Why the hell did I sign up for this?

Earthsick. -I got 4 more days to fix this shit and Houston`s telling me their calling off the press conference now?! What the f@#k???!!!

-I`ve spent my whole life working up to this moment. This was suppose to be my 15 minutes of glory and their telling me nobody cares?!!!! Boy am I gonna sabotage this satellite.

-If I`d known I would`ve smoked crack in pre-school. It could have keep me from wasting my life being number one in f@#king everything. Why the hell go this long detour via Nasa to get love and affection when I could have gone straight into porn?

-I`m only doing it for the fame anyway. Who the hell wants to spend time in space if nobody will never hear about? Honestly, do you think I care about space? I care about the pussy I`ll get when I return to earth. If you believe you`ll get 72 virgins in heaven, believe again. There`s no pussy in space. There`s no ladies waiting for you here. I mean, the day I get laid in space... f@#k fame.

Photo NASA Goddard Photo and Video

Impersonal trainer

I care about me. -I don`t give a shit whether you get in shape or not. I don`t care if you`re late and I couldn`t care less if you don`t show up at all... as long as I get my money. I can give you a smile for 10 dollars extra an hour. I can make you think I like you, but that will cost you your marriage.

-If it hadn`t been for the money I would never spent time with you. God, if you only knew how tired I am off jerks like you... If you still want to do this. If you still want to pay someone else to make you move your ass. Someone who`ll never sleep with you. Someone who donesn`t give a shit about who you are, how you feel or how your doing. If thats the case, then I`m just what your looking for. Come forget me.

Photo DrJimiGlide

WikiLeaks Enquirer

Hot gossip special! Who`s f@#king who in The world of diplomats, spies and whatever it is we`re fighting for?

-I`ll tell ya. The French are bed with Germany and the rest of Europe. The Germans want the bed for themselves but the Greeks won`t get out of it.

-The Americans are sleeping with the enemy, Russia is having a threesome with Iran and the West while Brazil wants a divorce from the States and make it on their own.

-United Kingdom is jealous cause their not on top anymore and Afghanistan and Iraq is tired of lying underneath. Japan is getting it off with South Korea, Taiwan and whoever they can find, North Korea is screwing themselves and China is f@#king everyone.

Photo Appfrica

After I stopped drinking coffee...

Don`t do it, just don`t. -The nightmare began at the doctors office. I had coffee beans in my urine and he told me I drank to much coffee. He gave me an ultimatum, either you quit now or you`ll look like me in 5 years. The doctor looked like shit so I took his words for it. Little did I know he suffered from triple AIDS, diarrhea and just about every other disease you can catch in a doctors office.., motherf@#ker!

-The first day without coffee was brutal. I used to drink 16 cups a day. I was shaking like a druggie. And I couldn`t walk straight so I got that junkie knee happening. First thing my boss said when he saw me out in the park with a paper bag was "You motherf@#ker!". Then he knee-kicked my crotch and yelled "You`re fired, you f@#king alcoholic! I don`t want any of you f@#ks in my company". I tried to tell him it`s the caffeine abstinences, but then he just kicked me in the face twice. Now I had to go to the dentist. Cost me 5 grand to remove his boots from my throat!

-When I told girlfriend at the time about "leaving work" she stole my car and dumped me over the internet. Turned out she was a designer too and used me as a stepping stone into the business. I never really managed to explain how my car got stolen to my wife cause she received emails with me having sex in the trunk, in the back seat, on the bonnet... just about anywhere. So she walked out on me too and took the house with her. Never marry a lawyer, I tell you that.

-The second day without coffee the real troubles set in. I couldn`t get up in the morning. You might think that it`s ok cause I had nothing to get up to, but it wasn`t like that. I literary could not wake up. Without the caffeine rush I fell asleep again. No matter how hard I tried I could not get it up. Not even my little Steven.

-At midday I finally managed to pull myself out of bed. Then I saw the Moccamaster. My legs started shaking. My mouth drained. I couldn`t fight my urge anymore. The coffee won. I had 25 cups. High as a f@#k I ran back to the office and yelled at my boss "give me back my f@#king job or I`ll f@#king kill ya". Being the pussy he was he gave me, not only my old job back, but a raise too. I meet up with my ex-wife and told her too keep the divorce cause I`m changing her for a younger one and I tracked down my previous lover and shagged her brains out before I dumped her and showed the pictures every design company in town with the tittle "Designer bitch wants work. Does anything. Even you!"

-If there is any lesson to be learned her... don`t quit coffee.

Photo bradleygee / stringbot

Revealed Victoria's Secret

It`s all over. -Everybody knows now. It`s the belly button. How could she?!

The Victoria people has denied the truth ever since Doutzen Kroes flashed the secret on the 2009 runaway fashion show. -We can`t take the pressure anymore. People ask us from everywhere "Is it the belly button?", "Is it the belly button?". Men call us in the middle of the night. Reporters camp outside our houses. One journalist was hiding under my bed!

-We`re gonna fuck her up in court. Ruin her career. We`ll do anything to repair our ego. We`ve asked for a meeting with the defence minister, but he didn`t take us seriously. So we`re gonna fuck him up too. Nobody screws with Victoria`s Secret. It`s the best keep secret in the world.

Believe it or not, the disclosure hasn`t hurt sales. -Which is why we haven`t killed her yet. Actually, numbers are up since she took off her bathrobe. The marketing department analyzed the situation to find out why. Their conclusion is that you could also see her inner thighs, belly & cleavage.

-We have no idea where to take it from here. Some has suggested changing the name to Victoria`s Belly Button. Our marketing department suggested Victoria`s Pussy, but we`ll probably settle on Victoria.

-We`re just so f@#king angry we`re not capable of thinking straight. Therefore no one is allowed close to the models except for Doutzen Kroes. We don`t want to turn our business into Victoria`s Funeral, but we make an exception for her. I think our reputation can take one "accident". We`ll cover it up as a drug overdose or something... it`s the fashion world! Now, thats a secret for ya.

Photo Steal Their Style / Smath.

-I`m the best

Male logistics. -I`m f@#king awesome! I`m the best awesome ever!!! I`m great and I don`t like to put myself down. Why should I?! Which is why I f@#king hate it when someone talks to me about not me. I can understand they talk behind my back. Their jealous. But how dare they change the subject when I leave. It`s repulsive. It`s not their fault I`m the selected one. That I´m a f@#king genius. Why can`t they just obey?! I`m their king. It`s obvious to everyone. I don`t see the problem... I have to punish them.

Photo !unite

-It's his fault

Female logistics. -I crashed my husbands car into a firetruck this morning. It`s his car so it`s his fault. How the f@#k could I know there was a firetruck in the middle of the road. I didn`t see any fires?! And why the f@#k did he borrow me the car?! He knows I can`t drive. He`s lucky I`m not suing him for lending it to me.

Photo magerleagues

The fat f@#k on the left

Sado Korea. CIA, NSA, MI6 and several other intelligence agencies have tried to find out what goes on inside the head of North Korea`s appointed leader. Here is their results:

 -I like to blow it, blow it. I like to blow it, blow it. I like to blow it, blow it. I like to... BLOW IT!!!

Photo Palu

Fart plug 2000

Don`t go there. Ever been to a dinner party with the stomach full of gas? Remember those embarrassing moments where the other guests lean it and whisper "smells like flowers...". Well.., now it can actually smell like flowers! Forget all those awkward moments in elevators or other confined spaces where you have to go, but squeeze it back in. With the new fart plug 2000 you can let it out like a fresh breath of air and have the hunks at work ask "Chanel"?

Photo Stan Spanker

Cash - still a great idea

After hours. -I prefer cash when I buy drugs. Same with adult stuff or excessive alcohol abuse. I don`t want that all over my bank statement. Better if my wife don`t know about that side of me. As long as I can keep it up:) I mean, how do you tip a stripper with credit card?

Photo AMagill

Self-growing dishes

Where`s the sink? Dirty dishes growing all by itself is becoming a major problem in share kitchens. Particularly in buildings with a lot of men under 30.

-I cleaned up everything this morning and after 2 hours it came back and it keeps growing. I don`t know what to do. I called the Ghostbusters, but they hanged up and said "-It`s a f@#king movie, stupid".  If I don`t clean it again its gonna be up to the roof.

-I get a lot of looks from my neighbors like "What the f@#k are you doing?!", "Are you on drugs?", "You`re putting shame on the whole neighborhood" or "Jew!".

-Some fathers tell their kids not to come close to me cause I´m a bad role model. They don`t mind me sleeping with their wifes while their working, but they mind the f@#knig dishes?!

-One neighbour moved out cause he could`t take the smell anymore. -If I knew there was a nuclear power plant close by I would have stayed in Chechnya. I tried to explain to him it`s not nuclear waste, its my dishes. Then goes -Ahh, it`s all rubbish, everytime. You can`t argue with that. 

-I don`t even know which room is which anymore. It grew so big I gave up looking for my bedroom and went to sleep on the floor. At first I couldn`t even find the right floor or the floor. Then thanks to gravity I found one of them.

-The dirty dishes moved last week. It f@#king moved! I shat in my pants. Shit! Now I gotta clean those too. 

-It happened just after my friend came over with some methamphetamine, about 20 minutes later... Maybe I shouldn`t eat that anymore...

Photo bandita

Internet porn vacation

Home alone. -First thing I`m gonna do is drop my pants, then I`ll go online for 40 hours non stop. It`ll be the longest internetcourse since forever. I can`t wait to leave work. My wife and kids, all gone for the weekend. It`s a dream come true. God, these computers are lifesaver.

Photo Ed Yourdon

iPad Nano - hardcover delivered online

No f@#king way! -Yes way! And you better watch your head so the book doesn`t hit you in the face. There is comes! See how it materializes?! With the WiFi you get instant delivery. Preliminary it`s only available for goods smaller then the screen, we have to get it through it too. It can be as long as you wish. A fishing rod is no problem. However, we`re working on a shrinking technology which can resemble back to 1/1 on the iPad.

-It`s the nano microwave layer technology who builds the product back into reality after receiving the electric version. It has been tested on pets too with great results, but there`s no return buttons so the pets got lost. A lot of children cried.

-Humans will be able to use it for traveling in the near future. You can send your garbage straight to the landfill. You can get rid off your ex or ship grandma to the moon and you don`t have to worry about anything really. It can print money. Travel in time. Ups... where the F*#K am I???!!! HELP!!!!!!

Photo Sergio Palma Hidalgo

-I´ve seen it all

World weary. -There`s nothing more to see. 25 years in front of this box and that`s it. I`ve done it all. My parents always told me to walk outside, but I`m not big on reruns.

-Only problem now is that I got 60 years left to live and nothing to fill it with. Nothing that I haven`t passively done before. Maybe thats what people mean when they say they have lived before. They just saw it on tv and forgot about it. Well, I`ve f@#king seen everything man, and I`m pissed off at the tv channels. I should sue them for taking my life away from me. I want experience it myself!!! But it`s too late now. 

-When I think about the advertising dollars, that it was just for the money. It makes me @*#$ %@#@ ##@#&%>?#§...

-The only thing that could possibly make me wanna get out of this house is the thought of suing the networks. I get chills on my skin just thinking about it. I makes me feel alive. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I got a purpose beside swallowing entertainment?! I`m gonna do this!!! Damn, I`ve forgot how to se my body. Can anybody help me? Someone?!

Photo SFB579

Fool language

Word manipulation. Politicians do it all the time. Powerful people too. Anybody who benefits from fooling the receiving part does. Not telling the truth is not lying. Leaving something out is not lying. No telling is not lying either. There are countless ways around the truth. Only a fool would by it if he had the whole picture, but he doesn`t and thats why he buys it.

Fool language is way worse than foul language. Foul language is, atleast honest. It speaks up where the other shuts up. It tells the horrible truth. It neither want, try or make you oblivious. It prevents you from taking wrong decitions and it speaks from the bottom of your heart. Loud and clear. Not to be mistaken by anyone. Not least the receiver.

Photo Chuck “Caveman” Coker

Personal transport

One man train.   -I got tired of being squeezed together with people I don`t know. So I said, f@#k this and bought my own wagon. Now I can sit comfortable, relax and listen to radio on the speaker system. 

-I`ve developed a different persona after I began commuting with individual transport. I tell people to go f@3k themselves all the time now. I newer had the guts to that on the subway, but now, in the comfort of my own personality, I do it all the time - even to people who don`t deserve it. I installed a f@#k meter. Apparently I say it 68 times an hour. F@#k. 

-I have room for 5 people, but I don`t take passengers. This is for me only. 65 years on the public road has turned me into quite a human hater. I take pride in giving the finger to people yelling taxi on the sidewalk. "I`m busy. I drive me. Get your own f@#king vehicle!".   

-But theres something with New York that makes me wanna crash the car. Drive into a jewelry store. Maybe I`ve seen to many movies... I love Die Hard in New York. That car chase. Thats how I`m gonna go. One last motherf@#ker. 

-I like violence

It`s why I joined the force. -I get a kick out of hitting people. The baton is my favorite. It makes so much noise and its so uneffective you can go on forever compared to a gun. I don`t like firearms.  It`s over to quickly.

What I like with this job is that I get paid for  something I otherwise would have been thrown in jail for.

Photo Kashklick

Chemistry students get free entrance at rave parites

The girls got to pay. -Nobody comes here for the babes nor the music, they come to distort their brains inside out. Honestly, who wants to listen to this shit without substitute?! We had problems getting the goods lately so we figured out, why not go to the source?

-The chemistry students seems to enjoy being the centre of attention happily aware we`re just using them and so are the women. It`s a win win win situation.

Photo kadluba

Tired of saying hi to customers

Fake talk. -It`s not that I don`t care, I`m just not interested. After two weeks in this low paid shit job I stopped. What are they gonna do? Replace me with a college graduate? Now I only greet the hot onces I fantasize about and those who are nice and deserve my attention. I tell smelly men to take a shower and those who talk on the phone to shut up. If my boss has anything against that he can either shut it or raise my pay. I got standards baby.

Photo  iMorpheus

-I forgot my kids in Belgium

I`ve never enjoyed being a moron more. -I can be me! I can watch tv, read the paper, shag my husband, drink coffee with the girls - I can do it all. I`m free!

-I accidently told my parents I had to go back to the office in Berlin cause of an emergency. I mean what could I say? That I was so hangover I simply forgot. Or that I screwed their next door neighbor and couldn`t get him out of my head? That I wish I newer had them? they bought it and I used the opportunity to say I can`t make it back untill next week which is completly bullshit.

-Now I`m partying like a wild animal again. Hope I don`t get pregnant. I can always fool my husband to make him believe it`s his, but my reputation can`t afford another late "abortion".

Photo Cliff Beckwith

People are still bad

No change. Unfortunately it is the same human beings on the planet after Obama won and most of them haven`t changed at all - their still assholes. Once an asshole, always an asshole. Thats why God gave us an asshole, to remind us that we`re all assholes.

Photo Gilberto Viciedo

Pot house

Not only did they not do anything, they didn`t even try. -After we bought the house we said, yeah, lets turn this into a really cool place and then we just sat down.

-Bill got up first after tow days and suggested we should do something, the it went quiet. Like dead silence. It was Paul who broke the silence cause he had to fart. Then we all got the munches.

-I found a vacuum cleaner in the basement and started to clean about the time I realized it would make an awesome pipe. Paul got jealous when I passed the vacuum cleaner around the table and used and the fireplace pipe instead.

-We had to trow out the furniture to make space for the empty pizza boxes. It was either that or tidy. I actually went outside the house and stole washing liquid from the store. I don`t know why I forgot to pay. The cashier was there and everything. I just didn`t think of it....

-We sat down and watched the green liquid for hours and then, after the fourth joint, it moved! We all freaked out. I called the police and said we have a washing detergent running around inside the house. They came right away, but kept looking for some brown shit and I said no, it`s an alien washing liquid! I got their attention then cause we all had to go to the station. I think they sealed the house, evacuated the area and called Men in Black for backup.

-At least we turned off the fire alarm. It`s something,...right?! Imagine in 50 years from now I can sit down with my grandchildren and tell them that I did something, something to be real proud of, I stopped 500 fire emergency responses.

Photo greenkozi

Fast training

Exercise, eat & rest - all in one. The new multi gym offer workouts for people who don`t really have time to work out. Going to the gym quickly takes up to three hours when you include changing clothes, going there, showering and going home afterwords.

 -We got these new machines where you can do it all simultaneously. We even offer advanced memberships for those who want to give birth at the same time. Repair their car or take their kids to practice. How do you do that? I have no fucking idea, but it sounds good, doesn`t it? In addition we got a pay per visit arrangement for suicidals who realize it`s really too late to do anything. There`s no point signing those for a monthly payment... Then they`ll never do it and just hang around. We like it quick.

We have a wedding workout, get it all over with in 60 minutes - priest included. We have divorce work outs. Those are the most intense ones. They usually go way over time. At first we tried to stop them when time was up, then we stopped doing that. We installed a 911 hotline in the hall instead- just in case.

You can take a Bachelor and a workout or take the driving license while training. There`s no stop to our bullshit really. We are the fiction of your imagination. If you want to believe it, we`e there for you:)

Photo williamcho

British government puts computer chips in potato chips

Food marking. The British government wants to find out who eats chips. If you are one of the lucky bastards you might not be welcome next time you go to the doctor. -It`s your own fault, git out!

The surveillance system will expand to include cigarettes, beer, porn, wine, whiskey, condoms, cookies... all the good stuff. -And we`ll use a scanner so if it beeps you´re fucked!, says the surveillance minister for internal human affairs.

-We want to introduce a point system where you get an electrical shock after 3 points and loose your body after 6. But we haven`t figured out how to get rid off all the dead bodies who`ll pile up outside the fast food chains. But our human information department is working that...

Photo JSmith Photo

I lost it all

No pain without gain. -I had a beautiful wife, trophy kids, nice car, nice house, sailboat, mountain cabin. Then it all went away cause I did everything right. It`s my fault. I  should have never gone to work...

-If I had only stayed at home. Skipped the bills. Watched television and spent more time with my wife and kids, maybe then I wouldn`t have lost my job. Yeah, I think thats the reason they fired me. I came inn every f@#king day.

-I just wish that I was worse at something. Something that could have pissed off my employer enough to keep me there. Coming late, selling company secrets, hitting on clients, anything...

-Looking back at my life I realize now that it would be lot easier not getting it all in the first place. I could have just stayed at life zero. And thats my dream now, just breathe. Inn out inn out. Look, see the frosty air? It`s coming true! I`m living my dream!!!

Photo Ko_An

Man's best friend

Unconditional love.  -It`s my best friend. Always happy to see me. Never complains about anything. Never judge me. It`s just always there. When I need to talk to someone. When I`m lonely... It`s the best thing that ever happened to me.

Photo Planet V

Entertainment centre for sale

Escape estate. Sony 3D-TV 60" 8 seats livingroom with dolby digital surround sound system, 1 Samsung  50" plasma TV 1080p (FullHD) 4 seat hobbyroom, 2 bedroom 42" LCD flat panel display - 1080p (FullHD), iPod, cordless internet, cable tv, 16 radios, Wii, Playstation, X-Box 360, 9 laptops, air condition, drive inn parking, close to shopping centre`s, take away kitchen, 8 tap soda machine with ice dispenser, fries machine & Pizza Hut delivery deal.

Price indication: quarter of a life.

Photo Irish Typepad

Wants Cannabis for X-Mas

Good boys. -Mom asked what I want for X-Mas and I said cannabis mom. No way I`m gonna settle for a video game escape or any of that shit... Then I`ll trash my xmas sock like a pinata. I want the real stuff now. Yeah. F@#k yeah!

-I told my daddio if you don`t share some of that medical marihuana with me on X-Mas day your gonna need a real doctor. I`m tired of being a closet smoker. Might aswell blow it in your face.

What are the cops gonna bust you for now? -Yeah, the donut guys, yeah, you can say that again. Don`t worry. We`ll come up with something. We always do.  

Photo Davichi

Sagging diapers

Taking your girlfriend for a dump. Nothing turns on a gold digger more than a guy who can`t control his own bladder.

Photo victoriapeckham

Capsule coffee popular among army vets

There`s nothing like the smell of Nespresso in the morning. -I haven`t fired a gun in a long time. This was exactly what I needed to get out of bed. The three time war hero misses the excitement of the battlefield, but now, thanks to NestlĂ©, he can prepare for battle in his own kitchen. - I remove the used patron first. Then I take out a new capsule from my bullet belt, reload, squeeze the trigger and BOOM - hot coffee!

I like my semi automatic Nespresso machine, but I can`t wait for the full automatic with a 40 capsule magazine. It`s gonna be a f@#king mess. Imagine going into a restaurant -Everybody get down on the floor and leave your cups on the table. This is a coffee serving! Ratatatatata.

-I think the coffee people will reach new customers who previously didn`t drink coffee. People who prefer drugs or are heavily medicated would probably try it. The product reach them in a way society doesn`t manage to. It`s like they understand each other. Like it`s just meant to be a f@#king mess.

Paintball enthusiast Johnny Faker sees real potential here. -Going out for a coffee get`s a whole other meaning. I`m starting up the coffee chain Bulletproof. It`s a self serve concept with interior entirely made out of kevlar. Originally I wanted a staff and instead of signing off the customer with "is that all?" my line would be "would you like a beating with that?", but nobody applied for the positions. Not even Mexicans. -WMA, Not Afghanistan.

Photo Marc Lagneau

According to EU, there is minus 30 million people in Poland

Where did they go? -They went to the bathroom, says the human statistic analyser in Brussel. Don`t worry, they haven`t left the planet. We had the same problem in China. They where all in the public toilet. I think we found three of them. The Chinese authorities where not happy about the results. We newer heard from them again. They still owe us money. It wasn`t until later we found out that the public restroom actually was the city. We should have gone inn, but the smell... The worst census we had was in Nicaragua during the 80`s. People where shot during the survey, we had to go back into the villages with bullet proof wests and re-counts so many times. Those guerilla guys showed no respect for what we where doing. -Hey guys! I just counted that guy! Then they off course had to shoot after us. I guess there just so many times you can do something before it gets boring. After Nicaragua field work didn`t do it for me, says the office rat.

Photo DocentX

-It felt like I had seen it 12 times, then I realized I hadn`t seen it at all

It`s the fucking hype. -I miss the days when I could walk into a cinema and see films I hadn`t seen before and I miss shagging my secret girlfriend, but I can`t talk about that so I focus on the silver screen. Yesterday, I had an awesome threesome and the first thing I said to my wife when I came home was they have to do something about those hyped films. And she totally agreed. I was a bit surprised by how strongly she felt about this and it turns out she was fucking my brother. We have never really cared about much, so we got suspicious of each other. Since none of us wanted to raise the subject we channeled our anger towards the media instead and it did wonders to our marriage. It`s been three years now and I`ve never had so much sex in my entire life.

Photo the_tahoe_guy