Aliens Threatens To Sanction Earth If We Don’t Reduce CO2 Emissions

Space pollution. NASA received a warning from outer space saying that steps are taken to force us to introduce universal rights on earth. 

The sunlight will be blocked until we accept the star map to enlightenment and aliens will invade if we don’t change the course of our planet.

Bugger...

Photo Wikipedia

Santa -I Haven’t Seen So Many Jewish Kids Cry Since Holocaust

Crybabies. -Couples don’t think mixed relationships thoroughly through. If one of the kids is jewish he’s not getting any. Parents have to respect this. 

-Santa is for kids with white upbringing. If we get slippery on this I have to give presents to the muslims too. Have you got any idea many they are? I have 24 hours to get the job done. I got to draw the line somewhere. Lance Armstrong is helping me with France this year. He’s proven himself before so I know he’s up for it.

-I can’t have people who follow the rules. I need someone who can get the job done. No questions asked. Do I care if he use drugs? No. Do I care if he finish one time? Yes.

Photo Wall Papers Craft

Taiwan Capitalize On The Hobbit With Unauthorized Sequel

Fake sequel. -If we can fool 5% of the audience to believe The Rabbit is the real sequel, it's still a lot of money with a huge box office success like The Hobbit, says the film producer.

-There's a lot of retarded people out there who'll fall for it. Same with partially sighted guys who wont admit their nearly blind. That's out target audience. Stupid people between 13-35.

Photo  Alyssa L. Miller

Ron Burgundy Stirred Up Quite a Mess At News Actors Guilt Of America

The Madness Continues. By many vote the best worst speech ever, Ron Burgundy certainly delivered the goods at the annual NAGA. Here it is, word by word. Take it away Ron: 

-We all had that moment when a fan stop you on the sidewalk or a fancy restaurant and says "Hey, I’ve seen you". Yeah, I’m a news anchor. 

-"Your that donkey guy". -No I think you mistake me for someone else. "No, your the Donkey guy, oh my god, you f#@* a donkey!". No I didn’t, you’re defenitly mistaking me for someone else. I’m not an animal porn actor.

-"Yes you are, you’re that guy who sneaks up on the donkey and says: Your’re my donkey now, donkey! Then you f#@* the shit out of it. Oh my God".

-Oh, you mean Dolly. I misunderstood. I call her Dolly. I’m a donkey activist. I support their right to free squeeling. I’m the spokesperson of Donkeys of America, but nobody is interested in hearing about it so to raise awereness I did a donkey porno to raise money to liberate donkeys, except the one in the movie. She didn’t want to do it, so we had to put her down. Otherwise this would get weird. 

-People think their just donkeys, but they’re not, their donkeys

Photo Devian Art

Robben Island's Teddy Bear Name Not Cool Among Ex-Prisoners

Shame name. -It sounds like a tourist attraction, says guide and former ex-con Tyler Ike. The name doesn’t hold water. Which is why it was surrounded by it.

-They needed to water it out. They chose the ocean since it would take all the fresh water in South Africa to hold the lie floating.

-Thanks to Mandela I still spend time here cause it's the only job I can get!

Photo timparkinson

USA Film Rating Merger With The Chinese

The Rating Games. You can now officially be executed on site for putting out anything that offence anyone at the board or any other board, be a table or smörgåsbord

-We feel like fighting violence in films with violence makes filmmakers think twice about what they put out there. Obviously there will be more porn, says an old dog at the board. 

-We have a whole new group of young people working here now. Their testing the waters of power you know, getting to know their limits. They also have to figure out where to draw the line. 

-By that I mean we outsourced to China years ago and got away with it. Hollywood has put up with all this shit not knowing their actually dealing with Chinese authorities. 

-It’s the lacking learning curve who made them introduce the death rating system. It’s time to call the bluff, but the money is too good. All we concentrate on is keeping the system, as long as possible.

Image MPAA / The Film Rating

Morgan Freeman Will Miss Being Mistaken For Nelson Mandela

Goddigger. -It's been a privileged to be mistaken for greatness, but back in the day, when he was a and I quote "terrorist" it wasn't all that fun.

-It held me back professionally. For 27 years I didn't get roles cause I looked too much like the ANC leader Ronald Reagan put on the terrorist list. I finally broke loose from the spell when the idea of a black God hit Hollywood and I've never looked back since. So yes indeed, I take the credit for the Nobel Peace Price. I deserved it.

Photo Alan Light

Debtor Changes Collection Agency

3 times a lady. -After two rather rude phone call I thought to myself, I don't have to take this harassment, I'm paying for this. So I did, says Dick who has no idea how much he's owing.

-If I pay 3 times as much as I need for a product, I want customer service.

Photo jsmjr

Ukrainians Fight For Their Right To Be Unemployed In Europe

Gangsta jobless. -I don't look at myself as an unemployed Ukrainian, I see myself as a handsome European between jobs, basically speaking, says Максим.

-In Europe I'm cheap exotic labour, here I'm only unemployed. I bet I can pick up girls with my cv in the West. My cv is spectacular. Just don't check it.

Photo mac_ivan

Thomas Jefferson Payed $200 To Get His Face On Mount Rushmore

Mountain Dew. -The buzz about the massive landmark in South Dakota already began hundreds of years before it was built. Thomas Jefferson, then President back in the 17th century, saw the opportunity for future fame and took it, tells the tour guide at the National Memorial before he drops some acid.

-He payed $200 to a hooker in Kansas and made her pass on to her hooker children that whoever runs the whorehouse when building begin gives the sculptor special treatment.

-Washington knew he would be selected so he didn't care, but he put down $10 for the corner and a few facial adjustment.

-Lincoln had other plans for the future. Serving during the civil war, he noticed people honoured dead  soldiers more than returning ones. Having won the second term and lived to be 54, which was a good age in those days, he decided to go with a bang and arranged an assignation of himself. Ironically that gave him the spot.

-Theodore Roosevelt didn't like the idea of sharing space with 3 other presidents like they where equals, so he suggested he should get the whole mountain himself or sit on the other 3 and wipe his ass with Lincoln beard. True story. Acid anyone?

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Bashar al-Assad Buys Playstation 4: -I Want To Play Donkey Kong

-I like the Donkey.
Die Dumb in Syria. -I also look forward to my custom made Grand Theft Auto Damascus and Super Mario Assad, says the enforced President.

-Gaming gives me the opportunity to show what a ruthless dictator I am. I always kill unnecessary amounts of innocent people to demonstrate my strength and power.

-Sometimes my servants walk into my office at 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm still killing. It makes them numb. I like that.

Photo The Cutting Edge News

Mao Had Serious Hair Issues

Camouflage. -He took it out on the people. He was known for that. The cultural revolution was basically a direct consequence of Mao looking himself in the mirror, says  history professor Bao Ou.

-It was the same problem with Hitler and Stalin. They came to power with the best of intentions and then they began to lose their hair. Hitler compensated with a moustache, but Mao couldn't do that cause he didn't have facial hair, he only had a mole.

-The moustache kept Hitler peaceful for a while, but then he lost it. If you try to hard you loose the mind.

-With Stalin the problem was different. He had so much hair people around him was glad he got ride of some. Everywhere he went there was hair laying around after him. People allergic to cats couldn't go near him. He just didn't see it like that.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Supreme Leader Not Awesome Enough Tittle For China's Top Dog

Doggy style. -I rule over 1.35 billion people, the awesomeness of the office must be reflected in the tittle, Supreme leader is simply not enough. It works for Iran the same way President do for USA and Prime minister for the UK.

-No offence, but I don't like to compare myself with ruthless turkeys, chickens or chicken wings. I'm the mountain who look after the world. I'm the one who protects the world against alien innovations.

-We have no serious enemies on earth so I have to look further. I need one to keep this house of cards together.

Photo Wikipedia

Chinese Officials Impressed By The Corruption In The West

1001 betrayals. -The older generation was afraid of loosing their privileges if China collapsed. My generation isn’t. Watching our western counterparts made us less concerned. 

-Some of us even welcome democracy, they get more...

Photo Asia And China Resources

Kim Jong-un Launch Jongtube In North Korea

Victory at first. Find everything you want to know about the great leader and everything you don't. It's all there.

Every citizen in North Korea, dead or alive, automatically became a subscriber to Kim's channel and they have to watch. -Yes, we monitor it and if they don't they die. Every video comes with a questionnaire at the end where they have to get 100 out of 100 points.

-It's an easy way to find out who to keep and who to eliminate. Sooner or later we have to have "elections" here too so why loose when we can pre-win.

Photo Manhattan Digest

Gangnam Style Smash Hit In North Korea

Kimbox. The popular Youtube video leaked into North Korea and spread house by house on VHS. -It’s what we in the industry call "a walker", says North Koreas Head of Popular Music Dong Dong.

-We couldn’t stop it. We tried, but after slaughtering down thousands of people without any impact we came to the conclusion invading our own country is a bad idea. I wish we thought of that before we used the air force. Now we have to rebuild huge parts of the country. Not that anyone could tell.

-Kim Jong-un has declared the incident a military exercise. He also claims ownership of the song and calls it a present to the people from the royal highness himself.

-He’s gives an in-depth interview to his own newspaper New Kim Times about how the song came about, how popular it has been abroad and how lucky the North Korean people is who get to hear his  music. He also dedicates the song to the victims of the military exercise.

Photo Dallas Observer Blogs

Bedwetter Saved By Typhoon

Rainy day. -Normally I pre order a waterbed, but this hotel only had madrases. It ruined my cover, how could I explain leakage like that from a madras?

-Thank God the typhoon came and ruined the entire hotel. It saved me so much embarrassment, shame and I get the money now!

Photo EU Humanitarian Aid and Civil Protection

The Griswold Family Goes To Space

Space tourism. Chevy Chase has been digitally remastered for the unexpected sequel National Lampoon's Space Vacation. -I had no idea they where even making the film, but as long as I get paid, they can digitally abuse my body as much as they want, says Chevy Chase to Stardust Magazine.

-Their using the original 1983 poster. It's perfect. We tried to make a space comedy, but technology wasn't there yet so we settled with a cross-country drive to Walley World theme park. Or at least that's what the script read, I never really watched it.

Photo Amazon

Santa Wish There Was More Jews

X Games. -It would improve my job significantly. If 99% of all kids where either jewish or some other religion who doesn’t celebrate Xmas, maybe I could do this properly. I’ve never been a fan of mass shopping.

-I didn’t want to sell out to Coca-Cola, but how can I get the job done if I don’t? Do you think the kids pay for this shit? Somebody got to put up the money.

-Just the rocket fuel fucks up my budget and I got to ride stealth otherwise I’ll be shoot down.

-Next year I’ll use the postal office and they'll get the presents when they get them.

Photo elPadawan

South African Sadomasochists Misses Apartheid

Tabootheid. -To us it was paradise, but saying that out loud today is the worst pickup line. Which is why I use it. 

-It gives me a little taste of what made this country so great, says Nelson.

Photo manuel | MC

-If Iran #@&% Us On This Deal They Are So Dead

Motherbomb. -One sign of a nuke and KABOOOOOM. One #*%&§ word of anti-semitism… KABOOOOOM. One joke... 

-One joke... 

-KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
 says Israels Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

Photo Wikipedia

Toronto’s Mayor Offered Job In Mexico

Mayor League. -We need a guy who’s been around town. Too many politicians are too perfect these days. They live in the cloud. Ford has his feet firmly placed on the ground, we need that now. We don’t need another leader looking for a high in the shy. It always end in disaster, says Mexico Joé.

Ford on the other hand has the following statement: -20 years ago I would have been the President of Colombia, that is unfortunately not possible any longer, but I'm a strong supporter of local dealerships.

Photo HiMY SYeD / photopia

Doctor Gets $2.7 Million For Recommending Horseshit

Doctor cash. He willingly admits he is the type of person who would have done great working for Hitler. -I’m very versatile, I got few standards, I would have done great with Stalin and Mao too, says the doctor who’s building a new home with 17 bathrooms.

-My latest wife always ask me the same question. What are we going to do with all this money? And I tell her: more bathrooms. Why? Cause I’m full of shit.

-I marry cause I forget their names. It’s easier that they're all “wife”. It’s a role they step into and they all play really well to begin with.

-It’s the bathroom part they can’t handle. Why do you spend all your money on bathrooms? It’s the same whining every time. It’s so disappointing. I think I’ve found the right one and she turns out to be hollow.

Photo dno1967b

Medicine Manufacturer Pay Close Attention To Population Growth

Greed is growth. -The most important thing is not that people live longer, but that they buy their drugs from us. If not, we rather seen them die.

-In fact, if they get their medicine from one of our competitors we prefer killing them... whatever it takes to beat the competition.

-But as for now we’re currently not allowed within the framework of our company. Which is why we into extend into law and weaponry.

Photo thedib

Typhoon Survivor Swear He Will Come Back As Mental Hitler Or Jesus

Doctor Who. -It’s either or. I don’t know which yet. My mind is blocked at the moment. I lost everything, my family, my friends, my car… so I don’t know which I will land on, but it will be one of them for sure.

The emergency psychiatrist at the camp has mentioned to him on a number of occasions that there’s nobody who’s asking him that question.

-It pisses me off when she says that. I’m clearly chosen for greatness, he says staring at the camp he shares with 2 million other survivors.

-I don’t understand why they resent the question. This is the perfect place to find out. Where else can I do role-play on a scale like this? Technically we can still blame the Typhoon should it go wrong.

Photo EU Humanitarian Aid and Civil Protection

Homeless Filipino Not Ashamed After The Typhoon

Ocean 11. -Being homeless saved me from seeing it vanish and not having a family spared them from drown, says José.

-I’m at a place in my life now where I can’t sink any lower, so a Typhoon isnt’s something I’m particularly afraid off. It usually means free food and loads of new friends. I shouldn’t be saying this, but my wish came through.

Foto akosihub

The Nazi’s Understood When It Was Time To Surrender, Al-Qaeda Doesn't

Underdumb. -Hitler would never go at an enemy 1 billion time stronger than himself. He made sure he was the most powerful before he went for it. 

-He would never attack an enemy who has thousands of nuclear bombs without having one of his own, certainly not with a slingshot. Al-Qaeda never got that concept, says the History Professor At Virginia University.

Photo Adelaide Archivist

UN Wants 300 Years Of Stability In Germany Before Stopping Surveillance

Look Who’s Listening. They’ve done it twice, the danger of genocide will always lurk in the background of German politicians. It didn’t take more than 30 years from WW1 before they where at it again, so we like to keep an ear on you for at least 250 more years.

-Off course, as you say Merkel, friends don’t spy on each other, but you are not an ordinary friend, you are a friend with a history. We’re not letting you out on probation after killing millions just yet. Not in a million years.

Photo Wikipedia

Ghostwriter Looked Like He Had Seen A Ghost

Writer's cock. -I had finished my autobiography and after reading it through I realised I had. I should have written it in my own name.

-Everybody know ghostwriters are behind celebrity books. Their not known for writing. If they where: that's what they would be doing, but they don't, cause they suck at it.

-They're like the kid in school who's terrible at everything and suddenly hands in this master peace everybody know he copied from the web. That's what I do for a living. I should have used a ghostwriter.

Photo kusmierz

Smoking Doesn't Kill Enough Says Chinese Executioner

Murder she smoked. -It doesn't at all take the toll of my job. I got people lined up further than the eye can see and a breathtaking 1.2 billion people living outside these walls, are you kidding me?

-If it was up to me the whole country would be on heroine.

Photo Wikipedia

NSA Has Had It: -You Deal With The Terrorists

Oy! -Next time a bomb goes off and believe me it will, go to Edward Snowden and Julian Assange for help cause we’re not doing shit, says NSA in a statement to the cry baby governments in Europe and the rest of the world. -Your on your own now, we’re shutting down.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

2D Printers Was Good For When People Thought The World Was Flat

Print Your Reality. -Iran looks forward to make nukes with 3D printers, terrorists look forward to make drones and cops looks forward to make fake evidence, says 3D contractor Tyler Gone.

-I’m gonna make a fake passport, print out a hole stash of cash and leave it all.

Photo Creative Tools

Journalist Got Upset Stomach From Covering Horrible Trial

Monday morning case. -I spent more time in the toilet than the courtroom, after 15 minutes I couldn't handle it any more. It was too dark, says journalist Ben Spencer who covered the trial for Time Magazine.

-I don't even know what happened day 2 so I made up something. I haven't received any complaints, probably cause nobody read more than the headline. I spent the rest of the week at the hotel room watching porn to get it off my mind.

Photo TheeErin

Who Killed Osama bin Laden More Secret Than Who Killed JFK

The Who. -It's for different reasons, off course, Osama is more for personal interest than JFK who is a matter of national interest or pride if you will. I know cause i wasn't there. I wasn't brainwashed by the events, says conspiracy sensationalist Larger Dumb.

-And then there's Who Killed Roger Rabbit which I don't remember even though I saw the movie twice.

Photo Fibonacci Blue

X-Men Don’t Celebrate Xmas: Santa Is Not One Of Us

What does the Wolf say? -He’s like a repair man who gives away shit to make people like him. We save the freakin world yo! We don’t waste our time on toys. He’s a pussy, says Wolverine.

-We could really need his help, but he's always at his toy factory. Bla bla bla bla bla. When kids reach a certain age they understand Santa’s full of shit, but he never face it cause there's always new ones coming. If people could stop f@#king we could get an end to this!

Katy Perry Bitten By Tiger

Lion Queen. The pop star where attacked by a cat activist in the London Zoo. Apparently the tiger didn't like how they where represented in her music video and tried to correct it by attacking her.

-They are brutally aggressive and violent, says Zoo keeper Danger Stupid. They are the reason dinosaurs where extinct - they ate them, but thats kept secret from the public to avoid panic.

-Crocodiles only survived cause they could hide in the water. If tigers could swim they would eat whales. That's all tigers do, eat and rape other animals.

Photo Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer

Bob Dylan Blown Off Stage In The Philippines

Dylan has left the building. -Thats a way to go, I'm sure he would have liked that, but for now we're concentrating on finding him, says his stage manager.

Where is he? -That answer my friend, is blowing in the wind.


Photo Wikipedia

China Sends The First Human To Mars

Beyond expectations. 102 years old Hu has been selected by the Chinese National Space Administration to be the first person landing on Mars together with her cat Bobo.

Hu, who currently serve a lifetime sentence for stealing a fortune cookie back in 1918, says she looks forward to getting a window with a view.

CNSA use their unfinished landing technology to justifies their choice of personnel and adds a crash landing is still higher regarded than an unmanned probe. -We're launching thousands of these, one will make it.

Photo jadis1958

Swiss Space Program: -We're Sticking To Earth

Lost in Space. -If we can make it to the top of the mountain we consider it a success. Anything more is gravy. There is a limit to how far we can go in a shuttle made entirely by Swiss Army Knifes, says Swiss Astronaut Gunter Time.

-It's so much easier shooting up a cable and drag the vehicle afterwords. You got to understand, if Christopher Columbus had access to a big enough canon and enough rope he would have discovered the moon.

John Kerry Not Diagnosed With Horse Face Cause Nobody Dare To

-I never looked at it like that. I've always seen myself as the
face of the Democratic Party.
Facial. While kids across the Western world receive letters reading "you suffer from horse face", the Foreign Minister of USA, who looks like a stallion more than anyone, doesn't. 

-I can't get myself to mail the letter, says the doctor who diagnosed him based on his many TV appearances. -It's so obvious, it's the only thing I can think of when I see him. There's that horse guy again.

-You might ask, what's the point of diagnosing their looks? To help. We can make them look like cows.

Bruce Willis On Getting The Call: We're Ready For You To Blow Up Earth

The weight of acting. -The only way I can get through days like that is to act it out. If I tried to bear the weight layed on my shoulders after the director yells cut, it would crush me to the centre of earth, says Bruce in a serious moment of fake.

-I have to let go. Especially as an actor.

-I haven't experienced any of the stuff I portrait onscreen, I have no clue really how to deal with it, so it's important I snap out of it right away. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to fake it anymore.

Photo  Hot Rod Homepage

India's Mars Mission: -It's A Mars Probe, Not An Anal Probe

Life of smart. -We're not taking samples, we're bringing dog urine to mark our territory before China does it, says computer genius Hash Tag at India’s space organisation, ISRO.

-NASA can't claim Mars by burning rubber on it. Everybody know you take your dog.

-The world press has difficulty understanding why a country like India who can't feed it's poor spend money on low cost space technology?

-First of all it's a subject we take at a job seeking course. Everything is outsourced these days. We need to bring the business back to India. Now I can put Mars mission on my cv. It's not a big deal, for most people here it's like taking the computer driving licence. They don't even care.

Photo Eric Kilby

New Mayor Of New York: -What... Me? Ok, I'll Do It

Tarzan saves the city. Former mental patient Steve Wrong becomes the first Democrat to lead the city since the 80s. -I will continue where they left off, says Mayor Wrong who is too drunk to make a public appearance.

-My first initiative is a frisk and search initiative for white collar crime only meaning, if your black and Wall Street dirty you can walk.

-I will keep you posted on my whereabouts through my secretary. Don't get too excited.

Photo Toronto Sun

Brazilian Tycoon On Going Bankrupt And Starting At McDonalds Again

-You don't get these at McDonalds.
Double cheese. -First of all, I have never worked at McDonalds and I never will. Guys like me don't, even when we fall. That's why we have Golden parachutes, says Eike Batista.

-Just enough to keep us off the ground until we land safely. I have fallen before and I can fall again. I have nothing to prove.

Photo 5x Favela, Agora Por Nós Mesmos

Morsi: -You Can't Handle The Change

John Kerry: -He sure can fart.
A Few Bad Men. Egypt's deposed president, Mohamed Morsi, has broken his silence since being removed from power. -I can't hold it anymore. I got to fart, pfffffft... ahh... that was great. One more: pft ah...

-I don't want a lawyer. It's rigged. I want a cookie jar.

-I will sit in the courtroom and take the lid of the cookie jar and eat and fart like I'm watching tv.

-I can gas a room. I'll make the judge run out of there.

Photo United States Government Work

Burt Reynolds Found In Syria

Dr. Livingstone, I presume. Living under the name of Nouri Al-Mismari, Burt Reynolds has found new peace working for the government in Syria.

-I was was lucky, it' a great gig. I get to put deliver long speeches everyday and nothing has to make sense. The audience here don't expect it. They expect me to abuse power.

-I've never had so much fun. I should have made more art films...

Photo Wikimedia commons

Public Transport Worker Enjoy Marathons

Sub democracy. -I like to see the masses move themselves while I sit on my fat ass and watch it on tv. Ahh... I love it. It makes it all worthwhile. Revenge is mine. Ha ha!

-First plant the idea of long distance transport in their head. Get them to buy a car and get used to it. Remove the vehicle, introduce the mass commuting trains and busses, let them have it for a while and then arrange a marathon.

-It's beautiful. And they have them all around the world like democracy came to the Middle East and worked. But the best part is, they have to pay for it and it costs more than a subway ticket!

 Photo lepoSs

Halloween Survivor Talks About The Aftermath

Post Halloween. -The came at our door. The memory will never go away, but we try to learn to live with it, says Jewlian Andrew.

-We fled to the Middle East next. There we're safe. It's one of the few places left where they have no tradition of Halloween other than every day is like Halloween.

-There's no school here so I play survivor with my sister every day. Sometimes our parents join us and takes us on trips to new exciting places. It's like Grand Theft Auto in 3D. It rocks!

Photo automationtx

Ted Wishes He Was An Actor In The 70s

Theme party. -If I knew this I would have signed up at the Police Academy instead of acting school. Watching those cop shows growing up it always looked like they had more fun than the real guys.

-The director always tell me "try to imagine", "try to imagine"... it's a lot easier if a truck is following me!

Photo Bob Bekian 

The Dalai Lama Supports Medical Marijuana: The Debate Is Over

Peace of drugs. -We have to figure out a way to get sick so we can get hold of some. Why can't anyone support party marijuana? says college student Trey Darker.

-I want to get high. I so want to explore the outer mind, but I can't get there with milk. I need the right fuel. Did anybody question NASA for using rocket fuel when entering space?

Photo Kris Krug

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...