Drug Cartels Give Their Support To Lance

DOPEC. -We feel for you man, hands down, if you get problems with future delivery, we`ll be there for you. You have been like Jesus for us, says a secret spokesman for DCA (Drug Cartel Association).

-Armstrong has enormous street cred among smugglers. They scratch their heads wondering how he did it. And right infront of everybody! The whole world was watching. With that kind of attention, none of them would make it through airport security. The least France. On a bike!

Photo Gideon Tsang

Taj Mahal Forbids Gang Rape

Love boat. -It is not the kind of love we promote here, says the guide at Taj Mahal. -After hearing about the gang rapes in New Delhi we pay more attention to the busloads of tourists now.

-Everybody has to take of their headset and change mindset before entering the cradle of love. As a safety precaution we allow only pairs of two to enter simultaneously.

-We know that the old mogul rulers probably where in favor of gang rapes. At least when it was in their favor. It has to come from somewhere. This is not a phenomenon that spreads from the bottom up.

-My major challenge as a guide is to defend the Kama Sutra positions engraved in the walls. People are having sex all over the place. I always lose those debates. It is so humiliating and I beg every time, please, wait to prove me wrong till you get back to New Delhi.

Photo Asitjain

Playstation 4 - Get Ready For Cloud Games

Game of gone. Superman has secretly been working for Sony since he was laid off from Daily Planet.

-Apple had a great offer, but they didn`t need my help, says Superman.

-Sony was a train wreck. It craved to be saved and I needed the action. I can`t live without it. If I use my power disguised as Superman or a real life 3D cloud animator... I don`t care.

Photo charlesfettinger

North Korea Is Glad Hillary Clinton Is Gone

Losers-Élysées. Says North Korea in a public press release and add that they would prefer if USA didn`t replace her.

"We see no need for the US of A to interfere with our business. They let the Nazi`s go about their day, then they should let us do the same. I should not be treated worse than Hitler", says Kim Jong-un.

"I have plans for North Korea and they crash with US policy to put it mildly. One of us have to step down and it will not be me. I did not cause the financial crisis, neither did I force it upon someone else, case closed".

Photo Stephan

US Debt Amounts To 176 Katrinas

Debt damage. The total property damage from Hurricane Katrina was estimated $81 billion. That is less than 1 pr cent of the growing $14.3 trillion in debt.

-Our economy has been hit by at least 200 hurricanes, says Obama in an interview with Polar Bear Magazine. The issue is so hot it melts the polar ice caps. If I raise the debt ceiling any more it can melt the moon.

-Thats why I ended the Apollo program. I don`t want an astronaut to die in space cause the moon melted. How stupid would that look?

-We have to get our hearts and minds to focus on global warming and realize it`s caused by our overheated economy. 1883 people died in New Orleans. If we don`t stop Hurricane Economica before it hits 325757 Americans will die.

-Who knows what will happen after that? It can set the universe on fire.

Photo John Althouse Cohen

USA Hope China Collapse Before They Pay Back

Freedom of debt. -That`s why we stall it. If we do it long enough, we don`t have to pay. It would suck if we did before they collapse, says US Secretary of Treasure Chubaka.

-If we wait a little, we can use our debt to rebuild China in our image.

Photo Department of Treasury

Drone Fishing

Global fishing campaign. Running low on money forced USS Lassen to look for new food suplies.

-Our budget doesn`t allow for much after the military cuts. So I thought, lets do as combat Jesus, feed the boat with 2 drones and 5 water mines, says US Army Head.

Photo Official U.S. Navy Imagery