for different reasons, off course, Osama is more for personal interest than JFK who is a matter of national interest or pride if you will. I know cause i wasn't there. I wasn't brainwashed by the events, says conspiracy sensationalist Larger Dumb.

-And then there's Who Killed Roger Rabbit which I don't remember even though I saw the movie twice.

Photo Fibonacci Blue

X-Men Don’t Celebrate Xmas: Santa Is Not One Of Us

What does the Wolf say? -He’s like a repair man who gives away shit to make people like him. We save the freakin world yo! We don’t waste our time on toys. He’s a pussy, says Wolverine.

-We could really need his help, but he's always at his toy factory. Bla bla bla bla bla. When kids reach a certain age they understand Santa’s full of shit, but he never face it cause there's always new ones coming. If people could stop f@#king we could get an end to this!

Katy Perry Bitten By Tiger

Lion Queen. The pop star where attacked by a cat activist in the London Zoo. Apparently the tiger didn't like how they where represented in her music video and tried to correct it by attacking her.

-They are brutally aggressive and violent, says Zoo keeper Danger Stupid. They are the reason dinosaurs where extinct - they ate them, but thats kept secret from the public to avoid panic.

-Crocodiles only survived cause they could hide in the water. If tigers could swim they would eat whales. That's all tigers do, eat and rape other animals.

Photo Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer

Bob Dylan Blown Off Stage In The Philippines

Dylan has left the building. -Thats a way to go, I'm sure he would have liked that, but for now we're concentrating on finding him, says his stage manager.

Where is he? -That answer my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Photo Wikipedia

China Sends The First Human To Mars

Beyond expectations. 102 years old Hu has been selected by the Chinese National Space Administration to be the first person landing on Mars together with her cat Bobo.

Hu, who currently serve a lifetime sentence for stealing a fortune cookie back in 1918, says she looks forward to getting a window with a view.

CNSA use their unfinished landing technology to justifies their choice of personnel and adds a crash landing is still higher regarded than an unmanned probe. -We're launching thousands of these, one will make it.

Photo jadis1958

Swiss Space Program: -We're Sticking To Earth

Lost in Space. -If we can make it to the top of the mountain we consider it a success. Anything more is gravy. There is a limit to how far we can go in a shuttle made entirely by Swiss Army Knifes, says Swiss Astronaut Gunter Time.

-It's so much easier shooting up a cable and drag the vehicle afterwords. You got to understand, if Christopher Columbus had access to a big enough canon and enough rope he would have discovered the moon.

John Kerry Not Diagnosed With Horse Face Cause Nobody Dare To

-I never looked at it like that. I've always seen myself as the
face of the Democratic Party.
Facial. While kids across the Western world receive letters reading "you suffer from horse face", the Foreign Minister of USA, who looks like a stallion more than anyone, doesn't. 

-I can't get myself to mail the letter, says the doctor who diagnosed him based on his many TV appearances. -It's so obvious, it's the only thing I can think of when I see him. There's that horse guy again.

-You might ask, what's the point of diagnosing their looks? To help. We can make them look like cows.

Bruce Willis On Getting The Call: We're Ready For You To Blow Up Earth

The weight of acting. -The only way I can get through days like that is to act it out. If I tried to bear the weight layed on my shoulders after the director yells cut, it would crush me to the centre of earth, says Bruce in a serious moment of fake.

-I have to let go. Especially as an actor.

-I haven't experienced any of the stuff I portrait onscreen, I have no clue really how to deal with it, so it's important I snap out of it right away. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to fake it anymore.

Photo  Hot Rod Homepage

India's Mars Mission: -It's A Mars Probe, Not An Anal Probe

Life of smart. -We're not taking samples, we're bringing dog urine to mark our territory before China does it, says computer genius Hash Tag at India’s space organisation, ISRO.

-NASA can't claim Mars by burning rubber on it. Everybody know you take your dog.

-The world press has difficulty understanding why a country like India who can't feed it's poor spend money on low cost space technology?

-First of all it's a subject we take at a job seeking course. Everything is outsourced these days. We need to bring the business back to India. Now I can put Mars mission on my cv. It's not a big deal, for most people here it's like taking the computer driving licence. They don't even care.

Photo Eric Kilby

New Mayor Of New York: -What... Me? Ok, I'll Do It

Tarzan saves the city. Former mental patient Steve Wrong becomes the first Democrat to lead the city since the 80s. -I will continue where they left off, says Mayor Wrong who is too drunk to make a public appearance.

-My first initiative is a frisk and search initiative for white collar crime only meaning, if your black and Wall Street dirty you can walk.

-I will keep you posted on my whereabouts through my secretary. Don't get too excited.

Photo Toronto Sun

Brazilian Tycoon On Going Bankrupt And Starting At McDonalds Again

-You don't get these at McDonalds.
Double cheese. -First of all, I have never worked at McDonalds and I never will. Guys like me don't, even when we fall. That's why we have Golden parachutes, says Eike Batista.

-Just enough to keep us off the ground until we land safely. I have fallen before and I can fall again. I have nothing to prove.

Photo 5x Favela, Agora Por Nós Mesmos

Morsi: -You Can't Handle The Change

John Kerry: -He sure can fart.
A Few Bad Men. Egypt's deposed president, Mohamed Morsi, has broken his silence since being removed from power. -I can't hold it anymore. I got to fart, pfffffft... ahh... that was great. One more: pft ah...

-I don't want a lawyer. It's rigged. I want a cookie jar.

-I will sit in the courtroom and take the lid of the cookie jar and eat and fart like I'm watching tv.

-I can gas a room. I'll make the judge run out of there.

Photo United States Government Work

Burt Reynolds Found In Syria

Dr. Livingstone, I presume. Living under the name of Nouri Al-Mismari, Burt Reynolds has found new peace working for the government in Syria.

-I was was lucky, it' a great gig. I get to put deliver long speeches everyday and nothing has to make sense. The audience here don't expect it. They expect me to abuse power.

-I've never had so much fun. I should have made more art films...

Photo Wikimedia commons

Public Transport Worker Enjoy Marathons

Sub democracy. -I like to see the masses move themselves while I sit on my fat ass and watch it on tv. Ahh... I love it. It makes it all worthwhile. Revenge is mine. Ha ha!

-First plant the idea of long distance transport in their head. Get them to buy a car and get used to it. Remove the vehicle, introduce the mass commuting trains and busses, let them have it for a while and then arrange a marathon.

-It's beautiful. And they have them all around the world like democracy came to the Middle East and worked. But the best part is, they have to pay for it and it costs more than a subway ticket!

 Photo lepoSs

Halloween Survivor Talks About The Aftermath

Post Halloween. -The came at our door. The memory will never go away, but we try to learn to live with it, says Jewlian Andrew.

-We fled to the Middle East next. There we're safe. It's one of the few places left where they have no tradition of Halloween other than every day is like Halloween.

-There's no school here so I play survivor with my sister every day. Sometimes our parents join us and takes us on trips to new exciting places. It's like Grand Theft Auto in 3D. It rocks!

Photo automationtx

Ted Wishes He Was An Actor In The 70s

Theme party. -If I knew this I would have signed up at the Police Academy instead of acting school. Watching those cop shows growing up it always looked like they had more fun than the real guys.

-The director always tell me "try to imagine", "try to imagine"... it's a lot easier if a truck is following me!

Photo Bob Bekian 

The Dalai Lama Supports Medical Marijuana: The Debate Is Over

Peace of drugs. -We have to figure out a way to get sick so we can get hold of some. Why can't anyone support party marijuana? says college student Trey Darker.

-I want to get high. I so want to explore the outer mind, but I can't get there with milk. I need the right fuel. Did anybody question NASA for using rocket fuel when entering space?

Photo Kris Krug

Putin Is The World's Hottest Asset At The Meat Market

Groupies. Voted the most powerful man in the world by Forbes Magazine and single, not that married makes a difference, but it makes it official, make him a steaming hot bachelor.

-Gold diggers are all around him. Luckily for them, they don't understand politics, if they did, they would never dare to flirt with these guys, says editor in sperm Filthy Valentina at Digg It.

-Obama turned the political stage into a rock star arena, Putin is only keeping up with the times, says Digg It's political babbler Troy Stupid.

-He's got nukes and thats sexy. A lot of gold diggers looks for a man with nuclear weapons. It's a sign of strength. Some play chess, others blow shit up.

Photo Wikipedia

David Beckham: -It's Not Hamlet

One Thousand and One Balls. -I didn't even write it. I've too busy playing football, but I want the money. I want to milk the market for everything I'm worth before I dry up, says Beckham.

-What separates my story from all the other sporting biographies is that mine is not so much about what you read, it's more about what you see. The pictures are fantastic.

-I don't know how much my four hundredth biography will sell, but we expect it to be in the top 50. If it doesn't, there no worry, I got at least another 200 biographies in me. We're shopping around already for new ghostwriters who can tell my story again from a new commercial angle.

-I've enjoyed this process so much. I love photography. I should be a writer.

Photo Amazon

Bruce Willis Talks About The Gunfire At LAX

Fly Hard. -Get over it. One man down. It's nothing. It wouldn't get me out of bed, says Bruce to the Airport Channel.

-You need bigger crooks to get my attention.

Photo Wikipedia

Bassem Youssef Taken Off The Air. Egypt, You Got A Long Way To Go

Springtime for Hitler. -Bassem Youssef has left the building and is on his way to the United Arab Emirates, says audience manager Rafael at CBC studios in Cairo.

-You are free to stay, but the army is coming in 2 minutes to clear the area and destroy all remains of the show.

-Yes, you will die if you stay. Any more question? No, there is no prosecution waiting for Bassem Youssef if he returns. He will be executed on site.

-No, John Oliver is not welcome to take his spot while he is gone. A British comedian? Are you mad?

-Yes, we could build 5 hospitals with the money we currently spend to get Bassem Youssef's face off the earth. If you count the entire run of his show it's closer the half the military budget, 75% is closer to half.

-We have always seen him as a bigger threat to the Middle East than Saddam, Assad and the Ayatollah put together. We can't publicly put out a fatwa on him. We need the foreign aid too much, but we all have wet dreams about it and if we pull the plug he is the first to go.

-No, previous seasons will not be syndicated. There will be no reruns - ever! The Bomb Squad is eliminating the episodes as we speak.

Photo Public Domain

George Lucas Played Bass Guitar In Space Monkeys

-I wrote Han Solo with myself in mind. He had several huge gangbang
scenes that was, off course, never intended for the movie.
The Last Temptation Of Lucas. The former unknown band member played the bass guitar in all the original recordings and stage performances.

-We had an actor faking it on stage. It was a bit of a hassle when we went on tour cause he had to shut up about it, but in the studio recordings nobody cared, says manager Tyler Bullshit.

George threw millions into making a hologram bassist to see how far he could take it before anybody sniffed it's the Star Wars guy who's playing the strings.

-After touring with the hologram for 5 months he wanted to create an inception player for mass audiences. It was about that time we split up. We had it up to here with his tricks. "Can't you just play like the rest of us". "No, I've had it with fame" he said and walked away.

-He's the only person I've meet who's said that and meant it, from the bottom of his heart, not the top of his brain. I was so taken away I checked myself into rehab even I don't have a drug problem. I needed to fake something major to go that deep.

-Off course I forgot everything when I left the resort. The treatment centre refused to rehabilitate me cause I had no drug problem according to them. When I told George, he stopped answering my calls and we never played again, except in my dreams. He made a dream player, that bastard.

Photo The All-Nite Images