USA Sells Out

-Yes, we are acctually putting the whole country on sale. Highest bidder gets it. It includes a mortgage in China, but other than that it comes with plenty off cool stuff. Nukes, people of all kind, shape and sizes, awesome cities and plenty of land. It's a bargain, says country estate dealer Johnny Badstone.

-The adds will run in USA Today from Friday. Cash only. No credit cards. Place you bids ladies and dictators!

Photo Unsplash

-I Could Do This Kinda Maintenance In Cleveland

-Sometimes it hits me really hard that what I do is basically the same my dad did at the local auto repair shop, says astronaut Johnson.

-It's just that where my dad walked to work, I spend 30 years just getting there. Which means I only get to go to work once.

-I wont live long enough to commute. Christ, I have to focus on getting home before I run out of oxygen!

Photo skeeze

Erdogan First Politician Turned Rapper

Erdogan went onstage in his first concert since going hip pop on the world and put down a badass gangsta rhyme.

-He was free flowing, man. He is bad. He was rapping about how big his dick is, that he got an army, don't fuck with me or I'll kick your ass. It was the shit, says hip hopper DJ B.

-Then he went on about all his bitches. It was sick. Look out Drake, there's a new game in town. A motherfucker with a nuclear bomb.

Photo  Dosyanın açıklaması

Mexicans Make Money On The Wall: Come Throw Eggs On It

-The wall represent a huge business opportunity for us. The whole world hates Trump, come to Mexico and release that anger. We will paint Trumps face across the entire wall, says local hombre Jose.

-For a few pesos you can throw rotten tomatoes, eggs and dead snakes on his it. We'll make billions, trillions!

Photo DirtyOpie

Lenin Farted Inside the Mausoleum

Blast from the Past. It's the smelliest fart in history according to Guinness World Records. Nobody has carried a fart for so long. It's clearly deadly.

-We didn't hear a thing. Suddenly red smoke rose up from his butt cheeks and it triggered the nuclear missile defence system in Kremlin. They where so close to bombing us. Thank God it didn't leak through the mausoleum. Otherwise it would wipe out Moscow.

Stalin is rumoured to return from the dead and kill even more Russians than he did when he was alive with the most vicious fart. His diet was so toxic compared to Stalin that the Russian Defence Minister plans to blow him up in space before he wipes out the entire former Soviet Union.

Photo Themightyquill

Blue Whale Crashed with Nuclear Submarine

Collision Course. The 24 meter long whale front collided with a US Army Sub outside Japan early this morning. Readings on Richter scale confirm that the mammal and crew onboard got away with minor damage.

-It's either minor or massive, it's no in between with these accidents, says Japanese Nuke expert Bakuhatsu Nomikomu.

Photo Wikipedia / NOAA

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...