TRUMP DRUNK IN STRIPBAR OUTSIDE WASHINGTON

WTF???!!!

 
In the early hours of Tuesday a local barmaid got tired of Trumps abusive behavior and called the cops. -It happened about the same time he ran out of money, says Jack the bar owner. He got her to strip for him. He got all the women to strip for him. Afrer a few hours a few men too, he was so drunk he couldn't tell.

-The madness started last Thursday, a rather old car pulled up and out stepped this pompus ass, and fu*$ me it was the former President! He was already drunk, he wobbled in and smashed a table and asked for directions, then he fell asleep.

-He asked how to get back in time and the best answer I could give him was beer. When he woke up, he really took it to heart. I didn't think he was listening, snoring and all, but as soon as he woke up, I mean fell down his chair, he took to my advice and went for it. 
  

Photo Andi Koslowski

Scientific Breakthrough: Humans Evolved from THIS Monkey

Sick!!!!! 


Bernie the monkey has no clue of the recent revelation done by Japanese scientists at Tokyo Zoo. -He is the father of civilized humans and here we are captivating him.., ups, delete that last remark please, says the media relations contact who recently was promoted monkey manager.  

-I know it's hard to believe, but if you look at what humanity has done since Bernie was born and compare it with what went one before it's pretty obvious. It's like you can't tell the difference between mokeys an humans before he showed up. 

-I think we should all take Berine to heart and follow his footsteps to a better future. He leads through example: he doesn't throw plastic in the ocean, he doesn't pollute the atmosphere with petrol engines, he doesn't wear a gun, he's the perfect human. 


Get Away Car Driver Never Use Home Delivery

 It's about honor


-I never use the Post Office and certainly not email, sms, phone calls.. you know, anything that leaves a trail. If you want to catch me, you got to find me, says Dick Johnson, or Ridiculous Johnson on the streets. 

The downside is that potential employees can't find him either, so he's kinda stuck in this limbo of looking for work, but not being able to leave contact details. -Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous, but if I'm
going to rob a bank successfully, I can't give my whereabouts away. 

Dick can't remember last time he did a "job" cause he's never acctually done one. -It's a tough business to get into, not to say work your way up in. Financially I got to rob a bank to be able to stay in the game. 

The thought of going solo has crossed his mind over the years, that and taking the driving license and fixing up the car and get some new tires. -But then I got to rob a bank, so I'm waiting to see what happens. Like a stake out. Which is not that different from the real thing. 


Broke Covid Rule: Accused of Mass Murder

 Killing Grandma!


Bombay, India. A total of 500 young adults in the Indian megacity went nuts in an underground party at a skyscraper downtown. The Police recieved concerned calls from the public in what they though was a local earth quake. 

-The building was shaking. So we evacuated the area and wow, did we get a surprise went our task force entered the building. We had to do something drastic to change the game, says Mumbai City Police media relations officer Kiran Parashar. 

-We have lots of money, we are contected, why should we not do this? says Sonia Mehra, member of the ultra rich elite who practically own Mumbai. Well.., that was the thinking before hell broke loose. Now it's all about making sure this never comes to trial. 


Photo Bashkar

Everyone Leaves When Leo Farts

-He's an animal in bed!


Townsville, Australia. We have fart exits in every room, it's like living in a firestation, with a pyroman loose in town. You never get a full night's sleep. We might have to put the cat to sleep, but that would be unfair, then he gets to sleep, says Charlotte, who is married to Noah and have 2 children together, plus 8 from 3 previous marriages.

-The cat came with the house, it's an abandoned old Queenslander in a runned down neighbourhood. Nobody came close to the house, people took detours to avoid the stank, when we found out it was the cat, we thought, we're not pussies are we? It turned out we where.

With the house for free, the family of 12 finally got a roof over their heads. -We used to live in the bush, just outside town, it was too humiliating to live in the streets, but when we lost Lucas to the rats, we had to do something, without getting caught of second degree murder, of course, for the second time...


Photo LeFrolin

Builds Public Toilet Where Trump Held a Speech

 And encourage others to do the same!


-I even tell people to find out where he most likely will be buried and start pissing. Give him a warm welcome! says Bob the plumber who has been seriously ashamed of being a Republican for the last 5 years. It has felt like when my wife caught me with her dentist everyday. I got such a headache. 

Trump Toilets are so in sync with what Trump stood for because he was so full of shit. The toilets must have been packed wherever he spoke. Can you believe it? The crowds took in all that shit. Time in and time out. It was like a shit machine. So much shit flying around nobody noticed when it hit the fan. 

The Trump Toilets will be free to use and drug addicts are welcome to shoot their needles in our booths. Our doors are also open for homeless people. Every one who got their life kicked in by that son of a bitch can come and pay their disrespect for free!


Astronaut Fired: Was Too Down To Earth

Chill... 


Binge-watching Friends in space might have been the drop that made Control terminate the mission. -We're not sending astronauts in space to bond. They got a job to do and it's nota  8-5 situation, it's a 24-7-365 non-stop no questions asked, thank you.

The astronaut, who's known for throwing great parties, both on earth and in space, says in a party invitation in the International Space Station this Saturday that Command has no jurisdiction in space and that he has prepared the event carefully. -All the weed is grown in space. 

However, he do admitt he likes a bit of danger. -I have experimented and synthesized well known earth drugs and made new mutant space editions. I really look forward to trying them this weekend. I think it's going to be a blast.

-And if I don't make it in time to work Monday morning, cause my space hangover has gone galaxtic, who cares, we don't follow earth time here. It's space, bitch!


Space Photo Ricky Arnold NASA
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