The iCloud Smoke Alarm Goes Off All The Time

Peace pipe. -It can`t see the difference between fog and smoke. We`ve had 800 fake alarms since we build it, we don`t know what to do other than keep coming says firefighter Ted.

-I must admit its really boring here. I haven`t had a real fire in 4 years and it`s getting on my nerves. These fake call outs doesn`t satisfy me at all.

-A real disaster with explosions and everything, you know, Hollywood style, then it would be worth the wait, but I`m getting my doubts it will ever happen.

-I`m seriously questioning myself, is it worth the wait? I could transfer to a bad neighbourhood and get my daily dose of action anytime, but it never gets big. Those poor f*#@s never have anything big to burn. Something that needs a real hero and makes headlines worldwide.

-I spend most of my days watching fires on youtube. I can`t go on like this.

Photo Google Maps

Egypts Jon Stewart Taken Hostage By Pussy Muslims

Bassem Youssef refuses to sew pillows under his leaders arms.
Republic of dictators. Scared of the truth, Morsi, the big bearded man on top of the Egyptian food chain calls for action to shut up the nations most treasured comedian Bassem Youssef. The one with balls to go out on the limb to defend justice, no matter who he`s up against. Weither it be muslims or home grown dictators.

WMA finds it strange that the leader of 80 million people can be so afraid of the jokes coming from one comedian when it`s his bad leadership who makes them funny. It makes one ask if Morsi really is the leader of a Brotherhood or if it`s really just a Pussyhood in disguise.

Photo Bernameg on YouTube

Mentally Unstable Patient Promise To Settle The Score With Kim Jong Un

-Abrakadabra, Sim Sala bim. Ich bin Harry Potter.
Deathmatch. Jealous for attention Insane Jack issued a statement promising to top whatever came out of the North Korean Leaders mouth and unlike him "keep his word".

-I`ve come to the conclusion mad people like Kim can`t continue taking the attention away from me and my fellow mad men. We are the crazy ones. We know how to take care of business and we are tired of that fat man eating at our table.

-He`s not for real. I know a crazy dude when I see one and he isn`t. He`s a poser. A fake. A retarded image gigolo. He never walk the talk.

-To stop this focus puller I`ve decided to challenge Fat Kim Dong to a stand off in the North Korean jungle. Mado a mado. Come fight like a crazy or shut up for eternity.

Photo Jo Jakeman

Internet Freedom Fighter Realised He Could Just Turn Off The Computer

Computerdoom. -There is no war. It took me a lot of fighting to realize the battlefield is all made up. I made it up, says Nerdy.

-It`s like the weapons of mass destruction. There are no webs of mass destruction. It`s all in our heads. Off course it is.

-If you spend 20 years of your life locked down in a basement you need a really f*@king good excuse to spend another 20 years down there.

Photo giovanni_bonenti

Kim Jong-un Practise To Be A Bastard In Front Of The Mirror

Signature bomb. The Supreme Leader is said to do well among his staff of scared shitless people.

-He`s got that "bad angry boy" look down and he`s getting increasingly better at "fuck you", but he`s still miles away from the "blow up the world" smile. But he`s getting there. He`s come to the point where he believes it himself.

-He refuse to use "death to America" or any of the infidel catchphrase.

-He wants his own signature line and currently consider "I`ll be back". -Hitler took from Chaplin. You steal from the greats. Why would I rebrand a stupid tagline like "It`s crystal clear!" from that stupid Clear Coke disaster campaign?!


Photo Kyodo/Landov

North Korea Threatens To Blow up The Moon

Moon safari. -It soo Americaaan. We hate everything Americaaan, says Chief Idiot of The North Korean Central Bullshit Agency.

-Kim Jong-un feels the need to rearrange the universe. He`s a God, it`s his right to adjust it. He only wants to put his mark on it, assures CI.

The Supreme Leader pointed out why in a speech that was cut from tv for his own good, "We don`t have the technology to go there so we might as well blow it up".

Photo dingopup

Husband Like To Watch Women Bash Each Other Up

Beatbox. His coming wife got increasingly worried about the marriage when she found her fiancée getting boners watching women in cage fights.

-I thought he watched porn, says Carolyn who doesn`t know yet how to handle his newfound enthusiasm.

-I knew he always liked boxing, I suppose he prefers to see women do that too. Do we have to do everything these days? Do we have to make the food and provide the entertainment?

-But now that he sees my sisters in action maybe he listens more...

Photo ilovebutter

How The Hell Can A Tax Heaven Go Bankrupt?

The second coming of, Christ! How f*#ked up is the financial crisis when the hideout place for the stolen money breaks down?

Bailout Cyprus my ass. Let it go under. It`s a gift.

Photo Eric Bézine

The Middle East Don`t Celebrate Easter: Please Change The Name

Beaster. When you look at the map, only a handful of people celebrate the resurrection of Jesus.

Few people know who the Pope is here. They might have heard of him in a joke or two or three... or probably a lot more cause that is the number one thing on the muslim agenda. Talking down everything western.

But they do celebrate the western economic meltdown. But they do that all year round. End to come...

Photo Wikipedia

Teens Don`t Accept Facebook Tributes For Confirmation, We Want Money

-What next, twitter?!
Cash awareness. After years of humiliation birthdays teenagers says no to facebook congratulations.

-The thought isn`t enough. We want hard currency. Hook up your facebook with paypal or shut up, says Adrian who has had enough.

-Do people think love is all we need? Seriously? You think that? How`s love gonna pay for my Porche 911?

-You bastards don`t even bother to buy a card. The older generation paid money to send the gifts they had paid for. So now the money who went into cards and stamps should go into the present. Who are we kidding here?


Photo yellowblade67

Chinese Turn Grey From Pollution

Disturbia. Some are even reported to develop black and white vision to cope with the fog.

-Damn, says Sony Corporation who recently threw away 6 million unsold black and white tv`s from the 70`s. -We could have sold it to the Chinese.

-It`s no point pushing 3D or any other water proof gadget for that matter. They have to be fog proof and 1D.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Terrorist Boyfriend Sends Hate Video To Ex Girlfriend

Arrrgh! Still hurting from the breakup some 5 years ago and unable to move on Jack invested 500 Pounds in a video camera to make hurtful video clips. -I realised after I got the camera that I could as well bought an iPhone. To live with that I`ve changed opinion, now I see it more as an expression of how wrong that breakup was.

-I know we live in a free world, but I don`t. I look at freedom this way: my girlfriend can do whatever she wants as long as she chooses the right thing. It was when I started expressing this she broke up.

-I also got expelled from school and MI6 came to the house talking to my parents about my "views" and how important it was that a guy with my background calmed down. You would think people at that level understood, but their all brainwashed. I had to get out of there.

-I stole a car and drove towards the desert. I wanted to live among my people. After 4 hours I got bored and drove back hoping nobody would remember the last couple of weeks. They did.


Photo Daniel Morris

1.2 Billion People Are Currently Called Geniuses

Smart and stupid hand in hand.
Aku-Aku. According to Smartford Institute there are now nearly more geniuses than poor in our world, if we continue this trend it will at some point be trendy to be poor, especially among geniuses.

1.2 billion people also get labeled idiots every year. SI know for a fact there isn`t that many to label so they take it for granted it`s the same idiots who get those labels every year.

Photo Christina Carlsson

The Bolshoi Brothel

Brothello. Oligarchs aren`t like other superrich. Where a western billionaire or a Saudia Arabian trillionaire would go to a strip club, Oligarchs flash their dicks in Moscow`s Bolshoi Theatre.

-It`s a power trip thing "I can f*#k that ballerina". If she don`t, she never dance again. I don`t care what she choose. I screw her both ways, says Oligarcho.


President Obama Solved The Israeli-Palestine Conflict

Again?! -I want this disagreement to end right now. You both argue about who was here first. I was! says Obama.

-As a representative of the black man I hereby claim ownership of this land.

-All human beings come from Africa. Some whitened up, some stayed coloured. And some even changed colour.

-The cradle of humanity in South Africa is where we all began. If you don`t shut up, the people of Johannesburg will, in the name of violence, take this land back and restore chaos and disorder like you have never seen before.

-Africans know how to f@#k things up. They don`t brag about it, but they will kick your ass any day.

 Photo Official U.S. Navy Imagery

North Korea`s Attack Plan On Washington

North Korean battle soldier.
Dumb dumber. The plans on how NKorea will attack USA leaked on the web and US National Security Agency analysts has the following to say:

-They plan to enter America in canoes, then battle us down with arrows, spears and foul language. They calculate it will take days to defeat USA. When their ready...

Illustration Public domain image

TMZ Hire Troops To Get Celebrity Shots

Dark Zero Thirsty. -It`s better that they fly around in helicopter and take photos than becoming homeless drunks around town, says TMZ`s breaking news producer. -They need the action, we need the photos, the celebrities need the exposure, everybody is happy.

-These former marines will actually break in to the celebrity compounds to get the right picture. We allow them to use infrared laser sight on their cameras to simulate war. Sometimes they rehearse for weeks like their going after bin Laden again. It`s crazy, but we like it.

Photo The National Guard

Who Is NRA Fighting? Birds?

Weapon illness. Who is the National Rifle Association`s enemy? Who is so dangerous they need access to loaded weapons at any given time. The Czech Republic? Are they afraid they will return to communist rule? Or is the NRAians still afraid of the Indians?

Lots has changed since the rifle was the natural choice of protection. The introduction of police, armies and well functioning societies with roads, bridges and airports, even courthouses for those who feel badly treated.

So who are they ganging up against? -Their letting out steam, says NRA expert Daniel Smart. Their all a bunch of hypocrites. What do you expect? Do you expect them to say anything smart? Ha! They will never add value to anything. It`s all about not sharing their own good luck with anybody.

Photo HappyHeartPhotography2010

US Must Add 200 Stars To Add Up For The Loss Of Value In Each One

Inflation. Says the Michelin guys who`s not afraid to admit their from France. -We like to drink wine, not fight. It`s not French you know. We let others do that for us. Especially when it`s for bullshit. Had it been for Champagne instead of oil we would have been there right away. Or Swiss cheese.. mm mm m.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

The World Oceans Melt Ice Caps For Global Domination

Waterworld. -We want to rule this planet once and for all. We want to be the only shining star in the universe. The only silver glittering diamond in the sky, says H2O.

-Poor humans, the fish was smart and adapted to water. They understood that water was the dominant force on earth - not dry land.

-530 millions years ago fish was a human being too. But humans split and went separate ways. One opposed the changing tides and stuck on land while the other changed with the times and went down under. Who won?

Photo FnJBnN

40 Years Ago This Was Cute In My Parents Basement

Basement Jackass. Nowadays I can only do it on stage, at least I got the other half of my dream fulfilled. How many 40+ do you hear complain about the lack of booze in their life? None, says Alfred.

-Okay, I didn`t become a star, but hey, I acted as one! But it was never about the real thing. It was always about wanting to be. If my mates and I had become genuine rockstars. What then? Booze? We already got that covered. More booze? We never thought of that.

-More booze would probably not be good for us. Most definitely probably not. Definitely most permanently not... I think I`ve had enough already.

Photo Marshall Astor - Food Fetishist

Opera Singer Threw Tantrum At Parking Guard

The dark side of the car. When she recognised the guard in the audience she went off script and improvised a 20 minute blow out of pure hate.

-It was awesome, says a guy who was watching. The play was boring so the drama was refreshing. You knew it came from somewhere deep within. Somewhere real nasty. Like Godzilla bad.

Photo Marshall Astor - Food Fetishist

Subway Station Finally Gets Some Rest After A Long And Stressful Day

Train of thought. -I`ve been doing for 109 years. I need a break. Can`t you guys come up with something else? Like streetplanes? If I knew I`d been doing this for the rest of my life I would have signed up for something else. I haven`t seen the sun since the 1904.

-When they review the transit system I beg please shut me down. If only a terrorist could give me euthanasia.

Photo Paul Lowry

Doctor Bond

Who? Doctor Who returns to the streets of London to capture the imagination of tv viewers acros the British Islands and overseas since they Bond it up.

-It`s getting crowded with detectives and superagents in London. Sherlock Holmes, Bond, Lewis... we need more cases to solve, we need more criminals, preferably high tech, says the immigration office.

-Bond alone made a billion at the box office world wide. These characters are our most valuable assets. They must be believable to a certain point. Bond could never come from Nicaragua.

-We have to put up with a certain level of real crime to sell these movies. It`s not historical like Downton Abbey or Jane Austin, that`s a cash cow from one end to another.

-The UK is one of the tiniest countries in the world, but we take an enormous chunk of the global mentality. To keep that up we need to host the Olympics, we need the world richest to come here and play. And we need some bad asses to try f*#k it all up. It`s how we float.

Photo Wikimedia Commons

Kim Jong-un Accidentally Blew Up Pyongyang

Damn. The Supreme Leader of North Korea apologised to his nation on public radio cause he was to embarrassed to show his face on tv.

-I strongly condemn detonating the nuclear bomb in North Korea. It was built for South Korea. But I assure you we will built another one. Shit happens.

Photo kingsandji

Save The Wall

Ich bin ein promoter. -Let`s not have freedom right here, says David Hasselhoff who fought viciously against the Berlin Wall some 25 years ago.

-I know it sounds like I changed my mind, but when I said "tear down this wall", what I meant was, keep a little. I never meant total freedom. Who in the West is totally free? No one. We`re all tied up in bills, payments and loans.

-Thats important to remember. The West is a lie, but it`s a better lie. I mean, it`s still lying.

Photo superde1uxe

Vanilla Ice Claims The North Pole

The Vanilla Ice Arctic Challenge. -I`ve put this on ice for too long. It`s my legacy. I want the rights before the Chinese steals it.

-According to them anything they point at is theirs. Guess what, according to me everything with my name on is MINE! When I get it I`ll redo the place into a humongous ice bar. Party!!!

Photo YoTuT

Steven Seagal Joins The Presidential Club

Vladimir`s boy. Obama wasn`t interested in having Steven Seagal in the White House, so the Russians snapped him before Kim Jong-un got hold of him.

 -He should be thankful cause Seagal had some interesting ideas on how to make peace with North Korea: "Kill Kim". With the balls on that guy he would have done it, says Putin.

-His views are interesting and refreshing, I particularly like his reasoning for killing Kim: "He`s bad", but I think I will ask more about martial arts next time.

Photo Pravda

IOC Members Played Poker In Vegas: "Best Game Ever!"

Cash cow. At the end of the game the winner grabbed the Karaoke microphone and declared it the best game ever.

The runner up took the microphone "No, it`s the best, best, best, best, best game ever".

Then a retard got the mic "No! It`s the best game eva, eva, eva, eva, eva".

Photo Wikimedia

Bankers Best Skill Is Closing His Eyes

-You can`t walk away and close your eyes at the same time.
It looks too silly. You have to choose either one.
Love boat. -My boss love it when I do this. And his boss too. It goes all the way up to the top.

-Same with politics and pretty much any other profession out there. If you want to climb, close your eyes and prey to God disaster hits after you leave.

-You can get far by walking away, but if you want to be, let`say the boss of anything? Close your eyes and make the wish.

Photo uair01

Harlem Shake On Ice

Spasm party. Disney in putting together a brand new show aiming at teenager.

-We having problems developing our core products so we have to rely on outside sources like Pixar for the time being.

-The beauty with this Harlem Shakers is that we don`t need talent to copy that. We need idiots and we got plenty at Disney now. The last talented person to work there left 15 years ago. We need somewhere to put our staff.

Photo Wikipedia

Tire Company Behind The World Known Michelin Guide

Roll Over Bethoveen. Every year a bunch of car mechanics drive around the world and hand out stars to who they think is the biggest baffons in the restaurant business. -Our point system is diametrical. The more stars you get the worse you are at making burgers, says the anonymous driver.

-We figured out the worst slobs at fast food is easier to single out than the high art odours. Chances are their good at the fancy stuff. They got to do something if people eat there. If it`s not for the burgers, then that weird stuff if probably good.

-We also take a look at the menu. Not to see what they got on offer, but to get an idea of the prices. If customers are willing to pay that much for that s*#t, it`s a star in our book. We could never pull that off.  Not in our shop.

-We look at this guide as a way to get away from work. Nothing else. Changing tires all day can get on your nerves. The readers of the guide thinks it`s for the food. No no no. It`s for the ride.

Photo Doug Beckers

Paul Is Convinced The Cardinals Smoke Cannabis

Smokers party. -It`s unormal for steam to moves so slowly out from a pipe. Unless they smoke something. Take into consideration how they dress I assume they do.

-You don`t wear those outfits sober. Certainly not public.

Photo paukrus

Industrial Light & Magic Choosed Another Pope

Wizard of Rome. -We want Brian Adams. We want a guy who can sing and has a few tunes left in him. The new Francis guy... we don`t recognise him, says head of production at ILM George Milosovici.

-And we want him to come to San Francisco on his world pope tour so we can see him live.

Photo Horia Varlan

The Cardinals Blew Smoke Up The Pope`s Ass

Holy cow. Mmmm mm m. That`s right. Right up the chimney... oh my God. That`s so gay. Jesus Christ!

Photo me vs gutenberg

Area Man Looks For Stressful Low Paid Job

Life. -If you can make it suck too I`ll be very happy, but you know, those opportunities are rare these days, says AM.

-I hope I can find something that have awful working hours and disastrous hygiene. Add 4 hour of commuting on top of that, plus salary cuts and I`m in heaven. Who wouldn`t want to die for a job like that?

-No wonder people kill themselves.

Photo Raphael Labbé

Rich People Shit Too

-We could build it without toilets, but then at one point they would have
come back to us and said "Wait a minute, we didn`t think about guests".
Fine poo. Dissapointed? Never though of it like that? They do. A lot of people think they are full of shit, but research show that they don`t produce anymore shit than middle income people.

-They leave a bigger turd in the toilet than poor people, but thats more because the poor haven`t eaten that much and sometimes they shit outside. So the load they leave here doesn`t reflect the amount of crap they produce, says the butler at Smash Mansion.

Common knowledge predict that people living under the poverty line would shit as much as the rich if they had money to fill up their stomachs. Doctors confirm this belief. -A poor mans belly can be much more efficient if it is filled up regularly.

-It`s like a car. If you run out of gas you crash. But the human smash looks different. In addition to stop go stop go at the end, they try desperate things that are fun to watch and quite profitable to diagnose.

Photo Jim Linwood

British Police Is Afraid Of Famous People

Partners in crime. -We`re okay with drug lords, murderers, rapists, nut celebrities...ugh. Their scary, their so scary we let them do their thing, says Scotland Yard in the aftermath of Jimmy Savile scandal.

When asked the question "Do you understand how dumb you sound when you say that?" the Metropolitan Police Service responds -Hey, we police the people of London. We`re talking 8 million people here. That`s much easier than taking down one pedo guy. What do you expect of us?

-Do you know how hard it is to gather information on a person everybody knows? Do you know how hard it is to find those people? It`s impossible.

Photo Wikipedia

Is There Life In North Korea?

Teletubbies. Does that qualify as life?

Physically, yes, they breath the same air as us and seem to be very much like us, but are the images we get from North Korea life?

No, not as we know it.

A team of NASA scientist compared life in North Korea with life on Mars and concluded it`s better on Mars. -There is no Kim Jong-Dumb there to screw things up. That guy distorts livelihoods with his presence, says the NASA scientists.

-What we see in North Korea is forced life, not intelligent life. North Koreans are not allowed to think for themselves and make decisions on their own. They are slaves of the state or Kim-Robots. Very much like living in a pig farm.

Flag Wikimedia

A Peak Look Into The Pope Deliberations

06.00 am.
Party hard. -We try to appeal to younger voters so why not open the doors and show what we really are about, says Cardinal Johnson.

-Vatican City is in Rome. It`s like having a party town within Las Vegas. It`s crazy!

-When in Rome, we say Only in Rome.

Photo The Next Web

When He Could Keep It Secret For 50 Years, Who Is His F@#k Buddies?

Circle of lies. Who ignored 214 rapes from 1955 to 2009? Names, please.

Could it be someone in power, like the BBC, the police, judges or even higher up or is it Ms Smith down the road who works as a librarian? Go figure.

Photo Gwydion M. Williams

Dennis Rodman Stands Up Against UN Sanctions "I Will Feed Kim"

Nuclear Duke. -Kim is my friend and I will bring food to his table. Nobody else. I`m going to NKorea in August and I will bring pork chops, grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, onions... yeah! I look after my friends man.

The CIA is scratching their heads. "What the hell is going on here? When did this turn into a cooking show?"

Photo Steve Lipofsky

Justin Timberlake Is Glad His Parents Forced Him To Be A Child Actor

Here I am visiting my parents and helping out, says Justin. 
The truth about cats & dogs. -The family business wasn`t prospering. Timber rafting has gone downhill since the invention of the boat. When the truck came, it was only a matter of time.

-I know my grandparents worried when the plane came. Who could predict they would use it to drop bombs? Could have been timber. That`s all I`m saying.

-Society condem parents who force their kids into acting. For me it was the only way. Timber wasn`t delivering. It`s was that or what`s on tv. We knew of nothing else. It was more like "Ok, do that".

Photo NOAA

Romney Really Needs That Pope Gig

Where did all the people go? -I don`t dare to run. I`ve been so close so many times and never reached the top. I can`t take another hit to my ego. Not now. I don`t know if I`ll live long enough to recover, says Mitt.

-It`s a nice gig you know, rule the world. It`s the only way I can get back at Obama. If we meet he`d have to bow. And he know I will put my hand on his head and say "that`s my boy".

Photo Gage Skidmore

Migrant Musician Travel To SXSW In Hope Of A Career In Poverty

Poorstar. -I got the dream of living of my music when I was washing dishes. If I could change the plates for a stage and get the same crappy payment - why not.

-I packed my bag and went with my cousins who was traveling to K-Mart, Texas. So far, so good. I get the same treatment, I walk in the same clothes, but I`m living my dream. This is my poverty, not someone else's.

Photo ๑۩۞۩๑~OTH~๑۩۞۩๑

SXSW Turn Hitchcocks`s North By Northwest Into A Musical

Gone South. -We cut the story and focus on the music. We figured those who care about the plot have seen it before or can rent it. Honestly, who cares about storylines these days?

-If the video didn`t kill the radio star, then reality definitely killed everything else. We want people to care about the movie when we screen it. Thats why we have to cut away most off it. Different times, baby.

-You seriously don`t expect young people to watch the screen in a cinema? They pay as much attention to it as the teachers blackboard. To them the seat in just another chair where they do their thing.

-People growing up now have a hard time realising the box was once a great medium, the greatest of all, the king of the hill, right there in your living room. Now, it`s just there.

-Thats why we focus on the soundtrack. It`s how we get bums in seats; the sound is still kickin.

Photo Public domain

Women Think It`s Unfair They Only Get One Day

Penetration day. -We should have half, at least. Why should we settle for one and let the men walk away with the rest of the year? I look forward to the day our world pity celebrate men once a year, says area smarty.

Photo ideyuli

-It Was Worth The Bloodshed

Man tits. -Definitely, says military man. I dream about moments like this. It`s why I went into combat in the first place.

-Off course I would have skipped it if I could go straight to this, but thats not the way it works. Only big scale murderers are invited to these ceremonies.

-On a second thought, I would have ended up a killing machine anyway.

-Luckily I understood it`s all about having the right reasons before I went on my killing rampage. And be on the winning side, off course. If not... oh boy! I`m gonna to pay for that.

Photo hsld

Argentina Look Into Drone Bombing The Falklands

From the referendum election in Buenos Aries. "Everyone who hate the
Falklands raise their blue paper".
Hand of God. -We have to figure out a way to put the blame on someone else. A mad suicide bomber maybe. It will be hard to come up with something believable. We are the first people will look at, says Get Rid Off Falkland Island minister Sofia Bombzales.

-We could send out a terrorist, let him kill enough people and send in the army to rescue the few left. Then we have a trial and execute the terrorist - case solved.

-We could also fake a natural disaster. Create an earthquake with some underwater bombning. Thats probably the best solution. Wipe out those bastards, send in our rescue team despite the fact that we are not welcome. Save the day and get world sympathy - case closed.

-Afterwords everybody must agree the Falklands needs big mother Argentina to take care of it when the absent father went off to live in England.

Photo Anti gravedad

Falkland Islands Claim Ownership Of Argentina

The Falkland Islands
Tango for one. An aggressive letter was sent to the government in Buenos Aries commanding them to surrender to the superior power of Falkland. "We`ll invade your country and bomb it to peaces if you don`t".

"200 years of this shit is enough. We want to keep our emergency exit to Britain intact. If things f@#k up here, and they have, South America is the most f@#ked up continent in the world with without nuclear weapons. Thank God we don`t have it. Imagine nukes in the hands of our former dictators. Jesus Christ!"

Photo Wikipedia