Earth Looks Forward To Celebrate New Years Eve For The 4.5 Billionth Time

Time flies. -Another year in space well done, says Earth in a fantasy interview with NASA to cheer up their spirit.

-NASA is always bragging about how well "mother earth" is considering my age. I know it`s bad manners to ask a lady how old she is, but when you reach my age...  nobody cares except historians and its not like I`ll shatter their illusion if I told them.

-Age get irrelevant with time. Do I remember anything from my first 3 billions years? No. Does it matter? No. What matter to me is to feel the warm sun on my surface as I travel trough space. It`s dark and cold out there. And it`s going nowhere. You realize that - with time. Happy new year!

Photo NASA Goddard Photo and Video

Assassin Realize He Must Stop Wearing Sunglasses At Work

Wrongmandu. -I Keep killing the wrong people and the more I do it the harder it gets to take them off. I can`t face people as myself any longer. I need the cover. My eyes hurt, says Coldhearted Bastard.

-Before I could kill with a look. It was so much easier. Didn`t have to think about smuggling guns around the world, getting a silencer or cleaning up. There was nothing to clean up. No evidence to worry about other than me being next to all these people who die for no good reason.

-Surveillance cameras put an end to that lifestyle. Soon I was picked up by Interpool as highly suspicious and had to wear sunglasses to avoid the authorities. In my line of work, authorities is generally looked upon as a bad thing, unless they are the contractor, and they often are, through third person. So you never know with these people. I tend to lend my services to those who either have power, want power or is afraid of loosing power. Sooner or later there will be a fuck up.

Photo Ed Yourdo

Bai`s Dream, If He Ever Got Access To Clean Water, Is To Drink Sodapops All Day And Die Of Diabetes

Two Worlds One Dream. -The only reason water can live with itself is that it lacks consciousness to understand how unfairly it is distributed. Water is essential for all life, but not intelligent life. A smart person would not build weather to transport H2O evenly around the globe.

-First time I saw clean water was a revelation to me. Up until then l then I had been brainwashed to believe water was either brown or yellow.

-But did the knowledge of how fucked up my world really was make my life any better? Quite the contrary. If I could prefer I would like to go back to the illusion I lived in. Kinda like a lot of rich fucks want to go back to living in poverty cause it`s better for them...

 Photo Harald Groven

Rodriguez Was So Fed Up Being An Overpaid Mexican He Escaped USA To Be A Major Rockstar In Europe

Black memory. -I had to escape from my reality and do something fake. I could not continue being such a success. Everybody expected me to be a failure and here I was making more money than my home town. I had to get my fet on the ground. So I took to the stage.

-Here I don`t have to put on a show. I can just be great. I`m fed off underachieving. I don`t want to set the bar low to avoid my giant self anymore. I need to be me. The overblown selfish ashole of a niggerlover. I love niggers. I love chicken, presidents, negromusic and pie.

-How can I not? I stole their act. Everybody stole their act. Mozart was a negro, Einstein, Elvis, Mother Teresa... all black.

Photo The Eyes Of New York

Ben Always Make A Big Entrance When He`s Late For work

Spare me. -I want to make sure everybody remember me by name, gender and dick size. I have a huge cock and it needs an introduction at the workplace. A little salute to welcome the slong. I used to be the ringer at Tower Bell in London, says Ben.

-And I didn`t use the... you know what. 3 years ago Westminister went electric. Neighbours where complaining about my erectic sound. It was too loud. I was hitting it way hard. What could I do? I`m Big Ben.

-Now I work at... I can`t remember. Anyway, I work there and I try not to sound like the clock hits 12.00, but its hard. Especially with the size of my balls.

Photo Rock Cousteau

50 Shades Of Gravy Not As Big Of A Hit

Gravy leaking from the factory is not a turn on in reading
circles.

Shady literature. -People aren`t that interested in the juice extracted from meat during cooking. I think we overrated the popularity of spam juices. Just because the audience like juicy meat it doesn`t mean they like meat juices. We should have read the books before we tried to ripp them off. Then we would have understood she wasn`t referring to bad junkfood meat... In a way she was, but... not as in... you know, hamburger style. Who eats hamburger anymore? says Kingman, also known as Bernie by the Police.

Photo David Kitching

After Being Britains Leading Name In Health & Beauty For Over 160 Years, The Chain Store Discovered It Would Be Smart To Name It Something Else Than Boots

Drugs. -Boots was probably the healthiest thing you could buy 160 years ago, but times change. I certainly hope they updated their assortment since then. I get shoes in Somalia, says Ayan.

-I can get herpes too, but not like in England... It`s something else when I`m the perpetrator. So, I definitly hope they got more than boots at the chemist. I didn`t come the UK to live like home.

Photo bradleypjohnson

Time Square Introduce Commercial Time

Great timing.

Time Squeal. -In short it means spend money now! Everybody empty their pockets and cash out or... we would love to say or you die, but then we get into trouble cause New York is in America... in a way. I mean... sort of. If you ignore the right stuff, like ethics and shit, says Ted Clockberg.

-We already got summer time. Why shouldn`t we have shopping time? Turn the clock back so the shops can stay open longer. 24 hour shops can have 24+1 hour opening hours. Thats amazing.

-What the world need now is one more hour of shopping every day. Schools, churches, workplaces should all close during shop hour.

-Hey, if your waiting for surgery, go shopping! If your waiting on death roll, why not shop until you drop? If your already shopping... double shop!

Photo George Rex

Santa Crashed With A Boeing 747: 8 Reindeer Killed

A weak Michael Jackson moment.

Rudolph The Dead Reindeer. The North Pole Police Station reports Santa is good shape, but hospitalized until further notice. -He needs sleep, he hasn`t sleept or eaten since he took off X-Mas morning.

Santa notably admits he fell asleep behind the reindeer. -Usually Rudolph keeps me awake with his farts, but this year he hadn`t eaten any porridge. He`s gone bananas on this Atkins diet.

Photo Bart Fields

The Mayans Who Predicted Doomsday Also Smoked A Lot Of Dope

Lucky Street

Maybeans. -It comes with the territory, says drug expert, user and abuser Terry Almando. You reach a point where all goes black.

-You had enough and decide to end the world as you know it, but the end is the beginning of new. So calling it doomsday is dark.

-Maybe they Mayans calculated they would run out of drugs in 2012. Looking at the current fall of dope Lords in Colombia, they where spot on.

Photo RandyA38

The War On The War On Drugs Arms Up

-Our war is as unsuccessful as the one we`re fighting, but
thats not stopping us from playing more music.

Fightboy. -You got to fight for your right to fight, says Commander of Madness Joe Armsfeld at the Anti Everything Institution in Indianapolis, USA. -I hate Mexico, but that doesn`t mean I hate drugs. You can love drugs and still be a racist. This was a huge revelation for me.

-I don`t have to have a stake in whatever issue I´m fighting. It´s enough to fight. I´mean, you can´t expect me to have a clear mind and fight at the same time. That`s a moronoxy. It´s so stupid it´s for people with no warfare experience whatsoever.

-My experience is that as soon as you managed to get a fight going, you can keep it on forever. Nobody cares about logic anymore at that point. This is the stage for brutal force communication. I dig it. I feel so alive. It´s why I seek conflict. I fucking love it. Baby hit me one more time.

-I got a weak spot for some of those Britney songs. They bring out the worst in me.

Photo pretendtious

It`s Official, Kim Jong-un Is As Stupid As His Dad

Dumb 3.0 -He`s an idiot, confirms CIA Analysts Secret Johnson, the unknown cousin of Ryan Seacrest.

-I have no knowledge of a cousin with that name, says Mr Seacrest, but adds respectfully... it must be true of it comes from the CIA. We all know we can trust them in times of danger. Wait... there`s no danger. Something is wrong here. I wonder why...

-Everybody on the group photo says he`s a moron. It took us forever to talk to all of them. We only have one spy in North Korea. Thank god they all look alike. Otherwise he would have been caught a long time ago.

-Long time ago. Long long long time ago. Our budget allow for one operativ in North Korea, most people would think that is not enough. It is! It`s more than enough. It`s so much more than enough we had to cut the job to a part time job. Thats how banal this whole situation is. Watching Kim is like staring at a banana. He is so fucking one dimensional.

-Foreigners think the country is closed. It`s not closed, it`s simple. Simple, simple, simple. It`s a place where intelligence doesn`t grow on trees.  place like this got 100% zero surprises. It`s all laid out. It`s all there in the Nort Korean manual. Get it and your job is done for the next 10 years. This shit doesn`t update like software.

-It`s old warehouse technology. Grey, boring, dysfunctional. Nothing dangerous. The only thing that can blow up here is their egos. Let them blow, baby. Let them blow, says Mr Who, another blowhard CIA know-it-all fuck everybody kind a guy.

-Suck my dick!

Photo coljac

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - Not An Unexpected Hit

Ian McKellan: I`m a big ZZ Top fan and a beard activist.

Monsieur Hublot. -Nobody puts $150 million on the table and goes "Oh... what? Was it a hit?" They fucking beg for it. Their down on their knees schivering cause they can`t stand still. An unexpected hit, come on. It`s film business, not film charity, says Ian McKellan.

-The company already put aside another $300 million to make the same bet two more times. This is Film Street, not Wall Street. Use your brain, dimwit. Do you think I would be in this if I didn`t expect a smash hit?

-Well, I would, cause at my age you don`t care about those things anymore. You realise life is all there is and you try to squeeze out as much joy as you can from this journey. I could sit in an elderly home and brag about the old days and complain about these days, but I don`t. I choose to sit in a goofball costume half around the world.

-It doesn`t take a wizard to play a wizard, it takes not listening. Who in hell would ever advise me to do this when I went to school. No one, except me. I would... Listen to you heart bitch and your going to be all right.

Photo ianmalcm

National Rifle Association Struggle To Recruit New Members

-I don`t know Bob, I`ve had the gun in my drawer for 15 years
and nobody has tried to break into my home. I`ve waited 15
years to blast that trigger. 15 years!!! Your killing me!!!!!!!!!!

Fun control. Thousands of Americans resign daily from the once popular organisation. It was formed in 1871 and became quickly popular among murderers.

Then gun lovers and people with weapon fetishes followed over the years. The growing arsenal of guns and ammo around the country soon became a national worry and the members of NRA had to defend their right to protect themselves.

-It simply isn`t enough dangerous people around to justify 315.000.000 weapons. Thats one pr citizen. We`re not all dangerous! ... well, we are if we keep walking around with these stupid guns.., says street Jane.

Photo laasB

Fewer And Fewer Paedophiles Seek Careers As Catholic Priests

St. Pervert's Church. According to Nambla, the worlds most ridiculous organisation, paedophiles prefer not to associate themselves with the Catholic Church.

-We prefer other parts of society which has yet to be revealed, says child molester David Stormson who has been shot 15 times since it got known he was a little bit different that the other people living in Charlton, Burmingham.

-I walked down the street one day and an old lady pulled out a gun from her purse and shot me in the head. When the paramedics found my id on the way to he hospital, they drove me back and threw me out of the ambulance. Then a dog came and pissed on me. I think I got driven over 15 times when I crawled home.

-The power was out. All my belongings where vandalised and a hand grenade got thrown into my living room. I called the cops, they came and beat me up. Told me to never call again unless I wanted euthanasia. Two weeks later I did and they looked att me and decided there was no reason to end the pain so early. So they brought some prisoners and raped me.

-I try to avoid professions where I`m recognised, except the BBC, or the safe house as we liked to call it. We could always get our sins forgiven in the Catholic Church, but Jesus`s policy doesn`t work these days. Everybody wants revenge. 15 of the kids I abused became special force soliders. Thanks god their busy with Afghanistan... for now. I hope that war goes on forever.

-No, I don`t see the Lord as my calling card in life, cause I`ll meet him soon enough.

Photo Andreas Tille

Kim Jong-un Hates That PSY Is From South Korea

Read or die. The North Korean porkypie informed his people that he would never let anyone make him stand in the shadow like PSY.

-I am the leader of this country and that includes the music scene as well. I look like a pig so there is no reason for anyone to try top me.

The North Korean leader continue to spill his gut about how PSY stole the pork look from him. -He is like Hitler, he took the moustache from Chaplin and somehow made everyone think he "came up with it".

The leader mentions that he cry himself to sleep these days. -He`s getting famous worldwide for pretending to be the horse's arse that I am. I do that shit. I don`t fuck around. I`m a dictator, god dammit!

Photo Joseph A Ferris III

PSY Waited To Release Gangnam Style Until The Population Was 7 Billion

YouTube Style. -If I waited for 8 billion I think I would have lost interest, but back in the 90`s, when I made the song, there was only 5 billion people and it`s not enough for a smash hit like this, says Psy.

-I`m sure it would reach ten times the number of youtube hits if I waited to 2050, but at some point people will not find it interesting to watch a guy do those moves. I got to draw the line somewhere. I think 35 was perfect. You know... I`m will not grow old gracefully, hah hah hah!

Photo Eva Rinaldi

Media Mogul Builds Golf Course In The Sky

Skygolf. The sky course is planed to be above Beijing Capital International Airport. -I know the people in the communist party. They know how deep my mouth... pockets, excuse me, are. Besides, the fog is so awful nobody will notice, says Ching.

-Part of the reason to put it above the airport is I want to hit planes with golf balls, especially the onces who carry people I don`t like. The rest of the reasons is nobody have enough power to stand up against me.

-We only accept white Americans and Western Asians like Japs, Koreans, and Thais as caddies. No Chinese is allowed to work for minimum wage. Taiwanese will be hired to mow the lawn. They will be paid in non violence, a form of pre-insurance.

-Guest players can choose to access the course through skylift, helicopters and airdrop. Regular people has to climb up the building and are welcome to play if they survive. I especially encourage Europeans to try, Europeans and Americans, Canadians too...

-Anybody who has benefitted unfairly from our cheap labour of hate. Bankers, shop owners, manufatures, traders, customers,... everybody.

Photo The Point Residences

Jeff Bezos Can See The Future

The fonder of Amazon, Jeff Bezos saw what the rainforest
destruction would lead to, so he made an online ark who
contains at least two examples of every product made of it.

Replacement jungle. -Technically speaking, what I see has already happened by the time I decode the information, says Jeff.

-The time it takes for the information to travel from my eyes to my brain, makes it already old news by the time I understand it.

-Therefor, what I see has yet to come and since I don`t know yet, I can see the future without knowing what it brings.

-Understanding this I urge the people of Amazonas: don`t burn down the rainforrest, get a kindle fire and burn down amazon.com.

Photo jurvetson

Chinese Customers Avoid Anything Assembled in USA

Shopsmart. -We don`t want crap. How can we trust they still remember how to put their shit together? If you look at their current financial crisis, that should be a big enough indicator. Besides, who wants anything designed in the 50`s? The world has moved on since Elvis`s hip shaking on the Ed Sullivan Show, says Jono.

-And why would I want to buy a problem when I can get a problem free devise, made in China, which work? Cause there is no products made in USA anymore. I would be crazy to buy anything claimed to be made there cause then you know it`s counter fit. It`s probably from North Korea, Somalia or some mountain village outside Kuala Lumpur.

-If it was designed in China I might buy it... depending on which city it was assembled. LA and any border town to Mexico is okay, but the further up north you go, the worse it gets. When you reach Alaska and the former Governor claims to see Russia from her house... and she`s not put to sleep, but even worse, selected for possible Vice Presidentship in the White House... you don`t buy stuff from people like that. You sell them stuff... like, medication.

Photo Wootang01

Surfer Girl Announce Abortion

Sport pregnancy. -I`m not having a baby now. Not now. I`m not taking 9 months off to squeeze out a baby thats going to take all this away from me for the next 20 years. No way, Jose. Not in a million years, says Orlana, the Bitch of Byron Bay.

Photo cafe-lab

Chinese People Think USA Is Tiny

-It`s so small we have to squint our eyes to see it.

Ballseye! -It`s like the size of my balls, says Chau Ding. -And they owe me a lot of money!

America it`s like a spectacular feat of mediocracy... uh... democracy. I mean, that`s as good as it gets if you choose democracy. Ha ha ha ha. Democracy... Have you ever heard of democracy and freedom? Thats the best joke here.

-Like you don`t have to go to work in the morning. HA! HA! HA! What`s the point of democracy if you can`t sleep inn? As in you freely go to work. Like it`s an important part of your individuality. HAH!!! HAH!!! HAH!!! Suck my dick.

-Life`s a bitch and we`re honest about it. Yes, it`s a dictatorship, but at least we don`t walk around telling everyone they can be President one day. That`s some day, uh? Well, it ain`t happening and guess what? I got work to do.

Photo JasonDGreat

Mike Tyson: I Prefer Budweiser Cause It Keeps Me From The Ring

Me, myself & my boxer shorts. -I got enough problems as it is, says Iron Mike, former World Boxing Champion, now reality show celebrity, the only one qualifying without being in one -I`m still a heavyweight, but not in boxing.

-I`m heading for the top of non violent entertainment. I`m going to beat them all with my mouth. In later years I realised words can also be used to beat up people. I give my audience a good beating everyday and all they do is laugh. Ha ha ha!

-The only difference between my show and others is that I don`t have security,.. I can still whoop some ass. But the ticket price is the same. I got to insurance the whole audience cause I never know who I`ll beat up.

Photo Eva Rinaldi

Hot Lawyer Enjoy Being The One Everybody Wants To Shag

Suck it. -While everybody focus on my good looks, no one notice I don`t do a damn shit at work, at home, at anywhere. The last time I actually did something is when I... hmm... when was that...? Must have been years ago.

-I get people to do things for me all time so I don`t have to do anything myself. Wouldn't it be mean to not take advantage of that? It`s ill spirited not receiving help from others. I`m a yes person all the way.

-Men complain that women micro manage things. I don`t. I macro manage. I run the entire fucking operation at the law firm. This floor is mine bitch!

-Since everybody wants me at the firm I date clients only. It`s actually good for business. The market we`re in is not so much into common values. The consumers prefer companies who brake the rules. I get a 15% share of the total gross expenses.

-My dad teached me that looks isn`t everything and that I needed to get an education so I had a profession the day my looks fade away. Well, guess what dad. I got 7 billion dollars in my bank. Who`s your daddy now?

Photo stilettobootlover_83

French Gay Muslims Finally Gets A Place To Bend Over

On your knees boy. France has officially opened it`s first all gay Mosque outside Paris where Muslims are welcome to go do their thing and not be ashamed of it. How the hell they expect the Muslims to behave when not even the Christians can`t stand homosexuals is a question to be reckoned with.

Maybe this is the first issue where Muslims and Christians can agree on something. Maybe this is the first time all religions of the world, jews included, can find common ground and all be retards together.

Honest to God, who gives a shit where anyone put their dicks. As long as it`s not in your pasta... fuck it. There`s more important things to be dealt with. Let`s not make a mess out of our Genitalia Positioning System. It works perfect the way it is. As long as you let it follow the RoadMap to sex.

The reproductive organs where never designed to spread the word and create books.

Photo francisco_osorio

Tabloid Reporter Shot Down Over Buckingham Palace

BBC III of England. The tabloid reporter from News of the Past died when he hit the anti-ballistic missile over Buckingham Palace. He tried to top the Queens Olympic stunt during the opening ceremony by jumping out of a passenger flight from Iceland to Moscow.

-He didn`t die from the explosion, says British Air Force General Top. It was the impact who got the better of him. Whatever intention he had, he was not invited to the press conference where Duchess Kate and Prince Williams announced the pregnancy.

-We decided to shoot the reporter down when we got a negative guest list match. In fact, the decision was already taken when we got the persons id. It stank Murdoch all over it.

Royal Security Chief of Staff Pete Poof points out a shoot down like this is hard on the short term budget, but might turn out quite profitable in the long run. -We get a bit of a bad ass reputation, nobody can sue us on the obvious "mistake"and Kate gets a bit of privacy from now on. Anybody dare to snap a picture of her titts again know they will be found dead in the river.

-Thames was originally excavated to get rid off noisy reporters. It`s Londons equal to Las Vegas`s desert. God knows how many people are buried there. Probably as many as in the Suez canal. That was built to get rid of the Jews. But then Hitler came and after that it was kinda... you know... it`s better to lay low for a while. Maybe 50 years...

Photo Brendan and Ruth McCartney

Kate and William Name Their Baby London 2012

The Kings Sperm. At least if celebrity nation get their will. The string of celebre kids with City names is getting longer.

-Only A list celebrities can name their kids after a city, but it takes a royal to take on a metropolitan. Sorry Beckham, but you got to stick to suburbs, says British reporter without trust.

-Then you have those you would think could not read or suffered from serious mental illness when they name their kid a colour. Jay Z, didn`t you suffer enough growing up colored to name your daughter one... or was it to encourage making unreal stacks of cash being one? I guess black was taken.

Photo  Tom Soper Photography

Kim Jong Un Is The New Face Of Pork Chops

Fear of the Pig.

The Pig. The Supreme Bacon of North Korea has made a deal with Karl Lagerfeld to front the new dictator fragnance Porky the Pig. -How can I resist pouring bacon on that pig face says Lagerfeld. -It`s one of the joys of working in fashion. I get to do so much bizarre things. But this tops the list by far.

-We`re pursuading the guy to walk down the catwalk in his underwear. Oh God, this is like a Jesus moment. He is so close to doing it. He actually thinks he`s really hot so the convincing him to do it took 2 seconds. It`s getting him here thats the problem.

-Not like I would mind anything happening, if you get my drift. But he kinda get that. But his ego is bigger and that squeezes out all room for reflection in his brain. He will squeal for carpet.

Photo TheWeek

Disabled Guys Enjoy Making Fun Of Functional People

-We meet here everyday and throw nasty comments at people. 

Mob Squad. -I know it`s bad to ridicule walkers, but I can`t help myself. It`s too funny. They have absolutely no comeback. What can they say to a person in an electric wheelchair? Thats why I rub it in. I really go for it. And when I`ve unloaded the full 9 yards of sarcastic jokes I ask for help. That leaves them speechless. Then I scream:"Are you not helping me?".

-I reload my mouth and spews out the jokes one more time. It`s beautiful. And the best part is... somebody else always comes to the rescue and help me while they give the person I ridicules the evil eye, says Tim.

-One guy I meet this way beat up the person as in really hard. It was like winning the lottery and getting laid at the same time. Not many think about that, but we don`t go to Hooters. For us it`s like, okay, we`re really steamed up now, where do we take it from here? Thats why we go to Hookers, says Donald.

-Yeah, says Arnie. There is no such thing as a rich disabled person. As soon as we get some extra its all in. We never stand a chance to save up. It`s against our nature.

 Photo National Assembly For Wales / Cynulliad Cymru

Wordsmith Still Cleaning Up After The Dirty Election

WordDirt. -I`ve never used so much foul language in my life. And now I have to travel around the country picking up all the bad words. I`m a deworder, as in deminer, with the whole world as my field. All those televised debates and superpack commercials messed it up. It`s shit everywhere, says Cool Obama.

-I work for Obama, I only work for the winners. I goes with the territory. Part of my job is to remove the other guy to. He`s defined as used words. That`s code for throw away. It`s better than the previous Pres... no way.

-I don`t know how I`m going to clean Haiti or New Orleans or New York or the Gaza Strip. It`s difficult to separate our words from theirs. Their so similar. So aggressive in tone. And they still seem to ned them.

-And then there is the internet. I don`t even want to get into it. Where do I begin?

-We need another 10.000 employees.

Photo aflcio