Ramadan Saves The Euro

Break even. The festival of poor saves the rich from going under. Never in history has being poor been more valuable and desirable to Europe.

-They take the heat of our neck, says the Greeks. -Yeah, they really got our back covered, says Italians.

-If it hadn`t been for the muslims there wouldn`t be anymore Europe. The continent would be split between Asia, Africa, South America and ... ... am I forgetting someone? ...  no, says the Spanish.

 Photo Guillaume Paumier

China Aims At Winning Every Medal

Goldmine. -Out factories need all the metal they can get. Gold, silver and bronze is in high demand, says the Chinese head trainer.

-We really fucking need it! If we don`t come home with at least 2000 of them we`re screwed. There isn`t another Africa to exploit. This is it. The Olympics is the last place on earth to find minerals.

 Photo Nick J Webb

Cannabis Games

Serious hash pipe
Drug Olympics. -You have to be stone to run around United Kingdom with a torch. Otherwise you would at some point said, "Wait a minute, we all got electricity?!", says Barry the drug dealer. 

-I often look at these atletes and think you must be under the influence of something. Why are you doing that? Why? When people are looking at you? You must be on some serious shit.

-Then later, when I hear they caught someone, I go I knew it.

-I think Amsterdam is the only city who will never get to host the Olympics, maybe Hamburg too, but definitely not Amster. No way. No way in hell.

Photo joncandy

Queen Elizabeth Is The Oldest Bond Babe Ever

Age before beauty. She`s even older than the franchize. Daniel Craig, the current Bond, denies all rumors she was a hag to work with. -I don`t know, we shot our stuff separately. I don`t do intimate scenes with 80 year olds. I prefer 20-40 and will stretch to the occasional 50. Not a day over. I would throw her out the helicopter too. 

Photo borg.com

Spider-Man Denied Visa To Dubai

No heroing. -We don`t want more turists thinking their Tom Cruise. We did a background search on Peter Parker and he`s  loco! It`s amazing the guy is stil alive! We don`t want him to die here and we don`t like the way he treats women. He keeps them on a leash, says UAE immigration.

-Peter Parker should take off his Spider-Man costume and use the web like the rest of us.

 Photo Joi

James Bond And The Queen Hit It Off During Rehearsal

Off the coast of Mexico before leaving to the Bahamas.
In Her Majesty's Secret Holliday Service. -Sparks where flying. They ran off to exotic location and spent the day jumping off the helicopter to luxurious resorts, says Danny Boyle.

-You know the Queen has friends all over the world. I think they practised the jump at least 500 times. Not att all necessary. It`s gravity who does the work here.

-The jump stunt was a great idea. Even if it failed it would be spectacular. Talk about a great way to go. With Prince Charles ready to step in. That would be something...

 Photo Wonderlane

The World Press Is Angry Cause The Opening Ceremony Went Well

-This is ridiculous. No casualties. I walk around London
feeling safe. I`m not even afraid of getting robbed.
Whats the point?
Game on! -We had invested so much in this going down the toilet, says the editor of The Sun, who`s name should really be The Shitster.

-We had at least expected one assassination... not even a car bomb went off. Nothing! What can we scream about!!! I got to feed my fear.., I mean kids.

Photo vernieman

Facebook Loses Face

-I know facebook is doing bad,
 but hey, what are friends for?
Mugbook. Mark Zuckerberg, the world heavyweight champion of smiling, lost his smileyboy enthusiasm when realizing he should have keept the company in his bedroom. 

-The question is not weither or not I should have gone public, it`s if I att all should have gone local to begin with. I`f I had kept this to myself I would not have to realize it was all a dream. I could have paved the road to hell with good statistics, says Mark.

-Who else can say they have 1 billion friends? I`m sure the leaders in China do, but they can`t document it as thoroughly as I can. I f*#@ got 1 billon friends!

Photo Guillaume Paumier

Great Britain plans to conquer America once the games in due

Stupidtania. -It`s been our policy since the day America claimed it`s independence. Now that the empire is finally falling we will reclame it, lie by lie, says Londons Mayor Boris Johnson.

-With interest for 250 years of mismanagement, plus failed sugar tax payments since 1764, it adds up to quite a bit.

-We can put in a bid on China for that kind of money, maybe the whole of Asia and we`re back where we belong. On top of the Island!

 Photo Vectorportal

How does he go to the loo in that thing?

-This line of work is not for metrosexual bed wetters. It`s a macho job. Especially the posing.
I have to be erect.
The bright side. -I don`t, says Batman angry. -Why do you ask? You try to make fun of me? Maybe you should put in on and try.

-I go before and after. Never in uniform. Thats breaking a silent code of honor among superheros. We don`t shit in costume. It would seriously damage our reputation.

-Can you imagine the outbreak it would cause if someone got me on camera wiping my Batman ass? It would be the end of the franchise.

-However, having said that, there has been times where I`m glad there was no cameras. And I`m not talking about splatt diarrhea or fast food stomach. I`m in a line of work where there is temptations. Women love what I do and I love to exploit that. It`s crazy, it`s like they think their gonna give birth to baby Jesus.

-I always X-ray these girls. I don`t want a bat flying out of their vagina. If it got legs - abortion. No discussion. But we never show any of this in the movies. Thats why we roll the credits. Otherwise we can forget the PG-13. It would be X-rated adult action straight to web.

-I hear people ask the question how did he become Batman and why does he do the things he does. First off, let me clear up half a century long misunderstanding. I became Bruce Wayne. I`ve been Batman all my life. People think Superman is the only all super superhero. Their wrong. I`m just so much better at hiding it. Too good. I don`t get the credit I deserve.

-The only difference between Superman and me is that Super has to involve the universe every goddamn time. He can`t make itpseudo realistic. He has to go f*%# overboard every time. It`s like he is allergic to not go out of proportions. Kryptonite by the way, thats just something he made up to get a brake every now and then. You never know when a hot lady turns up and you got to disappear for half an hour.

-Few people think about this,but it takes balls to walk into a room in a Bat costume and scare the living daylight out of people. It`s not for everyone.

 Photo marvelousRoland

Director Steven Soderbergh mistaken for homeless man at film premiere

Chinese Beard Theatre. -What the hell are you doing signing my paper?!!! yelled the fan at Sodenbergh unknowingly he directed the movie he was about to see.

At a closer look the fan thought Sodenbergh could be the beard monster - if there was any. Since he had no recollection of movies such as Nightmare on Beard St, Saw Beard Edition or the Beardrangers. He opted for shutting up.

 Photo christopherharte

Batman is not happy with James Holmes Joker

Dark times. In an interview with Gotham Nightly News Batmans talks about young white men going bananas with guns in public.

-I`ve taken a strong dislike toward thugs like James Holmes Joker. This is a warning to all borderline nutcases out there. Next time anyone of you slip into fiction and go apeshit I will cross over to reality and F*@# you up!

Batman had no further comment.

 Photo marvelousRoland

Former boss of BP, Tony Hayward, missing in huge pile of cash

-Evidence photo from scene crime technicians indicate
he is strangled by greed.
British Parachute. -He went to open his closet and a huge stream of never ending cash piled up on him. Thats the last I saw of him, says his servant Boy Boy.

-I knew he was hiding something in that closet... a parachute, fringe benefit or company jet, but I didn`t know he`s the one who ran away with all the money on Wall Street.

It makes sense when you look back. The oil spill from Deepwater Horizon was a decoy. It was staged to get everything out of Wall Street. They had to come up with something big to cover up an oil rigg in the middle of Manhattan pumping cash out of New York Stock Exchange.

The financial rescue team is sending in divers to Haywards Cayman bedroom. -We fear the worst and hope for the best. It`s the same thing actually. When you ran away with that much your kinda asking for it, says hope broker Paul English who got stuck in traffic.

Photo aresauburn™

Michael Moore is making another one of those movies about Colorado

Bowling for sequels. Yes, you have heard it before, but you obviously need to hear it again. Bowling for Columbine actually came with a message. Something in the likes of be good to each other and blah blah blah blah...

Somebody obviously didn`t pay attention. -This is the fist time we release a movie for one person. We putting up on every theatre in America to make one person see it, and now he`s going to jail, so he can`t see it, says head of filmdistribution att Samewood.

-Michaels next movie is intended for the next mass murder guy. We pretty much know he`s going to come from around here, says Head of Action at Create Problems Entertainment.

-I`ve never meet Mike, but I call him Mike since we`re so close. We`re love neighbours, says Paul. -I`ve told all my friends I`m the first name on the list, with Michael,

-I got to make these movies once a month to cater to the amount of lunatics out there.

Photo shibuya246

Obama`s inner circle gets ready to watch the Dark Knight Rises

Sleepover Office. -You damn right we are says, for one night only, the Black House Chief of Staff. -We`re gona clean the streets of Gotham like it was Wall Street or Toy Street. I`m going to smoke so much pot I will have to watch the movie again later.

-This is Batman`s third period so it`s very inspirational to us says O`s campaign coordinator who has yet to figure out a tag line. We`ll wait with that until the last minute.

-Maybe desperation, money or your life or ... then move to Europe?!

Photo marvelousRoland

Boris Johnson will much rather be the new James Earl Jones than PM

Boris Becker`s British brother. 
Swinging London. -When I saw Star Wars I knew at once I wanted to sound like Dart Vader. And that again got me interested in politics. I wanted to be able to pick up any manuscript and make it sound as cool as James Earl Jones. I`ll settle for Barry White, do all the love songs with a Boris make over, but what I really want is to be the voice over God. Earl is 81 and... Jesus Christ, who wants to be Prime minister when you can act as God?

Photo BackBoris2012

Aspiring business people read Mein Kampf for inspiration

-You have to look at what he accomplished, not the jew stuff. 
Hate capitalism. -I`m not even trying to hide it. When people ask what I`m reading I tell them Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler. I`m surprised by how many who doesn`t know who he is. The once who do shrugs off quickly and I never see them again, except for the few ballsy who thinks I should see a doctor. They come sweet as candy and recommend a psychiatrist, but the uneducated onces are more fun.

-I ask them if they have heard of World War 2. Often they haven`t, then it`s a ballride without questions. That opens for possibilities that blows even the most imaginative minds.

-Whenever I see a war veteran I always ask, Hey, have you meet this fella. I`m trying to make in the corporate world and could really need some inside info. What was he like? You should see their faces, they drop like gravity.

-I meet a young little girl once. I told her, it`s noting wrong being a bad person. If you end up dancing on my desk in 20 years you should be proud of yourself. Go tell you daddy, I bet he would agree if you where somebody else's kid.

-When the father came 2 minutes later he dropped his guard the moment he saw I was reading Mein Kampf. For a moment there I thought he would beat me up, but good old Hitler saved me one more time. Where would I be without your thoughts Hitler? Certainly not on my way to lead a multi billion dollar company.

Photo Victor1558

Chris Rock doesn`t age

-I`ve tried everything, beard, mustache, afro, intelligence,
profanity, marriage, kids, fame, aging cream. Nothing works!
Forever young. -I know I know. I`m stuck in this youthful body. Lorne Michaels is talking about re-casting me in the new bunch of kids at SNL. It`s sick, says Chris.

-I still have to show ID at white clubs. Then I tell them I`m Puff Daddy and they get all scared and shit thinking I got a gun and might shoot them.

-Let`s face it, black people are in general fitter than white people cause we still do a lot of the shit jobs where you actually got to move your ass. Eat that white colored boss. It`s healthy! And you wonder why your wife sleeps around with the black poolboy. Ahhh... Isn`t life wonderful!

Photo poopenheim

Fitness protection program

The Fatmerican Dream. -Too many has joined cause it`s to easy to get it, says Fat Fcuk Paul at EatBusters. All I needed was a pc or tv. I had both so I was overqualified. It turned out I had been a part of the program for 15 years without knowing it.

-If you got basic cable subscription, there`s no way in hell you`re gonna find your way into a gym, says agent Stupid in Food Bureau of Insanity. If you got internet, you want even leave the house. Possibly your bedroom.

-We have people on our program that we haven`t even signed on. All the wannabe Lazicans in Europe, Asia, Africa and not South or Latin America - still too much grunch. It`s hard to realize it was better than communism... - anyway, where was I...

-Fitness centres all over the world is fighting back with their own weapon: TV. It`s designed to make people not notice that their actually woking out. -So far we have fooled millions into moving their fat asses while watching tv. It`s when the commercials come on they notice the kitchen is not just around the corner for a snack. Thats when we hit them in the head with a baton.

-Then we carry them out the back door and make burgers out of them. Then we eat them to learn them a lesson. When we finally shit them out again after spending 1-2 days in our stomach they know not to go for a snack. If fact, if I hear any talk of snacktime I punch them straight down. Yeah! Try to eat with that mouth. We`ll see how well you chew without teeth. 

 Photo JohnE777

Women travel to London for the Shopping Olympics

Celebrate economy. -If you can`t beat them, buy them. Thats my motto, says Henriette from Sweden. Thats how I meet my husband. Thats how I got my kids. Thats how I got my degree. Thats how I got out of jail... Money has been a real blessing in my life. It has saved me from every problem that comes with inheriting way too much money.

Photo davidwilson1949

Goes for medals in Paralympics over 100rd place in the Olympics

Suck it! -You know how it is... I`d rather be a big fish in a retarded pool than a little fish in Ocean eleven. How can I compete with George Clooney? I can`t. Even if I beat him he gets all the chicks. Bastard. I didn`t run my whole life to go empty handed home.

 Photo Poiseon Bild & Text

-I want screentime not facetime, stupid!

Bitch Personality Disorder in action.
Constant bitch. -What makes you think I care about you?! How stupid are you? That your my boyfriend doesn`t mean I want to lissen to whatever it is your saying, says K doll.

???? ??? ????? ???

-I need you to drive around time to time, buy me shit and shut up. I need you to get access to your hot friends and I need you to not be too smart. I`m a big believer in long relationships.

-I need you to know when to back of and let the magic shine, when to stay in the parking lot and swallow it.

-I also need you to not understand I am the one who arranges the burglary of your apartment the day before I leave. It would make it unnecessary painful split up.

Photo korean doll

The Adventures of Steven Spielberg

Boy wonder. In awe of the great magic man Hollywood is remaking The Magnificent Seven with the director in all seven roles.

-He is that great. He can actually pull off doing The Magnificent Steven Spielberg by only drawing from his own movies. Put in an indian, a little shark, an alien, a few dinosaurs, some private parts, a list and a close encounter and you have the first of a whole series of hits.

Hollywood moguls are grateful Mr Spielberg didn`t make all his hits at once. -Thank God he spread them out. Imagine opening up with that line of titles. Cinema would never be the same. Whatever we had put up it would be a downer.

Other Hollywood director wish Spielberg died of cancer. -It`s not so important what he dies of, as long as he dies. He makes us look so bad. Like a bunch of nobodies, says Hollywood Joe.

-I don`t understand how he does it. It can`t be drugs. It can`t be good fortune. Nobody is that lucky. It can`t be all the parties cause he never really attended any. It can`t be the womanizing cause he doesn`t. Maybe thats it... He devoted his time to work. Fuck me, says Another Hollywood Joe.

-Why not me, says Every Hollywood Joe. I`ve sleept with every title in town. I`ve gone to every party. Mingled with every decision faker, shared magic moments with friends of important people and nearly gotten an invitation into the inner circles of Glorywood a hundred times. Why not me??? God damit, do I have to work for it too now?! What is happening to the City of Angels? Are you seriously telling me it wasn`t meant ironically? Motherfucker!!!!

Photo G155

Downloaded the western civilization on a memory stick

Fear and downloading in Las Vegas. The upbeat San Francisco journalist for Rolling Stone magazine Hunter S. Thompson, woke up to what turned out to be a major overdose before he died in 2005. Screwballing is what he called it. When you mix fucking everything with whatever you can get your hands on.

The writer, who psychically left us decades before his death, got a writers erection on discovering internet. "I managed to jam the entire western civilization into one memory stick for 60 bucks. I`m selling it for 70 in Japan right now".

When told the Japanese can download too he went back on his drug diet to erase the short memory. Two hours later he was back in shape, full of self confidence and no clue of whatsoever. -It`s how I survived the war, he says. But he never enrolled. 

Marriage Impossible - Age Protocol

-Get me the number of that hot chick on the left there.
Hot 50 list. The man who has given the world so much joy is moving on from his 3rd marriage to number one bachelor at the box office. -He receives 50.000 proposals a day. It`s like a lottery. Every 5-10 years there is a winner. A really lucky winner, says his publicist. -If you want to play, put your name in the hat. You never know. Well, you do if your old and ugly.

 Photo Surrealistic Scenes

Britain skip trying to outdo China in the Olympic opening

One Island Multiple Dreams. -We only have 5% of the resources China had available, so we had to come up with something cheaper, says Mayor of London Boris Johnson. Not that the Beijing Olympics looked cheap, but it was. They where all underpaid. We can`t do that here. We can`t have people dying to get this thing rolling.

 Photo familymwr

Hells Angels opens shop in Nam - home at last

-I got the blues in my pants, baby.
Route 81. -We do a lot of the same things we did last time we where here. We party hard, drive around like maniacs and screw women. Pretty basic, says Boner Jackson.

-We`re still in uniform, but it`s a different one. A far less violent one. There`s no arms with it. It got the wings of satan, but thats how scary it gets.

-Nobody wearing our uniform gets treated like shit by their own. Or anybody else. Thats the only exception we make to gun down anyone. We`ve had enough coming home from Nam being treated like losers. You #%* with us one more time we take you down, but not with napalm. We leave the village out of it.

 Photo Denise S.....

Sending Greece back to where they belong was a great moment

Judgement cup. -It`s one of the best feelings I`ve had in my life. They so deserved it. I`m so glad we got the honor to really kick the message in, says Germanys Bundeskanzlerin Angela Merkel. 

-If they want to participate in the Euro 2012. they have to pay the entry fee or go home. We charged the price and sent them home.

-Greece is good for alcoholics and crocks. If you have no ambition in your life, go to Greece. If you want to stay on a deserted island for the rest of your life listening to your 5 favorite albums, so be it.

-What good have Greece done since they gave us the Olympics? Nothing and thats pre-Jesus. Sometimes I think in the back of my head "The Jews??? Why the Jews Hitler?!"

Photo Hardo

He could have decided the match

In the line of hire. It`s the fifth time linesman Dick Harry get offered a large sum of money to fix the game and it`s the fifth time he pussies out.

Harry has never lived up to his name. Which is why they call him Dick Pussy.

 It`s the scary thought of facing the crowd on the way out who bothers him and the though of not being able to spend the money. -I`d rather keep my dignity, he says.

Dignity is very important to Dick. Thats why he left his wife after 20 years of marriage for a younger version. -When I realized people no longer thought of her as my trophy wife, I had to do something to reinvent my dignity. Lots of people think marrying young is about looks. Its not. It`s all status.

Like when he withdraw his proposal to Sally cause her name was Sally. -I was watching When Harry meet Sally with my friends and they all though I wanted to marry her cause she looked like Meg Ryan. What could I say? Tell them no, I did it for the diner scene?!

Dick also refused to go to Iraq even though he was too old to sign up. -The soldiers would think I went there to show off. It`s important someone stay neutral like Sweden during the first World War. Either outcome I can walk among the winners and say out loud "I knew all along!"

 Photo joncandy

Pocket Computers is the new PC

Computer pants. Levi Strauss, the co-inventor of Blue Jeans, had no idea people would stuff computers in their jeans back in 1873... or he was a f#*@ genius.

-It looks good, especially on men, it looks like they have actually have something down there. Maybe not so fun for women, but their getting slimmer and slimmer these things. Soon I guess you can put it in your hair?! says Pantsy Noob at Identity Design.

Photo VarsityLife

The new Microsoft Classic Software sells like average

Just like the 90s. -Let`s party like it`s 1999!!! Forget slow software, megabites and ram. The computers doesnt work anymore anyway. Since when could you buy software which is too awesome for your work station? This is #$% awesome!!!, says store manager and part time zoo keeper Linda Animalson.

-I don`t earn enough to support my outrageous orangutang. He brakes things for 5-6 thousand dollars a month. And then there is me... 
-I do the zoo job to make ends disappear. When I go in there I completely forget about the bills, my boyfriends, the running water in the kitchen and my angry neighbour down below.
-For every customer we have at Apps From The Past we have a shot of tequila. More and more people from Alcoholics Anonymous apply for our customer program. But I have to turn them down, otherwise we run out of tequila. You have to be drunk to do this job. Imagining business is great is hard work. Especially when the store is empty. 
-Luckily I am also the banker behind this project store, otherwise it would been a total catastrophe. Imagine how much money would go into space. Thank God I`m already financially unreliable like the rest. Otherwise this would never be possible.

Photo bytesrc

Bus keeps schedule with lifecycle

Public delivery system. -If the bus break down I can use the lifecycle to get out of there, says the driver. I could use my feet too, or call a cab, but the fact that there is not room for the passengers makes me prefer the cycle hands down. Important first, safety second.

-With this I have no problems driving on time. Knowing that I have an exit should I crash makes me ignore speed limits and everything else that keeps me from stoping on time. Traffic rules included.

-I tested it out for fun. You should have seen the faces of the passengers. It was worth the traffic jam alone. I`ve never had so much engine problems since I got that lifecycle.

-I`m even tempted to crash for real. To see the respons when I leave them there and cycled away. It`s defining moments like that which makes me feel like a bus driver.

 Photo rpaterso

Extremely large woman blocks the view on apartment building

Attack of the 50ft woman. -She`s not even fat, she`s a skinny model ??? I don`t understand how she does it, says one of the residents.

The tenant living in leg height is very happy with their view. -When I stick my head out the window all I see is up her skirt, says Phil who rather want the billboard to stay.

-It`s not me who`s complaining. I haven`t had such an awesome view since the 30s. It reminds me of my young days, pussy everywhere.

3 residents has died of heart attack since the woman appeared in their life. All found staring at her with their pants down.

The billboard agency announced that the deceased had been stalker of the model in real life and when they received a request to put up a large scale advertisement outside their building... knowing their age - they did it.

Photo twicepix