War on democracy

Mission impossible. Afghanistan are repositioning their refuges around the globe. The plan is to invade USA and Europe, occupy the continents for 13 years while installing tribal societies.
-They got weapons of family destruction. These mass families must be divided into smaller units where they no longer pose a threat to society, says great great great grandfather and Commander in Chief Ali Bubba. Here photographed with the Secretary of Tribe, his Historical Adviser and the Minister of Refugees.

Photo isafmedia

The Mexican and Italian mob merge to face the Triad

The Cornfather. -I`m not afraid of loosing members, from what I hear they don`t take up Euros, Ameros or Latinos twice their size, it`s humiliating to them, it`s our associates I worry about. These fuckers get the job done for one hundredth of the price. You can hire 100 triados for the price of one torpedo, says Cornleone. That`s why we merge and go public.

Photo davidsteltz

Sensationalist

The Disinformation Act. The practice of making up, faking events, issues and trends has become to most reliable source of disinformation. Even more reliable than news. For that reason journalist educations is being shut down world wide.

According to UN no journalist has been hired since 1985, but hundreds has been killed. Why waste tax money on an education who will never be used? In many countries journalist applicants receive a bullet with the covering letter "It`s cheaper". In Russia government hit men is sent out to deliver a similar "letter" personally...

Photo Afghan Lord

9 out of 10 choose safety and dictatorship

Same, same - only different. -I`m tired of all the talk. I only want my money and get the hell out of here. All this yada yada yada as if I don`t get enough of that from my wife. God have mercy what would happen if I demanded freedom and democracy at home. She would kill me. We both know I`m a lousy husband and wouldn`t do shit if it wasn`t for her... . #*#@ this man, says Nacho.

Photo blmurch

Gaylosophy

School of Abstinence. It`s a bit gay, the whole business of philosophy. Really, what where these 20 guys doing together with one woman dressed up in bisexual clothing? Thinking? Yeah right... At least they came up with the best excuse in history. But they had to, otherwise they would have been exposed. Had they known their alibis would still stand 2500 years later, they would probably put in a magic trick or two to see how far they could push it.

Illustration Zeno.org

Kids today are too healthy. They should do more booze, gain weight and stop caring so much for crying out loud!

Age rage. -I need something too complain about. If the youngster keep behaving like this I`m going to have to complain about myself. Cause I`m the only one left who doesn`t give a damn. If there`s only me I can`t hide, says adult guy.

Photo Menage a Moi

Underwater Hotel

Octopussy. -We have reached the bottom. We can`t get any lower. That` why we`re filming the next reality show underwater, says tv producer and former car salesman John Harry. -We feel that what the genre really needs now is depth. Go deep into the characters and do some serious celebrity porntraits. Why do they act like bananas? Why? Why??? ...and stuff like that.

Photo Schristia

Leaders of mass destruction

Warland. It was the leaders, it was the bin Ladens and the W Bushes, it never was the weapon of mass destruction or the infidels. They where fiction of our leaders imagination used to lead us against each other. But why follow? Why should we do the fighting while they do the watching? Isn`t it better to let the leaders lead by example and fight one on one while we are watching?

Photo pingnews.com

In 200 years we`ll eat Hitler cake

Nazipan. The Napoleons cake didn`t sell very well after the Battle of Waterloo in 1815. It took a good 150 years before sales took up. German bakeries don`t expect any take off until the end of the century. -It will probably be our biggest export after VW, the Hitlermobile, says German future expert.

-Eventually we`ll be proud of the bastard and laugh at how silly they where then. Walking around in black and white and trying to conquer the world. It`s such a cliche.

Photo allyrose18

Tour de China

Wheels of danger. -Tour de France??? I don`t get it. It`s Tour de China everyday here. We just call it commuting, says Wang. But we don`t feel the need to broadcast us cycling to work in the morning to the whole world. What kinda ego`s does those Frenchy Menchys have? "Hey, look at me! I`m cycling!!". Communist Christ, their like a 3 year old who just learned to bicycle "Hey, daddy daddy, look at me, look at me!"

Photo richbeechina

We still know how to party

Libyrachi. -The civil war hasn`t changed much. We still know how to party, says Ahmad and does the Saturday Night Fever pose. In Libya, everyday is Saturday. Thanks to Gaddafi, we can go clubbing in the streets, there`s disco lights everywhere. All the gun shots and explosions really gives it an edge man. Yeah! Let`s party like it`s 1969.

Photo B.R.Q

EU asks Turkey to move to Asia

The Third Reich. -We got the kebab now, we know what it is, we don`t need more outlets, says the German Chancellor. It`s not racism, it`s only hate. We don`t like you, we never liked you, we will never like you, please leave.

-You got an airline, use it, says the French President. Dump it in the Black Sea. Do whatever you want. Just get rid off it.

Photo Forumdas

Brazil is building an underground airport

AirMetro. The economic powerhouse needed something to blow our minds, something other than tits and ass, something that makes us go holly shit! and lets go there at the same time. Rumors has it the Governor in São Paulo yelled "to hell with it, let`s build an underground airport system!".

The plane designs are awesome. First of all it takes you anywhere in seconds. There`s samba rooms and shag compartments onboard. Tax- free shopping and no need for booking. Just jump on the first plane entering the underground airhub.

If this can`t fix the seat at the UN security council a space airport is under construction. Yes, travelers don`t have to land in Singapore anymore. They can switch planes in air or use the Spacelift down to the city centre.

Photo connectionconsulting

Shanghai: the big Pumpkin

Notorious B.I.G. -An apple isn`t big enough to illustrate our hugeness, that works better for small cities like New York, says Yang Tang. We needed something bigger, something awesome and yet a bit scary cause nobody knows where this is leading ha ha (devil laughter) ha ha (afraid laughter) ha ha (redemption laughter).


Photo dawvon

The West Bank: Favorite holiday destinations for Hollywood stuntmen

Action vacation. -The idea that anything can happen anytime is attractive to us. Most people think we go home after we`re done at work, but we don`t. We do this all the time. On our way to work, on our way home from work, when we`re at sleep... If you see someone sleepwalking, he`s probably a stuntman... says the Human Cannonball.

-What work does for us is provide a safe place where we don`t have to worry about injuries, but half the fun is not knowing whether we`re going to die. Therefor we go on these Gaza trips to get the adrenaline out and what blow our minds every time is how good the locals are, cause our neighbors back in Beverly Hills are suck pussies...

Photo SeeMidTN.com (aka Brent) 

She made the social networking service just to get the guys

Mandy Zuckerberg. She was like very introvert and spent most her time in front of the computer. So she invented this huge multi million dollar internet company to get the guys. She nailed the programming code and went through all the legal trouble of putting it out there. And yet, despite al the attention, nobody is capable to see her for the pretty woman she wanted to be seen as.

Photo Maiquel Borges

Invited to Silvio Berlusconi`s animal party

In denial. -I`m attracted to powerful men, says the Italian model. But he`s 50 years older than me. 50 years!!! I don`t understand why he invites me. I`m a cartoon. Maybe I`m as real to him as his politics.

Photo Ramona.Forcella

The pyramids where storage centers for ancient iClouds

Written in the sky. -It came as a huge shock to all of us. Now we have to rewrite history again. But atleast this time all the information is there so we don` have to do anymore updates, says Giza guide Gizzar.

-We`re really excited to see all the photos, emails, and videoclips from that time. As soon as we figure out how to decode these rocks we`ll upload it on the web for everyone to see.

-All these years we wondered how they built them for no reason. They where never that big when they built them. The rocks grew bigger with the never ending demanding for more storage capacity. They got so huge they build multiple ones to avoid overloading. As the years past by, they had so many they made them offshore in places like Peru to avoid total breakdown incase a meteor hit Egypt.

Photo tom@hk | 湯米tomhk

Cloud banking

iBank. We might aswell. It`s an air castle anyway. Compared to the finance crisis, if it goes to hell, at least it rains on us.

Photo pingin

Hiker got airplane in the head

Headache. -Thank God I wore a helmet. My friends, well, not friends really..., but people who know of me have given me so much shit over the years for wearing a hiker helmet. "What are you doing with that? Your not climbing or cycling? Still learning to walk?" When that plane hit me it was all worth it. All those years with no girlfriends or friends. It saved my life. I`m never taking that helmet off, not even when I go to bed. I know the price is high, but in the end it evens out.

Photo Son of Groucho

Earthquake proof beds now standard in Tokyo hotels

Shaken, not stirred. -It`s impossible to make double beds 100% quake proof, but we use the most advanced technology to prevent our hotel guest from falling down. You never know with nature. We prepare for the worst, says hotel manager Yang Foo to Bed Time Stories.

Photo Sikachu!

NASA threw away their technology and bought Mac instead

To hell with it. -This consumer technology is getting on our nerves. It`s really embarrassing watching Apple put out all this great technology we haven`t even thought off. We`re NASA for f@#k sake! says astronaut Cool.

-We`re running all our operative systems on iCloud from now on. We`re replacing the mission control panels on our space crafts with iPads and every space suit will have a build it iPhone.

-These f@#kers works in space, man. I took one with me on my last mission to make some fun pictures and the damn phone worked. I spoke to my wife from the moon! I mms`ed the pictures so our children could see daddy at work. Then they mms`ed back pictures of sneaking into our neighbors basement. Just wait to I get home...

Photo NASA Goddard Space Flight Center

Prince William fights crime at night

Her Majesty's Secret Service. The Prince rescued the police from an ambush last night. -We where following a lead on a drug investigation which turned out the be a set up. They had us tied up with rope and was dumping us in the river when prince William turned up. The guys where like what! He must have done kick boxing for 20 years cause he had them down in no time. We still don`t know what to think. It all went too quickly, says one of the policemen who insists on being anonymous.

Prince is reluctant to speak about the incident. When asked if he used a Batman costume he says dressing up in an adult bat costume never appealed to him, besides Kate would never approve. In fact now that she knows she will most likely talk him into therapy.

-I wear regular jeans and sweatshirts. I use enough costumes in my daily job. I have to draw the line somewhere. What really pisses me off is that my cover is broken. Don`t get me wrong, I love Kate, but you know, there are other ways to marry than having BBC broadcasting your wedding to the world. It`s a bit over the top for me. This whole Batman thing is to stay sane. I have to level all this nonsense somehow. Fighting crime seemed like a valid option. If you only knew how many famous people there are out there kicking ass and taking names... I guess what I`m trying to say is this would not make headlines.

-I`ve only done it for 7 years so I`m still roughly new at it. Every ten years or so someones screws it up. This decade it was me. Those f@#%#@* iPhone cameras!

Photo it's a foot! / AN HONORABLE GERMAN

New Stealth Stroller

No kidding. This is not for kids man. The stealth technology makes the stroller invisible for passersby. It has a catapult which can shot the baby 200 meter up in the air. It fires 200 bullet pr second and electrocutes anyone attempting to steel it. Who`s your daddy now, huh?! HUH?!! Yeah, I thought so...


Photo exfordy

Engine break down

Crack car. -I was out driving when the car broke. After 10 years of no trouble it stopped completely. Like it was made to shut down on the second after 10 years, says Janet.

-I`m installing a timer or an alarm clock on the next car. Anything who gives me 5 seconds to get out of the road before it expires.

Photo bettyx1138

DepthPal

Finance friend. In bad times we all need a friend. Why not have one when your broke?! A friend who takes care of your mortgages and make sure there is always room for more. A friend who doesn`t know how to say no or have the hearth to tell you your being f@#ked. After all, what are friends for if you can`t take them down with you?

Photo iliveisl

Action pizza

Trigger sauce. -Most of our customer have no idea this place can blow up any minute. Thanks to a dreadful advertising campaign we are still in business. Every now and then we got a thrill seeker who wanted to test their limits. We had a special arrangement with the Bosnian mafia to cater for their needs, says the manager and money laundrist Stefan.

-Last time they robbed the place, one customer was so pleased he fired 12 bullets in our cash register. The others  didn`t share his enthusiasm and called the cops. It made the national news. We thought that was it, but no, thats when it took off. Everybody wanted a piece of the action pizza. We decided not to talk about the 200kg of explosive hidden in the basement cause it`s bad for business. It would hurt sales. Nobody has ordered or asked what a suicide pizza is anyway. I prey to God 5 times a day nobody will. It would ruin us rebuilding not only our reputation, but the restaurant as well. After 4-5 pizza`s we`d be out of business for good, if we even survive.

Photo erix!

Oprah left a black hole in afternoon television

The O Factor. -Programming eats up everything we replace it with. It get`s sucked inn. Nothing lasts. It all disappears. How are we going to fill it? How can we stop this vacuum from destroying us? We though the audience was watching tv, but they where watching Oprah?! When she walked away they turned it off?? I never thought of that before, says head of programming at NBC, Larry Stupid.

-We don`t even know what they do? They turned their remotes on us and zapped out without even leaving a note. What can we tell our sponsors? 25 million viewers walked out?! We tried everything to keep their attention. From tri-lesbinans to a bisexual horse host the show, nobody noticed - not even the horse. What is this world coming to? Sanity?!

Photo thebadastronomer 

Follow that phone!

iChase. Hollywood screenwriters has been instructed to change the classic scene where the hero jumps into a cab and says "Follow that car" to "Follow that phone".

So many people use Google Map App these days having a car chase is redundant. What the audience want to see is a phone chase, who cares about cars anymore. Their too expensive. Fuel prices and taxes has made them into anti-status symbols, like "What chain do you drive?". It`s why people tint their windows, they don`t want to be seen in a car. And they listen to the radio for the same reason, to forget that their even in one.

Photo Wesley Fryer

Alice in Dangerland

Army of weirdness. Disney is making a sequel to the smash box office hit Alice in Wonderland starring Johnny Depp. Tim Burton, who directed the original, again, could not believe his ears when the Disney execute said he wanted to set it inn Afghanistan. -Are you weirder than me? was his spontaneous response. -Yes, I run this company:)

Burton agreed to do the movie on two conditions, prepay and 100% creative disclaimer. The project has already gone into production and the premiere is set for 2014. -We have to get our crew out of Afghanistan before that. If not it will be a mess. We need to edit the footage before the opening night, says Burton on satellite phone. We don`t have a script. We didn`t plan anything. It`s going to be a new Apocalypse now.

Photo schulz'

Fox seek news extras

News audition. -We are driving around the country and stopping in every major city. If you think you got what it takes to make the headlines, come show us your talent. We need people who can do school shootings, angry Arabian and "He ran that way!" White women are encouraged to apply, says Fox news producer Albert Truth.

Photo Vincent Desjardins