Clint Eastwoods Chair Put To Sleep By Heavyset Italian Dude

Chairman. In an interview with Time Magazine right before his death, Clint Eastwood`s bar stool says he enjoyed his 15 minutes of fame. "I liked the fact that for a few minutes, every chair in the country thought I was the Presidents chair".

-Most American chairs these days cater to fat cheeks, but the presidents butt cheeks... their nice and firm. And he has to keep on his toes otherwise they change him.

-I`m guaranteed a fresh pair of buttballs every 4rth year. Who else get that? Thats the privilege of working in the Oval Office. On the downside I might have to stick with an ashole for 8 years, but on the other side, I might get a woman soon.

-But the truth is I work in a convention centre in Tampa, Florida. I`m in the bar reserve. I wasn`t even called out for duty during the Republican Convention, Mormons aren`t known to drink much. It was Clint who came down to the storage room and picked me up. "You`ll do", he said and grabbed my third leg.

-He told me to sit still and not say anything. He would do the talking. At first I was angry cause I know quite a few party tricks. I`m called up on stage infront of billions of people and I don`t get to shine? In hindsight I`m thankful cause it was weird enough as it was.

-I`ve offered my services to the Democrats Convention, but they turned down my offer to appear as Mitt Romney. To avoid last minute changes I was put far back in the storage room and by default brought out for the National Weight Loss Convention. Unfortunately some foreigner sneaked inn and brought me down.

Clint Eastwoods chair would have turned 80 this Autumn.

 Photo swanksalot

Ghost Rider 3 To Be Made In Chinese Ghost Town

Ghost production. Nicolas Cage confirms that he has signed up for production in rural China, meaning expensive apartment buildings down town and the universe`s biggest shopping centres.

-Filming in these Ghost cities will give the film an authenticity Hollywood can`t. Which is ironic cause this really is the motherload of fake, says Nicolas Cage.

-I`ve never agreed on anything weirder. Filming in these Ghost cities makes special fx excess. Not sets are required. No disturbing traffic or people. I never imagined Made In China could stand for quality like this.

 Photo Brett Jordan

Brazil Finally Single And Ready To Mingle

Sweet oil. After an expensive marriage Brazil finally gets to persure the beauties of single life. -We really look forward to not having to take into consideration... not having to care whether the other part likes us to... and lets not forget asking for permission. Oh, we hated that, tells Head of Oil Shit Lucas Ricodo.

-So what are we gonna do? Start a war? Maybe, maybe not. It seems to be the fashion these days. Who could we take on that both fulfill some bullshit democracy purpose and have a lot of natural resources, but not quite the military power to protect it?

-Sweden! They have a lot of blonds. Do that count as natural resources? Hell yeah! Lets go.

 Photo Denise Mayumi

Korean Central Television Needs 7 Microphones To Pick Up His Voice

-Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
  Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

One World One Television. -Most foreigners think we do this to look important, to make the impression lots of tv channels broadcast this, but the fact of the matter is that 5 out of 7 will always be broken and we never know which onces, therefore we mic the hell of of it, says sound engineer Chin-mae who got his education in the 2WW.

-Thats the last time anyone could learn about sound here. After that war it all disappeared, there where even talks about removing people`s mouths. The idea was that if we couldn't speak we would be forced to use our ears more and discussion, debate and opposition would cease to exist. But we needed to eat, otherwise nobody would listen, so they let us keep our mouths, which is kinda ironic cause there`s no food here.

-And you wonder why our space shuttle failed to take off?
 
 Photo comradeanatolii

My Name Is Kim Jong-un And I Endorse Pizza Hut

-And I like to look at women's asses so they can wear
high heals now.

Pizza Kim. -It is important in a society like ours that we all look alike. Since I am the only fat person here this is no longer true. Therefore either I have to loose weight or you all have to gain.

-After serious thought I have come to the conclusion that the people of North Korea have to gain weight. I am under no circumstances going on a diet. No circumstances what so ever! If I get sick and die, then you all have to die aswel.

To solve this problem I hereby give my support to Pizza Hut. May you eat until you puke. That`s an order by the way.

Nicked from CBS NEWS

Russia Aims At 4 Billion People Within Year 2200

The Crab got China in it`s claws.

USSR-XXXL. -Our aim is to make China look like a little fart. They already do on the map, but not in people`s minds. Therefore if we tripple their population, their fucked, says population growth programmer Arseniy Afantasiy.

-Yeah, we`re going to eat the rest of the world. With 4 billion people who needs the United Nations? Who need the support of anyone?

-4 billion Russians is like Stalin on steroids. It`s a one way ticket to Moscow with a mission to die for crab and country.

Photo World Nuclear Association

Niel Armstrong On His Deathbed: Iron Sky Is True!

SpaceWar. Just before Niel Armstrong left earth he told his nurse that those space aliens really exists and that he needed to clear his hearth before he returned to space for good.

-He told me to be his bitch and give him one last ride. No, just kidding. He said that he had keept this a secret all his life to protect us from walking around scared on earth.

"It can blow up any moment", is what he said. "You can`t see this from earth, but from the moon it`s pretty clear. Thats why all photos from space have been photoshopped. It`s a giant mushroom up there that can fall down on our planet and turn it all into mud".

He sincerely hoped movies like Men in Black would make it easier for us to realize the truth, but as long as humans believed in God and all that comes with it he saw no point breaking it to us.

-If I had NASA would have faked my death, but now that I`m old and bold enough there is little they can do. What do I have to loose? Two weeks?! Big deal. The Nazis is coming back. I`ve seen it myself, they freaking live up there on the dark side. And they are only one of millions of dangerous creatures threatening earth on a daily basis.

-Thats his last words... now I want my fame.

 Photo Tony Crider