Darth Vader Apologize For Not Causing More Pain

Darth Vader says in a statement sent to all corners of the Galaxy that he is truly sorry for not being more scary. -It was my intention that you would have to live with this, not speak up about it, clearly I've done a bad job.

Darth Vader has promised the Emperor that all accusers will be silenced by dawn and that he will not bring shame upon the Empire ever again.

-I've learned my lesson. I'm not a comedian. I'm an evil Sith Lord. It's my mission to destroy the Rebel Alliance. However, to reach my goal I might have to re-evaluate my strategy.


Photo mendemonda

Stormtrooper Comes Forward: Darth Vader Groped Me

-It happened during inspection before we attacked the Rebel Force. It was a surprise attack and the groping really surprised me. I wasn't prepared for it and I didn't know how to handle it. So I just stood there and took it, says the Stormtrooper.

-It's the most humiliating experience in my life as a stormtrooper. I'd much rather die on the battlefield than have Darth Vaders rub my balls. It was just weird.

-After the incident he'd invited me to his lair and he'll come out of the shower all nude and ask me to sing a song while he pied in the fish tank. The guy is nuts.

-It was when I realised that coming forward won't change anything that I decided to do it. I'll die anyway. So what the heck. Lets do it.


Photo Webster 2703

Darth Vader Accused Of Sexual Assault

Slave conditions on the Death Star turn out to be even worse than expected. According to several anonymous victims, Darth Vader abuse his power to sleep with the crew. -You don't really have a choice. His willpower is too strong, claims one victim who insist on staying anonymous.

-I really fear the consequences if Darth finds out. You know, he's got a temper. It's a general understanding within the Evil Empire that there's no point taking these accusations to court. It's considered rather bad taste and there's a guaranteed 0% survival rate among accusers.


Photo Jordy

Santa Drops The Sleigh, Blames Warmer Climate

These pictures where taken on the North Pole last summer where Santa trains on tackling global warming. -It's tempting to use drones, but it would scare the kids. Their too noisy, says Santa Claus.

-So its still better that he sneaks into their house at night while their asleep like a burglar. Without me!, says Rudolph. -I stood guard outside the houses. Do you know how many times I had to calm neighbours down? He'll be a disaster alone.

-At least the technology is there, says Santa. -When they find a way to make drones silent... That's it. I'm not leaving the North Pole again. I'm done with manual labour.


Photo U.S. Air Force photo/1st Lt. John Ross

Minus 840 Diplomats Want To Serve At The U.S. Embassy In Jerusalem

It's a profession with well adjusted people, generally very few suicidals, so it will be the first robot embassy in History. Everything will be handled online with Snapchat, Messenger, FaceTime, Facebook, Google, Twitter and Instagram from a bunker in Texas, like a drone operation.

The building itself will be shipped from Studio City in Burbank, Hollywood. Its cheaper to re-use one of the fake movie set buildings since nobody will be behind the fasade. It also brings the cost way down in terms of not having to think about security.

The new Embassy will open as soon as Amazon is done shooting the second season of Jack Ryan.

Photo Rodolfo Quevenco

Russia Stuck With 60 Million Doping Doses Outside PyeongChang

Head of the Russian chemist factory in Siberia, More Doping Russia, that made the doping, fear they will never get paid for the work. -We spent 12 years developing the new super doping and work out the logistics to smugle it into South Korea.

Kremlin on the other hand deny all knowledge of the company. Head of More Doping Russia, who  has to fire 6 thousand employees, asks rhetorically "Why would we suddenly build a chemical factory in Siberia, when we where producing toothpaste outside Moscow?"

Photo violetta

14 Women Who Came Forward With Sexual Harassment In China Died

China News Agency confirm the tragic death of 14 female Communist Party members who passed away in simultaneous car crashes: It's a tragic day for our nation, but in times like this, it's also important to remember that it's just a coincident. Shit happens...

The men who where accused of sexual misconduct remain nameless, according to China News Agency they prioritise to keep their lips sealed to honour the victims family, their children, since they never get to prove their innocence.

Now, more deaths, another 600 women died from eating poisonous food at shopping markets all over China, reports China News Agency...

Photo Jim Gordon

Mugabe Remember The Good Times

-It's all in the head.

The 92 year old tyrann reflect on his 37 years as leader of Zimbabwe in his pre written autography I Was The Best Leader The World Has Ever Seen And Ever Will.

The book, which has already been in bookstores for a few years, is now on mandatory sale. Meaning, every citizen of Zimbabwe has a choice between buying the book and prison.

The sales price has been tripled in the event and all the money will go to a weekend trip to London for Mugabe and his people, meaning his crew, not the people.

-We should be able to spend it all in a weekend. If we don't, we have promised to place the rest in his young wife/sexdoll's offshore account for later use, says the publisher Regime Books.

Photo Vanguard

Mugabe Steps Down After Consulting With Aliens

The much hated tyrann of Zimbabwe finally came to his senses after 37 years of madness. - After speaking to the green little men who visited from outer space, I now realise that it wasn't my people who f#*& up, it was me, says Mugabe.

-However, since they knew, I blame my people for not making this clear to me. I don't understand why they didn't. Did they think this was some kind of game?

-So whatever misery this has brought upon my people, I don't blame me. They brought this on themselves. How could I have done anything when I didn't know?

-Not only do they not tell me when I can do something about it, for some reason unknown to man, they decide to tell me when it's too late. Just another evidence of how dumb my people are.

Photo file photo

Trump Behind Al Franken Accusations

The dirty old bastard tries desperately to destroy potential enemies for the upcoming election. It's the only way he can win. If the democrats come up with anything better than Hillary, he's doomed and he knows it.

The Russians denies all ties to the matter. "He actually did this on his own, we are proud of him, he's learning".

Images by Sarah Wasko

Al Franken Takes A Jesus

Al Franken is wrongfully accused of sexual assault by his boss, the headliner, during a USO tour entertaining the troops. Al Franken was brought in to assist the headliner and improve the quality of the show after a series of, allegedly, poor performances by the headliner.

This change did not go well down with the shows star, the MC, the Master of the Ceremony aka the headliner. She refused to cooperate with the army on this one and alienated Al Franken the whole tour. As the boss in the relationship, she could.

The headliner never spoke or integrated with him offstage for the entire 19 show tour, making it difficult for her assistant, Al Franken, to do both his job, improve the show and sexually harass her. It is uncommon for men to sexually harass their boss and it's also virtually impossible, unless the boss wants it. A decade later, she does.

Chances are, that a few innocent men will go down in #MeToo. Men that behave well, but become  victim of the vanity of powerful women. The accuser in this case is not someone who didn't have a voice. She had the voice and she had the power to silence him and as a result the show suffered.

There's too many small lies in this accusation for it to be believable. And the so called "photo evidence" who show Al Franken smiling to the camera while pretending to grope the headliner sleeping in full army combat uniform, is not groping, it's smiling to the camera while pretending to grope the headliner sleeping in full army combat uniform.

You would think that the army combat uniform who protect her body from enemy fire also could protect her from groping. Well, it does. It's not possible to grope through a bullet proof west. It's a bullet proof west! It stops bullets!

Al Franken, with his long tenure at SNL was used to making fun of big egos and difficult people, so we at the WMA headquarters, meaning the bedroom of the writer, are not shocked that he ends the tour by mocking the headliner who's acted like a total bitch the whole time.

So why Al Franken? Why now? Lets not forget he is in the running to be the Democrats candidate in the next Presidential election. This is a person Trump really fears. So much that he jumps on the tweet wagon. Trump needs Al out of the way to have a shot at re-election.

Trumps tactic is to accuse others of what he does himself. Would it be such a long shot to accuse him of having a hand in this?

Photo Stephen Maturen

Mugabe Decides To Stay On The Planet A Bit Longer

-This is worse than the return of the dead. We where so close to get rid of him, why why?! ask locals.

Photo zbc

High Security Prison Prevented Post Apocalyptic Nightmare

-If he got his way, it would be no tomorrow, but we stopped him and thousands like him. Without us there would hardly be life on earth at all, says Prison Employee John Locker.

-All for a lousy 15 dollars an hour. I should have opened the gate a long time ago. That's why I voted for Trump. Revenge is mine. Bring it on!


Photo Public Domain

Charles Manson Leaves The Planet

What appears to be a very good day for earth can backfire as this evil creature start his journey into space. Astrologists predict he will try to escape hell by hiding his soul in a dark hole. 

-We hope hell finds him before he find a hole to hide in. It's virtually impossible to find such a dark soul in a dark hole, says Future Time & Spaceman Gorgo. 

-We suspect this is where dark matter come from. Evil people who escaped hell. The first dark hole ever discovered was created by Adolf Hitler.

Photo PIRO4D

#HeToo Illuminati Forced To Star In Bad Movie

-Their still on contract, we thought of doing Prison Break again, but we landed on a twist remake of The League of Extraordinary Unpleasent Men. We cast them in roles who match their real life character and put them in scenes that showcase the behaviour their accused off, says Hollywood producer.

-We'll distribute the movie globally. For some of the actors, the characters they play is no different than what they portrayed before. And even though we deliberately make this film as bad as possible, as far as Hollywood go, the audience won't see the difference...

Photo Maryland GovPics

Thor Ragnarok Looks Like He Is Going On An LSD Trip

The latest Thor movie  really stands out from all the other Marvel superhero movies. -Thor has evolved as a person and is fed up with violence. He has surrendered himself to peace and love. He's a hippie, says head of development at Marvel Studios.

-The superhero characters where not developing. They have done the same for decades. Centuries! We can't expect to keep the audience if we throw them the same shit every time. Thats why I thought, lets do some acid this time. See what happens...

-It's as much an experiment for me as the audience. I have no idea how this turns out. I haven't seen the film yet. I just arranged "prescription drugs" to the cast and crew: Lets see what they do with the Ragnarok script now? He he.

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Trump Employee Support the President: Now He Works For Me

-Every time I saw him in the lobby it was always "Good Day Mr Trump", now, when I see him on tv it's "SHUT UP, PIG!!!", I can go on and on... I've developed quite a vocabulary to express my feeling about Mr Trump since he became President. It helped med tremendously to learn English, says Entrhykuht from Asabastan.

-Now I can tell people to F*@& off, that their full of shit, that their all liars and that it's never my fault, its always somebody else's fault. What a great country. If I behaved like that at home where I come home I would get in serious trouble.

-Every foreigner will know what I'm talking about. It's hard to curse in another language. When I get angry I can't think straight and I mix up the words. So often I return to my mother tongue to curse, but now, with this idiot in charge, I've become better at cursing in English than my mother tongue!

Photo Quinn Kampschroer

The Oscars To Evaluate Actresses Performances

The Academy of Motion Picture and Sexual Harassment announce it will evaluate it's nominees based on skills only. -Looks no longer count. Faced with prison we don't give a damn about ratings or our own personal preferences, says the Academy.

-Last time it was the blacks. Now it's the women. What's next? asks sexual harasser Jason Ugly.
Probably someone with a smartphone.

Rumours have circulated that members of the Academy has joined white police officers on shooting raids to get their revenge after the black life matter protests.

Producer Harvey Darvey, who just lost his job and where told to leave town and never come back, not even in a bodybag, don't see that happening this time, but points out:

-If everything matter, nothing matter. If we're all equal, who will bother to see a movie if it's no better than what you see in the mirror at home? We need to push the audience down to create an urge to see them and we will find a way.

In his defence, he has no defence.


Photo The Oscars

The Weinstein Company Is Looking For A New Pig

The board of directors is looking for Harvey's replacement and issued the following statement: -All men are pigs, so this time we decided to go with the real deal. If he behaves like one, we'll eat him.

We can't do that with Harvey...

Photo Free-Photos

Madsen Really Destroyed Submarine-Dating

-It's a sad case for all eccentric maniacs, says Steve Slick, the founder of Adventure Daddy who just bought 6 submarines. How on earth can make money now? It's the worst investment in the history of sugar dadding.

Photo Expressen TV

"The Mongo President" Resonate With People

-Makes sense. It sums up all his ideas in one word. Amazing. Yeah, thats a good nickname, says Average Joe. -Finally a good nickname on Trump. Why hasn't anyone come up with that before. It's so obvious. He is Mongo from Blazing Saddles. 

Photo Blazing Saddles

Mongo Trump Address The United Nations Very Mongo

As expected, the speech was extremely mongo. The similarities between the Mongo President and Mongo are astonishing. Both in thinking and appearance. The speech could just as much been delivered by Mongo. Word for word. Mongo could also read, to some extend...

Mongo & Rocketman In Epic Rap Battle

Death Records release the ultimate verbal showdown on vinyl. The two powerful men go mouth to mouth in a public dispute over who's the boss. The music is created from news bites and sound mixed by DJ Nasty. 15% of the revenue will go to a foundation set up to blow up North Korea.

Illustration Trofire

The Allies OK With North Korea Bombing America

-We don't mind if North Korea and America disappear from the face of earth, not under the current leaderships, says Nato. In fact, we encourage it. Right now the best way to get rid of both is a nuclear inferno.

Photo HypnoArt

ADOLF HITLER DEPORTS 900.000 AMERICANS!!!

"You better not be Jews", yells Trump triumphant before kicking his desk. "Oh, that hurt, somebody get me a nurse!.. and throw that desk away". "But sir,..." "I don't care if its the Presidential desk, GET ME ANOTHER ONE!!!". 

What Is The Shithead Up To Now?

The cookie monster from North Korea sends another message to the world. A hydrogen bomb?! Really, hydrogen... whats next, a sweet bomb? a bad breath bomb? a nuclear fast-food bomb?

What about a retarded promotional bomb or an irreversible self-anniation bomb? Or what about a Kim Jong Dumb bomb?

Or a big black Zebra and world domination.

You know what, he's on to something.

That will not work.

Very soon.

North Korean Tribute Band Mysteriously Disappeared in Bangkok

-Kim Jong-un & the Pussycats where last seen leaving the hotel before the concert. They went in the band buss and since then nobody has either seen or heard of them, says the bands manager Kim Yi.

-It's very North Korean to disappear in North Korea, but not on an international promo tour like this. If there's anyone we would expect missing it would be the audience. It's a hard sell, but the band?!

A story circulating in high society claim that the band was taken hostage by a rich Chinese art collector and that he will showcase the band in a large scale private art exhibition for selected people in his dungeon. Kim Jong-un & the Pussycats is announced to be one of the living items for sale and they will be sold to the lowest bidder in a reverse auction.

-The phrase state of art has different connotations in North Korean and elsewhere. For us it mean it's the best we can do in a given field and I know you guys on the outside laugh at us, but Kim Jong-un & the Pussycats is really state of art music for us. Have you got any idea how insulting it is that some rich art eccentric takes that literary and buys it, like it's a $%&# art installation!

Photo TheDigitalWay

ISIS Claim Parking Violation

Wrongly parked car cause traffic jam in New York for at least 14 minutes. 2 people lost their job and 30 people came too late for an appointment according to the New York Police. -It's too early to say if all the people who lost their appointments will keep their jobs.

-We are currently in pursuit of the driver. His garage is turned up side down as we speak and members of his family and co-workers have been arrested. So far this operation has resulted in zero more worth knowing. The driver is an asshole, we already knew that, says the New York Police.

Photo Ryan McGuire

This Is What Awaits the London Terrorists: a Hole in the Ground

-There's no room for virgins, certainly not 72 of them, says gravedigger Albert Ground who prefer not to know the names of the assholes he will bury.

-We basically chuck whats left of them in a paper bag, in no logic order and throw them in. I won't name names, but there are terrorist who are buried in pig shit and vomit, cow piss and you name it...

Albert believe terrorists would think twice about what they are about to do if they knew what really waiting for them.

-There's no kingdom come here. Look at this place, it's not a strip club full of virgins. It's dirt. They check out 50 years too early to experience this...?! 

-I would not sacrifice anything for this. We all have our time, until then, I say lets enjoy it.

Photo Eli Duke

Best Fucking Cops in the World

The London Police Service killed the terrorist who attacked the city in 8 minutes, bitch!

Photo of the year Dan Kitwood

Beer Maks It Easier to Swallow Trump, AA Fear an Epidemic of Drunks

-It's worrisome, people are afraid of what he'll do if he looses control, what they forget is that half the country has already lost control. What happens if the other half looses it too? says AA meeting officer, Abraham Cole, who breaks his anonymity to warn the public.

-We can't expect citizens to keep on watching the news sober. At some point soon, they will take to drugs to handle it. Just like the soldiers in Nam. There's no choice.

-You have to understand the basic principle of alcoholism, when reality is to hard to deal with, you drink to escape it. It's about to happen on a national scale. 325 million people are driven into drugs. Their going to take whatever they can get their hand on to escape Trump.

-You know Trumps brother died of alcoholism and he sworn to never have a drink in his life. But by not taking a single drink he also drives the whole world around him mad. There's a balance. Checks and balance. God damn it, as a businessman he should know the difference. You can't do one without the other!

Photo 4924546

Ivanka Trump Give Hope to Billionaire Daughters

Ivanka Trumps book inspire rich young women to speak up. -Ivanka is a role model for me, she is so right, why shouldn't I open my mouth and say "Daddy, give some cash or I'll write a book". Why shouldn't I? Because I'm spoiled? says the daughter of Russian Oligark Vladimir Ivano.

Women who work is the fastest written book in the history of the White House. -We had to get it out there while Trump is the President, if he, I mean... you know, when... it will be devastating for sales. It would be the equivalent of Pablo Escobar's son writing on how to build a business, says Stephen Bannon.

-Wait a minute, Pablo Escobars son did write a book... Oh my God. But, on the other hand  think it was a wise choice. We understood the first day in office that the inevitable biography on Donald's Presidency will be a problem. Nobody is willing to lie that much. Not even a Ghostwriter.

-So, we thought, let's focus on his daughter instead. As a softener before the real shit comes. It's a motherload. This decoy puts us off for at least a year. Maybe we'll try one of his sons next year. Had they only been more fuckable.

Cover bookstore

How to Approach President Trump

Congressmen, Senators and White House staff are are lectured by CIA on how to approach Trump to avoid unnecessary cause of action.

-We don't want a situation where things escalates because the coffee was too hot. We can't afford going to war because some smuck gave him the finger, says CIA anti terrorist expert John McPeace.

-Right now the biggest treat to America is the clown in the White House and we want to make him happy and make sure he stays happy.

Photo Alexandr Ivanov

Lego Man: Only Plastic Can Save The Oceans

Lego Man believe that plastic saves the oceans from being polluted by humans. -It's too many humans on this planet.

And they don't get it, they think plastic is the problem, it's them!

Lego Man tells us that humans exude nuclear moist. A dangerous gas that kills the motox layer. -Human technology hasn't evolved far enough to understand whats really happening, but to sum up whats ahead of us:

-The planet will snap when the human population reach 10 billion people. Therefor, the only thing that can stop it is... plastic.

Plastic is a gently way to erase humanity from earth without doing to much harm to the planet. It will decay, but not untill humans are long gone. Thats the special quality. It's dangerous only for a while.

Photo Markéta Machóva

North Koran Book of Negotiations Biggest Bestseller In History

It's selling more than every bestseller worldwide combined.

It had 3 billion pre-orders on North Korean Amazon alone. It got bigger than the Koran and the Bible after only one hour in sale, according to the North Korean News Agency Kim's World.

-We ran out of tree's to print the book 5 days in. There isn't a single forrest left in the country, says the publisher Kimsan Kim.

-We have to cut down every tree in the world to meet the global demand, but even that isn't enough. From tomorrow the greatest book of all time is available for download. We expect the sales to skyrocket again, like our missile program. Up, up, up...

Kim Jong-un ordered an interview on North Korean TV to promote the book. Apparently he wasn't happy with the way he came across, so he assassinated the whole tv-crew and did another interview. This time with a gunman present.

It took 5 interviewers before Kim jong-un was happy. The rest of the new tv-crew was wearing diapers to hide their nervousness. It turned out the problem was his hairdo.

-I read the art of the deal by the new smuck in the White House and thought to myself, this is garbage, I can do better than this, so I sat down and wrote the North Korean book of Negotiations in like 15 minutes, from the top of my head, says Kim jong-un to Kim TV.

-Then I handed my notes to my secretary and celebrated with a missile.

Photo Unknown
3D graphics 3dman_eu
Added text & drawing TomDehli

White Life Matter More

-Yeah, I know... black life matter, but white life matter more and my life matter the most. Get used to it. I'm the President, bitch! says President Trump at his tour around the world.

-It's all about me. You are all my slaves. But relax... I will give you a great life because I am the greatest leader of all time. I just got another award in the Middle East.

-You are so lucky. If Hillary had won, which she didn't, cause she's a looser, it's a fact, she's a looser, she lost... actually she never had a chance. Where was I? Lucky.. yes, you are so lucky to be born when I'm running the show.

-Most people don't, cause their already dead. Billions of people never get to experience me because they where either born to early or too late. You have no idea how lucky you are. My children...

-Enjoy this special time in human history. I am the greatest leader god ever put on this earth. Sooooo much better than Obama. SO MUCH BETTER THAN OBAMA, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE! I tell you.

Photo Gage Skidmore

The Worlds First Karaoke Suicide Bar for Terrorists Opens In France

-It's a great concept, potential terrorists can come and blow themselves up in safe party bunker provided by the French Army, says owner Gene Badham about his new club The Big Bang.

-They don't have to worry about accidentally killing friends or family. They will only kill friends and family. They don't need to worry about getting a taxi home. Their not going home. It's a no exit club. They never leave. If they chicken out, we blow them up. Simple as that.

-Every entrance in guaranteed their 0.00015 seconds of explosive media fame. If you have weird thought about your importance in the world and think you can change it by becoming a real life death star.  This is the place.

-It's a win situation. It's even better than a win/win situation. It's win, then nothing, not even win, it's just win.

Photo Pexels

Moses Eyeballed Trump in The Vatican

The horns seemed a bit larger than usual when Trump visited the Pope recently. As if he was saying "Don't you even think about it".

-It's true, we had issues with some of the statues from the moment it was clear Trump was coming. At first people thought it was a light earthquake, but I know better, says Pope Francis, it's the orange devil.

Photo LoggaWiggler

NATO Soldiers Will Show Up Unannounced at Concerts in the Islamic State

NATO announce today that their soldiers will attend concerts inside the Islamic State and kill everyone.

Trucks will also be hijacked and filled with explosives before driven into densely populated areas in addition to the superior Allied Army force who will perform heavy random bombing on a scale the world has never seen before.

Army experts say the explosions can be seen from Jupiter and reassures that the heavy bombing will not affect earth's orbit around the sun, but it will not be possible to escape the sound from the massive blasts anywhere. NATO urge every citizen on earth to use ear plugs between 12.00-14.00, 0 standard time zone (UTC), to avoid hearing loss.

-We call this operation random hell and we will continue until they surrender. Which include the use of nuclear bombs if necessary. 15 years of friendly fire has got us nowhere, from here on its all in, says Nato General John Fire.

This is the last chapter of the war on terror, it ends either when they understand the only outcome is total death and surrender or just total death.

Photo skeeze

Trumps Father Marries an Albatross

It will be his 40th wife, but he doesn't expect it to last more than a few weeks. -We're both animals.

Even though Trump senior rule over a large peace of the jungle he has to travel abroad to find a spouse. -It's a shame, I got all the bananas in the jungle and no one wants me. So I go to places where females are so desperate for survival that they will put up with anything.

-It's the art of the deal. It's all about the negotiation... You got to find the right partner!

Photo cocoparisienne

Dumb Animal Probably Behind Terrorist Attack

-It takes a dumb mammal to do such thing. We are all dumb, therefor, logistically speaking, chances are it's one of us, says ape guru Dalai Mama from the Kardashian ape tribe Donaldo in Botswana.

-Off course, stupidity exists among bats, whales, cats and humans, but not in such large scale as Chinese Dust Monkeys.

-Only a handful of humans escape their country to go to these jihad training camps whereas we dust monkeys send all our own to these training camps.

-For us is essential that we learn to jump, duck and fall. It's what we do, but when I see a human here I go "We got ourself a nutcase here. Someone who thinks he can make a difference".

Photo Alexas_Fotos

Storage Cages for Kids Removed from Market

-It's a pity, it's the cheapest babysitter in town. Which mean I can drink even harder... says Toby, who makes it clear he likes his children , but not as much as the cage.

If I had to choose between my children and the cage, I'd choose the cage. I hope it comes back on sale and I wish they make it bigger so I can put in my wife there too.

-I know there is a lot of shaming going on. But what do people expect? I was drunk when I meet their mother, I was drunk when they where born and I'm drunk now. I'm steady as a rock.

Foto Morten Liebach

Environmentalist Worry More About Her Fartprint

-

-Cows and sheep both fart and burp toxic fumes into the atmosphere. What if I do the same? We just don't know it yet? says Isabelle, who is deeply concerned about the wellbeing of our planet. So much she's using a buttplug - just in case.

-Better safe than sorry. I got a big butt...

-Think of all the women who flock to the fitness centres to get bigger butts. They might damage the eco system. This could be the end. We need to implement climate quotas.

-We have to think about how much a person can fart and if they should be able to trade H2S quotas with other people?

-This could be a welcome extra income to smalltime farters and it gives an opportunity for people who fart too much to stay instead of getting thrown out of the country.

Photo Pexels

Trump Took Action To Silence Russian "Lady Friend"

-I Will Take Care of Trump

-I know how to handle this guy. I grew up with a dictator. I recognise his tricks, says Kim Jong-un.

-The world can't have a two unpredictable leaders. Thats my spot, he's stealing my act,... I mean, my fathers act. For that I will put him down.

-There's no need for a coalition lead by North Korea, there's not even a need for North Korea. I will do this on my own. I studied Kung Fu in 3rd grade and got a 7rd degree black belt in 1 hour. I'm leaving Pyongyang for Washington tomorrow morning in my underpants.

Photo driver Photographer

USA Sells Out

-Yes, we are acctually putting the whole country on sale. Highest bidder gets it. It includes a mortgage in China, but other than that it comes with plenty off cool stuff. Nukes, people of all kind, shape and sizes, awesome cities and plenty of land. It's a bargain, says country estate dealer Johnny Badstone.

-The adds will run in USA Today from Friday. Cash only. No credit cards. Place you bids ladies and dictators!

Photo Unsplash

-I Could Do This Kinda Maintenance In Cleveland

-Sometimes it hits me really hard that what I do is basically the same my dad did at the local auto repair shop, says astronaut Johnson.

-It's just that where my dad walked to work, I spend 30 years just getting there. Which means I only get to go to work once.

-I wont live long enough to commute. Christ, I have to focus on getting home before I run out of oxygen!

Photo skeeze

Erdogan First Politician Turned Rapper

Erdogan went onstage in his first concert since going hip pop on the world and put down a badass gangsta rhyme.

-He was free flowing, man. He is bad. He was rapping about how big his dick is, that he got an army, don't fuck with me or I'll kick your ass. It was the shit, says hip hopper DJ B.

-Then he went on about all his bitches. It was sick. Look out Drake, there's a new game in town. A motherfucker with a nuclear bomb.

Photo  Dosyanın açıklaması