EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE VIRUS

What the hell do you want?



Same as everyone else, more!

Who are you?
If I knew that, I might have been able to do something about it. 

You do understand you'll go down in history as one of the absolute worst things that ever happened?
I kinda do, yeah.

How do you feel about that?
Like a psychopath, I guess... Hard to tell, not great with feelings.

Did you have a difficult childhood?
Yes. I was born in a cave and raised by bats. You can say I have a lot of baggage.

Why earth?
Why not? Good as any.

Why now?
Would tomorrow suit you better?

How does the vaccine make you feel?
Terrible.

Why don't you give up?
It's kinda hard to stop these things once you started it.

One last wish before we wipe you out?
I know it's not on the table, but I'd prefer the electric chair. 


This interview was translated into human language by computers.


Secret Service Relieved Trump Lost

Agent admit more comfortable with failure under Trump.

-It's a miracle he's still alive.


Can't Do Blackface, Can't Do Whiteface

Guess I Have To Use My Own Face..

 -It's so much easier to be alive if I don't have to be myself, you know what I mean?! It's sort of all figured out beforehand. I don't have to think. Just copy the people around me. Don't have to deal with everyday life. I can forget my problems and have a ball, says Donald Clusterfok from Ohio.
 
-The people at these meetings respect me when I'm someone else. We never talk about the dumb shit I do, like crashing my car in a boat. We focus on other peoples dumb shit and that has made me realize that even though I fired a gun at the rescue truck, I'm still better than those other idiots.

A lot better! 

-We have a saying here, "Fuck you!", and that really resonates with me. "Ey! Fuck you, man!" It really sums up everything. "Fuck you, and you and you and you!". Life is so much easier in black and white. I don't want to add color. I want to keep it simple. I like the mask on. I'm not one of those who go to McDonalds Drive Thru to buy complicated food.

-I'm hungry. I need to take a dumb, says Donald before he carries on with his life.


Photo Martin 

Trumps True Identity Revealed When Receiving Oxygen Through His Breathing Mask

As if getting your President infected with covid-19 wasn't enough, America was hit with another shock when his true identity leaked. The treatment made it impossible to keep it a secret. Trump has been on oxygen his whole life. He is Darth Vader.

-This explains everything, says a White House journalist. Now at least we know...


Photo Jordy

Bank Robbers Take to Face Masks

 

-It brings back the feeling of the good old days, even though I do most my steeling online these days, it's all very nostalgic to me, says Antonio Cho, who's robbed God knows many innocent people. 


-I spread fear, it comes with the job, but at least I don't have to feel guilty about passing on a deadly virus. That would be an insult. What I do causes enough harm as it is.

-As a bank robber I understand the virus, the motiv is not to kill, its a side effect. The goal is to grow, get rich, bigger, have more... death and destruction is just a necessary byproduct to reach that goal. If I could do it without I would. 

-But I can't. And that's where you and I have differ.


Photo pisauikan

Trumps Brain Possessed By The Devil

 

What the world needs now is an exorcism, not an election, otherwise we're doomed, says scientists at the covid-19 research senter in Ballahama. 

You know, we got a lot of heavy equipment here, stuff that the outside world doesn't know exist. When Trump was here, stuff went off that more alarming than the coronavirus. The guy's possessed. 

Normally people prefer to be anonymous when making public accusations like this, but this is not the case with the scientists at the covid-19 research centre.

-We hate the guy. He's horrible. Everybody knows. What is there to be afraid of coming forward? The whole world hates him. The guys's a lonatic. More people will die from the presidents rage than covid-19. We got to get this guy out of office before he brings the devil to the White House.


God Gives Up On Earth, Builds New Planet Outside Berkshire

-It went alright untill you muffs went into space. You're not ready for the answears. Why do you have to ask so many questions all the time?! Curiosity was a massive mistake, I guess all of human kind was. Not doing that again, says God to the local newspaper in Berkshire. 

The new planet will according to Berkshire Post, named New Earth, like New York, just bigger, but without humans, off course.

An official date for the launch is yet to be set, but expected soon. Around the time we screw it up apparently. -I should have done this lightyears ago, says God. Now I run the risk of getting it all wrong again with another fast planet. I should have done this slow... to aviod the obvious. 


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