Putin Is The World's Hottest Asset At The Meat Market

Groupies. Voted the most powerful man in the world by Forbes Magazine and single, not that married makes a difference, but it makes it official, make him a steaming hot bachelor.

-Gold diggers are all around him. Luckily for them, they don't understand politics, if they did, they would never dare to flirt with these guys, says editor in sperm Filthy Valentina at Digg It.

-Obama turned the political stage into a rock star arena, Putin is only keeping up with the times, says Digg It's political babbler Troy Stupid.

-He's got nukes and thats sexy. A lot of gold diggers looks for a man with nuclear weapons. It's a sign of strength. Some play chess, others blow shit up.

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David Beckham: -It's Not Hamlet

One Thousand and One Balls. -I didn't even write it. I've too busy playing football, but I want the money. I want to milk the market for everything I'm worth before I dry up, says Beckham.

-What separates my story from all the other sporting biographies is that mine is not so much about what you read, it's more about what you see. The pictures are fantastic.

-I don't know how much my four hundredth biography will sell, but we expect it to be in the top 50. If it doesn't, there no worry, I got at least another 200 biographies in me. We're shopping around already for new ghostwriters who can tell my story again from a new commercial angle.

-I've enjoyed this process so much. I love photography. I should be a writer.

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Bruce Willis Talks About The Gunfire At LAX

Fly Hard. -Get over it. One man down. It's nothing. It wouldn't get me out of bed, says Bruce to the Airport Channel.

-You need bigger crooks to get my attention.

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Bassem Youssef Taken Off The Air. Egypt, You Got A Long Way To Go

Springtime for Hitler. -Bassem Youssef has left the building and is on his way to the United Arab Emirates, says audience manager Rafael at CBC studios in Cairo.

-You are free to stay, but the army is coming in 2 minutes to clear the area and destroy all remains of the show.

-Yes, you will die if you stay. Any more question? No, there is no prosecution waiting for Bassem Youssef if he returns. He will be executed on site.

-No, John Oliver is not welcome to take his spot while he is gone. A British comedian? Are you mad?

-Yes, we could build 5 hospitals with the money we currently spend to get Bassem Youssef's face off the earth. If you count the entire run of his show it's closer the half the military budget, 75% is closer to half.

-We have always seen him as a bigger threat to the Middle East than Saddam, Assad and the Ayatollah put together. We can't publicly put out a fatwa on him. We need the foreign aid too much, but we all have wet dreams about it and if we pull the plug he is the first to go.

-No, previous seasons will not be syndicated. There will be no reruns - ever! The Bomb Squad is eliminating the episodes as we speak.

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George Lucas Played Bass Guitar In Space Monkeys

-I wrote Han Solo with myself in mind. He had several huge gangbang
scenes that was, off course, never intended for the movie.

The Last Temptation Of Lucas. The former unknown band member played the bass guitar in all the original recordings and stage performances.

-We had an actor faking it on stage. It was a bit of a hassle when we went on tour cause he had to shut up about it, but in the studio recordings nobody cared, says manager Tyler Bullshit.

George threw millions into making a hologram bassist to see how far he could take it before anybody sniffed it's the Star Wars guy who's playing the strings.

-After touring with the hologram for 5 months he wanted to create an inception player for mass audiences. It was about that time we split up. We had it up to here with his tricks. "Can't you just play like the rest of us". "No, I've had it with fame" he said and walked away.

-He's the only person I've meet who's said that and meant it, from the bottom of his heart, not the top of his brain. I was so taken away I checked myself into rehab even I don't have a drug problem. I needed to fake something major to go that deep.

-Off course I forgot everything when I left the resort. The treatment centre refused to rehabilitate me cause I had no drug problem according to them. When I told George, he stopped answering my calls and we never played again, except in my dreams. He made a dream player, that bastard.

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Chinese Security Organ: -Littering Is An Act Of Terrorism

Literally. -It undermines everything we fear. It's an attack on our values. It suggest we are filthy. It's damaging our self image and hygiene, says official sources.

Every Chinese agree that litter terrorists should be killed before any prosecution takes place.

Even dead people agree.

-But their difficult to catch cause they operate in small cells, sometimes pocket cells. And tracking down a solo trash bomber is virtually impossible, says the same same, but different source. So how can they stop them before they commit acts of littering?

-We do random mass killing. Statistically we will kill a terrorist now and then. One in a million definitely has the potential to become one and one is one many. One for all, all for one.

Photo IvanWalsh.com

NSA Boss: -I've Seen Better Days

Cry vs Cry. -You should thank us Merkel. Do you know how boring it is to listen to your rants? You never stop, God dammit. Do you have to make every deal on the phone? Can't you use some face time and save us the work, says NSA Boss Keith Alexander.

-We're not doing it for fun, if we where we would have tapped the porn industry, but there's no terrorists there, bitch, excuse my language, madam.

-We kept an eye on you after the first world war, but you f@king managed to start a second one didn't you. So don't give us bullshit for paying attention. Who want that mayhem again?

-Listen, everybody's doing it, we're just better at it so stop whining.

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