Horrendous news source. Terrible at best. World Mess Association (WMA) is an attention-seeking news agency made up of mad journalists. WMA makes profit by continuously firing staff. Making sure the onces left are exhausted, underpaid and working from home. WMA does not cover health insurance or stories involving the shareholders. WMA has won the Bullytzer Prize for covering up mass crime and continues to harm selected countries, companies and people in coordinated cyber attacks.
Stone regime. They pyramids weren`t build by the Faraos to honor their slaves. This is what happen if you let the ruling elite stay in power for too long.
Did it ever cross your mind that the Egyptians who build those graves wanted to do something else with their lifes than honor leaders they hated?
One can in every public office. -We `re preparing for the leakiflue, call it a pandemic. See how much damage one leak did and look at the speed in which it spread. It could have wiped out the entire American race.
-Our greatest minds are working on how to make government communication tight. Actually their spending more time on this than running the country.
-The mole spray is the first line of defense in their master plan. When discovering a mole, spray it and evacuate the area. Within 15 minutes of opening the can a jet fighter will come and bomb the building - anywhere in the world, including the moon.
-The bombings is more for safety. The spray is tested on jews. History showed us it works so nobody really sees the point with the jet bombers, but I guess they want to set an example.
-I would have done the same thing if a partner in bed gave away our sexual escapades online. Yeah, I`d f@#king kill him, says U.S. Secretary of State secretary.
Stamp of approval. WMA has readers all over the world, but not in China. So either it`s blocked or they just don`t care. Since the latter would be devastating to our internet coolnes WMA went to China to not find out. Actually we didn`t go hoping readers would find our tickets in the airport terminal and believe we didn`t get into the country cause of our biting, hard hitting, Chinese satire.
To make the totalitarian censorship look even more sophisticated evil than they could possibly ever be, we never bought the tickets to suggesting the Chinese authorities removed all traces of our trip to China. It wasn`t until we heard that nobody had found the non existing tickets we realized that WMA just isn`t funny.
And that makeup story doesn`t sell very well does it, but neither does the bloody WMA, so what do we tell our advertisers to get their money? And why the hell are we sharing this? We have a leak inside the WMA?! Can somebody censor this???? Our very existence rely on you believing the illusions we throw at you! Somebody shut down this site!!!! Help!!! Use force if necessary. Dear reader, you have our extended non excisting right to use force, violence, whatever it takes, murder (we`ll cover it up), rape accusations on whoever is leaking this. Don`t let the world see how hollow we are, please...
Stomach crisis. Despite the smell, natural gas is the new favorite energy import to Western countries cause it makes them less dependent on Kebab Oil. The world biggest fart reserves is located in Russia and they are a hell of a lot easier to deal with than the muslims. They might give you a cold shoulder when negotiating, but would never use terror. Gazprom also provide a clean and steady supply of farts where the shish gas tends to get wet and unpredictable.
Reality bites. -Unfair trade is an unofficial underground movement that aims to help owners in developed countries make higher profits through secretly promoting instability in undeveloped countries.
We believe the outrage towards the rich elite will dismiss if we through honest capitalism show the world that the only reason you are not doing the same is cause you can`t. You would have done exactly the same if you could and international trade is best served with us doing for you so you don`t have to go to jail. Look at us as financial Christ greeding for your sins.
Raising USA. They are the women who found and raised the founding fathers. Thank God they found them, otherwise they would have grown up homeless in the streets, newer learned to write or read, far less map out a declaration of independence and get it signed by a bunch of idiots who can`t even spell their own name.
The Brown Hornet. -We ran out of green, says the director. I`ve never experienced this before. If we ever was gonna finnish the sequel, we had to pick another color, the pink hornet, the blue hornet... I settled on the negro touch. Who cares about Europeans? We already got a chinaman and we have to sell the film at some point too. How many European movie stars have you heard of? None. Their all American, Asian or American brown.
It`s a Sony. While youtubers in Sony approved countries can enjoy their music, others can`t cause of the colors in their flag. The average citizen on earth must have bought at least 5 Sony products, that alone should give permission to listen. How can Sony still claim money for songs made for CD, Cassette and LP players when none of these are working standards today? The blocking got nothing to do with copyright, it`s pure segregation.
Running out of plastic. -There`s not enough plastic to keep our civilization alive. The plastic reserves are shrinking and with the current plastic consumption we will run out of plastic within a hundred years. We have no idea what to replace it with. We use plastic for everything, houses, cars, botanical gardens, streets, airplanes... What are we going to do when we can`t build anymore?Demolish everything and build it up again? asks the Brickminister in his State of the Lego speech.
Not weird at all. Your not alone when your on your own, alone, trying to find the living room. It`s a growing problem among Forbes 400 guys. WMA had a survey and it turned out everyone had problems finding everything. To avoid being revealed, they buy bigger Castles when they sense someone is about to find out. The staff get fired continuously and the bigger the home the more staff is needed. The turnover is ridiculous. Nobody lasts more than two days. One richy installed satellite tracking. He named it Castle Positioning System. Apparently he use it when he`s playing indoor golf.
Mr. FunNasty. Nobody masters the art of nasty better than the current king of insults, Ricky Geravis. Following in the footsteps of Don Rickles, Geravis managed to piss off the entire Hollywood elite without getting into legal trouble. It`s quite an achievement. He deserves a Golden Globe.
Peace concert. Thanks to the Eurovision Music Contest Europe has not started any more World Wars. We have learned to fight with music and appreciate each others crap, cause it`s not all good. Sometimes it`s so bad you want to hit someone. Then you have to try remember why we are all here. It`s not to listen to music.
Sugar daddy. -Oh yeah! It`s the best job in the world. God has been good to me. He blessed me with zero parenting skills and the best seamen since the fifth fleet. Thanks to him I got the best job in the world. I`m a commercial Big Daddy. My wife isn`t too happy about it. She wants kids and I`m always in the mood for a movie when I get home.
-We talked about getting a surrogate father, but since she isn`t all that crazy about me any longer, we`ll probably end up with a surrogate couple.
Collective Einstein. -It`s amazing what kids can do these days. Who would think a 10 year old could make the world greatest encyclopedia? Not the parents at Britannica. I bet their still forcing their kids to use paper knowledge. Poor children. While we others use it as toilet paper or throw away paper. It`s just a pity the little genius isn`t old enough to understand or show any interest in what he created. To him it`s just a distraction from Playstation.
Computer visa. -To be able to view this content you need to apply for a video card. Please fill a lottery ticket to the US Videogration Office and pay a 50$ no-refundable application fee. There is no point applying for the green cards anymore as you get everything online these days.
So stay where you are and get an American internetship instead.
Nigger face. -Yes, I placed the N-card on the table. It all got very quiet and there was nothing they could do about it. I`m half chigro myself. Quarter negro, quarter chinese & half rich. The other player threw their cards. It was the best royal street bluff ever.
Your money in my bank account. -WMA has entered it`s 3rd year online and I want to take a moment to ask for your help in continuing my mission to not get a day job. WMA is encountering new challenges and new opportunities and both require me not using jobs.
-WMA has worked is way up the web chain and gets the best ads internet can offer, but few readers click on them. I get ripped off cause they don`t pay for the exposure, just the clicks and honestly, who clicks an add??? Writing this mess takes up most of my day leaving no time for proper work. I can`t squeeze more out of the welfare system, so I ask you in my pursuit to make the world a worser place, please help me off the street jobs.
Indiarrea. -I have come all the way from the developed world to experience real danger. I`ve never been sick. I`ve been watched after and cuddled with my whole life. Now I want to experience the other half of life.
-I`m eating as much disgusting food as I can and I only have 3 months left to get sick. It`s the only chance I have in life to live normal and feel how my body reacts to negatives without painkillers. In fact, I have a few here - just in case, but I haven`t told anyone, so it doesn`t count.
iProjection. -I wouldn`t have done any of this if it hadn`t been for the mirrors. The moment they remove them I`m out. They are more important than the weights. Sometimes I got to the gym just to spend time in the mirror. But I do a lot of grunting and spill water over myself on those days so the staff think I`m training. People ask me if I love the attention? I love my attention. I don`t care what others think. I always forgett there`s others here.
MacCool. -I studied art and stuff, but you know, I work at K-Mart today. Then I got a mac and my whole life changed. Nobody wanted to see the stuff I made, thank God. But they all wanted to see the mac. So for a few months there I was the cool guy - until they got their own. Now I`m the K-Mart dude again. But those two months of fame was worth every penny. For once I got to feel what it is like to be a successful artist.
Waterland. -We just waiting for Kevin Costner to sail in and make Waterworld 2. That`s just what we need. Another catastrophe. Why couldn`t the water stay in Pakistan? Why did it come here? What did we do to deserve this? We stopped harassing aboriginals years ago. Why can`t the water f*@k up someone who deserves it? Like certain leadership districts around the world.
Dream in the mirror. -I`m a great guy, maybe the best there is. Maybe... ha ha, but to not get carried away, I look in the mirror every morning and tell myself I`m just an ordinary God. I must leave some space around me for worshipping me. After all, they need me. And I need them to need me, cause I can`t depend on them. I`m God.
Flickr Flattr Fuckr. -It`s the best online virus management and sharing application in the world. Show off you favorite trojan horse, virus bomb or computer attack. People ask me why I came up with this horrible idea. I tell them there is a real need for a place where people who gets thrown out of twitter, flickr, facebook and youtube can hang out. Just because we`re assholes doesn`t mean we don`t exist.
Prettyleaks. -It our best leak so far. This beats the American Embassy stuff and the Afghan diaries. He hasn`t even started writing it yet and we already have a copy. We know Julian Assange got mixed feelings about this, but what can he do.
-It`s our best scoop ever. It`s over 2000 pages. Notes, cut outs, everything. Including the lady stories. We named it the man with the golden hair. Few people actually know this, but Assange do a lot of modeling work. He is a very pretty man. That`s how he financed the organization in the beginning. I tell you, women are crazy about him. They`ll do anything to sleep with him.
-Those rape accusations are as dumb as Iraq having weapons of mass destruction. It`s simple not possibly for him to rape when everybody wants him.
Dream on. Few people knew Dr. Martin Luther King jr suffered from insomnia. If you listen to the speech he did in the Bronx later that day you`ll hear it wasn`t just a dream to him, it was a nightmare.
Actually flat. -It flew right out the window. I couldn`t believe my owns eyes. I was opening the door to get some fresh air and next thing the flat screen where taken by the wind. Boy, those new Samsungs are really flat! I don`t know if I can claim Gone With The Wind on the insurance, but I`ll sure as h*@l try. Imagine the next big twister. It will be hurricane Samsung with flat screen flying everywhere.
Barbara Streisand. -I lended my name to Duck Sause. Usually I give them my voice, but they didn`t want any. Barbra Streisand. I sat in the recording studio the whole day and all they kept saying was "For the love of God, can you please shut up".
-It was so humiliating and I was going to sue the guys, but that all changed when the money rolled in. Now their my best friends and they will be for as long as my name is on people`s lips. I`m the talk of town now. Barbra Streisand. After that I`ll sue them, legally I can and I`m a citizen of USA. We`re known for our legal system, why shouldn`t I use it when I get the opportunity? I`ll get a lot of money and my name will be on everybody`s lips again if I win and why shouldn`t I? I got money. Barbra Streisand.
Apple headquarters. -We`re launching a new gadget to win our battle against Google for world domination. It`s the hottest, latest, sexiest electric devise on the market until something comes along which is even hotter. We called it Mac Google cause it does everything. You can drive your f@#king car with this device!!
-What makes it truly unique is that none of the google apps works with the mac. They all jam and I mean all of them. That`s why our engineers came up with the brilliant idea, "let`s call it Mac GoogleAmateur and just leave it". We could fix it, but why? We`re Apple, I`m Steve Jobs, I mean God, sorry appelers. It would hurt Google more than Apple. Anyway, that`s what I`m aiming at. Some colleagues said it`s a risky move. Their`re fired. It`s not risky at all. When God throws the dices it`s a safe bet.
Chicken out. No, it`s not an idea from a cannabis smoker, even though I take it for granted they also have though of it and laughed at it. It`s a serious suggestion on how to solve the future world food shortage. Soon we will be 9 billion people and need more farmland than earth can provide. WMA is much more in favor of horizontal conflict as means of solution. The good old winner takes all has worked before and will work again. We don`t see any reasons why we should avoid this mess when it`s coming to us without us even starting it. We had to create WWII all by ourselves? Earth did nothing. Poverty. Same. Famine, terrorism... all man made. But this one is on the house. The planet is buying. It`s free. We don`t have to do anything. But we cant even do that... This is a low point in human history.
Cookie monster. -The xmas candy was just standing there like a helpless child. After staring at it for 3 days I couldn`t resist it anymore.
-I lost weight over the xmas holiday. I put so much physical energy into baking all the goodies I dropped 5 pounds. Then I held back at Xmas eve and stuck to my no fun diet for the rest of Christmas.
-But nobody else ate the cookies either. They probably thought there where something wrong with them since I didn`t touch`em.
-So, first of January, when everybody had left, I was stuck with a mountain of candy. And I knew from that moment on, it`s gonna be you or me. Either I eat you or you eat me. It`s the first time I both lost and won in one.