Engine break down

Crack car. -I was out driving when the car broke. After 10 years of no trouble it stopped completely. Like it was made to shut down on the second after 10 years, says Janet.

-I`m installing a timer or an alarm clock on the next car. Anything who gives me 5 seconds to get out of the road before it expires.

Photo bettyx1138

DepthPal

Finance friend. In bad times we all need a friend. Why not have one when your broke?! A friend who takes care of your mortgages and make sure there is always room for more. A friend who doesn`t know how to say no or have the hearth to tell you your being f@#ked. After all, what are friends for if you can`t take them down with you?

Photo iliveisl

Action pizza

Trigger sauce. -Most of our customer have no idea this place can blow up any minute. Thanks to a dreadful advertising campaign we are still in business. Every now and then we got a thrill seeker who wanted to test their limits. We had a special arrangement with the Bosnian mafia to cater for their needs, says the manager and money laundrist Stefan.

-Last time they robbed the place, one customer was so pleased he fired 12 bullets in our cash register. The others  didn`t share his enthusiasm and called the cops. It made the national news. We thought that was it, but no, thats when it took off. Everybody wanted a piece of the action pizza. We decided not to talk about the 200kg of explosive hidden in the basement cause it`s bad for business. It would hurt sales. Nobody has ordered or asked what a suicide pizza is anyway. I prey to God 5 times a day nobody will. It would ruin us rebuilding not only our reputation, but the restaurant as well. After 4-5 pizza`s we`d be out of business for good, if we even survive.

Photo erix!

Oprah left a black hole in afternoon television

The O Factor. -Programming eats up everything we replace it with. It get`s sucked inn. Nothing lasts. It all disappears. How are we going to fill it? How can we stop this vacuum from destroying us? We though the audience was watching tv, but they where watching Oprah?! When she walked away they turned it off?? I never thought of that before, says head of programming at NBC, Larry Stupid.

-We don`t even know what they do? They turned their remotes on us and zapped out without even leaving a note. What can we tell our sponsors? 25 million viewers walked out?! We tried everything to keep their attention. From tri-lesbinans to a bisexual horse host the show, nobody noticed - not even the horse. What is this world coming to? Sanity?!

Photo thebadastronomer 

Follow that phone!

iChase. Hollywood screenwriters has been instructed to change the classic scene where the hero jumps into a cab and says "Follow that car" to "Follow that phone".

So many people use Google Map App these days having a car chase is redundant. What the audience want to see is a phone chase, who cares about cars anymore. Their too expensive. Fuel prices and taxes has made them into anti-status symbols, like "What chain do you drive?". It`s why people tint their windows, they don`t want to be seen in a car. And they listen to the radio for the same reason, to forget that their even in one.

Photo Wesley Fryer

Alice in Dangerland

Army of weirdness. Disney is making a sequel to the smash box office hit Alice in Wonderland starring Johnny Depp. Tim Burton, who directed the original, again, could not believe his ears when the Disney execute said he wanted to set it inn Afghanistan. -Are you weirder than me? was his spontaneous response. -Yes, I run this company:)

Burton agreed to do the movie on two conditions, prepay and 100% creative disclaimer. The project has already gone into production and the premiere is set for 2014. -We have to get our crew out of Afghanistan before that. If not it will be a mess. We need to edit the footage before the opening night, says Burton on satellite phone. We don`t have a script. We didn`t plan anything. It`s going to be a new Apocalypse now.

Photo schulz'

Fox seek news extras

News audition. -We are driving around the country and stopping in every major city. If you think you got what it takes to make the headlines, come show us your talent. We need people who can do school shootings, angry Arabian and "He ran that way!" White women are encouraged to apply, says Fox news producer Albert Truth.

Photo Vincent Desjardins