Court rule against drug testing on humans

The ill pill. Haag International Court of Justice ruled against chemical experiments on ill people. -Who cares? Their sick! We need the results to find the right cure! says the Psyciatric Complainperson. -You`re free to experiment on yourself, answers the judge. -We`re not that interested...


Photo rossneugeboren

Oslo Dangerous

Bankable attractions. Lonetic`s Inc. wants to put Oslo on the World Dangerous List according to international journalists. UNESCO denies all rumors and inform that there is no such thing as a WDL. Well, it should, says the Loonies. No, says UNESCO. Yes. No. Yes. Nobody writes about the Tsodilo in Botswana?! Well, they should.

Image rafeejewell

The Comp Store

Rotten apple. WMA proudly presented our new complication at the Apple Store. -It`s a total mess. As soon as you download it nothing works or at least as it should. It`s completely hopeless to navigate the comp and whatever it was intended for, it`s impossible to know - trust me, well it`s not working, says head of probleming at WMA.

Photo segagman

Hot awakening

Sexsation. -I lost power on my computer thanks to this storm and now I`m very grateful cause I discovered there is a world outside. A place where you don`t have to get sex for free. A place where you can appreciate it and pay what it`s worth, says the former web wanking champion of the world.


Photo fotopedia

Sex with Neanderthals boosted human immunity. A reason to aim low.

Go retard! As scientists confirm what couch potatoes so long have prayed for, Lazy Joe had a hard time realize he was too good for school. -It turned out I was too healthy to have any impact on the gene pool. I laugh at it now, but it was a tough message to swallow. It`s the only time I`ve had tears in my eyes for not being bad enough. If only I had aids or something...

Photo Fort Worth Squatch

Jerkabout

Globejoker. -We`re so fed up with all this reality we wanted a fake experience. You know, travel around like complete jerks for 6 months. It`s been the most rewarding experience in our life so far. I think we even grew on it. 2 centimeters - no kidding. We got thrown out of a home for retards. It was classic. I shat my pants laughing so I had to go back and ask if I could use the bathroom. You should have seen their faces.

Photo Dave_B_

Disappearia

Gone in Europe. The infant mortality rate among Muslims in Europe is so high they face instinction within two generations. -Their not popping out enough newborn to cover up for the short life expectancy. Their already on the protected human list, unofficially. Quite frankly, the reason this has remained a secret is that we don`t know how to brake the news, says Germer Frog at World Watchdog.

-White Americans is already on the endangered human list in Arabic countries. In some their not even recognized as humans. But that doesn`t means they don`t get protection. They don`t get protection no matter what. They can apply, but it`s not recommended. Word in the slums is adapt or go home.

Photo Albertane

Twitter user wants to shut down tv stations

Social governing. Politicians, financial institutions, authorities, military leaders and media powers has come under increased scrutiny after the ongoing financial crisis, now in it`s 3rd year, the never ending war in the Middle East and their inability to solve the problems they create for ordinary people.

-We should restrict their powers when they create public disorder. An international finance crisis is not an application for further wrongdoings. When they spread fear and terror like that, well... they ask for it.

Photo jbachman01

Forgot the Berlin Wall

History download. -I thought it was a joke or something, but no, these guys where really serious. Said it was a world war and jew genocide and stuff and I went like what? Here?! Get out of here. But they went on about a cold war and I said it`s not that cold, come on! And they got really pissed, like I insulted them or something. So I checked online and don`t you think those motherf@#kers where right?! I have to pay more attention to those war games.

Photo Tuftronic10000

The second coming of Cash

Bubble ego. -I feel so cashed. It`s all about me. I love me. I love me loving me. I love me loving me loving me. Two minutes after this picture was taken, Richy Andersons ego popped as he realized he it was sad being alone and having no one to share his joy with. His alter ashole didn`t allow anyone else to take part in the success cause that would make him less happy. How could he expect to be happy if he had to share it?


Photo baslow

Obama`s new slogan: Later

Obama 2.0 -Hey, I got bin Laden, the Nobel Peace Price. I pushed through public health care and I fixed the damn car industry. Not mentioning I got f@#king elected, says Obama.

-That`s pretty darn good if you ask me. Imagine what I can pull out of the presidential hat next term? World peace, end to hunger, nuh, just kidding, but it will be pretty good.


Photo lorensworld

Deadland

Live in peace. A backpacker from Somalia was very disappointed when he found out people where actually living in the  things he thought was a monster tombstone. -I thought a found something like the pyramids. I ran around for hours trying to copyright the area. I was thinking I`m rich, I`m rich, I never have to work a day in my life.

-It all fell apart when this kid walked out and asked me to tone it down a bit. I was so close... Turned out lots of people live in this man made mountains. They where inside playing computer games, surfing online and watching tv while I ran around the area like a madman. The whole time. God damn, now I have to work too.

Photo Kent Wang

China Falls

The Last Flush. Nepal`s most popular tourist attraction is China Falls. A view site on the border to China. If your really lucky, the country will go down the drain while your here. You`ll actually see the Eastern Empire fall right infront of your eyes. Can you f@#king imagine that?! Motherf@#ker!

Actually a lot of people can. That`s why the "tourist trap" is so popular. The catastrophe spotters stand here all day long waiting for the big flush. The rivers will be clogged, maybe the oceans too. They will need all the plumbers in the world to clear it.


Photo John Stracke

Authorities found 40 fake airports in China

What? -They are exact replica of famous airports abroad. Even the planes look the same. Passengers think they land in Vienna, Abu Dhabi, JFK, Singapore, but it`s all bullshit. As soon as they get off the airport their stuck in hell, says EU`s skyminister. Their building a copy of the West. Their recreating our civilization right in front of our eyes. When their done you can`t tell the difference between ours and theirs cause they all look alike. They can bomb us and who will ever know?


Photo OliverN5

How does it feel being screwed by a black President?

White senate. Not even African Americans like being screwed around by their own. Even Michelle must agree it felt better at the inauguration. 
-Well, if we`re going to continue this two party illusion more tax less tax bullshit, I prefer a black guy, but if we`re ever going to fix this shit we need... God where do I begin...? says Reggie Hammond, US Black Guy.

Photo Alessio85

Steve Jobs: I`m eating the Apple

Tree of technology.  -As you can see I`ve already had a piece. And it tasted delicious! But back then it was a small apple. If I took another bite, there would be no more apple. Now it`s huge. I got to hurry up and eat it before it grows too big.

Photo mylerdude

Hypersonic aircraft lost at the speed of crazy

Beyond control. Flying at 25.000 kph, the plane has already broken the sound barrier 20 times before you hear it. And when you see it it has already landed. It`s one of the few planes that`s just there. Usually we see them come and go, but not this one. It`s like "Where did that came from?". "Ahh.. it`s one of those hypersonic.., where did it go?". It usually takes off before it lands. So it`s in constant limbo. When you travel faster than the speed of thought it`s not easy to know where to go.

Illustration David Neyland 

UK has a countryfire

Cityfire. -It`s kinda happened spontaneously. Want a toasted car? Or how bout a smoked house? It was like I got this tweet and like, let`s not use our heads and go berserk. Kinda like they did in Arabia, only we have no reason, I think. At least I can`t come up with one. Other than I`m real pissed now for some reason. Rrrrrrgh! says Hooligan Bob.

Photo NightFall404

Broke into villa to put up billboards

The advertising woman. -We where devastated! When I saw the window was broken I immediately thought somebody had robbed us, but nothing was missing.

-The burglar had put up billboards over our family pictures. Its something new they call personal advertising. They hunt you down and advertise in the most personal spaces. As in You`ve been avertised! 

The cat advertiser, a former burglar, says she has no moral implications with taking on guriella advertising. -No, I fine with it. I get the same adrenaline rush from this as I got from the old hit n run. Since I do this for a corportate cause there is no backend. At the end of the day Im free to do another robbery as long as I dont steal anything.

-The family on the other hand doesnt feel the same way. -I don like the idea of someone sneaking into our home while we are sleeping and ad bombe our house. -Bullshit, says Cat Advertising, the Company responsible. -Its no different than other media ads. They all break into your conciousness one way or another. Theres no illusion of context here. We only do it honestly.

Photo ARTS

Self-crashing cars

Autocrash. The East-European technology company Oogle has developed an accident full car. The company, internationally best known for its soft ice, is amazed by the test results. -It crashes all the time. All the time!!! says Varslav Oleg, Key  Destruction Manager.

-First we set out to create the best damage technology in history of the last 20 years. After realizing how much work that would be, or after 20 minutes we dropped it and went to plan B; Let`s make a bad computer, put it in a car and hope for the worst. Best choice we ever did.

-Actually, it`s the second best choice we did. When it came to making them, we went... "Nuh, let`s get some nachos. As deadline came closer we ended up buying truck loads of old Commodore 64. Turned out to be a genius stroke cause it can`t even comunicate with car electronics.

-We named the crashmobile Ladada to honor our car history. We`re standing on the shoulders of giants here. Everybody who crashed in an old Lada must get fond memories when they see the brand new Ladada with dents all over. That`s our slogan. How do you like those dents? Bloody?!

-We made a commercial with the new Bond... shaken, not stirred, but it got pulled cause the film company didn`t want to be associated with us. We asked then why did you let use Daniel Craig? We though it was a comedy!

Photo JJ_The_Jester

Illegal Choice Awards

The Twilight Prize. Young Hoe won best female dropout, best breakup and came second in best ho at the annual Illegal Choice Awards. Not bad for a little bitch from Nebraska. -I wish to thank my parents for not being there. Without you I could never have won this. I would like to dedicate this award to all the guys I`ve given chlamydia over the years and to my boyfriend at the time, slash drug dealer, now only drug dealer, who talked me into not going to College and watch daytime tv instead.

-I`m so glad I dumped you Office Guy. You and your steady income. You and your family planning. You and your stupid house. I`m the one who stole your car! Suck on that biatch. God, I`m glad I took abortion. Amen. Screw you normal people. Go F*#@ yourself!

Best runner up was illegal immigrant Jose Hose. If he hadn`t been sent back he would have won, says the judges and asks not to take any pictures or mention their names. -We do this on a voluntary basis. We like to look at it as giving back to society, ha ha ha. HA! HA!

Photo vancouverfilmschool

1.5 billion Muslims goes on diet

Diet religion. Ever seen a fat muslim? Islam might not be wildly known for its contribution to human progress, but neither progressive eating. -It`s the worst markets, says Head of Obesity at McDonalds. They will not gain weight. We practically loose money there. We lay off 99% of our staff during Ramadan. If it hadn`t been for the muslims who sneak out at night to get a burger we would be out of business.

Photo Rui Ornelas

Tymoshenko in court "Okay bitches, show me the pussy, show me Viktor Yanukovych".

Blond Revolution. Ukrainas former prime minister Yulia Tymoshenko, known for her involvement in Ukraine`s Orange Revolution, is currently on trial for bullshit. A nasty attempt by the opposition, the sitting Mafia, to get rid off her in time for the next election.

Known for her courage, Tymoshenko took off her trademark hair braids and told the judges to sod off. "I`ve had it with this bullshit. Just shut up". Then she bitch slapped the judges in front of the world media and walked off "How dare you!".

US Foreign minister Hillary Clinton express her sympathy with Tymoshenko and confirms her girl power policy "If that fat power fuck cause you any more trouble we will send an UAV and bomb him to pieces."

Photo Yulia Tymoshenko

Joe Biden is the new face of Versace

Versace president. WMA met the vice president at the inauguration party to mark his beginning as the new face of Versace. -I love it. My wife loves it. We make love all the time. In our mansion, sailboat, cabin mansion, Air Force One, White House, Congress, Senate... In fact, last we... How did the Democratic Party respond? -Relieved, they don`t have to cover my suits anymore. It`s all a part of the dept package. Obama is signing up with Hugo Boss while the Republican Party has to settle Levi`s.


Photo jim.greenhill

The Osbournes sell their mansion and move in to a tv studio.

It`s not tv, it`s life. Their new HBO studio home will include a performing stage and green screen for pick ups. -We`re really looking forward to this. No bills. Get paid to live. Call it whatever you want. Life performance. Ozzy has been on stage his whole life. We`re reinventing the reality show. Last time the tv station moved in to us. This time we`re moving in to the tv station - not a fairytale house on a tropic island. This is the real fake stuff. We`re moving in to the freaking tv studio.

Photo MTV The Osbournes

US finally put their depth together...or did they?

The worst Congress in the history of America. What does it help having maybe the best president ever, when you got a bunch of douchebags in the congress who behaves like it`s a freaking reality show.  -You owe a lot of money. Show some respect for Communist's sake, says a Chinese banker.


Photo whitehouse.gov

Predator fires Hellfire rocket doggystyle

Kama sutra bombing. -We`re trying out different bombing positions, says head of action in the SMUT force. On the back, upside down, somersault... you name it. As long as they hit target no one seems to mind. My favorite is smack down.

Then we have the volleyball serve where the UAV slips the bomb and smacks it with the wing. It`s like a computer game. We sit inside all day long. Sometimes we can`t tell if we`re playing a game or if it`s the real thing. Boy, is it fun! Now I understand why kids are so hooked on it.

Photo Brigadier Lance Mans / CBP