Vladimir Putin Stunt Doubles For James Bond

Vladimir Seven. -They where in the area and I looked at them filming this train takeover sequence and told them "this is not how you do it, reload your cameras and I`ll show you", says Vladimir Putin to Prouda.

-These acting people have no experience in the field of espionage. Even the stunt people are a bit phoney. I mean, they got balls, but they are very tiny. Tiny little girlie balls. Like ping pong balls, you squeeze them a little it`s only air inside, not hardboiled macho juice.

-When you hijack a train like this you have to go in with the mind off a killing machine. You can`t think about PG-13. I`ve done the stunts for Craig Daniel in all the Bond movies since Pierce Brosnan left. You might have noticed they are a bit rocky.

-I had time off since leaving office, Eon where rebooting the Bond franchise. I could no longer do my usual stunts for Mother Russia. You know, lets put two and two together.

-I wonder whats gonna happen now when Im back running Russia. I can`t double for Bond anymore. It`s not good for reputation. With all due respect I hope the next instalment doesn`t turn out like a Skyfall, but I`m afraid it might since I`m not in it. Well I am for 2 minutes. So there is hope.

 Photo Edmond Wells

China Legalize Cannibalism In Case Of Famine

Eat your way to the top. The Communist Party announced in a public broadcast that it`s better some survive. Some as in party members of the elite. The higher up in the party ranks you are, the higher up in the food chain you get.

-When earths natural resources are all tied up, a nation has two options. Send solders to fight for more or eat them. We choose to eat them. Killing armies of "cattle" seems like a waste of human resources to us. Instead of dying on the battlefield, they could die in the slaughterhouse.

Photo pasukaru76

Jeff Hates It When His Co-worker Doesn`t Wash His Feet

-Where did I leave my pyjamas?

Dildo head. -I hate that smell. It`s a weird combination of urine and I don`t know what. He must have had a difficult childhood, says Jeff who strongly regret selling his house in Florida and moving to Japan.

-I should have stayed in that dump. When you got co-workers like this, it`s better to be a big fish in a small pond than a little fish in a big pond.

-I could have eaten him if I was a whale or got rid of him if I was the local shop manager, but here I got to swallow his smelly scent every time I breath cause I`m only a fish clerk.

-After a 12 hour shift working with fish and feet I go straight to the saki bar and get loaded. My goal in life is to smell worse than Han Sang and I think I can outstink him so massively I loose my working permit and get sent back to the US for attempted chemical attack.

-I can`t afford the return ticket, I blew it all on porn, all 7 million of them, so this is my only hope. Winning the lotto can be a curse, especially when you`re like me, 65 years old with no responsibilities. It`s a dangerous age cause we don`t give a fuck. What do I got to lose, bitches!

Photo octal

He Meant The Profit, Not The Prophet

Many great books have been written in this sand. The
world`s biggest library according to locals. Bring your
binoculars and vivid imagination and get lost! 

Cash cow. It`s talked about as the most devastating spelling mistake in the history of the world. The one crucial moment where the Prophet Muhammad turned to his speechwriters and said "Follow the profit".

It was a very strong wind in the dessert that day so the correct pronunciation got lost in the sand.

Nobody believed he meant profit and with a 100% fall in arab sales around the world 1500 years later, they still don`t.

-I`m not a bloody capitalist, but I believe in believing. So trust me when I say I don`t care, cause I don`t. I follow the money, says MM aka modern muslim.

Photo oarranzli

Japanese Fish Shop Sells Shoes To Idiots

Conflict fish. -We tell them thats the way they are these days and if we sniff a customer from China we make sure to dip them in nuclear water first, says Oh My God It`s Ho.

-It doesn`t stop there. We sell sandals to really stupid idiots and when we get a total retard in the shop I tell them we`re sold out, but they can lick my feet for 5 dolla.

-If I got a nickel every time I pulled that off, it would be bad for business. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Photo 007 Tanuki

Mad Men Is Retitled Ordinary People In The Middle East

-I`ll take the usual satisfaction of my male ego, please.

Man men. -There is nothing mad about this show. This is the America we want, says terrorist Ali.

-We have gives the show many prizes. The Academy of bombs and literature find it very amusing. You push liberty down our throats and celebrate "how horrible it was" at the same time. It`s a very popular show here, yes.

Photo Art of the Tittle

Stephen Hawking Is Mars Counterpart To NASA`s Curiosity

The Grand Scam. He is not here to figure out whats out there in the Universe, he`s checking out our planet right in from of us.

Imagine yourself if you worked at Mars Space Centre and had to develop a rover for earth where there is 7 billion humans who would smash anything terrestrial. You don`t make one who looks like NASA's Curiosity.

Photo NASA