Photo FreedomHouse
Assad Got It Coming... Run Forrest, Run!
Photo FreedomHouse
Miley Cyrus Shocked Mixed Martial Art Crowd
-The rest of the event where cancelled. Everybody got their money back and the promoter promised Miley Cyrus will never perform at an MMA show again ever.
-The fighters wasn't mentally prepared for it. They couldn't step into the ring again after seeing Cyrus nearly killing Gaga. They where all in shock.
-Looking back I've learned that growing up with country music is way more powerful than I ever imagined. I listen to it all the time now. If I can get as brutal as Miley Cyrus to shake off that image... I'll be the next champion.
Photo :) Katie
Guy Still Jerking Off After That Miley Cyrus Stunt
-Taxi driver's asks to take a picture jerking off next to me. Some doesn't even ask?! I got mental patients coming in my face like its bird shit.
Photo JPAvocat
Bashar al-Assad Admits -I Have A Drinking Problem
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-Every alcoholic know what I'm talking about and I know it's a bit late to ask for it, but can I get a part in Dumb & Dumber Too?
Photo commons wikimedia
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Judgement Is Not My Best Feature, Says Bashar al-Assad
-So it's okay to use gunpowder, but not chemicals? It's gunpowder a chemical? When did gunpowder stop being a chemical?
-This is all about keeping us in the Middle Ages.
Photo james_gordon_losangeles
The West Sends Chemically Enhanced Ninja Turtles To Syria
How embarrassing to be beaten up by a bunch of turtles...
Photo Wikimedia Commons
New Zealand Builds 7 New Airport Terminals To Cater The Drug Traffic
NZ is awaited to be the most visited country on earth and fear running out of designer drugs. -Thats why we open up for smuggling. No merchendise no cash. We need that cash, says fuck all minister Ian Smooth.
Sources WMA has spoken to says UN is considering military intervention to stop the party. NZ say they will protect the operation with all means necessary. Their army is the size of a goat...
Photo OliverN5
Syria Denies Chemical Attacks: We Used Regular Drinking Water
Photo Arabian Business
Assad Has The World's Biggest Collection Of Hitler Fetish Memorabilia
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| -This is my favourite peace. I wish Hitler could have seen it. He would have been so proud of me. |
The gas chamber or guest room is where foreign states of head spend the night before meeting the President. It makes them more willing to negotiate according to Assad. But guests aren't allowed into the Hitler room, or the master bedroom as he calls it.
Only "Eva Braun" is allowed in there. -I don't call my wife that in public, but yes, that's her pet name. Journalists know they'll be killed if they use it. Sometimes it slips out of my mouth, I'm too used to bitch her around.
Photo FreedomHouse
Cameron Rather Focus On Assad's Acid Attack Than Snowden Leaks
-Syria is the only place where I can bring that up now. I can't talk about the military intervention of Sheffield. Immigration is not that bad up there. It's like the time I shagged that secretary, vola, military invention.
-There's very few times thats not enough to cover up. Tony Blair had a major blowout. It was like "We have to go to war now". It was insane, he turned Downing Street into a brothel.
Photo Guillaume Paumier
Assad Praise Cameron's Attack On Journalists
Photo Al Jazeera English
Anthony Hopkins Worried When Fans Insist Hannibal Is A Biopic
-Like my phone ringing, "sorry, I keep it on vibrator, got to take this one, it's the President, yes, off course (hangs up). Sorry, got to go".
-If there's kids I just punch them and if the parents aren't there I eat them. I eat a lot of journalists and kids.
-I don't see news reporters as humans anymore and the kids haven't become humans yet so I feel no guilt. Especially not if I'm hungry.
-You see I could never be in the Hunger Game. I would have eaten everybody. Same with Peru, I can't go there. I'll eat everyone. The only places I can go on holiday is the Amazon jungle. There I can eat my indians in peace. Those tribes are delicious, no additives.
-Whoever suggests Hannibal is a biopic is way of the charts, thats only the beginning. Eat In Peace would be a better tittle, but that film hasn't been made yet. Watch out for that smile, I might eat you next.
Photo gdcgraphics
Chinese Army Remade Millennium Falcon: Thought It Was A Stealth Plane
The hacker general admits he should have understood earlier. It sounded too good to be true. I mean, hyperdrive, seriously?! How could I fall for that?
-The Americans are so far ahead of us I was desperate to catch up, so when I saw the drawings for Millennium Falcon I though Gotcha! Finally we're ahead of the game.
-Then 5 years later. After trying to build this damn plane for 5 years, we realised it was a 36 year old prop drawing from a science fiction movie. It said on the file: Star Wars, but I thought it was a trick name to fool me into not paying attention.
Photo picstopin
Bootleg Version Of The New Star Wars Movie Released In China
-We're not waiting for the premiere in 2015. The paying models is getting better and we have to keep our competitive edge.
-We put out a new Superman movie last years. Not even Warner Brothers knew they where making one. So we told them, well now you have to.
-See, it works out for everyone. Man of Steel was a bigger hit than any of their own attempts. If we hadn't pushed them...
-Honestly, I don't understand why people see them. Their so predictable. We're usually 80% right when we make these pre-guesses. I'm in the bootleg industry and even I think this is boring.
Photo kennymatic
Christopher Columbus`s Italian Heritage Becomes Problematic For USA
Spain, who sent the Italian explorer, didn't realize if they wanted to claim it, they had to do it themselves.
-They didn't pay attention to copyright details and now it comes back to hunt them.
-Everything Columbus discovered is by law Italian when the copyright laws are extended.
-Japan, India and China all fall back into Italian hands. Columbus was the first to copyright India and China, so even though he never found it, he still has legal ownership of it. It's like every time the Elvis catalog is up for extension, we're working on it.
Painting Wikipedia
Google Regret Firing Marissa Mayer
-Absolutely nothing. She had nothing to do with it. It was all us. She was just here. Now she is doing the same over there, says Larry.
-She's still riding on our success. What a bitch. When people tell me behind every great man there is a great woman, I say, what a load of bull.
Photo Wikipedia
Ben Affleck On Why He Said Yes To Batman Now That His Career Is Going So Well
-I'm not digging into the racial territory playing a black Batman in the White House. The Butler stuff is out of my reach, I grew up in Boston.
Photo Sharon Graphics / Wikimedia Commons
Chinese Authorities Put Bo On Trial To Force Faith In The Legal System
-It's important to reestablish the corrupt nature of our country. If we didn't he would be running it by now, says Chinese official.
Photo VOA News / Wikipmedia Commons
The Middle East Also Has Secret Surveillance Bases In The West
-We know whats going on too. Our kebab shops and taxi drivers around the world gather a lot of information!
-Its a different system, but it works. The Halal Agency doesn't need to listen in on web traffic.
-HA6 don't even have to follow the news cause they are so covered!
Photo skuds
Bradley Manning Switch Sex Cause He Will Be Someone's Bitch Now
Photo US Army
Prisoner Thinks Of Jail As Time Traveling
-The gatekeepers keep saying the destination is the journey itself. I'm more keen on what the world looks like in 60 years.
-They must be on drugs, man. I smuggled a lot of coke, somebody is using it!
Photo Physicians for Human Rights - Israel
Bradley Manning Gets 30 Years Of Prison Sentence
Photo United States Army
Scientist Makes Breakthrough Discovery: The World Doesn't End, It Stops
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-Our solar system will cool down and turn into a giant freezer. Everything in it will stop working until another sun comes along and heats it up again.
-So all those disaster movies are wrong. They have to be remade.
-Another massive discovery I made was that the sun is not a star. This is why I do my research at the Institute of Weirdology, otherwise I would be shut down.
-You see, the temperature in space is not 0 kelvin or absolute zero as we think it is, it's 0 celsius. But we measure it wrongly. The universe is so big taking the temperature in one solar system is like doing it in an atom in the human body.
-Everything work as equal opposites in space. The sun is only a warm atom circling cold space. Which with a bigger thermostat, a much bigger thermostat, would mount up to 0 celsius.
-Suns come and go like fireflies. Every 10 billion years they reproduce themselves like the cells in our bodies. And the ever expanding universe doesn't exist. It's already everywhere. It can expand within itself again, but we'll leave that to next time. There are limits to even how far I can push it.
Photo Zubro
Loosing Against Portsmouth Inspired Ben To Quit Sports Entirely
-To save myself I burned my football shoes and became an anti-Portsmouth fan. Every time they loose I get my revenge and when they win, I drown my sorrows in beer.
-My wife tolerates me coming home drunk a few times a year as opposed to living with a heroin addict. Giving up sport really saved our marriage.
Photo barsen
Egypt: Islamists Treated Like They Treat Others
-Politics is a dog fight. Whoever's left wins. Thats how these elections work.
-Right now the opposition leads, but nobody has voted yet. This is only the nomination process. You'll know the answer sometime next year. Maybe in the fall, says Mubarak campaign fighter.
-Is he still in the poll? -No, but I'm still on his paylist. However, as much as I like politics, I must admit that the problem with this voting system is that if they go on for too long there is nothing left to fight for.
Photo Neon Tommy
The Butler Regret He Didn't Poison All Of Them
-FBI would have figured out who killed Kennedy if I did it. Me with a jack- hammer in the Oval Office? Not even Clinton could talk his way out of that.
-It's none of my business, but I hope Obama has an all white staff with a prima white butler.
Photo Weinstein Company
These Pants Are Made For Talking
The good thing about Khaki pants and why so many choose to use them, is that if you do white collar crime you can walk away.
Try that in jeans or army clothes... doesn't work. Even suits are tough these days. As long as there's crime, there's Khaki pants.
Photo Ed Yourdon
Russia Expects Homosexuality To Disappear Just Like That
-It will go away once they get proper influences. In a few weeks now, the whole fad will evaporate.
-It's a disease of the democracy, before free will there was no poofs. We have quite a job securing the sexuality of the world before liberty destroys it. We think the problem can be solved within 3 iPhones.
Photo oarranzli
Egypt To Host The First World Ultimate Fighting Championship
-Lots of people thought we would host it somewhere in the Middle East, but we look at them like the people who sit in the audience during fights.
-They always use car bombs and suicide pussies when they go at each other. Like their afraid of something, like facing the enemy, look them in the eyes and say "I hate you so much I'm willing to kill you".
-The only drawback with arranging the UFC World Championships in Cairo is that you never know when these people will burst out in violence. We want people to watch the fights, not the demonstrations.
Photo Kaloozer
20% Of The Russian Population Leave After The Anti-Gay Legislation
-We got a lot of money in our pockets and we're willing to reach deep for whoever swallows our lifestyle.
Photo familymwr
Rapist Love Low Energy Light Bulbs
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| One fifth of the power to the people, four fifth of the power to the rapists. |
-With this new shit, it doesn't matter if there's video surveillance, they can hardly see anything. It's like the city did it for me, says jailbird.
Photo Martin Stabenfeldt
Gay People Love The World Championships Stadium In Moscow
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| World Championships in Aesthetics |
-I think the Russian Duma pushed through the anti-gay laws in a hurry not to come across as a gay nation. Look at this! Could it get any gayer?! It's a gay disco club.
Photo Dmitry Rozhkov
Mud Wrestling Pulls In More Viewers Than Usain Bolt
Photo Erik van Leeuwen/Wikipedia
Russia Forbid Gay Dogs To Lick Their Balls In Front Of Puppies
Buttsniffing, outdoor pooping and doggy style is still legal, but no licking.
Photo akk_rus
New Zealand Give Medical Star Wars To Slackers
The legalisation of designer drugs will definitely have a bad impact so they have to meet it with something of real force. Like Luke Skywalker, the force is with him.
Photo 8one6
Street Magician Run Over By Truck
Pedestrians saw him perform his routine between the passing cars when the truck slam dunked him to the asphalt.
-We thought it was part of a trick so we ran over and peed on his body. I was expecting a bird to fly out of his butt, but a drop of blood came out. Then he shat himself. We ran away. There's no way I'm having that conversation with 911.
Apparently the street magician was a promising highway magician and his ambition was to become the worlds first space magician. He began practising tricks as a kid in the schoolyard and where quickly run over by bikes.
To get away from the bullies he began practising in the streets. 20 years later he became bored with ordinary traffic and wanted more action. No airport would let him perform on their runway and NASA threatened to bomb him. He signed up for the army, but they wouldn't have any of his magic shit.
After a short stint braking into people's houses and perform in their living room while they where asleep, he turned to highway 69. May God be with him. Let him rest his stupidity in peace.
Photo Long Zheng
Star Trek Fans Left Out From Star Wars Vs Lord Of The Rings Debate
-Secretly they all wish their universe was as big as ours, but it isn't so their stuck in that little shit on repeat and wont admit it.
-Imagine being a Star Wars fan. It's the same 3 movies every time. Those guys have been fans of the same 6 hours of footage for 30 years while I've been watching new episodes the whole time, with 12 bonus feature films!
-You can't compare it. Which is why they exclude us. We're superior while their both at the 3 movie level. It's all they have room for in their heads. Add work and spouse and you have a disaster. They'r basically a charity for people who can't deal with real life.
Photo W10002
Celebrity Doesn't Mind Surveillance If People Are Watching
-I've come to learn that people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder share the same opinion. In my belief thats close to 99 % of the globe's population. So bring it on, but they got to pay. We got enough piracy as it is.
-NSA is basically ruining our business. No ticket sale, no surveillance. They could at least get a subscription. "Subscribe to my life, only 10.99 a month, you get everything, emails, phone calls, surveillance camera, web log, text messages".
-My life is copyrighted. It's a federal offence to redistribute and showcase it without my permission. Pay or I'll shove FBI up your ass.
Photo Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer
God Not Keen On Humans Finding Out It's Intelligent Life In Space
-When space exploration first became an issue, I thought, well, they'll never figure it out. But I underestimated the creatures on earth again.
-The dinosaurs found out.
-They kept bugging me. Why? Why? Why did you create us like this? So I threw an astroid at them. Even Gods needs practise.
-Earth was a long time ago. It was an emergency course. Every God must know how to create a planet in 7 days in case the universe collapse.
-I'm amazed it's is still around. We do these space aid courses all the time. We have to to keep our license, but we do them in the outspace. Nobody expect them to survive...
Photo newmessagefromgod
Snowden Agree Russia Is A Better Place For Whistleblowers
-If I came out with some gigantic shit I could trade that in for a US citizenship.
Photo Ed-meister
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