The new hot bachelor in North Korea

Ladies pig. What more could a girl want than this dickhead? He`s the leader of the most irresponsible army in the world. He`s got an ego the size of the universe and he`s fat. What more could a girl possibly want?

Look at that cheap watch. The guy is crap all the way through. He looks like a pig born of a panda.

His favorite pick up line is "Let`s pork" and the next is "or else you die...". Apparently it`s a killer combination. It works every time.

Photo petersnoopy

Celebrates New Year's Eve in Las Vegas for the 365th time in a row

The city that never wakeup. -It`s Vegas baby. I`ve only been here a year, but it feels like year 2377. I can`t tell weekdays from new year eve days. It`s all a big party and I`m not stopping until somebody stops me, says exclusive Joe with far too much money on his account.

Photo munch96

Expert think Viktor Yanukovych`s poisoning was a dirty trick

Poison Ivan. -He already looked like shit so,... what damage could it do? I would have pulled it myself. Seriously, how else could he get ahead? The sad part is he was never poisoned. He ate pure evil. Like he does everyday, says former KGB spymachine Mostolov Complicated.

-I mean, look at how he conducts himself. The guy is poison. Everything he touches get affected. He`s going to kill the entire country with his venom. Yulia Tymoshenko is Ukraine`s only antidote.

-Think about it. Have you ever seen a failed assassination in the former Sovjet Union before? Do you seriously think that exist? Their track record is out of this world. He was going for the sympathy vote.

Photo Kremlin

Tymoshenko is giving Ukraines president a good beating from prison

Star Wars Woman. George Lucas is planing a movie about princess Leia and is seriously casting Yulia Tymoshenko as the heroin. -I`m so impressed by her resistance. It`s like a real life Empire Strikes Back, says George Lucas.

-That Dark Vader ashole, Viktor Yanukovych, he learned nothing from the poisoning, it must have got to his head. Well... I got more cash than the entire state budget of Ukraine. I can outmuscle him and his army anytime.

-We`re going in to get Yulia, with or without his permission. Production is set for spring. It will be the coolest blockbuster in history. Can you imagine; Princess Leia and the birth of democracy.

Photo Independent

Buried the bastard in an old Lincoln

Silent message. -Atleast they got humor. If Kim knew he was carried to his resting place in an outdated American car it would seriously piss him off. I think it`s young Kim`s way of saying "I hate you dad". I bet the car was rusty, it has to be. It`s North Korea. It hasn`t seen a proper oil change since the 70`s when it was smuggled in, says North Korea specialist hater Alexander Pumkin.

Photo AFP

US take a 2 year time out from international politics

United Break. President Barack Obama announced earlier today that the United States not only withdraws from Iraq, but the whole world.

 -You have to take care of yourself now, there will be no protection whatsoever. If North Korea, China or whoever wants world domination attack you, screw you!

Photo DVIDSHUB

Albert Nobbs, a woman trapped in Conan O`Brians body

Team Close. -I thought we where making a movie about Albert Nobbs, says Glenn Close. -So did everybody else until we saw the rushes. It was like Oh my God, it`s Conan O`Brian.

-It`s already a movie about him starring him. What do we do? Re-digitize it. Set it in the 19th century Ireland and hope for the best.

Photo albertnobbs-themovie

After two rounds Mario found out he was gay

Cage bedding. -I`m used to whipping ass, then it all became different. Like something came over me. I went with it and bent over. I was so into it I forgot I was in the ring. -I`d rather loose than being raped by a man in public, says his opponent. -I don`t know what took the judge so long. Maybe he waited to see where this was going. I definitely did NOT want to go there. Luckily I was saved by the bell.

Photo superwebdeveloper

US sends pedophile to meet Kim Jong-un

The Last Emperor. -Is that him? Minutes later the representative was shot dead by Kim`s Mystery Service.

US officials say "He got the message".

Photo zennie62

Poor Chinese guy enjoys coming from the worlds next superpower

Lies of the Dragon. -I get a respect abroad I don`t get at home. They freekin bow for me, says Bong. -Serve me food. Let me stay for free. The perks are awesome, especially when I mention the army. They get so interested. And I bullshit about the weapons and our advanced technology. This is where I usually get presents and I never see them again.

-I`ve been couch surfing for 7 years now and not spend a single Yen. I prefer the Yen, it`s my way of expressing I hate living at home.

-It`s amazing how far I can push it. People seems to believe anything when it comes to China. It`s like they want their worst nightmare confirmed. Thats how I look at it. I`m an angel of confirmation.

Photo Voka - Kamer van Koophandel Limburg

Became a billionaire on selfwrapping paper

Get rich or die hiding. Peter Parker, formerly known as Spider-Man, has become filthy rich from selfwrapping paper. -People are so lazy these days, when they can pay twice for selfwrapping paper - they do it. That shows how much people care...

-I got tired of the saving the world business. You can do it only so many times before it gets boring. And besides, I figured out, after 5 thousand magazines, I should get a girlfriend who stays out of trouble. You know, a lot of the shit I dealt with was cause of her.

His grandma has another view. -He`s always been selfish. I knew this superhero thing was only temporary. Deep down there, he`s an ashole, like the rest of us. Everyone has their own way of finding out. His was doing good deeds and realize this is not me. I`m an ashole.

-The technology is easy, says Parker who wears the Spider-Man suit to draw attention to his new product. -It`s nano technology. I shoot nano web from my wrist. I had this 50 years ago. I can shot spaghetti, rope... I figured spiderweb would freak people out the most. It`s really the simplest. All those holes, it`s not solid.

-But science has keep up with me now. I don`t have that illuminati advantage, it got me laid, I`ll tell you that, but nothing last forever and I might asweel make some money on it while I still can. In not long the other superheros will cash in asweel. Look at Captain America. He sold out a long time ago. Batman, that whole bat thing, I can`t believe how you guys still buy that. He`s way overdue.

As he walks off, Peter spots a hot babe -I won`t miss getting a hardon in this suite. It`s so embarrassing...

Photo Olaf

Sales of sunglasses down 100% in Lahore

Darkshine. -Not that I got the money anyway, but why would I buy one when I stare at the sun and think it`s the moon? It feels like it`s the last 8 minutes of sun we`ll ever get. Thats it`s burning out and your on your own now, says Aban.

-I`ve seen sunshine on tv, so I know what it looks like. But walking around with my brown skin feels like I`m genetically overprepared. I`ll never need this sunskin. Which makes it only stupider if I walked around with sunglasses too. As if to say hey I`m really an idiot. Skin cancer is history here man.

-I actually take solarium to keep my color. If not I end up like those in between colors who emigrated to the west. You know, not white, not brown, don`t belong anywhere. Well, this is my home and I`m not looking like a foreigner.

Photo tore_urnes

WMA wishes every nonread a poor Xmas

Black Xmas. We hope you blew a lot of cash on nothing. That you ended in depth from all the presents you had to buy to relatives you don`t even care about. We hope you get less than you give and feel used at the end of the holiday.

We sincerely hope you gain weight and struggle for a whole year to take it off - only to put it back on next Xmas.

We pray to God that you don`t get the irony. May our wishes come through.

Have a shitty holiday!

Photo DanCentury

Women soccer became the world most popular sport overnight

Buttpower. -We took off our shorts, that`s all. We are the same girls, it`s the same balls, you only get to see us better from behind, says the Argentinian national team.

-Thats what we`ve been doing wrong all time. We thought the audience wanted to see the action infront of the goal. As it turned out, they where more interested in the rear view.

How does the men feel about this? -Maradona is ok with it, he is past his prime, but the others are jealous. Like bitches. You would think they are women. No wonder we rock at this.

Photo gnews pics

Bob Dylan: Blonde on Blonde was never about poetry

Double lie. -It was a fantasy I had in my head. How obvious does it need to be, says Bob in a rare interview with the devil. -It`s claimed to be my best album. It`s my dirtiest! I was in my twenties...

-I meet these two lovely ladies in a nightclub and they inspired me to make a sandwich LP and the rest is just filthy. It has nothing to do on Rolling Stones 500 greatest albums of all time.

-It was a dream. It never happened. The women went home in a taxi and left me alone with my imagination. Thats all there is to it. It`s a self righteous pity album to re-establish my self-esteem.

-If you lie big enough, people buy it. Thats why I made it a double album. The fans would have seen through a single record, there`s a hole in it for Christs sake, but give them two holes with four layers they loose track.

Photo Lars Magne SunnanÃ¥

Sister in shock after finding out there is millions with the same pin code

4 digit lie. -Thinking about it, there are only 4000 different options, when you have billions of credit cards, a lot of people will share the same pin code.

-What really freaks me out is we share the same money, says the self claimed genius who dropped out of school at age 11.

-The numbers on my account is the same numbers on everybody else's account - only in a different order. Which means it`s actually only ten money: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0, but I we`re so stupid we think only we own them. If I have 2 6 9 and 5, how can you have them? argues the blonde.

-I knew I should never signed up for a digital account. It`s like the assassination of JFK. I predicted that when I saw the movie. Notes and coin where real. But these card work even when I`m in depth?! It`s the biggest fraud in history. I knew I was destined for something great. Like giving birth to a baby Jesus, but revealing this is bigger than religion. Sorry Jesus, you have to find another mum now. I got bigger fish to fry.

Photo LordFerguson

North Korea going south

Oneocracy. -We have, for decades. Only now it`s officially obvious. Even the guards are scared, says soon to be slaughtered for speaking to foreign evil media. Then to be put on display and eaten by lions to scare of others to do the same.

Photo kalleboo

North Korean wish his new leader die of AIDS

Fort Korea. -If I`m going to have another leader who tells me the same shit for another 60 years, I might as well live on the North Pole.

-He`s the only fat person in the country. It`s like he eats half our food supply. Give him the rest and we`re rid of him. I can starve a few winters extra for that. What does it matter? There`s no food anyway.

-I want to go to South Korea. Blow a lot of cash. By a Hyundai. Drive back and fart in Kim Jong Un`s face.

Photo yeowatzup

Kiwi scientists try to sink Australia

Inferiority complex. New Zealands Prime Minister John Key broke the news at a joint press conference with Hillary Clinton who to his surprise responded negative. -I did not hear those words. You didn`t just say your planning to attack Australia? This is a joke, right?!

-Imagine the waves! Have you ever tried surfing. It will be awesome. Besides, diving will skyrocket.

-Your seriously not planning to drown Australia. This is ridiculous, I mean how...?

-Don`t worry. There is a way... it must be!!! We got our top people working on it and if someone out there can help or come up with a solution they will be heavily rewarded.

-This press conference ends now. -We cut your mike hour ago. Nobody heard a thing you said. Your on playback. Right now your saying what a great idea it is. To hell with Australia.

-Digital delay is a bitch, ay. Gives our technicians just enough time to add libb your mouth. Your in so much trouble.

Photo US Embassy New Zealand

Credit card holder tried to kill his pin code

DisasterCard. -He totally lost control. Threw the card on the floor and jumped on it. Then he wrote the code on the shop floor, got hold of a samurai sword and tried to kill it. Apparently he had been shopping x-mas presents all day and couldn`t take it anymore, says an eye witness.

-He was yelling It`s my money! I din`t ask for a pin code. Work god damit! No, I`m not entering that pin code one more time. Fuck you! And then he snapped. Like he`s been building up plastic hate since he got his first credit card and erupted it like a volcano, says a woman who heard about it from someone who was there.

-Then he smashed his head in the cashier and ate the money. Took off his pants and jumped around like a monkey asking everyone do you want my pin code? says a friend of  the woman who heard it from someone else.

-A woman who had married the hottest stockbroker in Manhattan saw the lunatic and yelled out I want your number, I`ll file for divorce, come save me from a safe happy future, says a guy who`s really bad at lying.

-I don`t believe any of this shit, says this guy in the waiting room at the dentist office. -What I was told by a fellow who wasn`t there, is that they took off their clothes and made a nature movie in the shopping centre.

-That`s not what I heard. I have hearing problems so the only thing I heard was ahhhh aahhh AAAH! AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!, says a blind tourist from Gibraltar with a patch on his eye.

-Thats not what happened. I know, I was sitting in kitchen at home listening to the radio. He was a midget  who wanted revenge for always being too short. He tried to blow up the shopping centre and rebuild it in his height, says former journalist in News of The World.

-I think tis is getting rather silly now, says the writer to himself. -Yeah, like out of control. Just like that pin code terrorist.

Photos The Consumerist

Got 2.4 million euro i parking tickets

Poseparking. -I budget an extra 20% for speeding tickets whenever I get a new car. Sometimes 30%, depending on the brand. I love fast cars, I`ve had dusins, but this time I thought, let`s buy an old one and spend the money on parking tickets instead, says Mr Hammer.

-My family was really glad when I stopped speeding. But when they saw all the tickets from parking crazy they asked me to speed again. Or atleast wait with parking until they got their part of the will. Secretly they wish I had died years ago in a car crash.

-It`s really fun to madpark cause the worst thing they can do is tow it. And in most cases, that is the only way to get out. I get an adress to cash out the veichle and thats it. No loosing my driving license cause I parked up side down in an indoor sone.

-That`s what I love about the Euro. I can stuntpark nearly all over Europe and pay my tickets with the same currency. Talk about facilitating! The European Union is the best crash parking zone in the world. Plus in 5 out 10 crash test parkings I don`t even get a ticket, but a free ride to the hospital. what a service.

Photo Geograph

2 billions caught in download case

Crimeweb. The Victoria police in Melbourne has captured 2 billion people for possession of illegal files. -We followed the people closely for two months. Then we stretched it. Since this is such a big case we asked for another two months where we played poker, burned gas, went on mountain trips... living the good cop life. How could they say no?

-Yesterday we brought everyone in for questioning. There`s been some space problems. We had to jam everyone from Asia into one room. But their used to being squeezed. Then we sat down and did the interrogation. Since they pretty much watch the same movies we did 10.000 at the time.

-Now we`re pressing charges on all of them, except one. She was a relative to someone at the office. Miscommunication there. But she is totally not guilty. And really hot. Her kids real dad works here.

-We`re holding an Ukrainian hakker, the inventor of the download button, down as our main suspect. He will probably get, if this shit goes through, life sentence and a global following Jesus style. While the others will be charged for attempt to handle stolen files and laid off cause nobody gives a shit.

Photo hughiethethird

Falkland Islands attack Great Britan

Englands war. Today, at 06.00 medieval idiot time, Falkland attacked Great Britain and acclaimed it their property. -We own this shit now. Surrender or jump out in the ocean, says the imperial resistance on skype from Falklands.

-The people of Falkland are welcome to take anything they want, but the Palace is mine. We`re flying everybody in as soon as our solders has cleaned up. Next week probably.

-Our two top soldiers... our two only soldiers has trained for this their whole life. -Yeah, I watched a lot of Arnold movies growing up and thought, hey, I can do that! The other guy was more like -I just want out of this shithole. This morning they set foot for England with 4 guerilla mules and 2 donkey fighter.

According to MI6 their still at the Falklands Islands, 4 km north of their "army camp" heading towards Great Britain at 2 miles pr hour. In an interview done with a local journalist walking along, the soldiers say Argentina is next.

-After we`d beaten up Britain, we`re gonna punchdog those retarded flamenco tangos. We`re tired of their nagging. Claiming we belong to them. It`s their time to be our bitch now. The first change we`ll do after the invasion is to change the name of their capital to Buenos Degos. Then we`ll change their official language to English.

-We`ll do the same to the Brits, but they have to speak French. And then after two years we`ll change it again. To German. And then we`ll make Spanish the official language. In fact, we`ll rename it Falkland and make it a part of Great Falkland, the Falkland Empire.

-From now on everybody will care about the Falkland. All those poor people and natural disasters take the attention away from us. Now, after this plan succeeds, we`re gonna be deep in the shitter. So deep  other catastrophes will look like the top of our island.

-The global news coverage will give us endless repeats on History Channel, spin off documentaries like VolksWagen was invented on the Falklands and was originally called FolkWagen before Hitler stole it. We might not be a Great Empire, but we will definitely be the Great Famepire.

Map Nearby

Who the fuck is Egypt?

Living next door to Egypt. Is it the people? The army? Mubarak? MWA asked Smokie. -How the hell can we know? We don`t even know who Alice is! And we made that song!!!

Photo archer10 (Dennis)

Kim Jong-dumb

From ill to dumb. Or ill to worse or father to son... With a dictator living the life like Mr North Korea, you would think he could find a better successor from his thousands of children around the country than this meatheat... Would you lay the future of 24 million people in the hands of an Eric Clapton fan? Only if you want to look better in retrospect.

Photo BBC

Shaking news: Earthquake!

Butt crack. According to eye witnesses James Bond was in a bar nearby ordering a Vodka Martini and when the ground started shaking he told the bartender "Shaken, not... never mind".

The cause of the quake is believed to be a music video shoot nearby featuring the booty shaking pop diva Lady Gaga.

Photo martinluff

Newt Gingrich to star in the animated remake of The Gingerbread Man

Met the Gingers. -Who can we get to star in a remake of the 1998 box office fiasco? Newt Gingrich! It`s a perfect match. We just have to animate him like the Republicans did with Bush. He`s familiar with the process and happy to lend his mind, says the producers at Pixar.

-We`re creating a whole new world made out of gingerbread where gingerbread can talk. The story follow Ginger on a mission to save the gingerbread economy from the devils in China and then everything fucks up.

-The gingerbread men in the movie actually eat gingerbread men, we didn`t think of that until after we where done. So, we hope nobody notice, cause it`s pure cannibalism.


Photo AmericanSolutions

Iran, Russia & China in talks to start fuck things up

Back in the U.S.S.R. -We want to end this 1 percent bullshit. Why should we share with the 1 percent? Who the hell do they think they are taking our wealth? We own everything. The world is ours and we`re not sharing with anyone. Not even North Korea, says Putin in a speech to his two puppydog pussies from China and Iran.

The three leaders meet in Kremlin on the Red Square. -I`m not fucking taking these douchebags inside. Do you think I`m impressed by a Chinese President? I can`t even remember his name. Hah! I`m gonna kill them both later anyway. After I shagged their dogs. I`m gonna make Russia into the worlds only country.

-Then I`ll put a price on it. Change the flag into zebra stripes and buy it in a supermarket. Hah! Then I`ll carry it home in a shopping bag. Put in in my freezer and watch tv for the rest of my life.

WMA wonders what thoughts the two other participants had on his vision. -They never got to talk, express their views or whatever. They where designated listeners - just like the rest of you. Thats why I brought 2000 speakers and keps them on a thousand meters distance.

Photo  Kremlin.ru

Terrorist attack: somebody wants attention

Pseudo reality. -There is plenty of other way to get noticed, says anthropologist Sue Pretty. -A big dick, skills, money, great car, hot body... there`s no reason to blow up people. In fact, the total amount of attention does not way up for the price the terrorist has to pay. The he/she devil can only use this attention to 1) end themselves or 2) prison, which both is very unattractive to the opposite sex, current employer and family and friends. In most cases the terrorist is the last branch on the family three. They never live to see their utopia fail. That`s the main problem. Their comfortable with that. To them the illusion is real. So whatever you do to get these people off terror you`re not gonna get very far. You know, fake is real to them, so you have to fake it. Like you would, with people who want attention.

Photo vintagedept

Didn`t have enough bullets to kill the 100.000 demonstrants

United bullshit. With the armed forces showing sympathy with the demonstrants, Putin did not have enough bullets to gun`em down himself. -You`re our bitch now Putin, says a participan. -Why don`t you go on the news and do the monkey, monkeyboy. Jump, Putin, jump!

With the Norway killings fresh in mind Putin chickened out and decided not to go down that road like his brother in crime Gaddafi. -I´m a pussy dictator, there you have it...

Image CaricatureCan

China`s Paramount Leader in talks to take over Paramount Pictures

Retirement deal. -I know what people want. If you let me control the output the domestic audience will be 100% guaranteed. I know how this shit works.

-What`s the trick? Violence. Anybody who doesn`t buy a ticket will loose one arm. Cheers! Let`s drink up, bitch.

-Did I tell you we`ll invade USA if I don`t get the job? Swallow after me. Mmm. It`s poison. You`ll get the antidote after you`re signed the papers. I want the whole company. You got 48 seconds. One word and our guards will shoot you.

Photo dilmarousseff

Hu Jintao`s wax doll at Madame Tussauds looks more real than him

Turtle wax. -It`s not a propaganda stunt, says the wax artist in London. The Chinese President simply looks like a wax doll cause of the emotional constraints. We have a reputation to take into account. Therefor we made him more Westerner. You know, a big smile, waving his hand... more human, like if he wasn`t living in China.

-If you wan`t a doll, watch the news. We`re about showing people!

Photo Berto Garcia

Benetton ad removed after viewer throwing up

1st aid. -What disgust me is not the black guy or the yellow one. Neither is it the man on man action. It`s the French kiss. I can stand tongue. Have you ever been to France and had a Parisian buy you a drink? Before you know it he`s got his tongue down your throat.

-And the women are no better. They are down on you before they introduce themselves and won`t leave until they realize you aren`t paying for the drink.

Photo Unhate Foundation

Indian chef use spice to hide bad ingredients

Herbal knockout. -Like I`m not the only one. Look, if I weren`t doing it I would be the only one. Everybody does it. Pakistan, Mexico, Bangladesh... We would never soak our dishes in burning spices if we had the same ingredients as the Italians. Why would we? But we have to. Otherwise nobody will by our food.

-Have you got any idea what would happen to it if we didn`t spice it up? It would get worse. Way worse. Like food poisoning worse. The spices stops it from rottening. It preserves it while it is still bad, before it goes dangerous. Nobody likes a dead customer.

-Look, Chicken Tikka is named after a timer. It never goes off, but oh my God are you close a bomb, tik tik tik tik...

Photo Edsel L

News anchor pissed in his pants on live tv

Wet story. -It started as a joke. Then it became a bet. Then I won a lot of money. Before I knew it I was addicted. The ratings where so high we could do whatever we wanted, as long as we kept it under the table, says the news anchor to WMA.

-The hardest moments not to laugh was during the weather forecasts. While the shot was on the meteorologist, I got up on the desk and pissed everywhere. Thats why we always finished with a close up, cause everyone was soaking wet from piss. And thats how the sign off with a smirky smile got started, I coud not hold it.

Photo maureen lunn

Prostitute agrees to pity shag election loser

In bed with the runner-up. -It`s part of the contract, says the manworker. Whoever we set up gets a freebee after their thrown of the race. Quite frankly, I don`t follow politics, so I can`t tell them from the other customers. For me it`s just another 15 minutes in bed.

Photo Lamiavitadimerda

French rape agents revealed in Rio de Janeiro

MISex. Brazilian Intelligence unravelled a massive co-rape operation on Copacabana. 15 undercover agents from their French counterpart, Le Sexellence, where caught in attempted group rape. The Ministry of Sex in Paris say their love operatives have a licence to rape. -We prefer sex before violence, our 00LOVE agents has no licence to kill, like the British.

Photo p2bg

Art gallery consider to get rid of Putin portrait

Pootin. -We don`t know where to place it. We tried in the toilets, but it looked like shit. We had it on an auction, but nobody bid. We placed it on ebay, we offered people money to take it.

-The problem is we can`t trow it away either. We don`t want Kremlins men kicking in our door and wishing everybody a merry xmas with their Kalashnikovs. That`s why we consider getting rid of it, it leaves an option to live, God forbid.

-If we where located in anywhere not Russia, we would use it as toilet paper. We`re that full of shit. You don`t go into art cause your`e a balanced person.

Photo Binder.donedat

The cost of saving the Euro is like tips compared to WW2

WW3. Historian Clare Predticson thinks the Euro crisis is a great opportunity for Germany to become the anti-Hitler. -Technically they have paid their dues for WW1 and WW2, but economically..., if you think about the price tag to defeat Hitler, the euro bill is a smal order.

It was Europe, Australia, Russia, parts of Africa and Asia and USA who took the World War bills and they paid them without having wast amounts of cash lying around. -In that respect I think Iceland should put up the money cause they got nothing.

But what pussels the professor is how did Europe end up in a conflict caused by the system set up to prevent it from happening? -The European Union wasn`t really about avoiding war, it was more to take a break. You hear it the way they talk about each other that they are no longer friends: "Hey! I`m not paying for that!". Soon they`ll find something else to argue about and before you know it their at it again.

Photo wikipedia

Did you seriously think they where not going to take a look?

Transparent spy. -No, it never crossed my mind. That the Intelligence Industry would surveil the stuff we say and put out on the web, that they would use this available mass information to single out terrorists or wrongdoer is beyond the prick, says Julian Assange. -I would much rather see them pick their noses and wonder what the hell is going on.

An source within the surveillance industry says that if anyone knew how boring it is to listen to all the bullshit, they would feel empathy. -It is the most dull, non rewarding job in the world. Sometimes I wish humans couldn`t talk or at least shut up for one second!

If you hate being surveilled, then imagine how much we hate to surveil you! We are the victims here, for spying out loud.

Photo adamfeuer

Pedophile State University seek heterosexual football coach

Shame Campus. -Gay coaches are also welcome, not as welcome, but still strongly encouraged to apply. We have an image problem and before we end up as the melting pot for child abuse we will do anything in our power to avoid such a thing ever happen again. Atleast within the first 2000 years. We can`t afford it. It is very important to us that the Catholic Church still rule as the place to go for those attracted to children. The moment pedophiles picture themself anywhere near football we will set the law aside to stop them. Right now a hit squad of returning military personell from Iraq is using their anger to help our cause, unofficially, off course, says the designated spokesbitch. -I mean under the table... no, under the law.

Photo acaben

China hit back. You are not the 99%. We are 1 billion for F#&% sake

Big China. -Your just a little mice. A tiny little electric gadget. Ha! Ha ha ha!!! How can you be 99% when we are 14%? How stupid are you? Are you all one? Is that what your saying? Are you communists? asks Chinese wise man Wang Wong Gong.

-What`s the difference between your American so called 1% and our 1%? Greed?! Don`t think so. At least ours try to make it look like they care. Yours don`t even try.

Photo dominikgolenia

New Survey most used thought in English Language We`ll do it later

The Peoples Think Tank. The following thought was... here it comes, please mind the gap:
2. You got nice titts/chest.
3. Look at that bulge/ass.
4. I want to %&@ her/him, her & her, him/her/her.
5. I got a headache.
6. I got a headache every time you want me.
7. I love you, but I also love your money. No money, no love.
8. Damn, we`re out of ketchup, the store is still open.... #&%*!
9. I hate you. I want to kill you. I wish you where dead. Let`s make love.
10. He`s a dog. He doesn`t understand anything. Still, I trust him more than you, honey.
11. Can you please wash your own clothes now?
12. I love you, but not like that.
13. I don`t give a shit.
14. Not my problem. Lets go.
15. Your so &$#@#* #$&?@*$&@#*!!!!!!

Photo Ed Yourdon

Hollywood had it with piracy ends film production

Monday morning movie. -Fukm. From Monday there will be black screen everywhere, says LA mogul Francis Doit.

-Then on Friday we reopen with all new Asian shit. Instead of making them as we used to, we fly people over to Asia to film them in a cinema with an iPhone.

-We only need thousand visitors to brake even. Screw global premieres...

Photo Jordiet.

Scientist with solution to world energy problem gone missing

So close. The police has no clue why the scientist mysteriously disappeared right after she announced she found a new unlimited energy source totally free of charge. No one within the energy business understands why anybody would want to abduct her. -Yeah, why would we?!, says the oil people.

According to rumors the incident has nothing to do with the dead body found up in a three outside the scientists home. -I know it looks like the same person, but it`s not. If you look at her smartphone it`s about 200 incoming calls from a guy known to do dirty jobs for whoever pays the most, so it can`t be her. Why would anybody not want to solve the energy problem once and for all?, says the investigator.

Her family, who is also missing, told friends that the solution was surprisingly simple. Yeah, disappointingly so. Apparently it`s all around us, we just haven`t seen it yet. -They laughed very hard when they talked about it. So hard that they never came to the point. Weird you ask cause I had these men asking me the same question last night, says a close friend of the family.

Photo swanksalot

The I don`t want to be president campaign

Runaway candidate. The extremely popular politician, who is seen as the only candidate who can beat the current president, has been asked to run for more than 3 decades. -I don`t want to do it. I don`t care. I don`t want to be president of the United States of America. You can say whatever you want. In the end of the day it`s me who makes the decision - not you.

-I`ve slept with hookers, I`ve used blow, I secretly supported the communists during the Cold War... Ok, I didn`t. I DON`T WANT TO DO THIS.

-I`m not born in America. I`m German, my father was, and still is, a nazi. He killed thousands in the concentration camps. I kick my dog. I got HIV. I`m gay. Look, I will do whatever it takes not to run for president.

-I`ll make an amateur porn video with my dog and put it on the web. Just leave me alone!!!!!!!!

Photo http://underclassrising.net/

Soap opera star watch greek news for entertainment

Reality Greek . -They have a level of depth we never reach no matter how many episodes we make. We have done over a thousand now and there is no way we can generate that level of excitement. The drama is out of control. Nobody, not even the government, knows where this is heading. And there is no ending to the problems that are thrown at the greek people. How do they come up with this stuff? Talk about excellent writing! We must hire this people to write our shows. Damn, imagine those ratings. The whole world would be watching, says soap hunk.

Photo PPMG

WeightWatchers worry about Apple products

Software loss. -The reduction of the total pc mass is too fast, says Fatboss Baconfield at WW. -This is not healthy. You stop when you reach the norm. You don`t go beyond slim. When Jobs came out with MacBook Air we went "Wait a minute... AIR?!" Is this a plan to make the world disappear with him? And when he launched iCloud we where like "He`s not *#@% kidding". He`s going to heaven and taking us with him.

Photo macrumors.com

Al Pacino on why he use mad dictator hair color

The Hairfather. -I use it with a twist of grey. I don`t want to look like a complete bonzo. I do it for the ladies basically. Everything I do is for the ladies. Do they want to bang old granpa, no, but a stallion de luca? O yeah Yeah!!! It works. I tell you. Like movie magic, says Al with a smile.

Photo detengase