Dilutes The Panama Canal

Sideways. Panama Canal's administrator Jorge Quijano ensures in a press conference they have enough water for the expansion. -We have plenty of access, on both sides, he says.

-The contractors strike about lack of funds to complete the canal. Let me put it this way. It's the hottest peace of property in the world. It's a money making machine who runs on water. We all want a bigger piece of the pie, but it's ours!

Photo Canal Museum

GILF Is The New MILF

Taking care of business. -We live longer. Beauty doesn’t stop at 30. It's not like you get 30 and it's 70 years of ugly. Each phase is longer, says Ethologist Diane Youngfeldt.

-If you crashed in a mammoths in 110 km/h... there's no coming back from that  - your food. Nowadays people survive plane crashes and get shocked if solders die in war?! Our society has become so cushy that men look at women and 20 years later check out their moms.

Photo Wikipedia

Angela Merkel Made Surprise Visit At The White House

Big Momma's House. -I put on my old lady outfit, left my cell phone at home and took a plane to Washington. Simple as that. I'm not a kind of person who attracts attention without my crew. I went on one of those tours and sneaked into the Oval Office. Boy, did I scare him.

-Next time I'll bring a German Rottweiler.

Photo arne.list

Tim Can Process 260 Terabytes Per Second And Ignore All Of It

Oh my God! - It goes straight trough like it's not happening. Living in suburbia, what good is a car to him? He'll never drive. Tim's ability to ignore what's not important is remarkable. He could take a dumb on a car and care less, says animal specialist Mumbo Jumbo.

-He's not wasting his life jumping for president, he knows it's not for frogs. He's just happy jumping.

Photo mikebaird

Russia Invades North Korea To Give Them Summer Olympics

Host nation. -With the kind of money we spend on the Winter Olympics we should easily carry that out and quite frankly, those kind of sums are reserved for war, says Putin.

-In 2024 we'll put on a great game and leave. Much better than building a democracy.

Photo Максим Рукомойников

Ben Affleck Puts On 40 Pounds To Play Fat Batman

-I'll take the whole menu, twice.

Superdupersize me. -Batman is smart enough to understand kryptonite is the only way to beat Superman. So I needed to give him another obstacle. I mean, Batman will find Kryptonite, says Ben.

Photo Samer M

Will Seth Meyers Be 60 When He Takes Over The Tonight Show?

Now or never. -People live longer, we have to accept that, says Lorne Michaels, NBC's king of late night comedy.

-Just kidding, we have no plans for Seth after the late show. By the time he's done he's too old for anything. If he screws up in 3 or 30 years, it doesn't matter. Nobody gives a 40 year old virgin a second chance.

Photo PandamicPhoto