-Having your information floating around is the safest way to store it cause nobody can reach it, not even us.
Photo ellhoisa
Steve Jobs says it will not rain information from the iCloud
-Having your information floating around is the safest way to store it cause nobody can reach it, not even us.
Photo ellhoisa
Sepp Blatter new dictator in FIFA
Photo AsianFC
YouToo
In fact, it`s so many the spokeswoman gave up and video shared it instead.
Photo webtreats
Intimate technology
Nobody will listen to music in the future, they will feel it instead. Same with movies, they want to be inn the film. Whats great about this technology is that you can do exactly the same as you would anyway if you didn`t have it.
Photo turkletom
Berlusconi sent to the international love court for crimes against marriage
His party, Fcuk Italy, has been his base for conquering women and votes. For every women, he get votes from men who wish they could do the same. He becomes a way for them to live out their dream. Sadly for Italy, there are enough men like that to give him majority.
What his voters doesn`t realize is that they vote on the guy who took their women. In reality, it`s Berlusconi who live their dream.
Photo torre.elena
US impose aging ban at airports
-It`s still legal to get older at home, but in public it`s getting harder and harder to find places to age, cafe`s wont let us breathe and libraries shuts the door says Rahmond, 86. It`s coming to the points where our only option is growing old dreadfully.
Photo gliuoo
Acropolis before they teared it down
-It was when the insurance claim came we sat down to create the myth. Cameras where still hard to find in those days, all we needed to prove our scam was drawings and some bogus stories.
-I heard the dinosaur people was up to something similar. They where opening a museum and had their merchandising screwed up by this lunatic designer. But it sold like crazy. In fact the exhibition was so boring everybody went to the gift shop. Then one of the guys went "Let`s redo this" and next thing you know an archaeolog with money problems goes along with finding these "huge skeletons".
-The fraud brokers behind the finance crisis seems to be the only ones who learned anything from our history.
Photo MattJP
MacBook Amateur
-It turned out to be really complicated. Their so used to making great stuff they completely forgot how to f@#k shit up. We ended up headhunting employees from Microsoft to speed things up. I think it`s the longest development process we have ever had here. When they finally finished the prototype everybody got really disappointed. The stupid machine worked.
-No matter how hard we threw it into the wall it would not stop working. It was like "Oh my God, we got a new bestseller, not again, please lord...".
-I don`t know what we`re going to do now. Hire a bunch of retards? Apply a Hitler code of work ethics? Nothing works. Not even naming one Air helped. "Hey, it`s just air, it`s nothing inside you wont find in an airhead. Why the hell do you need a computer made of air when you got cloud computing for free?!" I give up.
Photo Serigne Diagne
-Beer helps me focus more clearly on the game
-You would think they had space enough for chairs to everyone, or at least be thrilled if anyone showed up. Instead it seems like the more they treat us like pigs, the more we want it. I f@#king pay for this shit. Unbelievable?!
-Thats why I make sure I`m loaded before the game. It`s unbearable. I don`t want to remember anything but the goals and beer helps me do that.
-The only backdraw is I sometimes think it`s a game on my Playstation. I get so furious when I can`t control the players I get mouth diarrhea. The guard doesn`t appreciate my advise and throw me out of the stadium. If only they could tell the players. I can`t believe they don`t value my expertise. I payed to be here!
Photo whereareyousimon
Chinese copnology doesn`t match up for shit
-One would think that at least Asians was interested in our stealoventions, but no, those arrogant pricks wants the American stuff. I tell them, why waste your money on the new stuff when you can get the old stuff ten times cheaper. By the time you get home it will be ancient technology anyway.
-The great thing about our knowledge is that you don`t have to worry about brakedown. It will brakedown!
Photo World Economic Forum
US Army: -We have to do more nuclear testing where bin Laden is buried
-The dead terrorist testing program has been a succees and we`re now looking into including living terrorist. We could for example do live feed bombings. With the right slow motion cameras that could be a winner on youtube.
-We`re dropping a few internet sensations in the weeks to come. Suicide society is my favorite. It`s gonna kick ass.
Photo ssoosay
US did nuclear testing where bin Laden is buried
-It`s about time terrorists get a feeling of what will happen if they cross the border. We have reached a point now where we have had enough. This is a message to those terrorists who still hasn`t realized bin Laden is dead. He`s dead!
Photo The Official CTBTO Photostream
Oprah gets her own planet
-Anyway, my new planet will start shining universally this Friday and in the other galaxies next Friday.
-My people are also talking to God about doing a program in heaven, but she, it`s a she, is envious. She was like "Don`t go there, girl". -A girl gotta know her limitations, says Oprah before she boarded her Galaxy Force One.
Photo greginhollywood
Obama: -It was when my gray hair popped out I realized I had Irish roots
-Strangely enough it would appeal to rednecks and
make it impossible for people like Sarah Palin to run against me. Who the hell is she gonna appeal to: black men?!
Photo Barnacles Hostels
Men who wear pants while surfing the web spend less time online
-Not that it`s bad.., it was just a shock to us. All this time we though they where the once`s surfing porn online and it turned out to be our employees. It`s San Francisco. What can you do?
-It`s weird to think about, but half of our data halls are filled with porn.
Photo Andrew Feinberg
Unintelligent design
This is unintelligent design. No matter how you twist it, building can`t swim.
Photo surfzone™
Fraud Protection Program
For security reasons we had to erase some bankers out of the photo. As you can not see - it`s working.
Photo Train Chartering & Private Rail Cars
Gaddafi is hiding in a Darth Vader costume
-After the revolutionaries teamed up with the West he build a dictator alliance with Darth Vader. He tried to get Russia and China onboard but they said they had to draw the line somewhere.
-We have to dress up in these storm trooper costumes at work now. It`s really getting out of hand. He walking around with the light saber picking fights with his sons. I have to get out of here!
-He ordered to kill Han Solo?! He thinks it`s the Millennium Falcon whos bombing Libya. His people are following Harrison Ford to find out where he is. I don`t know how much longer I can take this...
Photo Official Star Wars Blog
-Ich bin laden
WMA has reason to believe this is the reason we are not shown pictures of Osama bin Laden. And probably why bin Laden`s kill-inn was shot in the head. It makes the autopsy impossible. Word.
Photo theopie
Trump on why he bailed out
Photo Gage Skidmore
That guy from Thor is Arnold`s love child
Photo Big C Harvey
Arnold reveals he`s the father of 437 love childs in the California area
-To protect the women FBI is offering the Arnold Protection Program to anyone within a 10 miles circuit from me. From now I will also notify Golds Gym 10 min before I arrive to give women time to escape, but also an opportunity to stay.
-I`m currently trying out a new stealth condom which makes the sperm invisible and impossible to detect, but I`ve tried earlier prototypes before and made the mistake of believing in technology. Kevlar can stop bullets, but it couldn`t stop me.
Photo Caitlyn Willows
Johnny Depp attacked by real pirates
-Two minutes later the Movie Seals came and spray killed them. Body parts was flying everywhere. We got it all on film. Too bad we can`t use any of it cause there where no helicopters or automatic weapons in the time period this film is set. You`re just gonna have to believe me as I tell you.
-I hope the President of the Walt Disney Company approves the footage for the blu-ray extra material. It`s the best acting I`ve ever done. Our crew let the camera go as the seals attacked and I got my hands on a AK-47 and went crazy. I think I killed 20 pirates. For real. You should have seen the look on my face. Blood everywhere. Real Blood! I was so excited. None of this fake shit. Then off course, it was cut out to get the "PG-13 rating". Man, am I going to do an X-rated snuff splatter next!
Photo ATempletonPhoto.com
The rape fixer
WMA spoke to the women who knows the guy who has no idea what he`s talking about. He told us to meet mister mysterious at the Shangri la at dawn.
We got there early incase we where late. Beautiful women by the dozens where hooking up with alzheimer`s. Hours went by, days, even months. Who cares what time it is when your surrounded by such beauties.
Before we forgot it, FBI came and ran a guest check looking for a missing mess team. It turned out to be us. Wow, months pass by when your on a hot story. We asked the feds if they knew anything about the rap fixer and they laughed at us. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Then they laughed some more. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Really intense this time.
They handcuffed us into their van, puked and vomited all over us. Farted us in the face and dumped us at the Mexican border with no cash, clothes or pussy. Then they shoveled dirt in our faces until you couldn`t tell what race we where and called the border patrol: "HIV infested malaria refugees are breaking into America to rape our women". And that was all we got to report before bullets came flying our way.
Photo UggBoy♥UggGirl
Toys "R" Us buys Microsoft
-It saves us a lot of trouble says the retired data Engineers at Seniorsoft. Creating new software, expanding the business, hire people... I can`t imagine going through all that again.
-We considered buying Microsoft for years, but found their products too large for our shelfs, says Toys boss del Playa. -Over the last few years the company become so small we decided not to think about it anymore. This is not official, but that night one Toys R Us employee bought it spontaneously when drunksurfing the web.
Photo liewcf
Planking is an old ancient tradition
The old school plankers didn`t snap engravements, run away and publish it on their wall. They did it for the damage. They wanted to die. They wheren`t playing around like kids today. Quality of life was so poor in those days planking was a way of showing disrespect to society and protest against the life they where given.
Cause of the bodies poor state after the plank, each planker had to be preserved before the honorary engravings on the Egyptian wall of fame. Centuries later, when living conditions got better, people forgot about the plankers and mixed them up with mummies, who originally, where large scale diaper users.
Foto p_a_h
Avatar dream came true
-My terapist told me to stop daydreaming. She said I was wasting my time and that I should dream at night when I was asleep.
-Little did I know she was right. She was so right. I really was wasting my time. All I had to do was not remember my dreams when I woke up. That`s how my dream came true.
Photo rafeejewell
Cannes fashion festival
-We do it to plug our movies. If we didn`t I don`t think anyone would notice what was screening. Or even notice if it`s a cinema inside, says Uma Thurman in a fake interview with The Onion.
Photo www.chicagofabulousblog.com
CIA runs Jimmy Kimmel through security one last time before the roast of Osama bin Laden
-But I`m glad his friends couldn`t make it. Self irony doesn`t seem to be their strongest side. Besides, it`s scary enough doing standup as it is. We have to deal with bombing on stange everyday, as if we`re going to have the audience explode too?
Photo Bill Dings
Armani Seals captured the latest fashion trend
Secret Suit. The United States Armani Seals are known for their ability to operate pubs, strip clubs and catwalks, but it is their ability to work under the quilt who separates them from other financial units.
Armani seals are trained in a wide variety of missions including direct approach, special sex operation, unconventional love, foreign flirt, hostage sandwich, counter-marriage and other missionary positions.
It was under an interrogation in Fashion Bashion 8 years the Central Style Intelligence got a tip on where to find the latest trend. They got the name of a model who was carrying the popular trends. 4 years later they where able to locate the model on a fashion show in Milano.
After following him up and down the catwalk for 4 years the undercover agents discovered him delivering clothes to a compound outside Paris. National Fashion Agency ran a Magazine check on the address and it turned out it wasn`t subscribing to fashion TV. When they didn`t find any fashion magazines in the trash outside the compound they got very suspicious and got the feeling someone big within the fashion organization was living here. A stylist or maybe the designer.
In a top secret catwalk operation 24 Armani Seals stormed the compound and took the trend hostage. Unfortunately the designer died in the suit-out, but they got all his drawings...
Photo Dplanet::
President of Pakistan: Why do we have to be neighbors with Afghanistan?
Photo Bahrain Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Future archaeologist will think we where all Chinese
That all our remains was made in one place and shipped around the entire globe is too wild for anybody to even think of.
Photo Archaeologist Ticia Verveer
Putin admits he secretly wanted to hunt down bin Laden and kill him
Putin tells us that all those bare chested shots of him has been mistaken for photo ups while they where in fact leaks from training camps to kill bin Laden.
He also admits that he could really need the 50 million $ reward, but the Americans wouldn`t have to deal with the whole photo issue says Medvedev because there wouldn`t be anything left to photograph after Putin`s done with him.
Photo maiak.info
Signs up for Libya as a regular soldier
-I was born a soldier and I will die a soldier. Few people know this, but I was born on the battlefield. My mother gave birth to me during the civil war and two minutes old my dad gave me my first gun to protect my mom. If you look closely at the declaration of independence you will see my name on it.
-My wife asked me if I`m afraid of Gaddafi and I told her no. I hear he`s crazy, but when it comes to war, I`m crazier.
Photo Barrybar
Donald Trump Celebrity President
-Lissen, other than the birth certificate I was right about everything. It doesn`t matter how good the president is. The power is in the senate. Which is my point. If so, why don`t have me as your leader? You want bullshit, I give you bullshit. Look, you are all fabulous and you can blame me as much as you wish for the birth certificate attack. But, I tell you, you wanted it. You wanted it and you wanted it bad. I gave it too you!
Photo Gage Skidmore
Stoneused jeans
-We could have the people who make them wear them but all the diseases floating around the production plants made us go for the local fast & furious. You don`t want fungus from the pants. This way we actually do some of the ethical bullshit we brag about on our company webpage. It`s unbelievable.
Photo Wootang01
Who to hate now?
-God damit, I spent two hours every day for the last ten years hating this guy. That`s 7.300 hours of pure hatred. He occupied 1/3 of my media time. Thats a big hole to leave in someone`s life. That son of a *@#&%!!
Photo ripkas
Global sunshine
Earth is not a dying star. It`s not a planet who will go to sleep in 7 thousand years. It is a sun who has just begun to shine. Like a car it needs time to get hot. Where a Lamborghini Aventador might need 7 minutes to reach top temperature. Earth might need 7 billion years. The engine is slightly bibber. A 6.5 liter V12 is faster to heat up than a 1260000000000000000000.5 liter V1.08321×1012 km3 planet cylinder.
Most people don`t know that the sun is not a sun. It`s a spark plug under the space hood who`s job is to ignite earth. Those who have realized have been taken recruited to special mental institutions where they are given thought stimulating drugs nutrition to stimulate further discoveries.
Science must be the only field where good timing is a bad sign.
Photo thebadastronomer
Trump-Out
Photo Boss Tweed
Women takes to the streets of Arabia: We can scream too!
-I saw this woman being interviewed by western media and she did the monkey behavior. It was spot on. As good as any man. The tv-crew was mesmerized. When they turned of the camera she went back to normal and left the rest of us wondering where did that come from? She was a major talent, obviously. Imagine walking around with skills like that and having to keep it it cause your a woman?!
Photo AaronBerkovich
New survey confirms old surveys are shit
Photo liz_com1981
All the President's Hair
Photo Beverly & Pack
Groseland
-I might open a sausage shop and sell pork to the infidels. Just to rub it inn.
Photo pentopad
Pakistan: Ehh ohh ahh ahh
Produces opinions to the upcoming election
-I find the scrabble quite helpful when it comes to captivating people`s attention. It`s awkward, doesn`t make sense and totally out of context. Which makes it perfect for politics. Who honestly listens to a politician cause it resonates with your understanding of the world, except for the 2008 Obama edition. Who the hell cares about anything else than entertainment? Have you ever stood up from the coach after hearing a politician and said to yourself. He`s right, I have to do something about this. Scrabble works just fine, says Trumps political adviser.
Photo Chris P Jobling
Osama dumped over Titanic
-We didn`t want to risk having his body floating around or being caught by a fishing boat? To make sure he sank properly we took some precautions during his funeral.
-To prepare his body we stuffed him with explosives like a turkey bomber. Then we laid him in tailor made AMG-119 Penguin missile coffin.
-The original plan was to shoot him into a skyscraper. There where talks about blowing him up in space too. Fire him through a planet and blow it to peaces. It kinda got out of hand. We`re not making Jackass 4 here. Fish food is ok with me, says the general for the super force who took him.
Photo mashleymorgan
Charlie Sheen: I took leave of absence from myself
Photo justaufo
Donald Trump talks about his German heritage, the plan to take over the world and how he got those magic lips
After the stunning applaud Trump revealed the secret to his magic monkey butt lips. -People often ask me, "Trump, how did you get those fabulous lips?" -"Botox".
Photo Gage Skidmore
The 72 virgins complain about bin Laden
Photo markhillary
Drives together for individualism
Photo | El Caganer
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