Assad Got It Coming... Run Forrest, Run!

Acid nation. -Run for your life, while you have it. The jet bombers will catch up with you eventually, says US Military spokesperson Suckit Assad.

Photo FreedomHouse

Miley Cyrus Shocked Mixed Martial Art Crowd

Headquake. -The singer brought a Lady Gaga lookalike out on stage and beat her up. The audience didn't know how to react, it all got very silent. All we could hear was Cyrus yelling "your my bitch now", says MMA fighter Butch Bull.

-The rest of the event where cancelled. Everybody got their money back and the promoter promised Miley Cyrus will never perform at an MMA show again ever.

-The fighters wasn't mentally prepared for it. They couldn't step into the ring again after seeing Cyrus nearly killing Gaga. They where all in shock.

-Looking back I've learned that growing up with country music is way more powerful than I ever imagined. I listen to it all the time now. If I can get as brutal as Miley Cyrus to shake off that image... I'll be the next champion.

Photo :) Katie

Guy Still Jerking Off After That Miley Cyrus Stunt

Badass. -It's very embarrassing. He's a receptionist at the hotel and gives me thumbs up every time I pass him while the other hand is in his pants. He's had it there for 3 days now!

-Taxi driver's asks to take a picture jerking off next to me. Some doesn't even ask?! I got mental patients coming in my face like its bird shit.

Photo JPAvocat

Bashar al-Assad Admits -I Have A Drinking Problem

Some days... -I make stupid decision when I'm drunk. As if getting the chemicals weapons in the first place wasn't dumb enough, using them was even dumber.

-Every alcoholic know what I'm talking about and I know it's a bit late to ask for it, but can I get a part in Dumb & Dumber Too?

Photo commons wikimedia

Judgement Is Not My Best Feature, Says Bashar al-Assad

WTF. -Come on? Does it matter how I kill my own people? Their mine!

-So it's okay to use gunpowder, but not chemicals? It's gunpowder a chemical? When did gunpowder stop being a chemical?

-This is all about keeping us in the Middle Ages.

Photo james_gordon_losangeles

The West Sends Chemically Enhanced Ninja Turtles To Syria

Chemical reaction. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is on their way to hold Syria accountable for their use of chemical weapons against their own people.

How embarrassing to be beaten up by a bunch of turtles...

Photo Wikimedia Commons

New Zealand Builds 7 New Airport Terminals To Cater The Drug Traffic

War for drugs. The skyrocketing tourism industry has exploded the capasity at Wellington International Airport, forcing them to build a record braking 7 new terminals simultaneously.

NZ is awaited to be the most visited country on earth and fear running out of designer drugs. -Thats why we open up for smuggling. No merchendise no cash. We need that cash, says fuck all minister Ian Smooth.

Sources WMA has spoken to says UN is considering military intervention to stop the party. NZ say they will protect the operation with all means necessary. Their army is the size of a goat...

Photo OliverN5

Syria Denies Chemical Attacks: We Used Regular Drinking Water

Chemical Ali. -It's shit. No country in the world would waste weapons of ultimate destruction on their own people when they got water like this.

Photo Arabian Business

Assad Has The World's Biggest Collection Of Hitler Fetish Memorabilia

-This is my favourite peace. I wish Hitler
could have seen it. He would have been
so proud of me.
That Was The War That Was. Robert Mugabe is also know to have a huge collection, so was Stalin, but no-one proceeds Bashar al-Assads two thousand peace WW2 museum. Also known as the Presidential Palace of Syria.

The gas chamber or guest room is where foreign states of head spend the night before meeting the President. It makes them more willing to negotiate according to Assad. But guests aren't allowed into the Hitler room, or the master bedroom as he calls it.

Only "Eva Braun" is allowed in there. -I don't call my wife that in public, but yes, that's her pet name. Journalists know they'll be killed if they use it. Sometimes it slips out of my mouth, I'm too used to bitch her around.

Photo FreedomHouse

Cameron Rather Focus On Assad's Acid Attack Than Snowden Leaks

Mambo jambo. -I'd rather talk about women's clothing, but as a prime minister that's not considered "important" enough to steal the limelight from Edward Snowden. That's why I choose the most manly of all man talk, military intervention.

-Syria is the only place where I can bring that up now. I can't talk about the military intervention of Sheffield. Immigration is not that bad up there. It's like the time I shagged that secretary, vola, military invention.

-There's very few times thats not enough to cover up. Tony Blair had a major blowout. It was like "We have to go to war now". It was insane, he turned Downing Street into a brothel.

Photo Guillaume Paumier

Assad Praise Cameron's Attack On Journalists

Friends? -Maybe we can come to an agreement now. Seeing the West take control of the press is a sign of hope. Free speech is total bullshit, seriously. I speak, you listen, if not you die.

Photo Al Jazeera English

Anthony Hopkins Worried When Fans Insist Hannibal Is A Biopic

Hannibal Lecture. -In situations like that I prefer to have a 200 pound gorilla bodyguard nearby. If not I smile and smile and smile until there's an opportunity to get away, says Anthony.

-Like my phone ringing, "sorry, I keep it on vibrator, got to take this one, it's the President, yes, off course (hangs up). Sorry, got to go".

-If there's kids I just punch them and if the parents aren't there I eat them. I eat a lot of journalists and kids.

-I don't see news reporters as humans anymore and the kids haven't become humans yet so I feel no guilt. Especially not if I'm hungry.

-You see I could never be in the Hunger Game. I would have eaten everybody. Same with Peru, I can't go there. I'll eat everyone. The only places I can go on holiday is the Amazon jungle. There I can eat my indians in peace. Those tribes are delicious, no additives.

-Whoever suggests Hannibal is a biopic is way of the charts, thats only the beginning. Eat In Peace would be a better tittle, but that film hasn't been made yet. Watch out for that smile, I might eat you next.

Photo gdcgraphics

Chinese Army Remade Millennium Falcon: Thought It Was A Stealth Plane

Thousand grains of sand in the machinery. The drawings for commercial theme park rides and military airplanes got mixed up.

The hacker general admits he should have understood earlier. It sounded too good to be true. I mean, hyperdrive, seriously?! How could I fall for that?

-The Americans are so far ahead of us I was desperate to catch up, so when I saw the drawings for Millennium Falcon I though Gotcha! Finally we're ahead of the game.

-Then 5 years later. After trying to build this damn plane for 5 years, we realised it was a 36 year old prop drawing from a science fiction movie. It said on the file: Star Wars, but I thought it was a trick name to fool me into not paying attention.

Photo picstopin

Bootleg Version Of The New Star Wars Movie Released In China

Empire shits back. Since Episode 7 hasn't been made yet, the copycats couldn't sneak into a theatre with a video camera as usual. -We had do make the damn thing, says Han.

-We're not waiting for the premiere in 2015. The paying models is getting better and we have to keep our competitive edge.

-We put out a new Superman movie last years. Not even Warner Brothers knew they where making one. So we told them, well now you have to.

-See, it works out for everyone. Man of Steel was a bigger hit than any of their own attempts. If we hadn't pushed them...

-Honestly, I don't understand why people see them. Their so predictable. We're usually 80% right when we make these pre-guesses. I'm in the bootleg industry and even I think this is boring.

Photo kennymatic

Christopher Columbus`s Italian Heritage Becomes Problematic For USA

Big Italy. -We want it back. Yes, we're doing the indigenous people thing. Little Italy was not a joke, says Italy's foreign ownership minister.

Spain, who sent the Italian explorer, didn't realize if they wanted to claim it, they had to do it themselves.

-They didn't pay attention to copyright details and now it comes back to hunt them.

-Everything Columbus discovered is by law Italian when the copyright laws are extended.

-Japan, India and China all fall back into Italian hands. Columbus was the first to copyright India and China, so even though he never found it, he still has legal ownership of it. It's like every time the Elvis catalog is up for extension, we're working on it.

Painting Wikipedia

Google Regret Firing Marissa Mayer

Whoops! Looking at Yahoo's major comeback the tech community ask themselves how much of google's success was Marissa and how much of it was Larry and Sergey?

-Absolutely nothing. She had nothing to do with it. It was all us. She was just here. Now she is doing the same over there, says Larry.

-She's still riding on our success. What a bitch. When people tell me behind every great man there is a great woman, I say, what a load of bull.

Photo Wikipedia

Ben Affleck On Why He Said Yes To Batman Now That His Career Is Going So Well

Time Wonder. -Warner got me on contract and gave me the choice between a sequel to the Butler or Batman and I said, okay, I'll do Batman.

-I'm not digging into the racial territory playing a black Batman in the White House. The Butler stuff is out of my reach, I grew up in Boston.

Photo Sharon Graphics / Wikimedia Commons

Chinese Authorities Put Bo On Trial To Force Faith In The Legal System

Supernova. Afraid that the people might start to believe in justice, the new leadership put it's top dog on trial for a public beating.

-It's important to reestablish the corrupt nature of our country. If we didn't he would be running it by now, says Chinese official.

Photo VOA News / Wikipmedia Commons

The Middle East Also Has Secret Surveillance Bases In The West

Meat of the dragon. Middle East Authorities feel the need to do a little whistleblowing themselves to not end up looking like complete douchebags.

-We know whats going on too. Our kebab shops and taxi drivers around the world gather a lot of information!

-Its a different system, but it works. The Halal Agency doesn't need to listen in on web traffic.

-HA6 don't even have to follow the news cause they are so covered!

Photo skuds

Bradley Manning Switch Sex Cause He Will Be Someone's Bitch Now

Prison shake. -I'm not doing 35 years of that as Bradley, call me Chelsea. Hey, I know gender bender is low status, but prison is lower. I had to sink that deep to do it. Thats how big of a pussy I am.  You see, I'm all woman.

Photo US Army

Prisoner Thinks Of Jail As Time Traveling

Watchdog. -I went in in 2010 and I get out in 2073. The drawback is that it doesn't move in the speed of light, it moves in the speed of fart. So I age considerable during the journey. So much that I might not make it in time.

-The gatekeepers keep saying the destination is the journey itself. I'm more keen on what the world looks like in 60 years.

-They must be on drugs, man. I smuggled a lot of coke, somebody is using it!

Photo  Physicians for Human Rights - Israel

Bradley Manning Gets 30 Years Of Prison Sentence

2045. The prosecutor asked for 60 years to send a message out there to future whistleblowers, but the judge landed on 35 since that message has already leaked.

Photo United States Army

Scientist Makes Breakthrough Discovery: The World Doesn't End, It Stops

Deep break. Eartholog Janus Sunaj has calculated the exact time the sun stops shinning and the weird thing is the world doesn't end, it stops.

-Our solar system will cool down and turn into a giant freezer. Everything in it will stop working until another sun comes along and heats it up again.

-So all those disaster movies are wrong. They have to be remade.

-Another massive discovery I made was that the sun is not a star. This is why I do my research at the Institute of Weirdology, otherwise I would be shut down.

-You see, the temperature in space is not 0 kelvin or absolute zero as we think it is, it's 0 celsius. But we measure it wrongly. The universe is so big taking the temperature in one solar system is like doing it in an atom in the human body.

-Everything work as equal opposites in space. The sun is only a warm atom circling cold space. Which with a bigger thermostat, a much bigger thermostat, would mount up to 0 celsius.

-Suns come and go like fireflies. Every 10 billion years they reproduce themselves like the cells in our bodies. And the ever expanding universe doesn't exist. It's already everywhere. It can expand within itself again, but we'll leave that to next time. There are limits to even how far I can push it.

Photo Zubro

Loosing Against Portsmouth Inspired Ben To Quit Sports Entirely

Life lesson. -It's the most humiliating experience in my life. I nearly did heroin. If I had lost one more time against Portsmouth I would.

-To save myself I burned my football shoes and became an anti-Portsmouth fan. Every time they loose I get my revenge and when they win, I drown my sorrows in beer.

-My wife tolerates me coming home drunk a few times a year as opposed to living with a heroin addict. Giving up sport really saved our marriage.

Photo barsen

Egypt: Islamists Treated Like They Treat Others

Destroycracy. Islamists are beaten up like dogs these days, but do they regret how they beat up others?

-Politics is a dog fight. Whoever's left wins. Thats how these elections work.

-Right now the opposition leads, but nobody has voted yet. This is only the nomination process. You'll know the answer sometime next year. Maybe in the fall, says Mubarak campaign fighter.

-Is he still in the poll? -No, but I'm still on his paylist. However, as much as I like politics, I must admit that the problem with this voting system is that if they go on for too long there is nothing left to fight for.

Photo Neon Tommy

The Butler Regret He Didn't Poison All Of Them

MD 20/20. -I had the chance. Security was really slack before Kennedy. I could've taken him with a jackhammer, but I'm glad I didn't, says Cecil Gaines.

-FBI would have figured out who killed Kennedy if I did it. Me with a jack- hammer in the Oval Office? Not even Clinton could talk his way out of that.

-It's none of my business, but I hope Obama has an all white staff with a prima white butler.

Photo Weinstein Company

These Pants Are Made For Talking

In pants we trust. If you try to do anything else than officing, like running, diving, mountain climbing or skydiving... you quickly realise their not cut out for that. They tear up like "oh shit!".

The good thing about Khaki pants and why so many choose to use them, is that if you do white collar crime you can walk away.

Try that in jeans or army clothes... doesn't work. Even suits are tough these days. As long as there's crime, there's Khaki pants.

Photo Ed Yourdon

Russia Expects Homosexuality To Disappear Just Like That

Problem solving. After passing the no gay law, Russian politicians see no reason why gay people should still be gay.

-It will go away once they get proper influences. In a few weeks now, the whole fad will evaporate.

-It's a disease of the democracy, before free will there was no poofs. We have quite a job securing the sexuality of the world before liberty destroys it. We think the problem can be solved within 3 iPhones.

Photo oarranzli

Egypt To Host The First World Ultimate Fighting Championship

ASAP RIP. -It's a natural place to arrange human-cock fighting. They seem to appreciate it like no others,  says UFC promoter Bad T.

-Lots of people thought we would host it somewhere in the Middle East, but we look at them like the people who sit in the audience during fights.

-They always use car bombs and suicide pussies when they go at each other. Like their afraid of something, like facing the enemy, look them in the eyes and say "I hate you so much I'm willing to kill you".

-The only drawback with arranging the UFC World Championships in Cairo is that you never know when these people will burst out in violence. We want people to watch the fights, not the demonstrations.

Photo Kaloozer

20% Of The Russian Population Leave After The Anti-Gay Legislation

Poofs on the run. -We got the right to run away, says gay activist Gaylana Gaynor. -And we're not stopping until we hit at least Europe. I hear Denmark is good.

-We got a lot of money in our pockets and we're willing to reach deep for whoever swallows our lifestyle.

Photo familymwr

Rapist Love Low Energy Light Bulbs

One fifth of the power to the people, four fifth of the power
to the rapists.
LED rape. -The old incandescent light bulbs where so strong I knew the victims would remember my face and point me out in a police line up.

-With this new shit, it doesn't matter if there's video surveillance, they can hardly see anything. It's like the city did it for me, says jailbird.

Photo Martin Stabenfeldt

Gay People Love The World Championships Stadium In Moscow

World Championships in Aesthetics
IAAF AHH H... -This must be designed by Liberace or something. No straighty could come up with this. It looks like a gay recruitment centre for Christ's sakes, says poof activist.

-I think the Russian Duma pushed through the anti-gay laws in a hurry not to come across as a gay nation. Look at this! Could it get any gayer?! It's a gay disco club.

Photo Dmitry Rozhkov

Mud Wrestling Pulls In More Viewers Than Usain Bolt

Mud sprinting. The world championships in Moscow where beaten at the Nilson rating by Tibetan mud wrestling. The sport, who officially don't exist, is popular among couch potatoes. -Athletics is a mess anyway, their all drugged up, why not be honest and show it like it is, real ugly, says potato head.

Photo Erik van Leeuwen/Wikipedia

Russia Forbid Gay Dogs To Lick Their Balls In Front Of Puppies

Dogma. Russia's new anti-gay dog laws makes it hard for puppies to find gay role models. The aristodogs believe gayness comes from outside and is forced on the animals.

Buttsniffing, outdoor pooping and doggy style is still legal, but no licking.

Photo akk_rus

New Zealand Give Medical Star Wars To Slackers

Empire Strikes Back. The films is about good vs evil and Work & Income hope it can be a positive force in their lives. If this raises their chances of getting out of their couches with 1%, it's 100% successful.

The legalisation of designer drugs will definitely have a bad impact so they have to meet it with something of real force. Like Luke Skywalker, the force is with him.

Photo 8one6

Street Magician Run Over By Truck

Roadkill. The Police wil not yet confirm if the victim is the world famous street magician David Blaine. -All we can say at this point is that he needs a miracle, says Traffic Police Officer Caryl Ticketson.

Pedestrians saw him perform his routine between the passing cars when the truck slam dunked him to the asphalt.

-We thought it was part of a trick so we ran over and peed on his body. I was expecting a bird to fly out of his butt, but a drop of blood came out. Then he shat himself. We ran away. There's no way I'm having that conversation with 911.

Apparently the street magician was a promising highway magician and his ambition was to become the worlds first space magician. He began practising tricks as a kid in the schoolyard and where quickly run over by bikes.

To get away from the bullies he began practising in the streets. 20 years later he became bored with ordinary traffic and wanted more action. No airport would let him perform on their runway and NASA threatened to bomb him. He signed up for the army, but they wouldn't have any of his magic shit.

After a short stint braking into people's houses and perform in their living room while they where asleep, he turned to highway 69. May God be with him. Let him rest his stupidity in peace.

Photo Long Zheng

Star Trek Fans Left Out From Star Wars Vs Lord Of The Rings Debate

Fantastic. -It's like we don't even matter anymore, while we're bigger than ever. The latest instalment was a huge hit. I think it's envy, says above average fan.

-Secretly they all wish their universe was as big as ours, but it isn't so their stuck in that little shit on repeat and wont admit it.

-Imagine being a Star Wars fan. It's the same 3 movies every time. Those guys have been fans of the same 6 hours of footage for 30 years while I've been watching new episodes the whole time, with 12 bonus feature films!

-You can't compare it. Which is why they exclude us. We're superior while their both at the 3 movie level. It's all they have room for in their heads. Add work and spouse and you have a disaster. They'r  basically a charity for people who can't deal with real life.

Photo W10002

Celebrity Doesn't Mind Surveillance If People Are Watching

National Attention Agency. -I've come to the conclusion if NSA listening in on my life helps me stay famous and saves us from terrorists - great, says famous Hollywood face.

-I've come to learn that people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder share the same opinion. In my belief thats close to 99 % of the globe's population. So bring it on, but they got to pay. We got enough piracy as it is.

-NSA is basically ruining our business. No ticket sale, no surveillance. They could at least get a subscription. "Subscribe to my life, only 10.99 a month, you get everything, emails, phone calls, surveillance camera, web log, text messages".

-My life is copyrighted. It's a federal offence to redistribute and showcase it without my permission. Pay or I'll shove FBI up your ass.

Photo Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer

God Not Keen On Humans Finding Out It's Intelligent Life In Space

God's play. -I'll much prefer they stay in the dark, but NASA... God damn. I've never approved any of that.

-When space exploration first became an issue, I thought, well, they'll never figure it out. But I underestimated the creatures on earth again.

-The dinosaurs found out.

-They kept bugging me. Why? Why? Why did you create us like this? So I threw an astroid at them. Even Gods needs practise.

-Earth was a long time ago. It was an emergency course. Every God must know how to create a planet in 7 days in case the universe collapse.

-I'm amazed it's is still around. We do these space aid courses all the time. We have to to keep our license, but we do them in the outspace. Nobody expect them to survive...

Photo newmessagefromgod

Snowden Agree Russia Is A Better Place For Whistleblowers

Leak singer. -There's plenty of stuff to leak about here. Plenty. This whistleblower business will turn into a band. We'll put out a new record every month! I can't wait to be a lead leaker, this is so much cooler than whistle blowing.

-If I came out with some gigantic shit I could trade that in for a US citizenship.

Photo Ed-meister