Bob And Ann Both Agree The 70s Looked Better In The 70s

Real-time travel. -Back then athletes used drugs to make their hair look good. There was no money in sports then you know, it was all about style, says Bob.

-Kids these days are so busy with their gadgets they forget about their hair. It's weird how the focus change. Put on a musical and name it Hair today, can you believe that? A musical? We went to see musicals?! Musicals?!!!! says Ann.

-I got to fart. Let's go.

 Photo MissChatter

Superman Uses Superman Aftershave

Scent of a Hero. Clark Kent, not to be mistake for Barbie Ken, reveals in Doppelganger Magazine that Superman has his own cologne.

-He says it's important to smell great when he saves the world, otherwise he might mistaken for the bad guy.

-He always shave and comb his hair before he flies out on a rescue mission. There's so many cameras now, he has to look good all the time - even when he's fighting. That's why  he brings an action make up kit. It can fix everything within the blink of a flash.

-Chicks digg it.

Photo Warner Brothers

Disco Pope Declare Free Love And Sex For Everyone

-Let's boogie!
Hit it! -Jesus wasn't gay, but I'm more unsure about some of his followers. There obviously got to be a few fruities there. Follow a man 24/7 365 for years?! These people had no lives.

-If they wasn't gay before they saw Jesus, they definitely must have becomed it when they meet him. He was a charmer you know. Definitely a gay alerter.

-Thats where this whole gay ban came from. The church leaders at the time was afraid Jesus would turn the Catholic Church into a gay sex club. They could loose half their membership base. But we have lost half our membership base now, so I say, fuck it. Let the bitches in. We need them now. We ned all the gay *&%@ we can find.

Photo chilangoco

Putin Wrestles A Bear

Mixed Spieces Arts (MSA). -We popped by the woods on our way to Saint Petersburg. Putin knows of a couple of good bear spots from his KGB days, says Karlow, Putins pilot.

-As soon we reached the ground Putin jumped off right onto the bear and forced him to the ground. Broke his neck and jumped back on the chopper. It's brutal. It's like watching MMA.

-We made 3 fight stops. Putin had a morning meeting with the mayor of Saint Petersburg so there was no time to go crazy.

Photo Dave Proffer

Rosie And Jack Love To Horse Around

Animalistic. -We put on our serious face and walk around as humans to see who can keep it up the longest.

-Rosie always gets me. After two rounds looking like idiots I can't hold it anymore. I crack up, says Jack.

-We took on our sunglasses once and went to the village. You should have seen those faces.

-A horse would never show this to humans, because we prefer to run when your'e around, but it's the most awesome move ever; the moonwalk.

Photo Douglas J O'Brien

Dubai Cancel The Violence Against Women Championships

Islamic Games. The national beat rape cup will go on, but the Commonhate Nations will not meet in Dubai this year for their annual gender racist game.

-It's a game best played in the dark. With so much of the worlds attention directed at Dubai it's hard to follow the rules.

-The games will continue, but the new host nation will be kept secret until the winner is announced.

-The United Arab Emirates can't both be a tax heaven and a violence heaven. We have to choose and we have chosen money.

-We are quite frankly afraid the international contesters will never, says Dubai spokesman.

Photo Waters technology

It's A King!

Royal All Mighty! The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby King 4.28 pm today. He is in good conditions, but to young to rule, says the obstetricians at St Mary's Hospital.

-He only weights 8lb 6oz and needs to grow up first and we strongly recommend a decade or two practising the Kingdom.

Boxing promotor Mike Tyson agrees with the medical staff that 8lb 6oz is too light to rule the world. -He needs to put on weight to have some impact, but he doesn't have to grow up. I strongly disagree there.

-The wiser he gets the less we'll see of him. He needs to stay childish to have a chance in modern celebrity culture. Otherwise he will be outnumbered by reality stars.

Photo graziano88

Monkeys Derived From Humans

Monkey business. New research proof that it's not humans who derive from monkeys, it's the other way around.

-When we found this information we asked the University, who pay for the research, "Do we really want to go down this path?"

-In my mind some things are better left unknown. There is no need for us to know we walk around with monkey butts for brains, says the researcher and reveals one other major discovery. Monkeys choose to live like they do.

-They can develop like us if they want to, but they don't. Every time they look at us they shake their heads; what a waste of life.

Photo US Mission Geneva

Birthaton

Royal Street Birth. The British Stork is late. It's scheduled arrival is delay into further notice due to landing adjustments at Heathrow delivery centre. Kate Middleton and Prince Williams' baby is circling above London into further notice.

Photo BriYYZ

Kenny's Still Laughing At That Joke From 2nd Grade

Still funny after all these tears. -It's been a good ten years now. In the beginning we was afraid he could die, but now we wish he would, says his parents.

-Unfortunately laugher makes him live longer. So whatever could kill him doesn't work.

-Laughter is not the best medicine. A sledgehammer is. Or sometimes a gun, says his neighbour Old Benny. -I would give my life to silence that shithead, but I've already promised myself to the Queen and country, so I got to stick around a little more. You never know with those Nazi's.

Kenny himself has no comment to the situation since he's too busy laughing, but he shares a prepared statement: To whom it may concern, -You must not tell me another joke. If I find it funny I will laugh at that too. They can already hear me at the end of the street. Our house sound like a 24/7 sitcom. If it gets worse the army might storm the neighbourhood and put me to sleep.

However, his parents see light in the tunnel. -He moves out on completing high school. It doesn't matter if he has to start all over again, he's out and he knows it. If he doesn't he'll suffer severe brain damage from an accident.

Photo Nic's events

World Peace Finally 1 % More Realistic

-There's no war in the blue areas, only the brown.
The less the better, says Sterner.
$. With the polar ice caps melting, sea levels rises and leaves less territory for fighting. -We estimate world peace will be reached in the 23rd Century, says geologist Sterner at GiveMeMoney.

-Humans have tried this for centuries with no other result than making it worse. We are the only species who try to end a problem by doing more of it. This is very alien to aliens.

-In space we see no sign of warfare. Probably cause all the planets have dried out. If you study planets closer you'll find there's no evil activity on dry ones. Only wet ones. So earth has to either dry up or drown it's own evil.

Photo shaire productions

-Some People Think I Was Born In The Woods And Raised By Monkeys

Whitzploitation. -While in fact, I lived in a white house long before Obama moved into one, says Forest Whitaker.

The Oscar winning actor believes these wild speculations come from the intensity of his performances.

-Black audiences aren't used to the intense behaviour I portrait, their used to loud bash yelling and shouting.

-But I didn't grow up in a black neighbourhood. I grew up in a white angry middle class. That's how they behave.

-I'm not doing monkeys, I'm doing whitey's.

Photo Defense Imagery Mill

Snowden Voted Sexiest Whistleblower By Cosmopolitan

Jaw dropper. -Their usually ugly so our readers doesn't care much, but in the case of Edward Snowden... that guy is hot. He's like a computer model. A hacker turned hunk!

-If all men could turn out like that after a lifetime on the computer.., says Cosmo editor Laura Hash.

-What makes him stand out is his ability to dress. He doesn't look nerdy at all, just underfed, thats so sexy now.

-And he's so sensible. He really care about the American people. He cares so much he whistles for us. Isn't that adorable! It's so sweet.

-Any man who can play like that and have the whole world listening is a hunk pr definition. His tunes have captivated the world for weeks. He's the Justin Bieber of whistleblowing. So if he can't find asylum, there's millions of Cosmo readers who'll give him shelter. I mean, screw NSA. This man is a man!

Photo theguardian

USA Prepare WW3 To Get Edward Snowden

Counter-intelligence. -We will bomb every nation working against us. Even the once's who's thinking about it. It's called pre-active warfare.

-They know who they are. They know we do too. Let's just say the drones are on the way.

-So, if your planning to go on vacation to any of the following places: Hong Kong, Moscow, Venezuela or any latin country including Canada, don't.

Photo Commons Wikimedia

City Boy Doesn't Even Bother To Check His Mailbox

You've got ads! The 20 something city slacker, code for student, stopped checking his mailbox sometimes last year.

-Even after I quit marijuana, I couldn't get myself to open it. Every time I walked past it I said to myself "next week".

-It wasn't until I bought a lot of shit on Amazon that I realised, damn, I can't download it on my smartphone.

I had to figure out where I left the key. A sledgehammer would fix it, but that would ruin my package... When I finally found it, after hours of searching, the package wasn't there?!

-This shit takes days?! What planet am I on, Jesus.

Photo AdventureJay

Lance Armstrong: Neil Armstrong Used Drugs Too

Spaced out. -I know you're not suppose to swear in front of children, but Neil f#@king did it too! Listen, I used  some stuff to bicycle, okay. Neil went to the f#@king moon! Imagine the shit he took, yells Armstrong to the little kido.

-I couldn't even beat a car, that guy brakes gravity and you're accusing ME?! What wrong did I do? Stay on earth?

Photo bpende

Doping Completely Gone In Tour de France

It's a beautiful world. -You can tell by how everything is the same. Nobody rides slower. Nobody talks about it, thats probably the safest indicator nothing is wrong, says doping tester Lubudu.

-With so many journalists present, they would smell it in a second. It's the same journalists who covered Armstrong!

Photo charel.irrthum

Asiana Disaster Pilot Offered To Fly Snowden To Venezuela


Blast away. -He has the right qualifications to fly the whistleblower from Asia to South America, if he's unavailable we got a 3 year old monkey and a dolls lined up, but we prefer the pilot. We believe humans are more trustworthy, says Ortega Corrupto from the International Airspace Authorities.

Photo National Transportation Safety Board

By 2050 An Asian-American Will Probably Be The President In USA

Sub China. -And with a chegro foreign minister, says future analyst Crystal Clearview from Alabama, Mississippi. -And they'r most likely to have long curly hair.

-40 years from now most countries will be lead by an Asian of some kind. Their not going to settle for corner stores forever. The United Nations building in New York will feel like it's in Chinatown and the G8 meeting will look like a country club for Chinese tourists.

Photo Bob Jagendorf

Who Need Terrorists When Cutbacks Do The Same Damage

Suicide budget. -No train driver? So you say one driver is enough. If one person showed up at work none of this would have happen? 73 carriages.., efficiency can go too far. Would 10 train drivers hurt? Just in case. One per megaton. How little are humans valued, $0.0001? asks Bonzo the Clown.

Photo Canadian Police

Kate Middleton & Prince William Name Their Baby Famous

Royale with Cheese. -It's expected to be the biggest birth since Jesus. It's a blockbuster compared to BeyoncĂ© and the Kardashians. Even with men like Jay-Z and Kayne West in the lineup, says OMG reporter Holly Who.

-Sure, they have they share of fans who'll make an event like this look big, but still, it's nothing close to whats coming. This is the second coming of Christ. Nobody but the British can command world attention and put thousands of planes on the ground to watch a wedding.

-According to NASA, the globe stopped rotating during the ceremony. Crime dropped close to zero world wide. This is as big as it gets. We're talking about the most photographed person ever to walk the earth coming out of her belly.

-By 2130 the population is expected to decline. There simply won't be another time in history with so many people and cameras around as now.

Photo The British Monarchy

Rambo Remakes First Blood In Cairo

The Purple Rose of Riot. The stage is set for the bloodiest remake in the history of motion pictures.

-Rrrr rrr mr mrrr mr rrrr m rrr says Rambo to his press secretary who has given up on trying to understand anything coming out of his mouth.

She kindly slips Rambo a pen and seconds later read his memo "There's 84 million people here. That should be enough for 3 Rambo movies. We're doing a trilogy thing. The first will be called Rambo, the second, Rambo again and the third Rambo again and again".

The director of the film, a current head case at an asylum in Iraq, is handpicked by Rambo himself because he owes him one. -At this stage in the production, we need a guy who understands madness and can keep up with the insanity. We're not really interested in doing this as an art house movie. We're beyond scripts and stuff like that now.

The Hollywood studio backing the movie looks at Rambo 5, 6 & 7 as a no brainer. -There's virtually no production costs. All we have to do is make it in Egypt now and nobody can tell.

Photo SG.hu

Rambo Has Captured Morsi

Silence of the Lambs. Some want his head on a plate while others want to join him for dinner. Rambo, who arrived ahead of schedule, says the people of Egypt must await the situation.

Rambo's spokesperson Mohamed Al Mohamed told Egyptians in a brief press conference that nobody is eating Morsi. However, if the opposition runs out of food, he will consider it.

Photo Gigi Ibrahim

John Rambo Is On His Way To Egypt

Reality Rambo. The former Vietnam / cold war vet and current action star John Rambo is on his way to Cairo to help create total mayhem.

He has, according to unknown sources, brought enough ammo for at least 5 movies.

There is a certain expectation in the air that the news report from that part of the world will be spectacular over the next couple of weeks.

Hollywood studios where considering which superhero to send right up until the last demonstration when they felt this is more Rambo territory.

-Rambo knows how to get world attention using violence, says head of marketing at Foreign Box Office. He's expected to get there tomorrow after a slight delay getting through customs at JFK.

Photo Binder.donedat

Who Need Drug Tests When The Cyclists Name Themself Omega Pharma

France in the background.
Tour de Testosterone. The Tour de France cycling team Omega Pharma Quick Step takes no risk at hiding the obvious.

-We don't want to end up like Armstrong in 10 years. If anybody got objections against us, say it now. Otherwise your silence will be used against you later.

Photo John. john

There's Some Guys Who Don't Take No For An Answer

Power to the person. -Whenever I loose a discussion I go home and fetch my tank. It's my best card when I'm up against someone who doesn't understand the power of the worse argument, says Dexter.

-You might ask why the h... does guys like me bother to reason? It's to avoid waste of ammo. If I can avoid bloodshed with reasoning, I'll do it.

-For example, I'm in a store asking for the price on fish and the clerk tells me a price I don't like, I try to reason with him before I drive my tank through it.

-For instance, me and the guy on the beach here had different views on who gets his fish. Now that I bring my deal braker he agrees with me.

-There are benefits of having a positive attitude towards life. I don't pay taxes. I don't have to go through airport security. I can lend as much money I want from the bank and never worry about paying it back.

Photo Defense Imagery

Most Foreigners Don't Know What's Going On In Egypt

Democrafobia. The news reports had close to zero effect globally. They showed some fighting and that's it.

Non-Egyptians tend to be either too far away or to consumed with their own problems to care.

There was very few people from other parts of the wold participating in the demonstrations. Very few stood up infront of their tv and said "we got to do something" and actually did. Actually nobody did. The majority said "I got to take a leak".

Maybe they'll have better impact with mud wrestling?

 Photo oxfamnovib

Fighter Pilot Fired After Returning From Airstrike In Stormtrooper Costume

Earth Wars. -I no way I'm going home without a real life Stars Wars experience. It's not the same without the costume. You need the gear to get the full rush. The army outfit looks too serious. We're killing people. It's ridiculous, says Luke Skywalker Junior.

-To see the Death Star go down for real... It's unbeatable. Especially when you use the force and attack with your eyes closed.

Photo warriorwoman531

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...