Trump Fired Half The White House Staff -Old Habit

Trump logic. -I've ordered them to come back, if they don't show up on Monday I'll fire them, says Donald.

-I had one of my daily tantrums. Totally normal. I don't know what got over them. Can't have people like that in the White House. I'm doing America a favour. This is why we are so behind. We let the weak run this place. Totally stupid.

Photo White House

Shocking News: Santa Wants something In Return

X Games. This just in: for the first time in history, Santa wants a cut. He threatens go go on strike unless he gets a 20% stake of every gift he gives away.

In his defence he says, quote "What have you ever done for me?".

And continues: "None of you ever send me a Xmas card, it's all wish lists, it's all about you".

"You never give me anything and when you grow up you have the balls to don't even believe in me anymore".

"You grown ups are the scum of the world. Startings wars and doing everything I told you not to".

Photo Karen Warfel

Putin Urge Sanctioned Athletes To Apply For Asylum In Russia

Thai food. -We are a friendly country who include people of all walks of life, especially winners. If these other countries are so stupid to exclude the best of their own we are happy to take them, says Putin.

-I don't see doping as problematic, their sacrificing everything to win, including their health. Thats dedication and we praise dedication in mother Russia. Besides, life expectancy is 60 here, how bad can doping be compared to our regular food? Grow up.

Photo Kremlin

An Elephant Bribed Mugabe

Animal Fram. The President of Zimbabwe received the sum of 200 million dollars for making private arrangements for Dumbo. Dumbo, who has become filthy rich over the years since his movies went in syndication, is in Africa to make a new movie for Disney and wanted to quote "live life" while he was abroad.

-He wanted to do things that are illegal in the US. Things that I do all the time. He was willing to pay good money. I might be old, but I'm not dumb, says Mugabe.

Disney has decided to digitize the live action movie and release it as a Pixar animation. Dumbo is currently in rehab and unavailable for comment.

Photo Wikipedia

Norwegian Police Shuts Down Nightclubs for playing HipHop and R&B

Taste cops. What sounds like some shit the Nazi's could have done, is really taking place in Europe right now. While Germany forbid profiling years ago, knowing where that ends... Norway goes at it again.

They believe the music attracts wrongdoers. Like individuality is a thing of the past and young partygoers never caused trouble before hiphop entered the scene.

So if the kids can't go out and have fun, what are they going to do? Sit home and become terrorists? Lets guess how long it takes before the whole world ridicules Norway, again. 1 day..? 2 days..? WMA is waiting in awe!

Photo Blå

Car Accident Was Act Of Terror

Everything is Terror. -It's all terror, says the Transport Minister in Chile. -It's such a shame. My cousin was such a great stuntman and thrill seeker, there's nothing he wouldn't do to loose his mind.

-When acts of terror take people away from us, we must not give in, we must not change our ways by giving in to fear, then they win.

-We must not make better roads, we must prevail with our ignorance. Thats what terrorists are for and not only do they want the blame, they deserve the blame.

-Critics claim some people are plain nutcases and should not have access to certain things like vehicles or assault rifles, but I say: don't listen to them. Look at all the awful things the terrorist do. What difference does a little extra do? We don't know half the shit they do. So keep calm and carry on!

Photo Ralph Klein

Erdoğan is a Big Turkey

Gobble gobble. Following the President of Turkey's request to prosecute a German comedian Jan Böhmermann for making fun of him, Comics United has issued the following statement to all news agents, embassies and outdoor toilets:

Erdoğan is a wild Turkey who needs to be tamed and we encourage all walks of life to ridicule him, cause he is the Turkey President of the world!

Photo Kremlin.ru