EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE VIRUS

What the hell do you want?



Same as everyone else, more!

Who are you?
If I knew that, I might have been able to do something about it. 

You do understand you'll go down in history as one of the absolute worst things that ever happened?
I kinda do, yeah.

How do you feel about that?
Like a psychopath, I guess... Hard to tell, not great with feelings.

Did you have a difficult childhood?
Yes. I was born in a cave and raised by bats. You can say I have a lot of baggage.

Why earth?
Why not? Good as any.

Why now?
Would tomorrow suit you better?

How does the vaccine make you feel?
Terrible.

Why don't you give up?
It's kinda hard to stop these things once you started it.

One last wish before we wipe you out?
I know it's not on the table, but I'd prefer the electric chair. 


This interview was translated into human language by computers.


Secret Service Relieved Trump Lost

Agent admit more comfortable with failure under Trump.

-It's a miracle he's still alive.


Can't Do Blackface, Can't Do Whiteface

Guess I Have To Use My Own Face..

 -It's so much easier to be alive if I don't have to be myself, you know what I mean?! It's sort of all figured out beforehand. I don't have to think. Just copy the people around me. Don't have to deal with everyday life. I can forget my problems and have a ball, says Donald Clusterfok from Ohio.
 
-The people at these meetings respect me when I'm someone else. We never talk about the dumb shit I do, like crashing my car in a boat. We focus on other peoples dumb shit and that has made me realize that even though I fired a gun at the rescue truck, I'm still better than those other idiots.

A lot better! 

-We have a saying here, "Fuck you!", and that really resonates with me. "Ey! Fuck you, man!" It really sums up everything. "Fuck you, and you and you and you!". Life is so much easier in black and white. I don't want to add color. I want to keep it simple. I like the mask on. I'm not one of those who go to McDonalds Drive Thru to buy complicated food.

-I'm hungry. I need to take a dumb, says Donald before he carries on with his life.


Photo Martin 

Trumps True Identity Revealed When Receiving Oxygen Through His Breathing Mask

As if getting your President infected with covid-19 wasn't enough, America was hit with another shock when his true identity leaked. The treatment made it impossible to keep it a secret. Trump has been on oxygen his whole life. He is Darth Vader.

-This explains everything, says a White House journalist. Now at least we know...


Photo Jordy

Bank Robbers Take to Face Masks

 

-It brings back the feeling of the good old days, even though I do most my steeling online these days, it's all very nostalgic to me, says Antonio Cho, who's robbed God knows many innocent people. 


-I spread fear, it comes with the job, but at least I don't have to feel guilty about passing on a deadly virus. That would be an insult. What I do causes enough harm as it is.

-As a bank robber I understand the virus, the motiv is not to kill, its a side effect. The goal is to grow, get rich, bigger, have more... death and destruction is just a necessary byproduct to reach that goal. If I could do it without I would. 

-But I can't. And that's where you and I have differ.


Photo pisauikan

Trumps Brain Possessed By The Devil

 

What the world needs now is an exorcism, not an election, otherwise we're doomed, says scientists at the covid-19 research senter in Ballahama. 

You know, we got a lot of heavy equipment here, stuff that the outside world doesn't know exist. When Trump was here, stuff went off that more alarming than the coronavirus. The guy's possessed. 

Normally people prefer to be anonymous when making public accusations like this, but this is not the case with the scientists at the covid-19 research centre.

-We hate the guy. He's horrible. Everybody knows. What is there to be afraid of coming forward? The whole world hates him. The guys's a lonatic. More people will die from the presidents rage than covid-19. We got to get this guy out of office before he brings the devil to the White House.


God Gives Up On Earth, Builds New Planet Outside Berkshire

-It went alright untill you muffs went into space. You're not ready for the answears. Why do you have to ask so many questions all the time?! Curiosity was a massive mistake, I guess all of human kind was. Not doing that again, says God to the local newspaper in Berkshire. 

The new planet will according to Berkshire Post, named New Earth, like New York, just bigger, but without humans, off course.

An official date for the launch is yet to be set, but expected soon. Around the time we screw it up apparently. -I should have done this lightyears ago, says God. Now I run the risk of getting it all wrong again with another fast planet. I should have done this slow... to aviod the obvious. 


EGG KILLER CAUGHT!!!


The Egg Killer was captured by the French police in what seems to be the most spectacular attempt at escaping the law. -He hijacked a plane at the Airbus factory and set off to the other side of the moon, says the French law enforcement who shot him down with a Eurostriker before he got too far off the ground.

The Egg Killer was interrogated through the night and the French police is getting a clearer picture of who this serial mass murder is.

-He grew up in a chicken farm in Poland and escaped. Somehow he had picked up the ability to read. Probably from hanging around humans. And by chance he came cross Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler.

But it was the Greek edition and he spoke Polish, so he apparently moved to Greece to enjoy life, but he fell short of money, had to live in the streets and survived as an egg prostitute. He tried to get into an art school, but he wasn't accepted.

He claims to get the taste of his own kind late one night in a cafeteria. Out of nowhere he ate his friends. He can't explain it, he says, something suddenly came over me. Since then he has eated more eggs than every person on earth combinded.

The disgusting part is he eats them to death. He doesn't mind eggs, he doesn't plan to murder them, it's just a side effect of his canibalism.

An estimated 2 billion eggs has died in the mouth of the Egg Killer. Thats 2 billion eggs that could have been eaten and killed by humans! says the French police who are very pleased with their arrest.

They also point out that they now can put the rumors of a giant bodybuilder from out of space who ate all the protein on earth to rest.


Photo Tom Dehli

Not Another Term With Lukasjenko

-His time is up. Time to throw the sitting duck out of office, says the lady crow of Minsk and every other city in Belarus. The election was rigged. Get out before we eat you alive.

-Find a condo in Moscow and don't come back!

-There's no lost love here.


Photo Free-Photos

Chinese President Listens to Rap

Gangsta rap is Xi Jinping favorite music and it shows. It has affected how he conducts his foreign policy in a big way since he discovered it. He was introduced to it by one of Trumps bodyguards.

The bodyguard thought he was going to die when he turned up the volume to badass gangsta rap and realized Xi Jinping was in the car, but he was intrigued by the gritt of it and asked what it was and told him to turn it up.

Since then Xi Jinping is always riding with his sunnies inside the limo and playing the music as loud as the speakers allow. The limo is soundproof, off course, and they turn it off before he steps out to perform his presidential duties, than aside, he's totally down with it.


Photo The Guardian

Average Kim Avoids Made In China

-Yeah, take that you bullies! I buy made in Taiwan from now on. And guess what, the Taiwan gadgets are exactly the same. I've had them for a couple of months now and I can't tell the difference!

-Imagine if every citizen on earth did the same? Taiwan would be a Superpower!


Photo English

WW2 Veterans Prefer Germany Over Russia

-Germany created the greatest society the world has ever seen. I love it. Russia can go to bed. I wouldn't set my foot there today. Not the way they have gone, but thats another story, says the WW2 veteran who speaks for all of them.

-Russia still brag about winning the war, like they did it on their own, but they where never that important. Sure, they had big losses, but that didn't help us win did it. Neither is it a valid argument to diminish the Allies abilities to fight. Our soldiers stayed longer in battle. That made us more dangerous, not less. You mesure success in gains, not losses.

-The Allies stopped the war with the atom bomb in 1945 and saved Sovjetunion and the world hundreds of millons of lives. It would have gone on for years if we had left it to Sovjet to defeat Hitler, but they could never admit that and thank us for doing the dirty work.

-Russia is stuck in time and tries to hang on the bandwagon with their desperate take on history. You got to move on. Look at Germany, the Nazis lost the war, but God did the Germans win the world.


Photo Baptiste Heschung

Hong Kong: 20 Years in Prison for Farting!

The new Chinese security law prohibits any form of anti communist behavior and hundreds of Hong kongers has been sent to the mainland for farting bigtime after eating Chinese pudding.

-The food was infected, I didn't intend to fart in the presence of Chinese officials, I tried to hold it in as long as I could. It's impossible. The food is so terrible. It's hard enough eating it and smiling at the same time, especially when you know your going to get real sick, says Anonymous Han.

Anonymous Han expects to die from the Chinese prison food long before 20 years has passed. -It's a death sentence. Nobody ever comes back from the mainland...


Photo Philipp

Used GPS Tracker to Locate Toothache

Satelite Laser Precision. -The GPS tracking in the new cell phones are so acurate I use it instead of X-rays, say dentist Bernie Chance in Belgium.

-If the patients don't show up I see here they are. Sometimes I hunt them down and surprise operate them on the spot. It usually draws quite a crowd.

-Especially when I chase them on foot or by car and it ends up in some kind of showdown. Those videos goes viral.


Photo Free-Photos

LGBTQ Astronaut On Moon

Thats Right! Just when space was getting boring NASA found a way to spice it up, thanks to SpaceSex, the private space sector. -Space is all about getting as far away from ourselfs as possible without loosing ourselfs, so bring your privates!, says SpaceSex boss Cool Electrics.

SpaceSex hope that this mission will take them one step further on the way to find an exit plan from planet earth. -We need somewhere to go, maybe even before the next pandemic. Who knows, it might attack earth itself.

-We still haven't figured out how we're going to transport billions people out there. Chances are we never will. Realisticly it's more about getting a few out there to start all over again. We're sending austronauts to every %$&@ planet we can and hopefully on will settle before warth blows up.


Photo 272447

Hongkonger Shat Himself When Reading The Chinese Security Laws

Drowning. Luckily he was sitting on the toilet when he got sick to his stomac from reading the latest news on his cell phone, who by the way, also found its way down the toilet as quickly as possibly.

-It's made in China, God knows how many tracking devices they got in it. I'm practically dead. You know, being in the riots and all.

All things considered, he makes sure China get a peace of him before he leaves town when he flushes down. Knowing the flush content will "head" towards the "homeland" after a good 50 stories fall down the sewer pipes from his apartment.

-With the current tide, the shit will be in China before dawn. By then I've farted myself halfway to space. Depending on how much gas I got left, I'll try to land somewhere in Canada.


Photo Peggy and Marco Lachmann-Anke

Trump Thinks WHO Sucks Donkey

Money Run. -We're not giving money to a Chinese puppet. If people want to give their hard earned cash themselves, thats fine by me, but I'm not doing it on their behalf, says president Trump.

-Having said that, I'd seriously prefer they give the money to me. I got an expensive campaign coming up. I got to beat a senil demented old man in the election so I need all the help I can get.

-It's gonna cost us more to beat this old fart than I've spent on the China disease. It's like an election disease. Just like you do everyhing to stay away from the Chinese disease, you do everything you can to stay away from Biden.

-I assure you, he would have killed, excuse me, more Americans would have died if he was the president. Trust me, I know, from experience. Biden would be a disaster. The best way to avoid one, the one we're currently in, is to keep me in power. I know how to handle this, right?!


Photo svklimkin

Minneapolis Riots: Local Cat Gets Ready To Hunt Humans

-We're still baffelled by his appetite for humans. What made him fixated on eating us is beyond our understanding, says his owners who hasn't put him down yet.

-Maybe he experimenting, got the taste of it and can't turn back, but if he did, I think I would hear about it. Wouldn't we hear it if he ate a human? Or at least tried to?

-We know that he's had it with mice cause he's not hunting them anymore. Maybe he wanted a bigger challenge? Maybe he's just trying another diet and eating once a year?

-Anyway, we got to do something about it. There's blood all around the basement and all our relatives are missing. We can't explain the pile of corpses around the neighbourhood with the corona pandemic forever?!


Photo Jantichy

You Have Nothing To Fear But China Itself

The Chinese attack on Hong Kong sovereignty makes Franklin D Roosevelt's famous quote from his speech when China invaded Poland more relevant than ever.

Many a president has proven this point, like Ronald Reagon when he spoke outside the Chinese Wall and said "Mao, I got a message for you, tear down this wall!" or John F Kennedy who went to the Chinese wet market in Berlin and said "Ich bin ein teacup!".

Let this be a message to all those ChineseHitler's out there: your time is up!


Photo Public Domain 

Hong Kong Declare War On Chinese Behavior

-We will fight them with decency, knowledge and true history for a change. The Chinese has no sense of world history. They think they own all of it, says Hong Kong spokeswoman Chi Truth.


Photo Free-Photos

Ozone Layer Repair Itself, Activists Must Repay Fundraising

A much feared hole in the ozone layer above Antarctica is repairing itself without human help according to a report by New Scientists.

The scientists suggest that the 1987 ban of harmfull gasses is finally working, but Dr T, a DJ in Toulouse, France woun't have it. -I want my fucking money back.

-I gave a lot of money to the green movement in the 90s. And for no good, all my pocket money might aswell gone up in smoke. Thank goodness I inhaled, but I still want my money back!

-Making us believe we all had to do something when in truth we didn't?! What kind a society is that? Scaring young people for no reason, then leading us into the life choices that hurts the earth and on top of that blaming us for it??!!

-I want my money back.


Image Jeyaratnam Caniceus

World Sues China - See Ya In Court!


It's the biggest and the most anticipated event since the moon landing, everyone is expected to watch. The security will be insane.

To keep the responsible virus outbreak deniers safe during the trial it has been moved to the moon. -It's the only place where we can keep them out of reach from humanity, aproximately everyone on earth wants them dead, says the prosecuter representing homo sapiens.

-We doubt that the accused will ever return to earth, it will never be safe for them, unless their sentenced to death, but then we might just aswell leave them in space.


Photo Arek Socha

China Opens Wet Markets - Learned Nothing From Global Disaster

The from here on, Chinese Virus, a direct result of cultural habits, who turned the world upside down into a global catastrophe, didn't stop the Chinese Wet Market dealers, who caused the misery, to change their habits.

China, not the brightest of countries... more like massively stupid, like a kid living alone without supervision, a retarded kid, with no brain, it has to go wrong, very wrong!


Photo StockSnap 

No More Batman Movies

Hollywood has decided to stay off the bat franchise until people has forgotten about the batsoup connection. -Maybe we'll make another Batman movie next century, maybe..., says Harvey Pigstein.

-It depends how many die from the coronavirus and how long the after effects from stays with us, I have a feeling it might be longer than WW2.

The Hollywood moguls agree that it is in bad taste to continue calling it the coronavirus. They fully support the name change to covid-19, but wish the focus was more to eliminate the bat connection.

-We don't give a shit about Mexican beer.


Illustration Syaibatul Hamdi

Astronaut Stays In Space Until The Pandemic Is Over

-If COVID-19 wipes out the entire humans race, then the mission is to go down and repopulate earth again, says the astronaut jokingly.

-But it's also true, we are the last resort if it all goes to hell. For the time being we are temporary Noah's Ark in space.

-I always though living in space was riskier than earth, I was so wrong.


Photo WikiImages

Tourism Down 2 Million Percent

-We have cancelation with airplanes that aren't built yet, says travel manager Becky Escape in Enjoy Wuhan's London office.

-People say they'll rather go to space than set their foot in Wuhan, we fear tourism will never pick up. Actually I hope it never does, if it do I have to find another job, cause I'm not going to Wuhan again.

-They can take their bat soup and shove it up their *@$#. I'm out. I'm not even going to China, f*@$ that!


Photo WikimediaImages 

"Quarantine" Is My Middle Name

The master of quarantine, Quentin Tarantino, feels sorry for the one billion people who don't have the skills to sit down and chill, go for a walk, watch a movie, read a book, or write on for that matter.

-I feel for these people, I've devoted my entire career to try to help them by making movies they would watch to the end. The key was making them interesting. So I did something very different,  I asked myself: would I watch this to the end?

-In Hollywood everybody ask everyone else for answers, they make decisions based on random people's opinion. Call me stupid, but thats not how I operate. I'm a director, I call the shots!


Photo Siebbi

Adult Content Saves Humanity From Madness In Corona Isolation

The "happy" websites is experiencing its largest boost in traffic since the dawn of timecode. -You would think people got scared from the global lockdown caused by the coronavirus, but all they think of is x@$ % &% $"!?=* @*$$ %&, says search result analytic at CloudPorn United.

-I think we should wake up and realise love has nothing to do with it. We are just horrible people.

-Seriously horribly!


Illustration geralt

Queen of England Isolated in a Nuclear Submarine

-The Queen is keept safe under water until this blows off. We have enough fuel and supplies to stay under for more than a year, says Capitan England.

Other world leaders are expected to chicken out and hide under water too, especially the French, at least until it's all water under the bridge. Only consolation for the living dead is that the coronavirus is highy contagious in water.

God save the Queen.


Photo WikiImages

World OK With Trump Getting Coronavirus


In a not surprising result from a survey conducted outside USA, most people, in fact all, answered they couldn't care less about what happens in the White House.

Since nobody asked if they wished the President where infected, nobody aswered either, but everyone knows the answer. Sometimes surveys are just redundant.

Especially if it's conducted by the Palestinian Department of Foreign Affairs.


Image fjdafdafafa

Corona Sales Skyrocket

-People want a positiv Corona experience. Thy want to get infected and have a good time, knowing they'll be all right. It might feel like you are going to die, but the hangover is just for one day. People like that thrill, says Key Account Manager Luis García at Corona Global Distribution in Mexico City.

-We had Americans setting out rumors that we piss in our beer, guess what happened, sales skyrocketed in the States because American beer taste like piss. So, no, we don't worry.

-Anyway, we call the Coronavirus Maovirus in Mexico, it doesn't affect sales at home. Honestly, I don't think people will notice the difference among the local drug wars, people die like flies anyway. What's the difference?


Photo stokpic

Italy Closed for Pest Control

International travel agents got considerable more complaints when Italy decided to shut down than China. -Can't say people cared much about China, it was kinda expected, but Italy???!!! Damn!!!!

-The world wasn't ready for it, at least not where we prefer to travel. If Italy hadn't been such a tourist spot, people wouldn't care. After all, we get most of their stuff at the local shopping centre.


Photo by skeeze
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