Stuffed a turkey down O'Reilly's throat to shut him up.

Christmas turkey. The cameraman on The O`Reilly Factor got enough with the raging racist rants. -He`s spews racism. I couldn`t take it anymore, it was either him or me.

Arriving at the hospital Bill O`Reilly was treated by a muslim doctor who`s also had it up to here with his agression, particularly towards Islam. -I looked at him and so no reason to help him. He could breath through his nostrils. We let him walk around the hospital with the turkey out of his mouth. He looked like siamese twins.

It wasn`t until a he passed a homeless man who hadn`t eaten for days he finally got it out. -It`s the best turkey I ever had. Fully marinated. Mmm mm mm.

Photo DonkeyHotey

Guest fell asleep at the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Too Late Show. -He fell asleep on the couch right after I introduced him, says the host. The actor, who will remain anonymous for legal reasons, was so tired he had trouble keeping awake backstage before the taping. Normally they wait in the greenroom, but we had to move him to the sleeproom.

-He sat there for 15 minutes before our stage technicians had to carry him out and drive him home. He sleept the whole way so they laid him in his bed and poured half a liter of water on his crotch as a thank you and goodbye.

-We heard the next day he hadn`t sleep for 3 days. He had a theory about method comedy and though it would be funnier if it felt real. I`ve never had so much fun in my life, which is why we can`t show the clip. It was too funny on his expense. The Late Late Crew filmed it with their phones. Even the audience began filming.

-The network axed it. But it was already on the web before we finished taping. There where nothing security could do except laugh, which they did.

Photo The Late Late Night Show with Craig Ferguson

Greece to turn into a black hole and swallow all of Europe.

Spit or swallow. -I certainly hope she`s a spitter, says the doomsday cat. I`m giving them one more chance to move in
the right direction. So for now I`m staying on the fence.

Next stop on my journey is Germany. Can`t take one without the other. These things go in pairs. Mjau!

Photo archer10 (Dennis)

Captain Corporate

The first surrender. After being deemed unfit for Wall Street, the morally corrupt, fucked up business man Allan Deranged volunteers for a top secret business project that turns him into Captain Corporate, a superego dedicated to defending Corporate's ideals.

Photo moonimage

Christian Bale caught stealing stuff on the set of the new Batman movie

The Dark Burglar. Warner Brother is shocked to hear Christian Bale is making his Batman movie. -We know nothing of this. There has been huge discussion about the script. A few fights and a blood spill, but thats nothing out of the ordinary when you hire film stars.

Christian Bale has a hole other take on the situation. -I`m gonna show those motherfcukers. They don`t know who their dealing with. I`m Christian Bale. I play Batman. They didn`t hire Batman to play me. They hired ME TO PLAY BATMAN!!! UUUAAEH!!!!

-AAAAAAA!!!!!!!! AAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!! UUUAAAAAGGHH! UARGH! AAAAAAAAA!! AAAAA !!! AAAAAAA!!!!! AAAAAAA!!!! AAAAARGH!!!!!!  RRRR!

-I`m shooting it on VHS to get that gritty look. And I`ve hired my nephew to do all the filming, editing, sfx blah blah blah. He understands me, he gets my greatness and he does what I tell him to otherwise I beat him up.

I should have starred in every box office hit in the last 20 years. And the onces before that. And the once before that again they shold have waited to make until I arrived caue it would be so much greater with ME IN IT!!! UUUUEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!



Photo Hot Rod Homepage/Thorsten Becker

Pornphone

One night call. As with computers, sex is becoming the unofficial main attraction with smartphones. With apps like bangtime, shagfeeds and direct intercourse, listening to other conversations might not be as irritating, but definitely distracting.

People aren`t tied down to laptops anymore. It`s a revolution. Many people haven`t walked since the pc. The computer freed us from living in our own imagination, but it demanded complete lack of movement. Then the laptops came and we could take that imaginary world with us anywhere, but we still had to sit. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we can surfwalk. God this feel like pre-pc!


 Photo MJ/TR (´･ω･)

Fans in shock after Lady Gaga took a dumb

The brown carpet. -She took off her dress, sat down like a donkey and shat on the red carpet. Then she picket up the poo with her doggy bag and placet it in her purse. How fcuked up is that? This whole breeze of silence hit the crowd and all the kids gaped asking for "Daddy...!", says a journalist and you know you can trust them.

-Yeah, we never lie, especially not about Gaga, what is there to lie about? She`s a Lady. I once heard she dated a monkey, but then I heard what he did to her and realized he was a monkey. I also think she went out with a chimpanzee.

-Rockstars are so well behaved today it`s refreshing with someone who remind us we`re all humans and not polished glossy photos. The word has it she`s coming out with the new fragrance shit. Apparently it smells like hell.

Photo lubigbig

WMA talked with Harper Publishing House about the book release of Breiviks 2083 – A European Declaration of Independence.

Evilvik. -Generally we don`t publish fifteen hundred page novels. We rarely go over 300 pages cause people go bored with it, especially these days. I doubt blowing up government buildings will help sales and don`t think killing innocent people helps either. I`ve never thought of it. We certainly don`t do book bombings and would never ever think off a killing tour. I predict it will be one of the least read book in the history of the written word. I mean, it`s not going anywhere. It will never reach number one at the New York Times best seller list. No book shop would ever sell it. It will probably be read by investigators and shrinks, but fifteen hundred pages? Come on!

Faksimile EDI

Incarnation of evil

Puppetmaster. Now that Breivik`s horrorshow is over, Norwegians ask themselves what the hell are they going to do with this motherfucker? Bury him in the centre of the world?

The forensic psychiatrist disagree wether to try rehabilitate evil or lock it up for good? -We don`t have much practice with Satan. Usually deranged humans lie on our couch, not the angels of death. There is a always the possibility he actually is an alien. I mean, hypothetically...

-I think we need to invent new language to understand his actions. It`s simply out off our reach. Maybe NASA should examine him or some top secret agency??? What do I know? He could always be used for testing biological weapons. There`s just something to this guy which makes me say and think things I`ve been against my whole life.

Photo ssoosay

Amy Winehouse took a trip to the other side

Last ecstasy. The singers travel agent confirms that she booked a one way ticket and that she did not plan any come back soon. Despite her many attempt journeys to the other side, her friends, family or management always persuade her into buying a return ticket. Or she simply missed the plane, but not this time. She arrived right on time... She will be missed.

Photo raymaclean

Norway has killed the terrorist about 2000 times

The most dead terrorist ever. Unofficial sources say the scheduled questioning tomorrow has to be postponed cause the police is not finished killing the guy. They say he has to die at least another 10.000 times before he faces the judge. If he ever will.

Right now their force feeding him like a chicken with dynamite. Thats what his prison food consists of. Highly carbonated explosives. And for dinner they jam a torpedo down his throat. Apparently now he`s more dead than bin Laden. You understand he needs some time to recover before questioning.

 Photo ssoosay

Norway to reissue death penality and seriously kill this motherfucker

Dead terrorist. The terrorist who exploded a bomb downtown Oslo and gunned down close to a hundred people at Utøya has been caught and will according to rumors seriously die. -We`re going to kill him many times, says a government insider. In fact we`re going to kill him one time for every person he killed. Then we`ll damage his body as much as he damaged those who survived and then we`ll blow him up for terrorist to see.

Photo johsgrd

Norway is still standing

The government remains. Norway`s war minister issued the following statement after the terror attack in Oslo:

To whom it may concern


You just fucked with the wrong people. We will hunt you down and shove a fucking nuclear bomb up your ass.

Photo Eric

China caught trying to eat Japan

One world, one plate. -We thought it was another earthquake or at least a  tsunami, says a food witness. Who could have guessed it was the Chinese? You just don`t prepare for that, neither physically or mentally.

-Thank god they still use chopsticks, can you imagine the damage if they all had knifes and forks? It would have been nothing left! They ate everything. My food, the fridge, my family pictures, my house... they even ate the car.

-One guy up on the hill filmed all of it. He threatened to upload it on youtube if they didn`t stop. Then they ate his camera and all other cameras and iPhones in miles distance before they left. It`s their tactic. To go in to devastated areas and do serious damage nobody can imagine in their wildest dreams. That`s how they get away with it.

Photo Kordian

Murdoch in an open interview with WMA: "I should have been a dictator first. Working my way up from nothing... what was I thinking?".

Emperor's new news. -Nobody messes with Putin or Berlusconi, says the media mogul. It`s not fair. Except for all the headline money I make on this phone hacking scandal. I probably cash inn more than I ever could on BskyB. And besides, I`m sick of everybody else taking the limelight. I want some headlines too. Have you meet my wife?

-When this scandal is over we`re releasing a sex tape on the web. That ought to get sales up. We`ll do the talk show tour, maybe an advertising campaign for viagra. We`ll see. I own the news. I can do whatever I want!!!

Photo david_shankbone

Bomb flakes

Breakfast funeral. The people at Kellogg`s has been real busy coming up with a breakfast cereal who will appeal to hardcore anti-Americans. -We want to capitalize on the hate, suicide bombing has been a trend for quite some time now and finally our marketing department found a way to cash in on it: We made it really crispy. It explodes in your mouth, says head at stupid.

-The slogan to our advertising campaign is "Blow up your family". Family first, right? And we swopped the Kellogg rooster on the carton with a ticking bomb to make it more appealing to young jihads. This is gonna be a killer at the market!

Photo theimpulsivebuy