Investigation Shows The Icelandic Volcano Was Set Off By A Firecracker

Earth floor. The identity of the kid who threw a $1 firecracker from China into Eyjafjallajokull minutes before it erupted is kept secret by NASA.

-The number of airlines ready to sue the boy will make him want to jump into the volcano. As a space agency, we are better off without another gigantic plume of smoke.

-We got research to do. People got places to go.

Photo Wikipedia

Fatuma Makes $2.000 A Week For Looking Dumb On Camera

Cash cow. She is the highest paid actress in Kenya and appears regularly in international media outlets, mainly Western.

-I do poor woman in Africa stories in print, web and tv. I've been on the cover of Time Woman of the Past Issue, Sports Illustrated Hungry Edition. I've bin on BBC Africa 40 times... I make a good living, says Fatuma.

-Other women who are equally exposed has to get a new dress every time. I don't.

Photo DFID - UK Department for International Development

Nice Substitute For World Domination

Restored order. Putin says in an interview that he is happy with the Olympics and that it's a nice substitute for world domination.

-Russia is the only country who can pull this off. I am very pleased with our demonstration. Everything after this will look like shit. Who else can arrange Winter Olympic in the summer? Who? Tell me one nation. One.

Photo Commons Wikimedia

Russia Has Not Used So Many Cannons Since WW2

Arms race. The US Army is paying close attention to Putins use of snow tanks during the Winter Games. The is no natural snow in Sochi and the Americans see this as an inciting of a new Cold War.

-They are demonstrating their ability to freeze out an entire city. What's interesting is that they do it to their own people. Little has changed in Russia. Their still willing to sacrifice millions, says general US Paranoid.

Photo Snow Tech

Jamaica Regret Not Sending More Than 3 Athletes To Sochi

Imagine that. -Doing winter sports in the summer capital of Russia?! We are the hash capital of the world. This is the perfect conditions for us. It's pure madness, says Jamaica's head coach.

-After a joint they fit right into anything.

Photo Wikipedia

The Beaches In Sochi Is Packed During The Winter Olympics

Empty Arenas. -I'll rather sit on the beach. I've seen snow before and I don't want to see it again. It's why I moved here. Girls are more interesting on the beach, says Andrei.

Photo Wikipedia

Harry Styles From One Direction To Play Wolverine

No kidding. -I'm made for this role. I need to vent my frustration with this one-dimensional band. I need to get angry.

-I got layers! I'm a pop singer and a violent actor.

-I'm so the next Hulk.

Photo One Direction Blog by Scapula

Bodybuilder Ate World Food Reserve

Ups. -I didn't intend to, but I'm preparing for the Olympia and first things first, says the man who ate it all.

How do you justify your enormous appetite to the poor people who starves? -When I win I'll thank them for sacrificing themselves.

-But it's hard for me to think of anything else than myself, says the man who is responsible for the global food shortage. I'll probably be more up for a snack.

Photo  n-o-n-a-m-e

Dilutes The Panama Canal

Sideways. Panama Canal's administrator Jorge Quijano ensures in a press conference they have enough water for the expansion. -We have plenty of access, on both sides, he says.

-The contractors strike about lack of funds to complete the canal. Let me put it this way. It's the hottest peace of property in the world. It's a money making machine who runs on water. We all want a bigger piece of the pie, but it's ours!

Photo Canal Museum

GILF Is The New MILF

Taking care of business. -We live longer. Beauty doesn’t stop at 30. It's not like you get 30 and it's 70 years of ugly. Each phase is longer, says Ethologist Diane Youngfeldt.

-If you crashed in a mammoths in 110 km/h... there's no coming back from that  - your food. Nowadays people survive plane crashes and get shocked if solders die in war?! Our society has become so cushy that men look at women and 20 years later check out their moms.

Photo Wikipedia

Angela Merkel Made Surprise Visit At The White House

Big Momma's House. -I put on my old lady outfit, left my cell phone at home and took a plane to Washington. Simple as that. I'm not a kind of person who attracts attention without my crew. I went on one of those tours and sneaked into the Oval Office. Boy, did I scare him.

-Next time I'll bring a German Rottweiler.

Photo arne.list

Tim Can Process 260 Terabytes Per Second And Ignore All Of It

Oh my God! - It goes straight trough like it's not happening. Living in suburbia, what good is a car to him? He'll never drive. Tim's ability to ignore what's not important is remarkable. He could take a dumb on a car and care less, says animal specialist Mumbo Jumbo.

-He's not wasting his life jumping for president, he knows it's not for frogs. He's just happy jumping.

Photo mikebaird

Russia Invades North Korea To Give Them Summer Olympics

Host nation. -With the kind of money we spend on the Winter Olympics we should easily carry that out and quite frankly, those kind of sums are reserved for war, says Putin.

-In 2024 we'll put on a great game and leave. Much better than building a democracy.

Photo Максим Рукомойников

Ben Affleck Puts On 40 Pounds To Play Fat Batman

-I'll take the whole menu, twice.
Superdupersize me. -Batman is smart enough to understand kryptonite is the only way to beat Superman. So I needed to give him another obstacle. I mean, Batman will find Kryptonite, says Ben.

Photo Samer M

Will Seth Meyers Be 60 When He Takes Over The Tonight Show?

Now or never. -People live longer, we have to accept that, says Lorne Michaels, NBC's king of late night comedy.

-Just kidding, we have no plans for Seth after the late show. By the time he's done he's too old for anything. If he screws up in 3 or 30 years, it doesn't matter. Nobody gives a 40 year old virgin a second chance.

Photo PandamicPhoto

Most Humans Still Alive Half Way Through Trumps Presidency

-Humanity will survie Trump, says Ali Baba junior, he got less than 2 years left, there's not enough time to kill 7 billion people. ...