The sunlight will be blocked until we accept the star map to enlightenment and aliens will invade if we don’t change the course of our planet.
Bugger...
Photo Wikipedia
Aliens Threatens To Sanction Earth If We Don’t Reduce CO2 Emissions
The sunlight will be blocked until we accept the star map to enlightenment and aliens will invade if we don’t change the course of our planet.
Bugger...
Photo Wikipedia
Santa -I Haven’t Seen So Many Jewish Kids Cry Since Holocaust
-Santa is for kids with white upbringing. If we get slippery on this I have to give presents to the muslims too. Have you got any idea many they are? I have 24 hours to get the job done. I got to draw the line somewhere. Lance Armstrong is helping me with France this year. He’s proven himself before so I know he’s up for it.
-I can’t have people who follow the rules. I need someone who can get the job done. No questions asked. Do I care if he use drugs? No. Do I care if he finish one time? Yes.
Photo Wall Papers Craft
Taiwan Capitalize On The Hobbit With Unauthorized Sequel
-There's a lot of retarded people out there who'll fall for it. Same with partially sighted guys who wont admit their nearly blind. That's out target audience. Stupid people between 13-35.
Photo Alyssa L. Miller
Ron Burgundy Stirred Up Quite a Mess At News Actors Guilt Of America
The Madness Continues. By many vote the best worst speech ever, Ron Burgundy certainly delivered the goods at the annual NAGA. Here it is, word by word. Take it away Ron:
-We all had that moment when a fan stop you on the sidewalk or a fancy restaurant and says "Hey, I’ve seen you". Yeah, I’m a news anchor.
-"Your that donkey guy". -No I think you mistake me for someone else. "No, your the Donkey guy, oh my god, you f#@* a donkey!". No I didn’t, you’re defenitly mistaking me for someone else. I’m not an animal porn actor.
-"Yes you are, you’re that guy who sneaks up on the donkey and says: Your’re my donkey now, donkey! Then you f#@* the shit out of it. Oh my God".
-Oh, you mean Dolly. I misunderstood. I call her Dolly. I’m a donkey activist. I support their right to free squeeling. I’m the spokesperson of Donkeys of America, but nobody is interested in hearing about it so to raise awereness I did a donkey porno to raise money to liberate donkeys, except the one in the movie. She didn’t want to do it, so we had to put her down. Otherwise this would get weird.
-People think their just donkeys, but they’re not, their donkeys.
Photo Devian Art
Robben Island's Teddy Bear Name Not Cool Among Ex-Prisoners
-They needed to water it out. They chose the ocean since it would take all the fresh water in South Africa to hold the lie floating.
-Thanks to Mandela I still spend time here cause it's the only job I can get!
Photo timparkinson
USA Film Rating Merger With The Chinese
-We feel like fighting violence in films with violence makes filmmakers think twice about what they put out there. Obviously there will be more porn, says an old dog at the board.
-We have a whole new group of young people working here now. Their testing the waters of power you know, getting to know their limits. They also have to figure out where to draw the line.
-By that I mean we outsourced to China years ago and got away with it. Hollywood has put up with all this shit not knowing their actually dealing with Chinese authorities.
-It’s the lacking learning curve who made them introduce the death rating system. It’s time to call the bluff, but the money is too good. All we concentrate on is keeping the system, as long as possible.
Image MPAA / The Film Rating
Morgan Freeman Will Miss Being Mistaken For Nelson Mandela
-It held me back professionally. For 27 years I didn't get roles cause I looked too much like the ANC leader Ronald Reagan put on the terrorist list. I finally broke loose from the spell when the idea of a black God hit Hollywood and I've never looked back since. So yes indeed, I take the credit for the Nobel Peace Price. I deserved it.
Photo Alan Light
Debtor Changes Collection Agency
-If I pay 3 times as much as I need for a product, I want customer service.
Photo jsmjr
Ukrainians Fight For Their Right To Be Unemployed In Europe
-In Europe I'm cheap exotic labour, here I'm only unemployed. I bet I can pick up girls with my cv in the West. My cv is spectacular. Just don't check it.
Photo mac_ivan
Thomas Jefferson Payed $200 To Get His Face On Mount Rushmore
-He payed $200 to a hooker in Kansas and made her pass on to her hooker children that whoever runs the whorehouse when building begin gives the sculptor special treatment.
-Washington knew he would be selected so he didn't care, but he put down $10 for the corner and a few facial adjustment.
-Lincoln had other plans for the future. Serving during the civil war, he noticed people honoured dead soldiers more than returning ones. Having won the second term and lived to be 54, which was a good age in those days, he decided to go with a bang and arranged an assignation of himself. Ironically that gave him the spot.
-Theodore Roosevelt didn't like the idea of sharing space with 3 other presidents like they where equals, so he suggested he should get the whole mountain himself or sit on the other 3 and wipe his ass with Lincoln beard. True story. Acid anyone?
Photo Wikimedia Commons
Bashar al-Assad Buys Playstation 4: -I Want To Play Donkey Kong
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| -I like the Donkey. |
-Gaming gives me the opportunity to show what a ruthless dictator I am. I always kill unnecessary amounts of innocent people to demonstrate my strength and power.
-Sometimes my servants walk into my office at 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm still killing. It makes them numb. I like that.
Photo The Cutting Edge News
Mao Had Serious Hair Issues
-It was the same problem with Hitler and Stalin. They came to power with the best of intentions and then they began to lose their hair. Hitler compensated with a moustache, but Mao couldn't do that cause he didn't have facial hair, he only had a mole.
-The moustache kept Hitler peaceful for a while, but then he lost it. If you try to hard you loose the mind.
-With Stalin the problem was different. He had so much hair people around him was glad he got ride of some. Everywhere he went there was hair laying around after him. People allergic to cats couldn't go near him. He just didn't see it like that.
Photo Wikimedia Commons
Supreme Leader Not Awesome Enough Tittle For China's Top Dog
-No offence, but I don't like to compare myself with ruthless turkeys, chickens or chicken wings. I'm the mountain who look after the world. I'm the one who protects the world against alien innovations.
-We have no serious enemies on earth so I have to look further. I need one to keep this house of cards together.
Photo Wikipedia
Chinese Officials Impressed By The Corruption In The West
-Some of us even welcome democracy, they get more...
Photo Asia And China Resources
Kim Jong-un Launch Jongtube In North Korea
Every citizen in North Korea, dead or alive, automatically became a subscriber to Kim's channel and they have to watch. -Yes, we monitor it and if they don't they die. Every video comes with a questionnaire at the end where they have to get 100 out of 100 points.
-It's an easy way to find out who to keep and who to eliminate. Sooner or later we have to have "elections" here too so why loose when we can pre-win.
Photo Manhattan Digest
Gangnam Style Smash Hit In North Korea
-We couldn’t stop it. We tried, but after slaughtering down thousands of people without any impact we came to the conclusion invading our own country is a bad idea. I wish we thought of that before we used the air force. Now we have to rebuild huge parts of the country. Not that anyone could tell.
-Kim Jong-un has declared the incident a military exercise. He also claims ownership of the song and calls it a present to the people from the royal highness himself.
-He’s gives an in-depth interview to his own newspaper New Kim Times about how the song came about, how popular it has been abroad and how lucky the North Korean people is who get to hear his music. He also dedicates the song to the victims of the military exercise.
Photo Dallas Observer Blogs
Bedwetter Saved By Typhoon
-Thank God the typhoon came and ruined the entire hotel. It saved me so much embarrassment, shame and I get the money now!
Photo EU Humanitarian Aid and Civil Protection
The Griswold Family Goes To Space
-Their using the original 1983 poster. It's perfect. We tried to make a space comedy, but technology wasn't there yet so we settled with a cross-country drive to Walley World theme park. Or at least that's what the script read, I never really watched it.
Photo Amazon
Santa Wish There Was More Jews
-I didn’t want to sell out to Coca-Cola, but how can I get the job done if I don’t? Do you think the kids pay for this shit? Somebody got to put up the money.
-Just the rocket fuel fucks up my budget and I got to ride stealth otherwise I’ll be shoot down.
-Next year I’ll use the postal office and they'll get the presents when they get them.
Photo elPadawan
South African Sadomasochists Misses Apartheid
-It gives me a little taste of what made this country so great, says Nelson.
Photo manuel | MC
-If Iran #@&% Us On This Deal They Are So Dead
-One joke...
-KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
says Israels Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
Photo Wikipedia
Toronto’s Mayor Offered Job In Mexico
Mayor League. -We need a guy who’s been around town. Too many politicians are too perfect these days. They live in the cloud. Ford has his feet firmly placed on the ground, we need that now. We don’t need another leader looking for a high in the shy. It always end in disaster, says Mexico Joé.Ford on the other hand has the following statement: -20 years ago I would have been the President of Colombia, that is unfortunately not possible any longer, but I'm a strong supporter of local dealerships.
Photo HiMY SYeD / photopia
Doctor Gets $2.7 Million For Recommending Horseshit
-My latest wife always ask me the same question. What are we going to do with all this money? And I tell her: more bathrooms. Why? Cause I’m full of shit.
-I marry cause I forget their names. It’s easier that they're all “wife”. It’s a role they step into and they all play really well to begin with.
-It’s the bathroom part they can’t handle. Why do you spend all your money on bathrooms? It’s the same whining every time. It’s so disappointing. I think I’ve found the right one and she turns out to be hollow.
Photo dno1967b
Medicine Manufacturer Pay Close Attention To Population Growth
-In fact, if they get their medicine from one of our competitors we prefer killing them... whatever it takes to beat the competition.
-But as for now we’re currently not allowed within the framework of our company. Which is why we into extend into law and weaponry.
Photo thedib
Typhoon Survivor Swear He Will Come Back As Mental Hitler Or Jesus
-I don’t understand why they resent the question. This is the perfect place to find out. Where else can I do role-play on a scale like this? Technically we can still blame the Typhoon should it go wrong.
Photo EU Humanitarian Aid and Civil Protection
Homeless Filipino Not Ashamed After The Typhoon
-I’m at a place in my life now where I can’t sink any lower, so a Typhoon isnt’s something I’m particularly afraid off. It usually means free food and loads of new friends. I shouldn’t be saying this, but my wish came through.
Foto akosihub
The Nazi’s Understood When It Was Time To Surrender, Al-Qaeda Doesn't
-He would never attack an enemy who has thousands of nuclear bombs without having one of his own, certainly not with a slingshot. Al-Qaeda never got that concept, says the History Professor At Virginia University.
Photo Adelaide Archivist
UN Wants 300 Years Of Stability In Germany Before Stopping Surveillance
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-Off course, as you say Merkel, friends don’t spy on each other, but you are not an ordinary friend, you are a friend with a history. We’re not letting you out on probation after killing millions just yet. Not in a million years.
Photo Wikipedia
Ghostwriter Looked Like He Had Seen A Ghost
-Everybody know ghostwriters are behind celebrity books. Their not known for writing. If they where: that's what they would be doing, but they don't, cause they suck at it.
-They're like the kid in school who's terrible at everything and suddenly hands in this master peace everybody know he copied from the web. That's what I do for a living. I should have used a ghostwriter.
Photo kusmierz
Smoking Doesn't Kill Enough Says Chinese Executioner
-If it was up to me the whole country would be on heroine.
Photo Wikipedia
NSA Has Had It: -You Deal With The Terrorists
Oy! -Next time a bomb goes off and believe me it will, go to Edward Snowden and Julian Assange for help cause we’re not doing shit, says NSA in a statement to the cry baby governments in Europe and the rest of the world. -Your on your own now, we’re shutting down.Photo Wikimedia Commons
2D Printers Was Good For When People Thought The World Was Flat
-I’m gonna make a fake passport, print out a hole stash of cash and leave it all.
Photo Creative Tools
Journalist Got Upset Stomach From Covering Horrible Trial
-I don't even know what happened day 2 so I made up something. I haven't received any complaints, probably cause nobody read more than the headline. I spent the rest of the week at the hotel room watching porn to get it off my mind.
Photo TheeErin
Who Killed Osama bin Laden More Secret Than Who Killed JFK
-And then there's Who Killed Roger Rabbit which I don't remember even though I saw the movie twice.
Photo Fibonacci Blue
X-Men Don’t Celebrate Xmas: Santa Is Not One Of Us
What does the Wolf say? -He’s like a repair man who gives away shit to make people like him. We save the freakin world yo! We don’t waste our time on toys. He’s a pussy, says Wolverine.
-We could really need his help, but he's always at his toy factory. Bla bla bla bla bla. When kids reach a certain age they understand Santa’s full of shit, but he never face it cause there's always new ones coming. If people could stop f@#king we could get an end to this!
Katy Perry Bitten By Tiger
-They are brutally aggressive and violent, says Zoo keeper Danger Stupid. They are the reason dinosaurs where extinct - they ate them, but thats kept secret from the public to avoid panic.
-Crocodiles only survived cause they could hide in the water. If tigers could swim they would eat whales. That's all tigers do, eat and rape other animals.
Photo Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer
Bob Dylan Blown Off Stage In The Philippines
Where is he? -That answer my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Photo Wikipedia
China Sends The First Human To Mars
Hu, who currently serve a lifetime sentence for stealing a fortune cookie back in 1918, says she looks forward to getting a window with a view.
CNSA use their unfinished landing technology to justifies their choice of personnel and adds a crash landing is still higher regarded than an unmanned probe. -We're launching thousands of these, one will make it.
Photo jadis1958
Swiss Space Program: -We're Sticking To Earth
-It's so much easier shooting up a cable and drag the vehicle afterwords. You got to understand, if Christopher Columbus had access to a big enough canon and enough rope he would have discovered the moon.
John Kerry Not Diagnosed With Horse Face Cause Nobody Dare To
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| -I never looked at it like that. I've always seen myself as the face of the Democratic Party. |
Facial. While kids across the Western world receive letters reading "you suffer from horse face", the Foreign Minister of USA, who looks like a stallion more than anyone, doesn't.
-I can't get myself to mail the letter, says the doctor who diagnosed him based on his many TV appearances. -It's so obvious, it's the only thing I can think of when I see him. There's that horse guy again.
-You might ask, what's the point of diagnosing their looks? To help. We can make them look like cows.
Bruce Willis On Getting The Call: We're Ready For You To Blow Up Earth
-I have to let go. Especially as an actor.
-I haven't experienced any of the stuff I portrait onscreen, I have no clue really how to deal with it, so it's important I snap out of it right away. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to fake it anymore.
Photo Hot Rod Homepage
India's Mars Mission: -It's A Mars Probe, Not An Anal Probe
-NASA can't claim Mars by burning rubber on it. Everybody know you take your dog.
-The world press has difficulty understanding why a country like India who can't feed it's poor spend money on low cost space technology?
-First of all it's a subject we take at a job seeking course. Everything is outsourced these days. We need to bring the business back to India. Now I can put Mars mission on my cv. It's not a big deal, for most people here it's like taking the computer driving licence. They don't even care.
Photo Eric Kilby
New Mayor Of New York: -What... Me? Ok, I'll Do It
-My first initiative is a frisk and search initiative for white collar crime only meaning, if your black and Wall Street dirty you can walk.
-I will keep you posted on my whereabouts through my secretary. Don't get too excited.
Photo Toronto Sun
Brazilian Tycoon On Going Bankrupt And Starting At McDonalds Again
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| -You don't get these at McDonalds. |
-Just enough to keep us off the ground until we land safely. I have fallen before and I can fall again. I have nothing to prove.
Photo 5x Favela, Agora Por Nós Mesmos
Morsi: -You Can't Handle The Change
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| John Kerry: -He sure can fart. |
-I don't want a lawyer. It's rigged. I want a cookie jar.
-I will sit in the courtroom and take the lid of the cookie jar and eat and fart like I'm watching tv.
-I can gas a room. I'll make the judge run out of there.
Photo United States Government Work
Burt Reynolds Found In Syria
-I was was lucky, it' a great gig. I get to put deliver long speeches everyday and nothing has to make sense. The audience here don't expect it. They expect me to abuse power.
-I've never had so much fun. I should have made more art films...
Photo Wikimedia commons
Public Transport Worker Enjoy Marathons
-First plant the idea of long distance transport in their head. Get them to buy a car and get used to it. Remove the vehicle, introduce the mass commuting trains and busses, let them have it for a while and then arrange a marathon.
-It's beautiful. And they have them all around the world like democracy came to the Middle East and worked. But the best part is, they have to pay for it and it costs more than a subway ticket!
Photo lepoSs
Halloween Survivor Talks About The Aftermath
-We fled to the Middle East next. There we're safe. It's one of the few places left where they have no tradition of Halloween other than every day is like Halloween.
-There's no school here so I play survivor with my sister every day. Sometimes our parents join us and takes us on trips to new exciting places. It's like Grand Theft Auto in 3D. It rocks!
Photo automationtx
Ted Wishes He Was An Actor In The 70s
-The director always tell me "try to imagine", "try to imagine"... it's a lot easier if a truck is following me!
Photo Bob Bekian
The Dalai Lama Supports Medical Marijuana: The Debate Is Over
-I want to get high. I so want to explore the outer mind, but I can't get there with milk. I need the right fuel. Did anybody question NASA for using rocket fuel when entering space?
Photo Kris Krug
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