Academy award loosing actor Brad Pitt bought Oscar statues at auction

Moneywood. The 3 times Oscar nominee bought all 15 of the statues on sale. -This will show them, now I`m a 15 times Oscar winner, says Brad Pitt.

The star shows little concern about not being a real winner. -Hey, it`s all fake anyway. Whoever got the money wins. The game is rigged. This time I just happened to outsmart them. I saw an opportunity nobody else saw. Haven`t you seen Moneyball?

Photo GabboT

World bankers well underway with planning the next financial crisis

Financialcalypse. -We actually got the next three finance crises mapped out. Our Disaster Development department is currently working on making the first wold collapse. A prototype was built for the Elite Economic Forum in Davos, but in the last minute we chose not to display it. It would remove all hope. We need the economy to work again to use these creepy "tools", says Head of Destruction at Wold Money.

Photo Just a Prairie Boy

Putin turns the military parade on Red Square into a carneval

-As of today it is illegal to refer to our nation as Mother
Russia, from now the correct phrase is Hot Russia, says Put.

Pink Square. If you can`t beat them then join them, says Putin in a rather desperate attempt to win his people`s approval. Not that he needs it to win the election, but you know, for himself.

-It`s two sides of the same coin. What we say with our military display is don`t  #@& with us. What Brazilians says with their Carnival is come #@& with us, says Put.

-It turns out to be more staying power in the latter. Since I`m here for the long run I look at it as a necessary adjustment to avoid Gadaffication.

Photo JorgeBRAZIL

Harvey Weinstein has won so many Oscars he lost count

Designated winner. -I think its 20 something, but if you ask me tomorrow it might be 30 plus. I don`t know anymore, says Harvey The Fortune Teller.

-In the spirit of good and evil I`m founding a Oscar Aid program to help loosing artists. You know, to rub it in, in the right way.

-I might even host my own Oscar show at some point and give the awards to myself. Why go through all the drama? Everybody knows my movies win. Ugh!

Photo david_shankbone

CIA collects fingerprints through touchscreens

Touch down. -Yes, we do and we got nearly the whole world now. The rest we`re getting via satellite cameras, says secret Joe.

-Its how we got bin Laden. He was known to play basketball in his backyard so we developed a ball who captured fingerprints and sent them to Langley. But he lost interest in the game when NBA got boring. He would have adored Jeremy Lin... 

-Anyway, we transformed the finger technology to touch mode and went to Apple. We couldn`t launch it ourself. Bin Laden would smell that. Steve Jobs loved the idea and incorporated it in the iPad. He did us a huge favor covering it up and taking the credit. 

-Bin Laden let himself be fooled. 2nd day on sale he bought the gismo and gave us his exact location. Few people know this, but the first iPad actually had a camera. We got days of footage where he jerking off. Our surveillance team where shocked by how smal his penis was. Such a big man... It looked like a clit. Now we know why he become a terrorist. He was compensating for his malegina.

Photo liewcf

Africans miss blaming white people

McVictim. -It was easier to get away with stuff after we took over cause we could blame the white man. That worked pretty well for about 40 years. What we need now is another excuse who can take us through the next 40, says Mugabe to Total Times.

-I think thats why so many African leaders make deals with the Chinese. At one point their going to say screw this and use it as an excuse to take the gravy. The brilliance with blaming China is that its an excellent homerun with the whites.

-It takes the steam of their slavedays and even though they know it`s bullshit, they`ll buy it cause it sounds too good. And we don`t have to lissen to the democracy crap cause they treat their own like dogs too. It still dazzles me...

Photo Tech. Sgt. Jeremy Lock (USAF)

Freedom of silence

No talking. You have the right to not lissen. You have the right to not pay attention. To drift away like Cinderella in eternal dreamland. You have the right to not have an opinion or even care.

-It`s why we vote. To avoid the talking chaos, we select a politician to do this for us. Since they aren`t able to do this in a professional manner I suggest we introduce talking quotas.

-They can`t seriously except us to pay attention to all this crap. It`s too much. Their shitting out of their mouths! It`s a constant diarrhea. Like mad mouth disease spreading through the airwaves, says Bill O` Rights.

-My kids got ear infections during the last presidential race so we are leaving the country this time. No way in hell their going thought that again. They have a life to focus on.

Photo Victor1558

International House of Eggnog opens 6 thousand nogbars across America

Fatdrinks. -Basically it`s the same as Starbucks, only more honest.  It has the same crazy amount of calories, but to top it we add liquor.

-Honest to God, who needs to sweeten up coffee? It`s not a throat killer like whiskey. Seriously. You want a sugar bomb, get eggnog, it`s bad for you, says iHoe CEO Burp Lancaster.

-After we have killed whats left of people in USA and Canada we will invade the rest of the world and murder everybody. Thats our business plan.

-In 2020 the population on earth will be down to 300.000 people - all working at the International House of Eggnog. In order to grow as a business we`ll launch operation necrobusiness.

-We will be the greatest company ever. Too bad no one will be around to see its peak.

Photo vintagedept

The Former President of Iran speaks out about his fear of the Iranian people

-In addition to mad dictator hair color I
use a wig. 

Truth bomb. -I can`t sleep at night. I have daymares. I go to secret therapy, but I`m still scared. Look at what happened to Muammar Gaddafi. Imagine what they`ll do to me, says Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

-I get psoriasis just thinking about it. My secret head doctor put me on  antidepressant, ironically made in USA, it helps, but I feel indifferent. Now you know why I`m always smiling like I don`t know whats going on.

-The funny part is when I opened up to my shrink and told her how we run this country she wanted me to take stronger pills immediately. So I had to remove her with a more understanding doctor. Can`t have people like that have power over others.

Photo Parmida76

Whitney Houstons drug dealer shocked to hear she was Whitney Houston

The drug dealer refused to be photographed
-It`s not good for my business at this point. 

Lovedose. -First I thought the world was going mad. She`s just a junkie. It happens all the time. Then I realized nobody could pull of a global prank like that, says Cokehead.

-I had no idea she could sing. There was no signs of it. When she called, I used to say it`s the lady who claims to be the Whitney Houston. God, I got all her records at home. I should have asked for her autograph.

-Once I confronted her "Sing me a tune" and she did and I went "sounds nothing like her, give me my money!"... Oh my God. I`ve been so rude.

The drug dealer confirms to Druggies Magazine that he will not learn anything from this incident and keep on selling his shit until he suffer the same fate.

Photo vincentbernier_art

David Beckham`s secret life as a gay fashion designer

-I want to be nude when I take
 these photos, but the photo-
graphers stop me, says Beck.

Godham. In an interview with Bend Over Magazine, the iconic poster boy reveals he always wanted to be a gay fashion designer. -Even as a child I was drawn to cheap fabric made in third world countries. When other kids played with toy cars I would dress up in my dads underwear and pose half naked in front of the mirror.

So why didn`t this career take off until now? -I discovered by accident that I was really good with balls. I think it was in first grade. Some bully in school threw a ball at me and I kicked it right back and knocked out his teeth. I immediately though, "I got something here, maybe I can use this to launch my gay fashion career". Manchester United, Real Madrid, Los Angeles Galaxy... it was only a launching pad for my grand ego.

-After practice I would always go back home and sew cloths all night, try out new fragrances and work on my posing. So it feels good buying ad space all over the world and show everyone: "Hey, look at me, this is who I really am. A maleaphrodite".

Photo hapinachu

Introducing world politicfree day

Trees have lived on earth for millions of years, if they needed

   words to survive, they would have developed it by now.

Silent beauty. The World Health Organisation is taking new actions to fight brain tumor, psychosis and other mind related diseases. Starting today, world media is by international law, obligated to shut up for 24 hours once a year.

-Politicians are polluting our mental environment with toxic talk. Hopefully this will give us the opportunity to connect with our own thoughts, says head of Serious Shit at WHO.

-Their letting out too many words in the mediasphere and it`s affecting the temperature between people. Human warming is expected to raise 2 degrees Celsius in the next 100 years unless we do something about it.

-If we don`t we`ll all get fever and die. We figured out having a politic free day would be enough for people to empty their heads and clarify whats really the problem: it`s the people who speak about the problems.

Photo C-Trick

Mexicans use drugs to fight fear in the war on drugs

Mexican army prepares for a random monster drive by.

Elcocaino. It might look like a remake of world war 2 movie, shoot in Mexico to cut the costs, but no. Anywhere, anytime, real war scenes take place.

Swedish Intelligence strongly advice tourist to take drugs at all times. -If they can fire machine guns in public, then you can use drugs in public, says Soft Intelligence Officer Blondie Hawk.

-It`s better this way, when you come home you`ll think it was a bad dream and you don`t have to do therapy, write a book or go on a speaking tour lecturing about it for the rest of your life.

-The war on drugs will make you more paranoid than drugs even can. You`ll be so afraid of getting killed you`ll end up taking the damn shit to calm your nerves. I never thought I`d say this as a safety Inspector, but yes, if your going to Mexico, use drugs, it`s for your own protection and try it out a few times before you go so you know the feeling. 

Rifle for hire ready to blow your brains out. 

Photos Claudio Andres

The founding fathers of Lego

Legoman and his personality free team of coworkers getting
ready for Chinaland. 

Zodiacgeist. When Lego entered the Chinese market, they where really happy about the skin tone of their figures. The poor carpenter from Denmark who invented the toys where way ahead of his time. Nicknamed Danish Jesus, he understood the importance of establishing a yellowish look early on, if they ever where to enter the hottest market in the world.

He saw the Iraq war too. Liquid butter, microwaves, he foresaw it all. By his predictions muslims and jews will be friends when they both realize none of them eat pork. He also told us that white people will stop taking solarium and colored people will stop avoiding the sun, both to take yellowarium.

Guys are going to squint their eyes to impress the ladies. Eat rice and wear dumb straw hats while they bike to work. Future antique fairs will be filled with things made in China and Sotheby's will auction anything from the Chinese dysfunctionalism. But first the remaining stockholders of Lego will become the richest people ever to walk the earth.

Photo mac_filko

Ellen Degeneres first gay president in the USA

The Pink Party also known as the Pink Panther movement.

Ellen Ageless. After winning the homosecual primaries in JC Penney, Ellen Degeneres and her supergay pack is leading the way to the White House.

-The first black president was cool, therefor I think the first female president should also be cool and what`s hotter than gay? says Ellen.

Her opponent, the homofobic organisation One Million Moms, must have forgotten that the other 130 million moms in America may have a different view on lesbianism. -Just because they don`t lick, it doesn`t mean they don`t understand. God, look at the men out there. I`m sure at some point every woman has wished she was lesbian.

-How on earth can you question what I like, when you like guys like that?

WMA spoke to some men in the audience after the debate, -We totally understand why she digs women. We couldn`t agree more. That`s a no brainer.  Even Fox News host Bill O’Reilly get it. It`s her queer given right.

Photo Woan

Sent stimulus package to the people

Multibillionaire, businessman and
 analtropist Rick Santorum.

Government bondage. -Why should only the banks get it? Why should they have all the fun? says Rick Santorum.

Over 250 million stimulus packages was sent out to every household in American today. -At least half get something out of it, plus the additional 10 % who we all know are there somewhere.

Weirdly Santorum does not have second thoughts about sending 250 million dildos in the mail. Not even when it comes to children?

-They don`t care about the finance crisis. I grew up during the Vietnam War and I married Thai twice. See, their not paying attention.

-Besides, there are probably plenty of old stimulus packages lying around already. Not to speak about stimulus magazines. It`s nothing they havent sneaked down in the basement and seen before.

-We`re going global on this and shipping 10 million packages to Greece next Friday. Then Italy is up next. It a great deal. It releases stress, builds up tension who excess in pleasure. What better way to get the economy going than the pursuit of happiness. It`s gonna come. I`m telling you.

Photo BJ Carter

7 billion point of views and no one really keen to lissen

Deaf ear microphone.

Deaf Jam. -It`s hopeless, says speaker in World Attention. If you go back 20-30 years people had the decency to shut up and atleast pretend they where listening. Now they speak in my mouth like I`m some baby who needs to be fed.

-Therefore I don`t speak at lectures anymore. I shut up and let the audience do the talking and nobody seems to care. The less I say the more well received are my speeches. The Mute Society awarded me with a silencer. I didn`t even say thank you and it brought the house down. Speaking of not listening. I`m doing a silent interview with Quiet Magazine. I would love if nobody read it.

-I could need an ignorant person now. Can I lend your deaf ear  for half an hour? I`m just going to lissen to some music... ... ... hello ... ... ... anybody there? ... ... ... ... no, good!

Photo Mustafa Khayat

Arrogant prick thinks he can save the world

Grand Jerk Auto. -The world is coming to and end in multiple ways and I`m the only one who can save it, but I`m not going to do it, says Paul Anderson, a 23 year old "man" from Connecticut who just grew his first beard.

-I`m an American, so right there I`m over qualified. Plus I went to school so wow! And I got a driving license... yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!

-I`m waiting for an invitation to join the SAS, NSA, FBI, CIA, or BLA BLA BLA any time now. They`ll probably burst through the roof "we need you now!".

-I`ll tell them "Can`t you see I`m in the middle of a porno movie? God damn, where are your manners?" Then I`ll continue jerking off and tell them "I`ll be back to you when I`m done".

-The next 30 minutes will probably be very uncomfortable for them. Then the next 2 hours it gets weird. After another 6 hours of them standing there watching me I will ask them "can you guys come back tomorrow... make that next week".

Photo Jon Haynes Photography

God consider to redesign earth

Transparent suggestion to get rid of evil.

Planet update. -It sounds like a joke, but it started lika a joke. The angels discussed the consequences of humans flaws on the environment and what they could do to save it when one angry bastard yelled out, I think it was Hitler, why don`t you kill them. Which was not a dumb suggestion, says God to Sky News.

-We thought about it for a few years and the idea grew on us. The bastard had a point. Maybe we where wrong all along. So we decided to have a design competition in case anybody had a better idea. After all, I only spend 6 working days creating the world. I was young and had no experience being a God. If I knew then what I know now, I would have spend a little more than 144 hours on something who`s intended to last 10 billion years.

-There is nothing to worry about. It doesn`t take more than 5 minutes and you want even notice it. The upgrade will run in the background while your bussy doing whatever it is that you do down there. I hear the males complain about not understanding the females. At least they understand themselves, I don`t undertand any of you.

-By the way, Jesus never came down as a human you arrogant pricks, he came down as a pig and you f@#* ate him!

-While I got your attention, you got the world expo all wrong. The idea was to showcase earth in space, not nations on earth. Can`t you ever get anything right? How can we solve the population issue if you never pay attention?

Photo tuppus

The Super Bowl ball look forward to one year off

Taking a rest in the sun.

National Football Hero. -After the final I had a Danny Glover moment, seriously, I`m getting too old for this shit. I need a break. Now. A long one.

-I`m thinking about spending some time in The Bahamas. They really suck at American football there. If worse come to worse I can always go to Europe...

-The players always whine about injuries. Man... I don`t even wear protection and get kicked around like a bitch. Selfish bastards. Next time I`ll show up with a cannonball inside me and we`ll see who`s the bitch then.

Photo RonAlmog

Kid Rock confess he`s an adult

Adult star. The rock star came out of the closet at the Rally to Restore Sanity concert last year. He admits it was too absurd pretending to be a child at such an event.

-I guess the people me around always knew. They weren`t exactly shocked when I dropped the bomb backstage. They where more like "here we go again".

-Even Jesus grew up. I owe it to my fans and all the women I frequently sleep with. They don`t deserve to be called child molesters.

-Life is so difficult now. I have to get people to get people to do my taxes for me. Before I had people who did that. I have no excuse for not taking the driving license or wipe my own butt. I have to learn to not take responsibility and act like a total kid. When I was that came naturally. I didn`t have to think it through or plan my bad behavior.

-The Pyrotechnician knew. Either that or he really hated me, says Adult Rock. 

-Life as an adult rockstar really gets to you. I don`t have the same energy for parties and hotelroom smashing. I have to go to the gym to handle it. Being a rockstar is a young child`s game.

Photo cliff1066/ceedub13

Being white in Zimbabwe

White Africa. -They always think I own a lot of slaves and that if they treat me bad someone will come and kill them. Therefor I always get treated like a king. I get the best food when there is food and I get the only food when there is no food.

-The tribal leaders let me sleep with their daughters. We take urban drugs and they give me presents. So I avoiding telling them I`m a backpacker from Ohio.

-Right now my plan is to never go back. Being an unemployed American in Zimbabwe kicks ass! The only regret I have is not leaving earlier and that I tok an education. If I only knew I could at least dropped out of Uni.

Photo whatleydude

Child sentenced to prison for parent abuse

Father of a bitch. The 3 year old was notoriously taking advantage of his parents and creating mayhem.

The felonies he was convicted for include selling his parents furniture, crash their car on the highway, wake them up in the middle of the night with a gun, set off a fake fire alarm and flood their house. Make a viral sex video of his parents. And spend 2 billion dollars in stolen drug money.

The judge concluded that the kid has done enough damage for a lifetime and doesn`t stand a chance in hell to make up for himself. Therefor he saw no other option than death row.

Photo Tjook

Teen actually think a 5 $ deo will get him laid

Smartsmell. -Smell the inner of my wrist. I put some there too to multiply my chances.

-I make sure not to change my cologne with the bathroom air freshener. I don`t want my girlfriend humping the toilet seat.

Photo rileyroxx

Fidel Castro got cigar cancer

Cuban cigar crisis. -I should have been a soap opera star. Look at my eyes. I look like Bambi. No tv viewer in the world can resist my Fidel look, reveals Fidel Castro among other things in his 6 million page biography Castrocubana.


Photo "Carolonline"

Third world countries agree to lend Europe fantasy money

Ununited nations. The Head of United Tribes Security Council had the following message to the world:

-We can not let the white people go bankrupt. Then we all know whats coming for us. They`ll bomb us to peaces. We have to make sure they stay rich. It`s the only way to secure our peace.

-We have never invaded Europe, but boy have they made their mark here. The best way to keep these angry humans away is to lend an endless supply of  goodies and make sure they never pay it back. One day they will come and take it anyway.

Photo Marc Veraart

The Louvre exhibits flat screen paintings

Flat chested Mona Lisa. -It`s not 3D, we can`t tell if they where big or not. But that is the big mystery who has keept the interest up for so long, says the French museum exhibitonist.

Today everybody wonder who they belong to, nobody bothered about that before. Individuality changed everything. You can`t look at a woman and say great knockers today, you got to ask what`s your name?

Photo  jyuen1314

6.9 billion did not watch Super Bowl

Super Joke. Thats kinda disappointing when you think about it. Especially when 125 million people tuned in to the Eurovision Song Contest and thats some outdated American Idol shiit.

It`s when you realize 2.8 billion people watched the World Cup final it`s just a turkey show.

astrolame

Plumber announce he supports candidate

Rat PAC. -I tend to forget voting on election day. Usually there`s a really good movie on and it`s like damn, it`s 23.00 already...?  it`s too late... says Joe the plumber.

-But nobody sees what I vote in the booth, so I feel it`s not that important anymore. What matters now is what I tell people.

-When I say I support a candidate, people understand that although he is among the smartest individuals in our country, he can identify with stupid people like me and the everyday problems I got like this pipe is too f*@# short or stay away from my wife knucklehead.

-It`s important that our leader can do that cause our country is full of airheads. We need a guy that can dumb down, who can see the smal lines in the big picture who leads nowhere.

-I can`t remember his name right now, but I support him... or was it her? Whatever.

Photo ronnie44052

New cars perfect for disabled people

Lazyrider. -It`s like their built for us. Normal people must imitate us on a grand scale. Either that or its popular to be disabled for a few hours every day. I don`t know, but the moment they step out of the car they seem to be over it, says wheelchair user Lisa Armstrong.

Photo charlesdyer