The polar ice cap is melting for your safety

Global healing. With a growing population we need more freshwater. 2/3 of all drinkable water is tied up in these ridiculous ice mountains. Either stop complaining about global warming or sacrifice yourself. Donate your future water use by taking your own life. These drinks has been stored longer than any Whiskey bottle and don`t contain a drop of alcohol, we should price ourselves lucky it hasn`t gone bad.

Photo michael clarke stuff

Aliens love St. Patrick`s Day

Green card. -It`s the one time a year where we don`t feel like aliens, says Albert Green who came to earth in 1983. -I`ve been an illegal immigrant my whole life, jumping from planet to planet before I finally settled on earth. I figured out it can`t get any worse than this.

-I can`t speak for everyone, but I think aliens has an unfair reputation among humans. There is a certain stigma. I can feel it and thats why I don`t tell anyone I`m from planet Xorogon cause I sense it will not go well down with my co-workers.

-There are moment where I want to say the truth, like St. Patric`s Day when we are all dressed in green and doing stuff that is so alien to me. But whenever I do they always say, "You are so funny" or "You had too many pints of Guinness, lets take you home".

-A fellow alien of mine told his friends when he was sober and he was taken away the by white coats. It`s the golden rule among space immigrants, never when sober.

Illustration ClipartPal

The Spanish Judge Baltazar Garzón replaces Judge Judy

Judge Mayhem. The American court program who deals with smaller twists is going international with the hardcore judge Baltazar Garzón, known for kicking as on the international crime scene. 

-He`s taken down hardcore nazi heads in Argentina, we expect the ratings to go through the roof as he taken on the worst criminals in the world. Too bad ultra criminals like Hitler, Stalin or Mao isn`t around for a court beating, but there are plenty of semi asholes around to keep the show running. We`ll never run out of material, says the CBS producer who after the announcement gets 24 hour security provided by Secret Service. 

Dictators and leaders of terrorist organisations should piss in their pants. Cause nothing stops this man, he is the devil's nightmare. 

 Photo "Carolonline"

No dictator should have more than 400 million slaves

Ching chong slave. It`s just wrong. Nobody needs more than 400 millions. It`s about time the dictators in China release 600 millions of their slaves. How many people do they need to make their coffee? This is ridiculous!

Photo madiko83

3.5 billion humans wakes up with a hard on every day

Planet Dikk. -That is a lot of cock, says Lady Vanilla. She works with human harvesting at the agriculture plantation in Brazil. A research centre developed to reduce the vast majority of sperm waste. -Too many of these seeds never grow up to be slaughtered down. Imagine the amount of wars we could have if they all came into being? It wouldn`t matter anymore how big the casualties are cause we got billions to throw in.

-We really want to go away from the individuality thing and back to the single identity. We have to cause all the sperm emission is threatening the environment. It heats up the atmosphere. If we don`t start capturing sperm it will forever change the planet we live on.

-The old Egyptians knew his. They knew all about the power of the pussy. Thats why they build the pyramids. They where launches to shoot for the moon. Now you now why it`s covered in white. You know the saying, if you miss, at least you land among the stars. Thats how they made planets in the old days. Before logic came into place.

Spermball

   Photo Cyron/mike.wilson

Journalist criticizing Putin not killed in traffic accident

Prouda. The journalist noticed something was different when nobody was waiting for her in the elevator ready to gun her down. -It was a bit strange actually, especially after the critical report I wrote. My doctor read the peace and told me I had less than 24 hours left to live. So when my car didn`t explode and no truck came out of nowhere to run me over I knew Putin wasn`t up to something.

Photo electricnerve

Ukraine seeks unscrupulous judges

Judge Juicy. The Ukrainian Ministry of Internal Affairs put an add in a Burma newspaper seeking corrupt judges with no insight in law. -Our own are getting difficult to work with, therefor we sack everyone and get new onces who are more willing to do that dirty work. Law and order is the last thing we need! says Head of Power Abuse Nastyiran Orwellko.


Photo conner395

ISAF to go back in Iraq after hearing 90 students where killed

Emolitious. 90 Iraqi students where stoned to death for looking like westerner. The brutal killings took place by extremists after the Minister of Interior publicly announced "war on western lookings".  -We can`t have that. I don`t care how much this will cost, these motherfuckers will pay, says ISAFS`s Commander of Brutality. -Let me put it this way, we won`t use rocks.

Photo The U.S. Army

Route 66 give way to internet

Router 66. Department of Communication is laying a new internet cable between Chicago and Los Angeles and route 66 is the only land available between the two cities.- The rest is taken. Therefor we`re cutting into one line, says Head of Gismotronics at DC.

-We are well aware  this will increase traffic on 66, but the traffic jams on internet is way bigger and sometime we must realize that cruising for chicks online is better for the environment.

Photo edudflog

Ron the limo driver has paid 6 times his boss for the new highway

Equal opportunity payer. -I think of it ever time I ride on this road. I say to myself, "I know you own the limo boss, but I own the road". One of these days I`m putting up a tollroad and there`s nothing he can do about it cause it`s mine, MINE! You do as I say now bitch, pay!

Photo paulswansen

Magic Aids

NBAIDS. The former superstar of Basketball has through his work as social activist for Aids, not only changed the way the world view it, he does it so well people wished they had it. -I noticed it a few years ago, says Magic Johnson. A kid came up to me and said "I want Aids". The strange thing was his parents did too. They saw it as a stepping stone to fame. I told them it`s not child acting.

Photo Official U.S. Navy Imagery

That`s one small step for a man, one giant leap for midgets

Midgets in space. -It`s actually a modified miniature model we found in on eBay. It`s scale 1:10, says the SpendMoneyOnBullshitMinister in Albania.

-The plan was to send a grown one, but we couldn`t get the necessary engine power to blast throught the atmosphere, so we went with what our technology allowed us.

-Originally this program was set up during the war to ship Serbian prisoners out of Albania. It says a lot about that hate. Out of the country was not enough for them. They aimed for the moon, that way, even if they missed, they`ll land among the stars. It`s the kind of hate Hitler turns in his grave for.

Photo tableatny

The Communist Party of China: You don`t change horses - ever

Horseshit. Chinese diplomats are visiting USA to promote totalitarianism. -You don`t let your hostages choose which horse you ride. And you certainly don`t let your hostages take you as a hostage, says Maos. -Our horse died in 1976, but he`s still running. You don`t get off a horse like that. They only come every 2000 years. Mao was horse, obviously. Before him there was Jesus, yes he was a horse and thats it. I mean, the US presidents aren`t exactly horse material.

Photo BANAMINE

Studies show concentration prisoners had no problems with concentration

Hyperjugend. The results from the Oxford history professor throws new light at WW2. Then why where they there?

-It must have been something else. The work they did obiously took a lot of concentration. Consider the poor conditions under which they performed these hard tasks, it is quite impressive actually.

-There is no signs of ADHD anywhere, whatsoever. If they had filled these camps with the hyperactive kids of today, no army in the world could keep them there for more than two minutes. Indications show that if they had done so, the war would have been over in 1941.

-To name the institution a concentration camp is obviously a misconception. Very much like the suicide bombers of today. They are cold blooded murderers, not self sacrificing victims which they sound like when you call them suicide bombers. Concentrate for f sake.

Photo US Embassy New Zealand

Russian authorities complain about insufficient election fraud

Cheatlin. -The results from this election should`ve been available months ago. Waiting to announce the winner untill all the votes is counted is a clear sign of weakness, says Opaque International.

-Rumours has it was an open and honest election, if so this is a complete catasthrophy. Whoever wins like that will never last in Kremlin.

Photo mpeake

Found the first spring landmine

Junglemap for peace. The daughter of US diplomats Ms & Mr Peacewood in Palestine found a ticking landmine in their backyard.

-When I heard the explotion I knew spring is comming, says the mother who is sorry her daughter did not survive to share the moment with her. 

Photo teddyb

Justin Bieber is a girl

Justice bitch. -He fooled us with his flat chest and skateboard, but the evidence was there from the very beginning. Read the tittle: One less lonely girl. It`s like Freddy Mercury, how could they not know he was gay the way he dressed, says the record company`s retrosexual spokeslave.

-The titties are coming out so it`s impossible to hide. To go any further would be like doing Milli Vanilli one more time. If we stop now, he can still get away with it as a teenage prank of proportions. Do you want to know who`s really singing? His grandmother.

Photo JOnasIsMyMiddleName:)

North Koreans are willing to give up their leader for a better life

Junta democracy. The North Korean people made a counter offer to Kim Jong-un`s during the negotiations with the US. -He`s willing to sacrifice the nuclear programme for food. Guess what, we`re willing to sacrifice him.

-After 40 years of this quasi commy bullshit I want to eat until I burst, watch porno films and vote for evil warmongers, says Average Anonymous.

Photo rapidtravelchai